11/30/17

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Day 23

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God,

Um, can we talk for a second? I’m scared. Scared of this word, “favor” keeps on coming up. Seriously, it just showed up in a skit guys video. I’ve seen it before, but today I was drawn to the girl talking about how You called Mary, “highly favored.” She said she’d like to be thought of that by You. And today, my brother called “the chosen one,” and I looked at him, shook my hand and told him he is too. He is. But it is sticking because I feel he’s said it before lately. I’m pretty sure I do the blank stare too.

Just as I think I did when my dad came home and looked at me. He walked over with a bag, almost hesitant but not, set it down and walked away. I’m not going to lie, hoping maybe pretzel m&ms were in there. And I thought they were huge bags, but it was a surprise to find my youth in there. Two bags of cheddar cheese pretzel (pretzel kind are my fave you know) and a shareable size of mint m&ms. My heart & mind are like in awe. I don’t know how to say thank you. You are stopping at nothing to show me You love me. One of these days I’m going to sob of happiness at this love.

In a devotional earlier, I read I am chosen and delighted in. You are really stopping at nothing. And then I read in a blog post that if my dream is dead, it’s good. Because it’s a really dream So me not caring about writing a song with Ellie Holcomb or writing a book (that keeps coming up somewhat) is good? Or not wanting to launch books anymore? Really, serious burnout right there. It’s fine I want to read a book one on one and the Bible? 9% left to go. It’s so weird thinking back to how motivated to read it and yet unsure I’d finish it. And now I’m here with a little more than a month to go. It’s been my one and only goal this year. I want to finish.

I want to receive more of this love. I know I keep asking You over and over, but it is still hard especially when my soul is shaken by circumstances My heart starts getting all, oh I did something wrong. I don’t deserve this. When I did nothing at all. You wanted to bless me that’s all. You wanted to make me smile. God, why is that so hard for me when I don’t deserve it? It’s like I cant take what I didn’t earn. But even that wouldn’t be a thing because I cant earn Your love. It is a gift so I can’t boast, but I’m always so afraid that if I start actually taking Your love, like through letters, (as in opening when I get them), Starbucks drinks, books in the mail (opening when I get them). Little treats like the combos/m&ms, I will become all, I deserve this. I don’t want to do that, God. So I push it away. I deny Your love. I deny You to Your face.

You know why the conference was so hard for me this year? Because I didn’t deserve first class. Or the bag of chocolate from the airline just because I liked it. Or the convertible my dad suggested the first day. Or the whattaburger. Or to spend hours meeting a friend from instagram, picking at tiramisu and talking. And not buying a thing. And more time with the very first friend I made through my blog. I think it was so hard seeing how loved I am even though I run from it. Stare at it. Lose words. Like when she said I don’t have to earn her love.

You were talking to me through her. It makes me cry how I hear You say, I just want to be your friend. You don’t have to try so hard. I love you. Rambles, singing, sobbing & all—so loud through her actions and what she says and just see You. And ugh, how You weave friendships is so wow. And that I get to be a friend too, so overwhelming.

love,
your tender-haired girl

 

previous letter from letters from a tender-haired girl found here.

11/29/17

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Day 22

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God,

This is going to be a poem
letter. Thank you for Your love
not in what You give — physically.
yes, but getting to encourage
makes me feel better. And so does
This playlist. Clearly You are telling
Me something about lifting me up &
Singing though at this moment I
Feel sick. Thank You laughter finds
Me with friends even in grief around—
Thank you for time to watch a show
With my mom and sister and the
Vanila Frappe I know came from sister.
You know how to get me good. Keep my eyes
On You. Your love. I’m soaking it up as if it is
An endless supply of moosquick (Nesquik)—
A little strength & sweetness. I love you.
Have I told You lately? You are delightful.
Also, if my word for next year is favor,
You are hilarious. And if my moo is
Serious about being so in tune with
You – makes sense how I see it every
Where. EVERYWHERE I tell You.
Also makes me want to read that book
I just did that study of for a few days.
I dont need more books though. Nope.
I want them though, but don’t need them.
It is just a longing for You. Presence.
Lord, help me encounter You. Your
Smile.  Help me see Your favor on me.
Thank You for helping me #beatdepression
Today.

