to lift me out. 

God,

I am tired 

and yet the sun

Still comes through

The window, a light

that doesn’t compare

to the one I long to guide

me to dreams I’ve let die 

for the momentum has run

dry. Would you come find me

anew, or maybe an embrace from an old 

friend would do. Light from the eyes 

would capture me in the darkness 

my mind can’t seem to shake fully. My 

God, I need you to smile again and again

fmf: guide

Today, I saw this was the prompt and then read in Bonnie Gray’s book Whispers of Rest for part of a prayer, guide me to create new rhythms. Since this a devotional book, it was the section on dreams with the day’s word, Shelter. I’m on a second read through but lately when I pick it up and open to a random page, it’s as if God meets me right there. 

I need shelter from doubt that my writing matters at all. And that maybe, maybe..God would like me to write a book, but it freaks me the heck out. And makes me weary. But it’s been rolling around since my dad mentioned it a week or so ago after I told him about how well Bonnie’s book did and I how I’m reading it again. 

All I can seem to do is read other books right now. And I’d rather help others than write my own book. But I can sit with the idea a loong time. 

In other news, I’m hopefully going to be starting the New Testament Sunday! 🎉 I really can’t believe how much I’ve gotten in God’s word since the beginning. From coloring to note taking/conversations with God. The hardest thing that has been hitting me is how much I want to call my grandma and go: THERES SO MUCH IN HERE! HE IS HUGE ON MERCY! I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE! A well of grief will rise to the surface because I can’t. I know God understands it and I like to think maybe she’s rejoicing, is most likely. It doesn’t take away the ache or the fact I wish I would’ve asked who God was to her. How much did you pray for me? Why do you feel so much like a memory? Why is this such a big deal to me now? Am I even going to remember what I’ve read? Why are all the kings in chronicles mostly really young- seriously 7 years old?! Why. They can make a decree for candy and really late bed times. 😂 will my heart change? To believe his love for me? Is it?

And then there’s this and this

The first song, I love this lyric:

When I know You love me

Is when I find that I’m free

Love the way You love me

Love the way You love

(Goes along with this post from a dear friend, Trisha who wrote about how to be effective this week. 🙋)

And the second song, I love the beginning  with the piano and these lyrics 

I will cry out to You, Lord

Of Your goodness I am sure

‘Cause it never failed before

I will praise You. 

Her music this week has been lifting up my soul and making me get to the point I want to weep, but it won’t come out. Not that I’ve not cried this week but it’s like a well inside. 

Jesus, I love the way You woo me. Please don’t shop wooing me. It’s so delightful. Help me be still in it. Amen. 

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(r) I want far away from me. 

Jesus,

I don’t want to 

speak anymore unless 

it’s going to build someone

up. Or myself. There’s too

much death and division I could 

could cry a river of tears or throw a fist to 

the sky. But what 

will that solve? I don’t want to be so 

much about me but I still

long to know I’m loved, so very loved and 

I don’t know what to

offer when others are suffering 

and silence doesn’t seem the way, so I’ll 

just talk. But I’m finding maybe 

sometimes that’s best. Only you can fix 

things go better than they were before 

and only you can love me well enough to 

rid me of ange

fmf: speak

What can I say about this week? I’ve gone into a bit of hiding. No Instagram, email and barely answering texts. Why? Because I’m afraid. Afraid of every time I open my mouth I will speak death over situations I’m particularly not fond of, people, myself. So I’ve gone into God’s word and have almost filled up a notebook with prayers and verses and questions. A lot of those. It took a friend to text me maybe 3 times the other day to make me realize just how afraid I am. It’s so easy to hide. it’s so easy just to turn it to you. because you aren’t sure how to allow them time to open up and the waiting makes it a tad harder. But you want to wait. And then the suffering around you/within is a lot. And then realizing you want to give so much, really just fix it but Jesus is better. He will teach you the more you pour out to him. The more you let go even if that means going to repeatedly. Which I’m pretty sure it does. 

I didn’t realize how important prayer and praise is. I’m on the last book for the Old Testament in my Bible in a year plan ((Seriously can’t believe I made it this far.), and both David and Solomon have taught me how important prayer is. And praise. The way both of them pray to God has had me in awe. Like this:
“He prayed, “O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in all of heaven and earth. You keep your covenant and show unfailing love to all who walk before you in wholehearted devotion.
“But will God really live on earth among people? Why, even the highest heavens cannot contain you. How much less this Temple I have built! Nevertheless, listen to my prayer and my plea, O Lord my God. Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is making to you.”

‭‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭6:14, 18-19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I love that Solomon declares how God is higher than anything or anyone and nothing can contain him. And questions if God will really be with his people, which feels a lot like how I’ve been questioning if he’s here. (He brought over some brownies yesterday just cause he knows my love of chocolate, through a woman I met from where my dad’s boat is docked, and their golden retriever, Bear, who reminds me of bear in the big blue house 😂. He seemed a little skeptical of me last night and doesn’t like my cane, but look at this face. )


Wasn’t too fond of one of the kitties but so 😍 he’s just laying by me now. 

This ties into to the last verse about Solomon wanting to God to hear his cry and request. I continuously want to God to be open to my cry and request to see His face and love toward me. And he has this week by:

  1. Giving me so much time and space to read his word, ask a million questions. Okay not that many but a lot. Pray. Just be with him. 
  2. Letter in the mail (unopened still because I like to linger in the moment happiness and feel I gotta give something immediately back before fully receiving it. But that’s bypassing the gift all together)
  3. A book I need to start reading to help launch (also unopened but I will get to it hopefully tonight. A review will be coming.)
  4. Bear in the big yellow (our house is yellow.) house and he’s waiting for us to come and rest 😂
  5. Brownies (I need to eat one..)
  6. Slow movements of opening up with a friend. Healing. 
  7. This. I could go on about this for hours. I will say she needs to release a covers album because I just want to put it on repeat all day long. Ughhh. So good. 

