as before.

My emotions rise

to the surface – slow

as I’m without feeling as

I tell You, God, it’d be real

nice if you could take me 

to heaven now, just part the

Sky and take me up even though I’d 

probably be terrified.

I can’t believe the dog wiped mud on my 

pants before I have to go to the doctor, 

but I don’t even know what I’m cleaning 

myself up for. I’m dirty – I’m well aware 

as I sit and stare at the sky as I listen to 

the voices inside rise. And something 

within wants to bend, break, 

fmf: slow.

Today I learned something very interesting: I gained 7 pounds from May of last year. From being 102. I don’t get it.  With the way last year went, I’m surprised I don’t lose more. But God really is sustainer with what little I’ve eaten, but other than that I’m healthy and all cleared for surgery. Other things I’ve learned that no matter how many times you ask God, are you here? while you’re sitting in the waiting room and then at home, he shows up with tuna and a doughnut and Gatorade. And here:

11 You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. (‭Psalms‬ ‭65‬:‭11‬ NLT) I read that this morning and said I’d like to see Him in the hard places and sometimes I think he likes being funny with doughnuts or food in general. He’s a funny God, He is. And I love that He won’t let go in the silence, fear, sorrow and just plain awe.

Please awe me more, God, please, please.

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One thought on “as before.

  1. “And I love that He won’t let go in the silence, fear, sorrow and just plain awe.” When I cling to him, I forget that he, too, is holding me, not letting go. I hold him and he holds me for the same reason—I’m a mess without him.

    I love the conversational poem. You bring the high of the sky and the mud and everything in-between into the story of your life. Real life, he’s with us in it all.

    I’m visiting from FMF.

    —Cheryl

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