Love,
Your tender haired girl

previous letter of letters from tender haired girl. 

Not a lot of depth, whole lotta shimmy and shake. — Momsieblog

I used to think that reality television was so lame, y’all. I mean, who would want to watch some mom try to feed her eight children while learning her new dance routine while losing weight and also picking fights with everyone? Who would wanna watch that? ME, THAT’S WHO. Ok. I am not into a […]

via Not a lot of depth, whole lotta shimmy and shake. — Momsieblog

we–I interrupt my own month of letters–for this.  She mentions Paul Hollywood, my word of the year, delight, and is hilarious. Thank you, Momsie, thank you.

11/28/17

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Day 21

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God,

It shouldn’t matter if I hear back from a friend, right? If I am seeking the best for them. But still I question my value with one and not others. I want to give still, top. It’s the in-between time. The time when I start to doubt. Oh, I said something wrong. Oh, must not care. But something will make me think of them and I’ll have the desire to share again. Theres joy in it too. But the in-between/receiving make me uncomfortable. Scared. Sometimes empty.

It doesn’t make sense that I want to keep on loving this friend while also feeling hurt. Over not feeling connected and not feeling valued. But we’re both struggling and it’s weird not talking as we did before. And I still want to be there for her. I don’t want to be selfish. Not like I was earlier this year. You know how terrified that made me of myself. How I got so twisty.

I know the enemy wants me to focus on it. What a horrible person I am. How hungry I am for affirmation. Love. Al of which I know come from You. The people in my life help me focus on Your truth, too. I am loved even if I do screw up everyday. Selfish. You have to love humanity. I think serious sarcasm. I don’t want to be concerned for someone with the hope they’ll thank me. That’s selfish probably. Ugh, can I ask to see how You are unselfishly concerned for me? Please. For the love of who You are. Which is love. Over and over. In the small ways that make me smile.

And maybe You showed mw today. 1. My brother making up a song about me teaching math. 2. Josh Groban-Believe (I want to watch The Polar Express soon, please.) 3. Mozarella sticks/chocolate chip cookies from mom (still have to eat the cookies). And God, maybe I want to be selfish right now because if I cant see or really receive Your love for me, how can I truly love others well? Without a hint of I hope I’m doing enough, hear a thank you, wonder if they care.

You care. And You know the struggle I have with feeling the seasons of friendships. And not liking how this one feels right now. But You are constant. You listen even if nothing changes. You know the hurt too. The hurt I have caused and am afraid to cause again. Please be near me. And bless this friend beyond what I ask or think. Make our friendship better than before. Wipe away my fear. Regardless what I hear back.

You are good.

You are faithful.

You are true.

You are hope.

You know my heart.

Thank You that You do.

love,
your tender-haired girl

Ps. The wishbone wish I made today and got the bigger piece, was that You too? Because I’ve never gotten that. At least I don’t think so.Is that a real thing?

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here.

11/27/17

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Day 20

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God,

I love waking up and talking to You. I feel more centered. Grounded. Held. I can feel You are doing some serious healing inside. Please don’t stop singing the truth to me. I want to know I matter to You. The more songs I add to this playlist, I feel You surround me. God, I will not let the enemy get to her No, no, NO. You are for peace, not chaos. You are for her. FOR HER. You are not angry. Small steps are big in Your eyes. There is no condemnation, but love in You, Lord.

I know I’m writing about the same friend over and over, but I really want to see You move in her life. You can do infinitely more than I ask or think according to the power working within me You are able to provide all she needs at all times so she can abound in the good work You have for her. You know the plans You have for her, plans to prosper her and not to harm, plans to give her a HOPE and a FUTURE. Everything is possible with You. You give focus, wisdom, courage, and hope, as she places herself in Your loving hands. You are faithful to the faithless. You are the God of hope. Compassionate. Abounding in love. Always chasing after her with love and mercy. They follow her all the days of her life.

