pace, knowing the sorrow. 

Jesus,

Right now, right

here I discover the way

you love me – by playing 

her music when I’m pretty 

sure I didn’t pick it. But all

her songs keep playing now,

and here I sing to you: I’m

grateful for your love. The way

you come so gently and fill me

with anticipation for something

I’ve wanted with no clear reason why. It 

is a huge longing 

that feels it will take me down if

I’m not careful. But I remember all the 

times I’ve sang along, feeling you come 

into the s

fmf: discover

After watching Trisha’s Facebook live video on celebrating joy (just look at the joy on her face. ☺️) I can say with complete and utter joy, 6 MORE DAYS TIL ELLIE HOLCOMB WITH MEGAN!! 🙋🙋🙋 6 more days!! I can’t even contain myself right now. Can’t do it. I mean I keep going from oh my gosh this is really happening to, really? to God, I want write a song with her soooo bad! Ugh, why is this so funny and pretty much impossible for me? Will this change anything at all? JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING. AHHH. 

it’s very interesting how this all came together when tickets were sold out. And my longing to see her sing since last year. But feeling God come into her music through very hard things for the past almost 4 years. Things I don’t like remembering but the song will trigger. But Jesus is there. In the memory even as it’s faded. And in the ones of singing along to her pretty much every day of declare. They are good, but also ache with missing. Missing of friends and the car ride there and back from the conference  and feeling God inhabit the space the entire way. I feel like I did a lot of this. And I’m hoping God helps me on Thursday with lingering because I know I’m going to be either super quiet or weepy or unable to control my happiness.   Or all three. 

I’ve been told I’m very present. To a degree this is true, but I’m learning just because I am with my body doesn’t mean I’m with my mind. One of the struggles I’m finding I had at declare was thinking all these women had it together. They didn’t. And the expectation I had of myself needing it to lead to something tangible (like a job) pretty much left me wanting to run and hide (which I did quite a few times) which felt like God only pursued me more. When I wanted to sit in my head, he would not allow it. He wouldn’t allow the enemy to steal all of my joy. He helped me listen and turn off the music at times (because I find Jesus there but I can hide there too when I feel afraid or irritated or lonely).  But Jesus showed me himself too when the music was off and I embraced all the feelings. 

Please help me, Jesus. You know the overwhelming feelings. How I can easily cry when Ellie comes on. You also know what her music has helped me through in this valley of weeping. But I feel the refreshing springs are coming. And to share this with Megan too – it is a gift that I want to hug you for. Be near us. So very near. And if you want to you know arrange a meet and greet that includes song writing, well, go right on ahead. It makes me want to laugh just thinking about it. But until then prepare my heart and help me be present and in the moment, not even thinking where it could lead. Let me encounter you. Embrace you. You are good and faithful. Thank you for all the delight this year. I love you. Amen. 

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6 thoughts on “pace, knowing the sorrow. 

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