I tried climbing up the stairs by myself today. The dog had to go the bathroom and kept doing that whiny thing he does and basically sat there waiting for me. Yeah, good. Play We’ve Got This Hope by Ellie again. And now, Songs of Deliverance.
It takes me back to singing in Trisha’s car at the gas station. Or maybe it was to it. But before I go off topic, I was half way up there before I became afraid. And you know, I kept trying to think how proud Nolan would be. But then I started sweating. This is too high. I’m almost there. God, help me.
Why is this my life? I’m not going to make it in time. Call Nolan. No answer. Until I went back down to put on slippers. He tells me later he’s not going to deal with my fear of the stairs anymore. Or something. And I already felt the disappointment because I only made it half way the first time when it was just you and me.
Lord, even now I want to cry. Because while he played Elvis and sang along, I talked to You in my head. About my weakness or maybe the verse. Where Your power is made perfect in weakness. And I wondered why even though he wanted to help, it didn’t feel encouraging. Humiliating. That I’m afraid of falling. That I want Your presence encircling around me, Your smile asking me, come? It’s okay. I’m here. Your face.
Because it’s easy for those who can walk to bound up and down the stairs (unless the person is afraid of heights) while I take my time. And yes, I’m a little cynical maybe that I feel like no one understands. And I know that’s not entirely true and everyone has fears. But sometimes I think you think I’m a baby because I’m afraid. And once I get upstairs, I find myself sobbing to Kallayah for reasons I’m unsure of. But I think it’s all this stuff you’re bringing to surface. Wanting intimacy with friends. Hating how I think of marriage. HATING. How the stairs are a small thing to be afraid of. And then I tell Trisha I’m randomly sobbing. And there’s so much I want to say but I don’t how to say it.
Because you bringing all this to the surface is a lot. My heart aches. And I just want a breath. Breathe. It’s like declare all over again. Not that I don’t fit but that I keep crying. Over and over. I don’t want it fixed. But to sit with someone in it. And telling Kallayah I wish she could last night. Physically. But ughh I’m so thankful that this is coming to the surface even though it hurts so much. That she listens and prays and shares her heart with me. And her sensitivity. I can’t wait to give her a hug. And laugh in person. The wait will be worth it. You’ve gone above and beyond the last two years with seeing Trisha. So I need to trust the timing with this and grow in the meantime. I love you for giving me these friends I never expected. Thank you.
No idea where I was going with this letter.
you tender haired girl