I am tired
and yet the sun
Still comes through
The window, a light
that doesn’t compare
to the one I long to guide
me to dreams I’ve let die
for the momentum has run
dry. Would you come find me
anew, or maybe an embrace from an old
friend would do. Light from the eyes
would capture me in the darkness
my mind can’t seem to shake fully. My
God, I need you to smile again and again
Today, I saw this was the prompt and then read in Bonnie Gray’s book Whispers of Rest for part of a prayer, guide me to create new rhythms. Since this a devotional book, it was the section on dreams with the day’s word, Shelter. I’m on a second read through but lately when I pick it up and open to a random page, it’s as if God meets me right there.
I need shelter from doubt that my writing matters at all. And that maybe, maybe..God would like me to write a book, but it freaks me the heck out. And makes me weary. But it’s been rolling around since my dad mentioned it a week or so ago after I told him about how well Bonnie’s book did and I how I’m reading it again.
All I can seem to do is read other books right now. And I’d rather help others than write my own book. But I can sit with the idea a loong time.
In other news, I’m hopefully going to be starting the New Testament Sunday! 🎉 I really can’t believe how much I’ve gotten in God’s word since the beginning. From coloring to note taking/conversations with God. The hardest thing that has been hitting me is how much I want to call my grandma and go: THERES SO MUCH IN HERE! HE IS HUGE ON MERCY! I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE! A well of grief will rise to the surface because I can’t. I know God understands it and I like to think maybe she’s rejoicing, is most likely. It doesn’t take away the ache or the fact I wish I would’ve asked who God was to her. How much did you pray for me? Why do you feel so much like a memory? Why is this such a big deal to me now? Am I even going to remember what I’ve read? Why are all the kings in chronicles mostly really young- seriously 7 years old?! Why. They can make a decree for candy and really late bed times. 😂 will my heart change? To believe his love for me? Is it?
The first song, I love this lyric:
When I know You love me
Is when I find that I’m free
Love the way You love me
Love the way You love
(Goes along with this post from a dear friend, Trisha who wrote about how to be effective this week. 🙋)
And the second song, I love the beginning with the piano and these lyrics
I will cry out to You, Lord
Of Your goodness I am sure
‘Cause it never failed before
I will praise You.
Her music this week has been lifting up my soul and making me get to the point I want to weep, but it won’t come out. Not that I’ve not cried this week but it’s like a well inside.
Jesus, I love the way You woo me. Please don’t shop wooing me. It’s so delightful. Help me be still in it. Amen.