2/24-25/18

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Day 72

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God,

I know right now I could sit here and twiddle my thumbs and worry —so tempting— but I’m going to sit here and worship You instead. You are healer. You are comfort. You are hope. You are restoration. You are redeemer. You are sovereign—You got all this under control. Thank You for the doughnuts and coffee this morning that I am still savoring. Thank You for the friends You’ve put in my life—I’m so thankful they will pray and let me dispel any fear and share my heart. Thank You for Kristene Dimarco’s song, Fear Not. You know it’s on a loop right now. I’m kind of surprised Spotify hasn’t gone to commercial yet. Hahaha.

When the questions start arising
Keep your eyes fixed straight ahead
Hold on tightly to the promise
Hold firmly to the truth,
That I love you,
Oh, I love you.

Show me Your face today—the love that captivates me. Holds me. Reassures me.

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Day 73

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Lord.

This is hard. It hurts. This feeling I’m not enough. Shut out. Shut down. And once again, I feel the hurry of this world—the peace that this world gives when you have results. Your presence, Lord. Your eyes. Your face. Maybe that’s why I want keep Kristene Dimarco’s music yesterday & today, because I need the refuge and I keep hearing You.

My heart is set on Your face,
Now open these eyes to see.

/
You’re the best believer in me.
*
Let it be so, Lord. Let me see.

 

Your tender haired girl.

 

PS. Thank You for Sarah – for her telling me I’m so very loved and to never forget it. And the venti java chip (I love the coffee-ness over flat out chocolate) from her. I love that she never minds. It’s like she delights in it. Thank You for showing in writing an email to Trisha, writing is something You have called me to. Thank You for the Skit Guys-Fully Human, Fully God–helps me see You understand the fear, the anger, the sorrow. Thank You for holding my family. together. And me. Thank You for being before all things, in all things & hold ALL things together.

2/23/18

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Day 71

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God,
What beauty did
Bartimaeus see when You
Healed him from blindness—
What will I see after this cataract
Surgery? Will the sun be brighter?
Will flowers hold more color? Will
The shadows disappear I sometimes
See? Will I still have to hold things close
To my face, or be jumpy when someone
Comes close? What I don’t understand
Is having to be awake for tpphe whole thing—
I kn(ow You will be there in the pre-op appt.
Next Friday & whenever the surgery is. I’m
afraid, Lord. I know it’s a routine surgery,
& it’s just a laser & it will be okay because
You will be with me—I don’t like being awake
Even with whatever they will give to relax me.
“Hey, let’s look at your eye & take that cloudy
Away, okay? Now whatever you do, don’t blink
Or move.” Yeah, that sounds so fun. Especially
With how jumpy I am. Lord, I Would really like
A friend to sit with me during some of the recovery—
To make me laugh and maybe read to me You already
Know what I said I’d like yesterday. It makes me laugh
Still If You did it, I think You’d get a shout of joy—remember
I said I wanted to see when a shout of joy escaped my lips?
Could You do this with this request? Please, please. Thank
You for being here now, anyhow. Thank You for knowing my
Fears & not pffting them aside, or my request for comfort &
Laughter & presence. You are good to provide them all—
May I take note & thank You because it all comes from
You.)

Love,
Your tender-haired girl

fmf: beauty.  ( is where the timer stopped.

 

 

2/20/18

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Day 70
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God,

I’ve been reading Jesus Every Day and part of the prayer is remembering 20 ways You’ve been good to me. It’s a bit of a struggle right now, but here You go:

