my smile

In the valley,

it is hard to love 

your neighbor-those

that are your immediate 

family, much less yourself. 

How can I love them or any

one outside of this house if 

I can not love them or myself 

well, God. It starts slow, when I

take a pause from what I’m reading to 

listen to a laugh 

from my sister about a balloon

hat my mom made, a flower, my sister 

turns into a hat and we sit there and 

laugh. And then when I turn on a kids 

movie about singing and dad, her and I 

watch it and then dad and I watch 

another show about books, the librarians. 

And at the end of one episode there is 

rainbow. I think of you and what you may 

be trying to tell me again. That you are 

faithful, you love me and you will not 

stop making me and all things, your 

children, new. Keep my heart steadfast, 

Lord, because your beauty is captivating. 

Your love 

makes me hunger for more 

And more of 

you. I want to be still & know, you are God 

& you will be exalted over all the earth. Be 

my rock I run to now to declare now: you 

are beautiful, my neighbor, my friend, my 

father, the One who has wonderfully 

made with his breath 
fmf: neighbor. 

Really I saw this prompt and thought: won’t you be my neighbor? Mr. Rogers anyone? 😂 I totally went over the 5 mind with the poem. I have the timwe ser to stop when music stops playing for 5 mins. But it went to a commercial and then quit. Then when music played again, I forgot I had stopped the timer too, but was already on a roll in the words. I stopped midway and was like, oh..went over. But it’s okay. This was good to write, a sweet reminder God is working. May not be what I’d like all the time (anger can get on you after a while), but God really does promise to make all things new and beautiful in his time. His time. Not mine. 

Loving myself well looks a lot like digging into his word and praying. And this. Writing. It makes me feel really good to get everything out. Speaking I’m a mess but here I can think and breathe and ponder. Next month..it’s going to be another step of loving myself by going to a conference and spending time with Trisha and her family at the beginning of the month. Cannot wait. I mean I can wait because the fear has been creeping in like, what are you going to this for? What if nothing comes from it? You sure you’re not going to be a burden to this friend? I mean you can’t even talk to her well on the phone.. But then pure joy that I know is Jesus inside is all, it will be fine I hear all your prayers. You can’t wait. I know you want a hug. I know. You saw her before and it was fine. I was there and I’ll be there again. I know the peace you feel over there. I’m going to surprise you. 

And then my grandpa is looking to come and I haven’t seen him since last year. Maybe a movie and popcorn will be in order. 

And if God couldn’t get any funnier, one of my favorite singers is coming here toward the end of October. And VIP tickets are really cheap. And the thought of seeing her and being like, your music, JESUS MEETS ME THERE EVERY TIME! And I write too many poems to your song titles, like they are in the poem. And here I wrote you one.. Can we sit and talk for a few hours? Could we make a music video to Fighting Words, please? Also, would it be possible if we could write a song together?  I’ve written one, but have no idea how to put music to it. Yeah, I know lots of questions. I’d feel super crazy but it’s a burning inside just to ask. Her music has carried me through this valley. For years. So it’d take some bravery on my part. Just seeing her sing in person would probably make me cry. But I’m curious to see if God will add some extra special delight to next month. Especially to go with Megan, who knows if you put Ellie on I go in a zone of, “I’m just going to sit and sing now.” 😂 seriously, writing all that out feels like a fire just burning me up inside.

Jesus, you are good. You understand all these crazy dreams I have inside. Crazy ones that don’t make any sense to me. Ones that I’d like to just dismiss and forget because they scare me. And seem quite impossible without you. Make a way Jesus. Lead me by your song. And let me stay in this dream space and fill up on you so I can love my neighbor well. I’ve gone a bit into the crazy zone but it’s okay. You love me still. Don’t stop showing me. Please. Amen.