will you find me
here today as I tell you:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I get attached to people so easy.
I’m sorry I want them to love me like only
you can love me. I’m sorry I want you to
take me to heaven to set me free. I’m
sorry I’m angry, that I want you to hold
me in your arms, my only support today.
I can’t tell you enough
how I want to run away, hide away, cry.
You should take me, take away every
that I put before and leave me
empty please. I want your love
This is what I thought of when I saw the prompt: “I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.” Psalms 94:18 NLT
How am I slipping? Idolizing people. I really don’t mean to do it but the more I see me doing it, the more I want to go hide in a cave forever. It’s why I like long distance friendships I think. I can’t get close enough physically to get attached. And even if I do share my heart, there’s always a space. A pullback. I probably idolize things (not just people) that I don’t realize. This week has just been hard and tiring and I want to run as far away as possible but Jesus won’t let me. I don’t want to hurt people anymore or myself. Or Jesus.
Everything within is just a whole bunch of wanting to cry. Get angry. Sit quietly.
I feel a bit like this: let me be while you’re holding me tight. I hear this lyric and think of Jesus. Every time.
Please hold me, Jesus. My heart wants to cry and cry and cry. But you promise you won’t leave even as I tell you I don’t like myself right now. I can’t understand why you love me. Why you want to, but that’s who you say you are. Even as I am scared of me, my need, everything. Wrap me in the shelter of your wing. Thank you. I have no other words.