is hope. 

We sit on the floor.

Backs against the wall

with coffee in her hand

& tea in my own. My heart 

split with sorrow I could no 

longer hold. I don’t remember 

what I said, but I do remember 

the way I said, God, I am a selfish person

out loud. I should have listened to the 

story of her heart more. The breaks and 

the bend & finally seeing someone 

understands 

the hurt. Circumstances may be

different, but we both still have th

fmf: story

I haven’t wanted to write here since this last week. My heart has been trying to process the experience of declare and the little things in between, like crying because God whispers I’m beautiful and sobbing because relationships are hard. Really. And staying on the floor is best sometimes. And singing to Trisha about hope. Even though I’m on the verge of tears. And telling her son that his take on time is beautiful. And the way he shows me his AWANA book one of the days it’s like Jesus just walked on in. The joy. Singing all the way to the conference everyday. (Yes, it was Ellie Holcomb. 😂 there was some Sara groves.) And the talks every night. And laughing with her husband. Parenthood. Rambles. Chocolate. Sunsets. Prayers. Lots of those. Ugly cry(ies).

A new friend, Kayla. this girl can draw. Seriously. And her willingness to chill with me and make a path to get around during Beats and Sweets was a gift. Her dancing while walking in the middle of the dance floor was also beautiful, watching her embrace it and me just smiling because I can’t handle spotlight.      (We’re going to maybe MAYBE write a song together. 😂)  Meeting another friend, Miah in one of the biggest half price bookstores I’ve ever seen. A rainbow the second day of the conference. 


Seriously, it’s like the Lucky Charms cereal box. But better. Also, I didn’t take this picture, but my friend, Desiree.  (I have 2 without any people that I took. I think I was too busy trying to be present. And somewhat hiding from the fact that being loved without any effort on my part makes me cry. A lot of the times I’d start to cry, I just would look at Trisha or others who got to watch me sob and just wonder how God can take it. Accept me while I’m all, wait, you love me? But I.. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be a mess. This is what I saw in their eyes. Heard in their prayers. It was like God came right up to my face multiple times and said, its alright. I see you. I know the hurt. 

And then as if God just wanted to add a little bit more delight to my year, my dad hints while we are driving back to the airport that he is going to Texas next month. And then on the plane he says he can drop me off to see Trisha again when he goes for a meeting.  (and in my delirium, I sit there like, are you sure? in my head. But then he mentions it again when we are home and my brain is like: WHOA. GOD. Whoa. So tired, but whoa. 

This trip showed me God as a father. How he provides. And REALLY DELIGHTS to surprise you. Gives you extra time. How he loves you. And I saw God as a friend. How he listens. Walks with you. Sits with you.  Reassures you he is listening. Grabs you a whole bunch of tissues when tears will flow. Makes you tea and spends time being still with you and lending a shoulder when you really don’t want to move and singing is more appealing. Prays with and for you. And spontaneously takes you for ice cream because the skit guys said it was the best.  

There’s more I could share. But my heart is savoring. God really did abundantly more than I asked or thought. Way. 

Thank you, God. For everything. Every little thing. With this trip. With the friendships. With my heart. Please don’t stop. Please keep showing the deep delight. Please please. You are good. Even in this wait. You are faithful. Amen. 

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8 thoughts on “is hope. 

  1. Julia, God is all about blowing our mind with the way He loves us. These lines were so very powerful,
    “It was like God came right up to my face multiple times and said, its alright. I see you. I know the hurt.”
    I can’t wait to see how God helps you unpack all that He did at Declare. Yay.

    • Thank you, Jody. I can’t seem to focus at all since Declare. I hope he keeps blowing my mind because I need these lines to settle into my soul. The whole experience. I can’t wait to see too. Thank you for all of your prayers. 🙂

  2. “This trip showed me God as a father. How he provides. And REALLY DELIGHTS to surprise you. Gives you extra time. How he loves you. And I saw God as a friend. How he listens. Walks with you. Sits with you. Reassures you he is listening. Grabs you a whole bunch of tissues when tears will flow. Makes you tea and spends time being still with you and lending a shoulder when you really don’t want to move and singing is more appealing. Prays with and for you. And spontaneously takes you for ice cream because the skit guys said it was the best.” I love how you saw God in these people. As it should be: God came down from Heaven…. Did you see Carolina at the conference? She was there too.

    • It was and still is overwhelming for me. I cannot wait til it settles more in my soul and that God will continue to show me how he’s coming down to meet me.

      I did see her there. She said she liked my shirt (it has a superman emblem on it.) I didn’t think of saying I knew her from fmf. I was on another planet the whole time.

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