Bring peace to her mind. Your peace that reassures the heart, stands guard. Help her make herself at home in Your love, that welcomes us each and everyday as we are, /your beloved children. And children yearn for that affirmation, we are loved even as we flail and struggle to make our way. But Your Spirit affirms we are Yours. We belong to You. She belongs to You. And You do not turn her away, or leave her orphaned, but come to her.

Come to her. Embrace her. Embrace her until the lies hush to whimper. She is precious, worthy and honored in Your sight. She is the apple of Your eye. I can’t take the liar anymore. I’d like to punch in the face actually. It makes me sad and angry to see all this darkness. How if we aren’t careful, it will slip in and blind us to the truth.

You are good.

You are faithful.

You love us.

You pursue us.

You are a mighty warrior who saves us.

You save us from the darkness.

You have, will and are the same

Yesterday. Today Tomorrow.

Thankful for today? 1. Time with You. Oh, how I crave it more and more. 2. Fruit bowl from my day. 3. Pretzel m&ms from dad. (I’d like more of those surprises please.)

#beatdepression with gratitude. This is becoming seriously enjoyable. And whatever this thing with favor that keeps coming up repeatedly, alright. Keep showing me, please. I don’t know how to deal with it—almost like I feel I don’t deserve it. Which I don’t. Help me embrace it.

Thank you.

I love you.

Love,
Your tender haired girl

ps. If You could bring her soon so we can have a dance party, it would be appreciated. Very. But I’ll wait and maybe dance over FaceTime soon. Maybe.

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here. 

11/26/17

 

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Day 19

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God,

You brought to life the part of me I thought had died
Cause You stood right there until I saw me through Your eyes.

Every time I hear Britt Nicole sing this, I start welling up. I don’t know if it’s because I yearn to see this or You’re working on it. I think You’re working on it because I’m starting to get some of my joy back. Over math. Helping her through it. I’m sorry I just cant get over it. Because I hate it, but I can stay on FaceTime (also freak out going on but never want to get off now) working on fractions and listening and making mistakes together and figuring things out together. And laughter. So much of that.

I don’t know how to thank You for whatever You’re doing. The space and time to pour into this friendship, To be a cheerleader for her. She’s going to pass, Lord. I can feel it. We will dance around in December even if we aren’t physically together. Though I don’t have to tell You that’d be cool if You could make that happen. Presence for Christmas. Yours and ours together. There would be way too many tears. And hugs. There will be way too many tears when she passes. Way.

I really wasn’t expecting this. That I would make math easy for someone to understand. Me. Of all the people. To get up everyday lately and be excited to go through this with her. It’s like a fire inside. And going through Your word together and talking about hard things. Seriously, this bible plan is a deep one. It scared me looking at some of the days so far, but ugh, it’s so good to be able to talk about stuff. It’s teaching me to listen and ask questions. And not be so afraid to share my heart. How hard it is to apologize because I feel so bad when I hurt someone. And then I think they wont’t love me anymore.

It’s silly, I know. It is not all about me either. But here’s what I’m going to thank You for today.
-the cat.
-fruit. Especially those tangelos
-working on math and talking to you all the through. (I really want to know what the answers are..)
-making this playlist for her. The joy inside, Lord, that I have, digging it.
-noise canceling headphones
-tea. Chai, you kniow
-being a cheerleader. (not literal, but I think pom poms would be cool. Maybe a shirt that says You go, girl! Hahaha.)

And this is how I #beatdepression today.

Love,

your tender-haired girl

 

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here.