  1. The cats. Juno provides a comfort You knew I needed when I came back here. I find it hilarious she kneads me like I’m her mom. And Baby—since she had her surgery shortly (or the same day as my hysterectomy) and can’t go outside, she seems to find my room a sanctuary. It’s nice.
  2. Jamie Grace. Specifically how You used her music to comfort and help me cry out to You. And getting to see her/meet her with Megan. I’ll never forget when we waited in line and Megan goes, You’re like a kid in a candy store. But most of all, I was glad she was with me There is no one else I want to go on adventures like that – really any adventure.
  3. Adventures in the valley—Ellie Holcomb concert/meeting her, Marc Martel, Skit Guys. All with Megan. I really never imagined any of that would happen. Or that I would go to that many concerts and that Megan loves music as much as I do. All the Jesus jams. It just amazes me when I thought my only concert would be Hilary Duff.
  4. Grandma/Grandpa/Grandna from Dad’s side. They taught me so much about presence. Giving time, themselves. From the symphony, fish fries, the movies almost every weekend and lunch, the library. Everything always felt so precious, sacred. Like grandma making dinner and putting on Reba. Or when we made fun of the side effects of medicines. Or mimicked the weatherman’s sweeping hand motions. Or watching the food network Or the time she gently and firmly told Michael that I understood that I was beautiful when he just kept telling me over and over: you are beautiful, did you know that? Over cantaloupe. The way she told me I’d look back and wonder why I dated him just as she did with someone.
  5. The way You saved me from Michael. The way You gave me the courage to say no to going further than I was willing. The way mom pumped up S Club 7 and drove through a storm so we could get home earlier. I know now she wasn’t trying to ruin fun (there wasn’t any), but You were protecting my heart through her knowing we had to go. I love her so much for that even though I was stubborn (still am) and wanted to be in love. Still do.
  6. Just like when he broke up with me over text weeks after, asking how my mom was(still will never forget it), and gradually moving into we need to see other people. But I still have the words from a coin he said made me think of him. One side said: Love is patient. Love is kind. The other: True Love Waits. I’ve never forgotten it. Even though uncle Scott has the coin now. I know now You were reassuring there would (will?) be a guy who will wait for me. And now, I think You’re gently telling me to wait and see.
  7. This bed and the bath chair 2 ways You provided abundantly. In the midst of grief when mom’s mom passed.
  8. This computer from dad.
  9. When the neighbor from the old house came over before getting it and abruptly (okay maybe not) sang a song about waiting for You. Showed me the verses in Lamentations and reassured me she had to wait a long time too. Still not sure if she meant in general or specifically. But it was so reassuring in the moment.
  10. Sara Groves music. Her vulnerability. And meeting Momsie from fmf, who also loves her stuff too.
  11. The whole five minute Friday community, which I didn’t know existed until Trisha encouraged me to try it one Friday in October and almost 4 years later, I still love it. I look forward to it every week. And, I get to be a part of Kate’s launch for her book. Seriously? All You!
  12. As is the 12 launches I’ve been part of before where I’ve met, Teri, Julianna, Shannan, Kallayah, Mandy, Jamie, Tonya, Deanna… Also, wouldn’t even know what a launch if Trisha didn’t tell me she was applying to one..and I wanted to do one..and then Emily Freeman did a post about her’s and boom. Has it really been 12?
  13. Anna. Who I met through the happiness dare. I will forever forget time difference. When we start sharing our hearts and music, everything fades. I love that You know my heart so well and the people I need. The Netherlands need to be a little closer.
  14. Kelly. She’s helping me become more myself. Seriously, one of these days I feel she may try to make me have a car concert. I think about this and I want to laugh and laugh. But I want to have many many more car jams to Beckah Shae with her. And movies. And deep talks. And grilled cheese from Panera. Hahaha. I’m so thankful for her and her love for You.
  15. Declare last year. From the first class flight (which Kelly said was Your favor. Funny it’s my word this year.), to meeting Miah, to more time with Trisha, meeting Desiree and Kayla. Winning the unashamed book (THIS BOOK, LORD. I don’t know what You are doing, but it’s intriguing) to someone buying me coffee, all the sobbing, meeting Linda, the rainbow, Brahms’s ice cream (take me back please ), time with dad in the convertible and whattaburger, that sunset.
  16. These pajama mom got before the hysterectomy. I love you more too, God.
  17. The doctor who did my surgery. And the nurses. I saw you so much.
  18. The time you’ve given with my family. It is hard, but there are moments that can overwhelm me at the goodness, like watching a movie or laughing about the dog. Small stiff.
  19. My blog. I didn’t know You could and still are bringing so much good from the pain I needed to get out. It’s beautiful. And I’ll never forget when I freaked out on Gwen about taking the step and she was chill and excited about it. Thank You that she continues to encourage my writing and be a friend and know when something is up from so very far.
  20. You. That listen to me and let me go on and on and on. Being with You like this makes me so happy.

I think this is more than 20 and I could do way more I think. But I’m going to jam to Beckah Shae. Seriously just want to head bob all night. And also? The majority  deals with presence. Relationship. It’s very interesting.

Love,
Your tender haired girl.

