1/15/18

//

Day 50

//

Father, 

You have searched me

& found I love giving from 

a heart becoming full (never

let me get my fill-let me always 

hunger) of You. Pride and bitterness want 

me to exclaim,

I’m fine. I don’t need you. 

That is why I laughed when 

she wrapped her arms around me

in a long hug before she left. 

I could feel the I’m sorry. The

gentle strength pleading, forgive me.

 You can rest and cry. 

It broke some of my defense, some of my 

numbness away. But I didn’t break fully. I 

didn’t cry. I laughed the nervousness

away. I couldn’t let her into the 

brokenness – the pain of loving her. How 

I never gave (or want to give up) on her. 

How I long to live in unity – with/for, 

never at, against her. How I keep giving 

and giving little pieces of encouragement, 

my heart, memories & in that moment, 

Lord, nothing else matters. 

In the moments after, still I linger. 

And then I wonder as I do now:

Why do I want nothing back?

Why does my heart feel so content, 

compelled to keep loving even if the 

response is small or nothing at all? Why

does it leave me aching at a 

response or nothing, like it was 

a dismissal of my heart? Why do I want to 

see if you can restore trust? I know what 

You say, a friend loves at all times. 

You work all things for good. 

Show me, Lord. Bring my heart 

awake to the pain that is still hiding & 

give it a burial place. Show me Your 

redeeming grace. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I don’t want revenge – but more presence & laughter. A safe place to cry. 

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One thought on “1/15/18

  1. Pingback: 1/16/18  | crippledatYourtable

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