So, I know this month is national novel writing month. And for some reason I want to give it a go. For me, this is going to be a test to see if I can write actual letters to Jesus this month. No word count or the Nanowrimo site, but this will keep me accountable. I already missed day 1 so this is going well already. Hello kindness to self. 🙋 and this means two posts on Fridays (but I’ll try my best to space them out.) This is going to be fun.
Tentative title for this novel:
Letters From A Tender Haired Girl.
(Also, may be about my actual life. So don’t think this qualifies as a novel, but I’ll work with it. 😂)
Do you find it weird I am worn out after something I didn’t want to do? And it was the same with last Thursday too. With something I wanted to do.
And in the beginning of October. I was pumped in the waiting for these two things. Okay, I despaired quite a few times. Even though I had peace. Everything makes me tired. You know what I really wanted to say to this woman who did this intake for help to find a job? I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m in denial about being depressed. I did like launching books but I no longer know how to read for fun anymore. Or not take notes. And poetry helps me communicate with Jesus. I have to do it. I’ll lose it if I don’t. I’ve lost it some already.
But I said I write poetry and have been helping authors launch their books. Good stuff, isn’t it? That’s not really who I am. I’m your kid. Your kid who doesn’t want to work. Who feels lost and confused and wants a hug at least 25 times a day. Yeah, I know, weird number. But really it’s a lot. Maybe 100-150 real tight ones. But I need strength to keep going. I also apparently need lots of chocolate and slushies and if it’s at all possible more laughter and time to listen to audio books with a book. Let me pretend I’m sitting on your lap while you tell me a story. I’ll sit and turn the pages while I listen to you calm my anxious heart. With your comfort.
Let it be my delight. I have 60 days to wait and see how a woman who doesn’t know me only from what I say and paperwork can train me for a job. Be my advocate. Lord. You know my heart. You know my anxious heart and how I don’t want this. Really. Sleep sounds like the best thing in the world. Days of it. But I can’t. Help me. Let me see your heart in this wait and when you gently (oh please let it be gently) ask me to see what you have for me.
You are good. You are faithful. You are true. You know my heart. You know what I need and what I want. You know what is best and what will draw me close to you.
And right now, I need you.