wrap me up.

God, 

I am overcome 

by my lack – my 

inability to feel the

sorrow my heart 

keeps bringing up.

up to my eyes asking

out out out. 

you think I would have 

last night – her words still 

Echo. It’s okay to cry. 

No it’s not, I said. Yes, if 

is. She was giving me permission to fall 

apart. 

And I felt the tears come 

again now. Jesus I need 

help. I want a person to come

fmf: overcome. 

I want to give commentary to this poem, but I’m tired. I’ve felt all the way around tired since Thursday. I’ve been in a daze and listening to friends ask me how this concert was or family ask me if I’m okay. And I just keep saying, still processing and yes, just really tired. And in the midst of that I want to sit with a friend and just let whatever comes out, out. I try to with Jesus and what comes it is I can’t believe I said that. That was stupid. I couldn’t just say thank you?  Why doesn’t it feel real? You must have been protecting me. Why couldn’t I just cry? Why are her words making me remember the way she looked at me and my wanting to back away, but she wouldn’t let me? Over and over I said I can’t do it. And over and over she said, yes you can. And I felt something within well and then pass. But I wanted to cry so much and I don’t understand why. 

Because she wasn’t going to be upset if cried. She wasn’t going to tell me to stop. And maybe the biggest thing is she was by my side. And I got to watch her share her heart and me just stare into space. I mean I said things but really, I don’t think it was about me. Not that it ever is. 

I mean, yes I want attention. But honestly, Jesus, it’s so much bigger than me and yep, I can’t comphrend it. Please give me more good moments I can fully present for/in instead of dazed. Please. Please. Please. 2 months and 3 days of delight please. And help me please process this more. Please. 

(I love how this post probably makes no sense. But to me and Jesus and maybe some if you read my last post. More will come soon I hope.)