You have searched me
& found I love giving from
a heart becoming full (never
let me get my fill-let me always
hunger) of You. Pride and bitterness want
me to exclaim,
I’m fine. I don’t need you.
That is why I laughed when
she wrapped her arms around me
in a long hug before she left.
I could feel the I’m sorry. The
gentle strength pleading, forgive me.
You can rest and cry.
It broke some of my defense, some of my
numbness away. But I didn’t break fully. I
didn’t cry. I laughed the nervousness
away. I couldn’t let her into the
brokenness – the pain of loving her. How
I never gave (or want to give up) on her.
How I long to live in unity – with/for,
never at, against her. How I keep giving
and giving little pieces of encouragement,
my heart, memories & in that moment,
Lord, nothing else matters.
In the moments after, still I linger.
And then I wonder as I do now:
Why do I want nothing back?
Why does my heart feel so content,
compelled to keep loving even if the
response is small or nothing at all? Why
does it leave me aching at a
response or nothing, like it was
a dismissal of my heart? Why do I want to
see if you can restore trust? I know what
You say, a friend loves at all times.
You work all things for good.
Show me, Lord. Bring my heart
awake to the pain that is still hiding &
give it a burial place. Show me Your
Your tender haired girl
Ps. I don’t want revenge – but more presence & laughter. A safe place to cry.