How do I thank You for the fear inside my heart? How do I tell You I know it is my need for You? My need to be shown I’m not always in the wrong. I feel in the wrong, condemnation if I say goodbye because that means I didn’t stay faithful. I didn’t stay a friend when it isn’t about if I see, hear, or know that I am valued but that I love You. And that love, Your love for me, the love You give first should flow out like a river to refresh them again. And again.
But how can I do that when I struggle to receive the grace You offer me? Your favor, if You will. It is like the unopened package I left on my bed most of the day yesterday, when another friend asked me if I was okay. I said no. There was a pause, an I’m sorry, and a question about if I had received a package. Yes, I hadn’t opened it but I would.
Why haven’t you opened it?
Because I don’t know how to receive.
I don’t think I deserve it.
The next thing shook me with fear.
Then send it back.
It sounded like anger in my head reading it, but I know it was hurt
Hurt because I rejected her, her heart, instead of opening the package, immediately with joy and flooding her with gratitude.
I sat there immobilized for a while. I welled up telling You, I really do believe I have to earn love.
And I opened the package, telling You things can’t make me feel better. But it isn’t about that. It’s about receiving Your love for me. You. Making myself at home in Your love.
Letting myself delight in Your arms. Your smile on me. Your laughter. Your eyes which hold deep love and forgiveness so deep I don’t know how to grasp.
I don’t want to deny You, Your love, Your heart for me. This friend who sent the package really opened me to even if I hurt You, You’re still like, look at the kitty! Now the kittie(s)! And this hat!
It’s like I’m waiting for You to leave me, but You keep on showing Your heart to me. Mercy. Grace. Forgiveness. I know I keep asking, but keep showing me Your favor. Your kindness more than normal. Thank You for teaching me how to receive the good things even if it is like pulling teeth. For me. But You still stand here, I love you. Receive it, will you please?
Thank you for Teri, for her gentle but firm love, refusing to give up on me. And the book where I can experience Jesus everyday for a year. I can start now. And for the corn/peanut butter banana sandwich, Katherine wanting to send a Christmas card. This is how I #beatdepression today.
I don’t know why this verse: ‘ The blessing of the Lord brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God.) Proverbs 10:22 came in my head a bit while writing this, but okay. I know I’ve written about it before. Hm.
Your tender haired girl
Ps. I am undeserving, but You are so good to me. Thank You.