but I’m afraid of me. 

God,

will you find me

here today as I tell you:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry I get attached to people so easy. 

I’m sorry I want them to love me like only 

you can love me. I’m sorry I want you to 

take me to heaven to set me free. I’m 

sorry I’m angry, that I want you to hold 

me in your arms, my only support today. 

I can’t tell you enough

how I want to run away, hide away, cry. 

You should take me, take away every 

thing, person 

that I put before and leave me

empty please. I want your love

fmf: support

This is what I thought of when I saw the prompt: “I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

How am I slipping? Idolizing people. I really don’t mean to do it but the more I see me doing it, the more I want to go hide in a cave forever. It’s why I like long distance friendships I think. I can’t get close enough physically to get attached. And even if I do share my heart, there’s always a space. A pullback.  I probably idolize things (not just people) that I don’t realize. This week has just been hard and tiring and I want to run as far away as possible but Jesus won’t let me. I don’t want to hurt people anymore or myself. Or Jesus. 

Everything within is just a whole bunch of wanting to cry. Get angry. Sit quietly.

I feel a bit like this: let me be while you’re holding me tight.  I hear this lyric and think of Jesus. Every time. 

Please hold me, Jesus. My heart wants to cry and cry and cry. But you promise you won’t leave even as I tell you I don’t like myself right now. I can’t understand why you love me. Why you want to, but that’s who you say you are. Even as I am scared of me, my need, everything. Wrap me in the shelter of your wing. Thank you. I have no other words. 

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3 thoughts on “but I’m afraid of me. 

  1. Julia, I think it takes a whole lotta years to realize that only Jesus can fill the place of being number one in our lives. Trust me….I still find the struggle in my flesh. You’re learning so much quicker! Hugging you through the computer.

  2. I’m sorry you are having a hard week. I love how you are self aware. But I know that it also can be difficult to be so. God wants us to love ourselves too, so look for the lovely in yourself too. If you can’t find anything, remember, God has given you such lovely ability to write and express yourself! I hope you walk in Hope this week…and love. Hugs.

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