11/24/17

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Day 18

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God,

Everything feels different today. I feel strangely happy. It is not familiar to me to be pumped to teach someone math when I’m not really qualified. But just sitting here waiting to get a Vox or a call on FaceTime with this friend makes me feel like I have purpose. I don’t why that’s so weird. But You know I sat there the other night like, I just want to stay up til 2 am helping you with math! Lord, I don’t even like math. Any of it. Not just the really hard stuff that I learned in pre algebra or geometry. Please no thank you. And when I’m telling her, I hope 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl previous letter found here. 

Five minute Friday prompt: familiar.

I think I’ve missed two more days of writing…or actually a lot of days according to my last blog post. 6 since my last post. But God is mostly definitely doing something in me. Makes no sense at all. But it makes me really REALLY happy. And it is also hard, but still. God is helping and I know he is. Because me wanting to do this has to only be him. I don’t get pumped about math. But the last few days I’ve been getting up like, YES LETS DO THIS! Let’s study some math! And a devotional! Woo! Who’s excited? It is strange for me. But I know this is God. Because math is definitely a weakness for me to do and try and help someone with. And the fact that Kallayah is so open and doesn’t care that I take a while to explain stuff, is a serious blessing I want to thank for. Because if his grace is resting upon me in this than I have no clue, but it is so cool. I’m just really excited about all this stuff. It’s like Christmas and it’s not even here yet! 

Side note: Sara Groves new hymns album is so goood! That is all.

11/20/17

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Day 17

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God, 
I tried climbing up the stairs by myself today. The dog had to go the bathroom and kept doing that whiny thing he does and basically sat there waiting for me. Yeah, good. Play We’ve Got This Hope by Ellie again. And now, Songs of Deliverance. 

It takes me back to singing in Trisha’s car at the gas station. Or maybe it was to it. But before I go off topic, I was half way up there before I became afraid. And you know, I kept trying to think how proud Nolan would be. But then I started sweating. This is too high. I’m almost there. God, help me. 

Why is this my life? I’m not going to make it in time. Call Nolan. No answer. Until I went back down to put on slippers. He tells me later he’s not going to deal with my fear of the stairs anymore. Or something. And I already felt the disappointment because I only made it half way the first time when it was just you and me. 

Lord, even now I want to cry. Because while he played Elvis and sang along, I talked to You in my head. About my weakness or maybe the verse. Where Your power is made perfect in weakness. And I wondered why even though he wanted to help, it didn’t feel encouraging. Humiliating. That I’m afraid of falling. That I want Your presence encircling around me, Your smile asking me, come? It’s okay. I’m here. Your face. 

Because it’s easy for those who can walk to bound up and down the stairs (unless the person is afraid of heights) while I take my time. And yes, I’m a little cynical maybe that I feel like no one understands. And I know that’s not entirely true and everyone has fears. But sometimes I think you think I’m a baby because I’m afraid. And once I get upstairs, I find myself sobbing to Kallayah for reasons I’m unsure of. But I think it’s all this stuff you’re bringing to surface. Wanting intimacy with friends. Hating how I think of marriage. HATING. How the stairs are a small thing to be afraid of. And then I tell Trisha I’m randomly sobbing. And there’s so much I want to say but I don’t how to say it. 

Because you bringing all this to the surface is a lot. My heart aches. And I just want a breath. Breathe. It’s like declare all over again. Not that I don’t fit but that I keep crying. Over and over. I don’t want it fixed. But to sit with someone in it. And telling Kallayah I wish she could last night. Physically. But ughh I’m so thankful that this is coming to the surface even though it hurts so much. That she listens and prays and shares her heart with me. And her sensitivity. I can’t wait to give her a hug. And laugh in person. The wait will be worth it. You’ve gone above and beyond the last two years with seeing Trisha. So I need to trust the timing with this and grow in the meantime. I love you for giving me these friends I never expected. Thank you. 
No idea where I was going with this letter. 
love,

you tender haired girl

previous letter for Letters From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 

11/19/17

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Day 16

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God,

I want to find You here,

my portion & my strength 

even as I cry tears that are 

so much a flood. I don’t see

how I, Your broken little girl,

am beautiful. 

