(r) I want far away from me. 

Jesus,

I don’t want to 

speak anymore unless 

it’s going to build someone

up. Or myself. There’s too

much death and division I could 

could cry a river of tears or throw a fist to 

the sky. But what 

will that solve? I don’t want to be so 

much about me but I still

long to know I’m loved, so very loved and 

I don’t know what to

offer when others are suffering 

and silence doesn’t seem the way, so I’ll 

just talk. But I’m finding maybe 

sometimes that’s best. Only you can fix 

things go better than they were before 

and only you can love me well enough to 

rid me of ange

fmf: speak

What can I say about this week? I’ve gone into a bit of hiding. No Instagram, email and barely answering texts. Why? Because I’m afraid. Afraid of every time I open my mouth I will speak death over situations I’m particularly not fond of, people, myself. So I’ve gone into God’s word and have almost filled up a notebook with prayers and verses and questions. A lot of those. It took a friend to text me maybe 3 times the other day to make me realize just how afraid I am. It’s so easy to hide. it’s so easy just to turn it to you. because you aren’t sure how to allow them time to open up and the waiting makes it a tad harder. But you want to wait. And then the suffering around you/within is a lot. And then realizing you want to give so much, really just fix it but Jesus is better. He will teach you the more you pour out to him. The more you let go even if that means going to repeatedly. Which I’m pretty sure it does. 

I didn’t realize how important prayer and praise is. I’m on the last book for the Old Testament in my Bible in a year plan ((Seriously can’t believe I made it this far.), and both David and Solomon have taught me how important prayer is. And praise. The way both of them pray to God has had me in awe. Like this:
“He prayed, “O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in all of heaven and earth. You keep your covenant and show unfailing love to all who walk before you in wholehearted devotion.
“But will God really live on earth among people? Why, even the highest heavens cannot contain you. How much less this Temple I have built! Nevertheless, listen to my prayer and my plea, O Lord my God. Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is making to you.”

‭‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭6:14, 18-19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I love that Solomon declares how God is higher than anything or anyone and nothing can contain him. And questions if God will really be with his people, which feels a lot like how I’ve been questioning if he’s here. (He brought over some brownies yesterday just cause he knows my love of chocolate, through a woman I met from where my dad’s boat is docked, and their golden retriever, Bear, who reminds me of bear in the big blue house 😂. He seemed a little skeptical of me last night and doesn’t like my cane, but look at this face. )


Wasn’t too fond of one of the kitties but so 😍 he’s just laying by me now. 

This ties into to the last verse about Solomon wanting to God to hear his cry and request. I continuously want to God to be open to my cry and request to see His face and love toward me. And he has this week by:

  1. Giving me so much time and space to read his word, ask a million questions. Okay not that many but a lot. Pray. Just be with him. 
  2. Letter in the mail (unopened still because I like to linger in the moment happiness and feel I gotta give something immediately back before fully receiving it. But that’s bypassing the gift all together)
  3. A book I need to start reading to help launch (also unopened but I will get to it hopefully tonight. A review will be coming.)
  4. Bear in the big yellow (our house is yellow.) house and he’s waiting for us to come and rest 😂
  5. Brownies (I need to eat one..)
  6. Slow movements of opening up with a friend. Healing. 
  7. This. I could go on about this for hours. I will say she needs to release a covers album because I just want to put it on repeat all day long. Ughhh. So good. 

Things might look bad, but I know You’re still good

You always show up like I knew that You would. –love these lyrics. So much. 

Thank you Jesus for the all the abundance in the hard places. Please help me receive. Don’t let me move from receiving until I’m full to the overflow. You give gifts, good gifts. I don’t have to be afraid they’ll disappear or I need to give before fully receiving. Help me enjoy then and praise you all the more. You are faithful. Amen. 

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3 thoughts on “(r) I want far away from me. 

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