It shouldn’t matter if I hear back from a friend, right? If I am seeking the best for them. But still I question my value with one and not others. I want to give still, top. It’s the in-between time. The time when I start to doubt. Oh, I said something wrong. Oh, must not care. But something will make me think of them and I’ll have the desire to share again. Theres joy in it too. But the in-between/receiving make me uncomfortable. Scared. Sometimes empty.
It doesn’t make sense that I want to keep on loving this friend while also feeling hurt. Over not feeling connected and not feeling valued. But we’re both struggling and it’s weird not talking as we did before. And I still want to be there for her. I don’t want to be selfish. Not like I was earlier this year. You know how terrified that made me of myself. How I got so twisty.
I know the enemy wants me to focus on it. What a horrible person I am. How hungry I am for affirmation. Love. Al of which I know come from You. The people in my life help me focus on Your truth, too. I am loved even if I do screw up everyday. Selfish. You have to love humanity. I think serious sarcasm. I don’t want to be concerned for someone with the hope they’ll thank me. That’s selfish probably. Ugh, can I ask to see how You are unselfishly concerned for me? Please. For the love of who You are. Which is love. Over and over. In the small ways that make me smile.
And maybe You showed mw today. 1. My brother making up a song about me teaching math. 2. Josh Groban-Believe (I want to watch The Polar Express soon, please.) 3. Mozarella sticks/chocolate chip cookies from mom (still have to eat the cookies). And God, maybe I want to be selfish right now because if I cant see or really receive Your love for me, how can I truly love others well? Without a hint of I hope I’m doing enough, hear a thank you, wonder if they care.
You care. And You know the struggle I have with feeling the seasons of friendships. And not liking how this one feels right now. But You are constant. You listen even if nothing changes. You know the hurt too. The hurt I have caused and am afraid to cause again. Please be near me. And bless this friend beyond what I ask or think. Make our friendship better than before. Wipe away my fear. Regardless what I hear back.
You are good.
You are faithful.
You are true.
You are hope.
You know my heart.
Thank You that You do.
your tender-haired girl
Ps. The wishbone wish I made today and got the bigger piece, was that You too? Because I’ve never gotten that. At least I don’t think so.Is that a real thing?