The sorrow presses on my 

heart as if 

I’m still a seed buried in soil. 

It’s dark here, Lord. It’s becoming all I 

know. But 

as sure as the sun will shine

through the kitchen window, 

You will love me through this 

salty falling on my pillow. Be with me 

now, Emmanuel. 

I will never be the same as You

hold me as the child I am. 

Carry me to a place of peace

where I put to rest these beliefs-I will 

never be enough. I must earn love or it 

ends. 

Let me remember how You broke through 

my sorrow, how You love me best. Come 

quickly, Abba. I know when I call, You 

hear me. May the words I speak now,

reach Your ears. Do not hide Yourself 

from my suffering. It is too much & I am 

too 

tired.  Meet me here,

reminding me we’ve got this hope You do 

not abandon 

regardless of feelings. 

You see everything here

and can make good from 

the miserable. We will always

be with You, the Lord. Mighty

One who saves. You are here.

The God who sees, of all comfort. Near to

the broken hearted and crushed in spirit,

sing Your night song over again. Calm 

every fear, still 

every lie waiting in loom 

to entrap me. Come in 

the valley with a smile

warm enough to relax 

the winter from my heart. 

Man of sorrows, show me

You see me. All this pain. 

All this division. Be gentle, 

please, You who is full of

compassion and abounding 

in love. Mercy-

Come with Your rescue. 

I can’t outrun Your love,

this I know. But how my 

soul aches now. 

Anchor of hope,

I am tethered with

Your love as the knot.

Do not let go, let me be

grateful for Your love now,

that You catch my tears in

a bottle. They are precious

to You, my need for You steady

into the glass. It goes, down.

down. down. Watering around

this stone of dead expectations, dreams,

my identity. I beg of You,

roll away the stone. Let me

see greenery-not of envy but

life flowering.  

love,

your tender haired girl 

ps. I place my hope in You, my steadfast friend. Come. 

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here

11/18/17

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Day 15

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God, 

I love the depth to our friendship. The way You make space for me to be real even if it scares me. A lot. But even as I’m saying it, I feel Your peace. I don’t want my own belief of marriage to stop her from sharing her heart. I don’t want to be cynical (cubical really doesn’t work. Haha.) toward love. Every time she tells me how this boy has loved her, my heart is so happy yet so doubtful it is real. Happy for her. Doubtful for me. And the fact she believes You will change the way I see marriage – really means more to me than I can say. 

If You bring a guy into my life, will he know to take care of my heart? Or that I like to be surrounded with words? Books. Notes. Texts. That I’d like to be held forever. Or at least a really long time. And flowers. I’d probably burst into a grin at his just because I love you. Will he want to stay up late with me to hear me ramble on about whatever and mostly You?

Will he let me sing in the car or just offer to put on my fave artist because he knows I love them and maybe likes to listen to me sing even if I get emotional? Will he encourage me to write even if it’s not something I ever get lots of moola, enough to live off of? Will he be understanding when I most likely cry if he talks about having kids and hold me because it’ll probably still hurt? Will he take me to see long distance friends? because we know I’m going to tell him all about the ones from my blog and launch teams. Will he understand that if at any time he hurts my feelings or we argue, that I need calm tones to get me to open up, or I will withdraw?

Will he read books to me or Your Word? Or both? Will he not even see my disability and my just my heart? That I want to love and be pursued? Will he sing to me?

Telling You all this makes me wonder. Will You bring this to pass? Will he be my friend? Because if he’s not that first, we will never work. I’m not breaking my heart again by trying to be a pursuer. Nope. Not happening. 

See? I just dreamed a little bit. And it makes me feel this swell of emotion because my heart maybe wants this. But I need this friend to keep on dreaming for me until I believe. And if it happens that I marry, please bring her to my wedding so we can thank You together. 

love,

your tender haired girl

Ps. and if he gives me dark chocolate – he’s a keeper. 

previous letter from Letters From A Tender Haired Girl found here