We sit on the floor.
Backs against the wall
with coffee in her hand
& tea in my own. My heart
split with sorrow I could no
longer hold. I don’t remember
what I said, but I do remember
the way I said, God, I am a selfish person
out loud. I should have listened to the
story of her heart more. The breaks and
the bend & finally seeing someone
the hurt. Circumstances may be
different, but we both still have th
I haven’t wanted to write here since this last week. My heart has been trying to process the experience of declare and the little things in between, like crying because God whispers I’m beautiful and sobbing because relationships are hard. Really. And staying on the floor is best sometimes. And singing to Trisha about hope. Even though I’m on the verge of tears. And telling her son that his take on time is beautiful. And the way he shows me his AWANA book one of the days it’s like Jesus just walked on in. The joy. Singing all the way to the conference everyday. (Yes, it was Ellie Holcomb. 😂 there was some Sara groves.) And the talks every night. And laughing with her husband. Parenthood. Rambles. Chocolate. Sunsets. Prayers. Lots of those. Ugly cry(ies).
A new friend, Kayla. this girl can draw. Seriously. And her willingness to chill with me and make a path to get around during Beats and Sweets was a gift. Her dancing while walking in the middle of the dance floor was also beautiful, watching her embrace it and me just smiling because I can’t handle spotlight. (We’re going to maybe MAYBE write a song together. 😂) Meeting another friend, Miah in one of the biggest half price bookstores I’ve ever seen. A rainbow the second day of the conference.
Seriously, it’s like the Lucky Charms cereal box. But better. Also, I didn’t take this picture, but my friend, Desiree. (I have 2 without any people that I took. I think I was too busy trying to be present. And somewhat hiding from the fact that being loved without any effort on my part makes me cry. A lot of the times I’d start to cry, I just would look at Trisha or others who got to watch me sob and just wonder how God can take it. Accept me while I’m all, wait, you love me? But I.. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be a mess. This is what I saw in their eyes. Heard in their prayers. It was like God came right up to my face multiple times and said, its alright. I see you. I know the hurt.
And then as if God just wanted to add a little bit more delight to my year, my dad hints while we are driving back to the airport that he is going to Texas next month. And then on the plane he says he can drop me off to see Trisha again when he goes for a meeting. (and in my delirium, I sit there like, are you sure? in my head. But then he mentions it again when we are home and my brain is like: WHOA. GOD. Whoa. So tired, but whoa.
This trip showed me God as a father. How he provides. And REALLY DELIGHTS to surprise you. Gives you extra time. How he loves you. And I saw God as a friend. How he listens. Walks with you. Sits with you. Reassures you he is listening. Grabs you a whole bunch of tissues when tears will flow. Makes you tea and spends time being still with you and lending a shoulder when you really don’t want to move and singing is more appealing. Prays with and for you. And spontaneously takes you for ice cream because the skit guys said it was the best.
There’s more I could share. But my heart is savoring. God really did abundantly more than I asked or thought. Way.
Thank you, God. For everything. Every little thing. With this trip. With the friendships. With my heart. Please don’t stop. Please keep showing the deep delight. Please please. You are good. Even in this wait. You are faithful. Amen.