2/18/18

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Day 69

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God,

With my eyes on You,
Will You pave the way –
Remind me I am worth
Way more than all the gold
This world can offer me?
I don’t know how to see
Myself beyond what I give,
What I do for You. Reprise
My belief, Lord I want to be
Braver still as I sit here, I have
Not lost Your love. Let my voice
Find Your ear—could You be this
Good? To listen as I question before
Your throne, where I can boldly come-
Mercy! Have mercy. For my need to see
Myself more than the lies – too slow, too
Honest, too giving, needy, failure as a daughter,
Friend – say I am. Let me catch a glimpse pf
Your face today, the kindness overflow & I will
Follow You the best I can. I struggle, Lord
believing I’m wonderfully made when my heart
Fears more shame. More greed. More need.
More space to dream – a spacious place only You
Can bring me into because You delight in me.
You are fighting for me. Help me be still & wait
For You. You. Are intentional in all You do —
You are gentle with every what if I question
Your way. Let Your whispers continuously
Hold me. Stil.

Your tender haired girl

A Letter for the Days When You Feel Insecure — Trisha Mugo

You’re wondering how your faith dissipated so quickly and why you find yourself mired by constant self-doubt. I want you to remember this. You are called. You are capable. You are loved. So you’ve lost a week or so. Don’t lose the whole year! Remember: “Quick down, quick up.” Brush yourself off. Get back up.…

via A Letter for the Days When You Feel Insecure — Trisha Mugo

This is really, really good stuff.  Called. Capable. Loved. 🙋

2/17/18

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Day 68

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God,

This book:


is very interesting. The challenges this week have been um, intense. There’s a better word. Like yesterday: find a mentor. You know, I find Trisha very mentor-y. She takes all my insane ramblings and tells me I’m too in my head in the gentlest way. And prays for me. And if I could sit across from her once a week at Brahm’s, Starbucks, or that place we once went for tacos, every week, I’d probably tell her all of my woes and some joys (like with the skit guys.), but I think I’d mostly want to sit there and go, YOU WRITE THAT BOOK, SISTER. WORK THOSE WORDS. (maybe not that loud but it’s hilarious to think about..hook me up with a pom-pom and Beckah Shae jams and Ellie Holcomb and we are good to go..oh please, Lord, one day. 😂 it makes me want to fall on the floor with laughter.) It could also be very distracting but I think she’d take it, hahahaha. I’d make sure I’d write some stuff. Probably one of these. Lol. I love that she believes in me as much as I believe in her. 

She helped me with another one of those challenges in #100daystobrave. When I loathed the idea of asking a guy to coffee. No, I really thought it was hilarious. But once I told her and she told me to do it while waiting at the dentist, I wanted to try. And yes, I dreamed a little sitting in the dentist chair what would it be with yes. And no. And she told me not to think too much (I need to be told that. I get a little too lost in there. What is it all writers?) Through the miles, she holds my hand and reminds me I’m not alone. I’m loved and can go crazy, just don’t stay there. Ugh, how easy it is. But the beautiful thing about You, God, is in the process of needing a friend and having to put myself out there, I’ve gotten to encourage her too. It boggles my mind. 

I know I’ve told You, but I love You a lot for putting her in my life. I can tell her all my crazy dreams and I can along side her in her’s. And I get to see more of You- through her marriage and kids and the way she is a friend to me. 

This book, LORD, has made me look at my dreams – the way I wanted to write a book so long ago and did. But the reason – to prove myself as a writer-was wrong. I don’t have to. A few weeks ago when one of the days was about my thesis and I said it was to be the friend who encourages and helps with their dreams, made me think. I don’t get anything any more lately. Not sure I have ever. Nope. It came out so fast and you know I’d help in a heartbeat. But I know I can’t push my way and You will clear the way in Your time. And if You did let me go to Texas for any extended time more than days, I’d need so much encouragement it’s crazy. Cause just because I say I love it over there, I’m so used to the valley. The pain and the shadows. It’s hard for me to see the places You let me rest my head. 

Especially here and now where everything feels hard and tiring. And most days lately even though I don’t feel that desperation in my heart (to be saved from a human) as often anymore, I still want a friend to come over here. To eat food and watch movies and talk and just be together. I’d do that with Kelly and Megan in a heartbeat. They are my friends in the valley and although it is hard and confusing and most times right now I’m content being with You, I still want to fight for our friendships. That feels like the bravest thing right now with the lies that scream for me to give up, you’re losing all your friends, you’re so selfish, no one cares.

And if it’s anything you’re trying to show me is that I can’t give up even if things get lost in translation. And I know this is completely random but I seriously need some more encouragement today. Plwase. 

Thank you,

Your tender haired girl 
Ps. Going to pump up worship music now. So much. 