Things might look bad, but I know You’re still good

You always show up like I knew that You would. –love these lyrics. So much. 

Thank you Jesus for the all the abundance in the hard places. Please help me receive. Don’t let me move from receiving until I’m full to the overflow. You give gifts, good gifts. I don’t have to be afraid they’ll disappear or I need to give before fully receiving. Help me enjoy then and praise you all the more. You are faithful. Amen. 

turn away again. 

Won’t you come

& sweep up my heart

again, Lord? Your smile

begs my attention while

the world says my name,

Julia, Julia, julia. The frustration 

grips me and I wonder what my place is 

again. I yearn to stay in this quiet place 

with you where I can be calm, maybe 

laugh again, and I won’t lie and say I 

don’t long for the company of a friend, 

where a hug can embrace my frame. But 

you’re in room and I can’t 

Fmf: place.

I like this prompt. Though I totally thought I’d go a different way with it. Ask Jesus what my place is. Where I belong. Because it is confusing lately, this tension of wanting to where I belong with the world and where I belong with Jesus. The world is so loud and HEYY LOOK. LOOK. HELLO, did you hear me, I said look! (And books, though they can’t speak like a person, will make you look for a very long time. As in whether you should buy it. But it isn’t dire right now.) 

while Jesus is quiet, more tender. Stay with me. But Jesus, I.. I know. Stay with me. Can’t I fix it? Stay with me. I don’t understand what is happening. My insides feel like I may burn up with joy for reasons I don’t know. Stay with me. Ughh this makes me so sad and why does it feel like no cares, but you do. Stay with me. Why are all my relationships hard right now but I feel so close to you? Stay with me. Jesus. I want that intimacy. Stay with me. Stay with me. I feel like I’m losing. Stay with me.  Did you really answer my prayer? Stay with me. What about me? Stay with me. Wait and see. I love you. 

Its hard to stay in that peace when the world can so easily lure me away. And then I lose my focus and feel like it’s my duty to keep everything going, under control. But it’s not. It never will be. But I want to stay at his feet. In his word. The pull has never been stronger this year. Or maybe it’s my eagerness too. But this is where I’m finding most of my delight. Maybe all lately. And even though we’re a little more than half way through the year, I can’t wait to see what more surprises he has up his sleeve. 

Keep my eyes fixed on you, Jesus, the author and initator of my faith. 

at encouragement can be

I try, God , to digest what

others have asked

me this-my opinion

of his music and a dear

friend’s want for advice. 

In both instances, I’m stunned

into silence, what can I give? Can I be that 

honest? Really, my opinion? The joy of 

both asking marvels me-both are 

following their dreams & for a second, 

I’m brought to see wh

fmf: try.

This week has been seriously interesting. From Sunday meeting a new friend, Kelly, I met through Instagram. And the awkwardness of it that God melted away through sharing of stories and Wonder Woman. I still can’t hold back wanting to laugh remembering how the woman taking tickets asked if it was one child and one adult. I kind of just stared a minute before Kelly goes, no we’re both adults here. 😂 I don’t know if the woman was referring to me, but Kelly is a little taller than me. I wanted to be a little mad, but I find it too funny. In a way, it’s a reminder to me that I’m God’s child. 

And how can God’s child give adequate advice? On Wednesday my brother’s friend, Ruben had so much joy in telling me he released his first music video. His excitement had my attention right away. Maybe because I haven’t seen someone in a long time so excited come up to me and ask for my opinion. The whole time I’m a mess of nerves because I don’t want to say the wrong thing or crush his dreams. But he did ask for my honesty. And the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, it’s good. Because I’m afraid and don’t know how to give positive feedback while also being honest. Later on, I tell him how I love the scene with him and his mom at the table. How it’s different than a normal music video. I don’t know how to describe other than it feels like I’m watching someone’s home video. 

I don’t love all the swearing, I tell him, and once again am shocked by the fact that though my our views are different, it is okay. I guess I’m coming to see in very small ways we are all struggling, trying to reach for dreams that have placed inside us. One very small step at a time. We need life spoken into us. That is what keeps us going. Not condemnation. Which I think is where a lot of my fear  comes lately. That being honest, saying what I do and don’t like, deserves condemnation. And I think when faced with telling someone what I honestly think of their work or something else, I hesitate  because I never want to come off as rude. Ever. And I myself shrink back a little when someone says you could do more or says it’s good. Never want it to go to my head either. 

I don’t know where I’m going with this except I don’t see what an honor it is to speak into another’s life and how to receive life-giving words without being so skeptical and ask, really? or be too stunned to speak at all.

And oh Jesus, help me. Help me receive and meditate on the life giving words instead of the doubt and not question the encouragement I try to give to others. It comes from you not me. I really do like watching someone smile and be given hope while I wait here in this valley. I don’t think I’d even have the opportunity to share if I was rushing around. Not that I can but you know in my head, it’s a really good time. Being still I learn how you are patient and kind. Wanting me to give yes, but also wanting me to not brush away the good things. Please help me. Amen. 

It will forever amaze me the moments God uses to show me more of who he is and how he may have to sing this over me forever. I want to cry every single time. 

No condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Must remember this.