Here I am again. This joy scares me. The way I keep giving little things and the way I feel from inside, wow. If this is how You feel, even a fraction, it feels so good. It’s like Nolan told me a few weeks ago. The element of surprise. I can’t wait til one friend checks her email and another one checks her mail tomorrow. Literally I can’t wait. CANT WAIT. I hope she is so shocked. I hope they both are. It makes the grief dissipate. And I know You put Beckah Shae’s I’ll be alright on right now. It’s a little weird I can’t listen Christmas music but I can’t help it.
When the way was dreary and my heart was so oppressed, Your voice it lulled me to calm and rest.
These lyrics by Sara Groves, What a Friend have been playing in my head since this morning. Like You are singing to me or my heart is singing to You. It won’t stop, Lord. It’s like my heart keeps returning to them. My heart is oppressed with the negativity and the grief of last week that is lingering and grandma’s birthday being tomorrow but her not being here and then remembering that she passed two days after that and then Christmas. God, it hurts. And I don’t know why giving gifts to three friends and waiting on the one for dad is helping me not stay completely in the sadness. I mean I’ve been in the sadness of having to let a friend go, but this week is like added grief.
But I can go back to how the one friend I sent a gift to checked on me repeatedly. Told me I could call whenever I want. It didn’t matter. The texts of how are you? and offering to get me ice cream if I was there. And You know what I just realized? You made that happen this year. And here come the tears. Whoa. I love you. You weave things so beautifully. I know I tell You constantly but I’m so thankful for this friend. And You. You just put the Lol song on. Oh, God, You’re going to make all the memories flow. Like I remember talking and her doing the hand move for LOL and talking about wanting joy. She’s got it. Yours. It is beautiful. And I know You’re giving more.
I don’t know where this letter was going, but please bring Your joy this week. And comfort for this grief that apparently wants to come like a tidal wave.
Yay, Ellie’s, Don’t forget His love.
Who redeems your life from the pit & who crowns you with His love.
And now magnolia..
O magnolia, won’t you rest your head on my shoulder?
Yes, I will.
your tender-haired (& hearted) girl
PS. I just want quote songs to You – good thing You like to sing. Thank you for telling me the best is yet to come and the meat loaf and the tea. And just loving me as You do.