Um, can we talk for a second? I’m scared. Scared of this word, “favor” keeps on coming up. Seriously, it just showed up in a skit guys video. I’ve seen it before, but today I was drawn to the girl talking about how You called Mary, “highly favored.” She said she’d like to be thought of that by You. And today, my brother called “the chosen one,” and I looked at him, shook my hand and told him he is too. He is. But it is sticking because I feel he’s said it before lately. I’m pretty sure I do the blank stare too.
Just as I think I did when my dad came home and looked at me. He walked over with a bag, almost hesitant but not, set it down and walked away. I’m not going to lie, hoping maybe pretzel m&ms were in there. And I thought they were huge bags, but it was a surprise to find my youth in there. Two bags of cheddar cheese pretzel (pretzel kind are my fave you know) and a shareable size of mint m&ms. My heart & mind are like in awe. I don’t know how to say thank you. You are stopping at nothing to show me You love me. One of these days I’m going to sob of happiness at this love.
In a devotional earlier, I read I am chosen and delighted in. You are really stopping at nothing. And then I read in a blog post that if my dream is dead, it’s good. Because it’s a really dream So me not caring about writing a song with Ellie Holcomb or writing a book (that keeps coming up somewhat) is good? Or not wanting to launch books anymore? Really, serious burnout right there. It’s fine I want to read a book one on one and the Bible? 9% left to go. It’s so weird thinking back to how motivated to read it and yet unsure I’d finish it. And now I’m here with a little more than a month to go. It’s been my one and only goal this year. I want to finish.
I want to receive more of this love. I know I keep asking You over and over, but it is still hard especially when my soul is shaken by circumstances My heart starts getting all, oh I did something wrong. I don’t deserve this. When I did nothing at all. You wanted to bless me that’s all. You wanted to make me smile. God, why is that so hard for me when I don’t deserve it? It’s like I cant take what I didn’t earn. But even that wouldn’t be a thing because I cant earn Your love. It is a gift so I can’t boast, but I’m always so afraid that if I start actually taking Your love, like through letters, (as in opening when I get them), Starbucks drinks, books in the mail (opening when I get them). Little treats like the combos/m&ms, I will become all, I deserve this. I don’t want to do that, God. So I push it away. I deny Your love. I deny You to Your face.
You know why the conference was so hard for me this year? Because I didn’t deserve first class. Or the bag of chocolate from the airline just because I liked it. Or the convertible my dad suggested the first day. Or the whattaburger. Or to spend hours meeting a friend from instagram, picking at tiramisu and talking. And not buying a thing. And more time with the very first friend I made through my blog. I think it was so hard seeing how loved I am even though I run from it. Stare at it. Lose words. Like when she said I don’t have to earn her love.
You were talking to me through her. It makes me cry how I hear You say, I just want to be your friend. You don’t have to try so hard. I love you. Rambles, singing, sobbing & all—so loud through her actions and what she says and just see You. And ugh, how You weave friendships is so wow. And that I get to be a friend too, so overwhelming.
your tender-haired girl