Would you please
invite me into your heart?
Your peace, I long for my
anxiety to drown in it. I hear
the voice of the enemy louder,
You don’t deserve that! You are
not even looking for a job. You don’t even
care to start. It is true, God. I’m afraid.
the condemnation, the more I shrink
back. I need you, Lord, to
come rescue my heart. I need you, my
only place to start. Come hold me in your
This prompt made me think of the ways I’ve been invited this year. To a Facebook called group called Glory Writers. (Facebook and I are no go right now, but eh. It’s okay.) To the whispers of rest launch team by a friend. To Declare by another friend (really I think we may have both invited each other 😂). To go back again to Texas.
But what this also made me think of is how I’m desperate to be invited into Jesus’ love – to understand those unforced rhythms of grace. To understand that church really doesn’t have to be scary, though it’s terrifying to someone who wants to bolt every time worship songs come on (says the girl who can listen to Ellie Holcomb on a continuous loop if you let her..).
This week has been one of those weeks where I don’t know what Jesus wants me to do. I don’t want to go to school or get a job and I don’t want to work for approval. In the middle of the week, I got an email saying Ellie Holcomb tickets were available (a few) for a show that was sold out, and I about lost control inside. I texted Megan and exploded with joy. I also texted my brother a few times since he said he was cool getting tickets for us. And then I waited. Told Jesus, PLEASE SAVE A SEAT FOR MEGAN AND ME. PLEASE. And then maybe an hour or so later, I think, I text many friends like: I’M SO PUMPED RIGHT NOW! AHHH!
Jesus planned it perfectly. He knows my heart, my fears and my lack of trust in him right now, my fear that he doesn’t understand me at all and won’t come through. How I need gentleness and so much kindness to change my fearful heart. Because honestly I don’t think I deserve the things he is gifting me with this week. Ellie Holcomb tickets. Time with Megan and another friend this weekend. Ellie Holcomb on the 26th with Megan. In the midst of all the good, my heart is still terrified.
You can’t possibly love me like this, Jesus. I won’t even try because I know I’ll give up. Don’t care enough about me. How are you still mindful of me? Mindful that I’m on guard. Mindful that I can hear the enemy. Mindful that I really REALLY want to write a song with Ellie. So much so that it feels like I could burst when I’ve only written one song ever and who knows where it will lead. If at all. Mindful that desperately need you.
Please come to me. Please come invite me. Please. Thank you for loving me. Amen.