2/16/18

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Day 67

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God,
I could ask You why. Why do I feel so numb/afraid after time with a friend last week? Why did I ask a guy who I haven’t talked to since he gave me his condolences for my grandma almost 4 years ago out for coffee? It’s not me. I didn’t get a yes or a no, but a maybe. Which I guess is a yes with an TBA time. Why do I want you to allow me to out with a guy once to see if maybe we could be friends without me getting all, he likes me. Why is being brave even to dream about this, so vulnerable? I didn’t even want to do it. But in the dentist office with a friend’s gentle nudge to do it, I did. But now, I’m confused. Not in a bad way, just like what if I’ve been hiding from myself

 

fmf: why

This letter is pretty self explanatory. When I experience good things – I shut down for a while and don’t know how to process except, oh my gosh! look at this! 

and then I want to tell everything while wanting to savor and process. And this week, thanks to this book, I asked a guy to coffee. I laughed a little too much reading the challenge for that day (on valentines Day./Ash Wednesday.) because I told God, hahahaha, God. I’m not going on a date. My pretend date. I don’t know any guys. Then, later while I’m telling a friend this, I think of a guy I sorta know. I think this friend is hilarious when she says, do it! I debate because me with guys is: I really want you to like me more than a friend because I don’t know how to be friend/dont know if you want to be my friend/I don’t want to get hurt again/come off as I NEED YOUR ATTENTION  (because I’ve been that way before..) I know these are all girl feelings. Normal. But this girl would like to fool herself into thinking she doesn’t need to be in love. Or dreaming about it. I have a love/hate relationship with it. The thing that cracks me up is God knows even though I’m all, NOOOOO. (but maybe.) ugh,

I don’t even know how to end this post. I’m going to catch up on the latest skit guys podcast (saw them last week. There will be a post once I can wrap my mind around it. But, they are so much better live than the million times I’ve seen videos/heard podcasts. The gummy bears were AWESOME.) and eat another strawberries and cream Lindt ball thanks to my sister  🙂

2/6/18

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Day 66

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God,

Here I am 

on this Tuesday 

surrounded by Your love –

it comes steady, concern 

from two friends asking if 

I’m okay. How do I say, I’m 

being pushed by fear to believe

the worst: I’m too much. I feel that way 

at least. I give so much & I’m so afraid 

silence 

is what I deserve. I want to close myself 

off from anymore 

rejection. It’s perceived, I know this. It’s 

always good in the giving, then the 

waiting. And honestly, it’s fine. Until: 

whoa. What’s all this emotion for? You’re

crying? And then the silence. Not a word. 

And I tell myself things like, they’re

busy. It was good in giving. Shouldn’t 

care about response. But my heart 

screams, I want to be loved. Why do 

people have to leave? Why does it have to 

hurt to risk closeness when you put your 

heart out and say, ‘I love you. I want to be 

with you.’ But it never seemed quite 

mutual? And then to put yourself out 

there again, and something will not let 

me stop, Lord. Even tho the enemy

screams louder and louder & I want to 

hide away, You will not let me. 

Help me see what You see.

Help me believe I’m worthy of love.

Help me see my beauty. 

Love 

your tender haired girl.

Ps. I know You are faithful and good. This hurts way more than I understand. This feeling of rejection from years ago. Help me let it go, Lord. Please. 

2/4-5/18

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Day 65

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God,

We can be forevermore –

You can make my heart better,

because when I see Your love

I open – a rose in bloom. Though the 

thorn may make 

my side ache from all the hurt

I’ve caused, it’s the shovel You take with

a look on Your face,

never angry, rather concern:

I buried all your grief, anger, once you 

asked Me to take it.

See?

RIP. Before. 

And now, we 

are here, thick as thieves, except I don’t 

have to steal your

love – for I am lost in Your midnight 

serenade where You sing, daughter, 

let Me see you 

dance to the beat of your own. For you were 

once lost in the world, but I found you. I 

wrapped you in my heart never to let go. 

You are better 

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Day 66

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God,

I lay on the couch and look at the sun. I tell You the pain You know so well: I’m afraid I’m too much. And the tears come gentle and slow, because I’m afraid of breaking before her. Letting everything fall with the rain. Will she look at me with wide eyes wanting to fix me? Or will she embrace me? And this is where I have to trust You. 

But like Kristene DiMarco’s song Take Courage says: You are in the waiting. 

So I shall wait and see Your goodness in the land of the living. 

Thank You for Your always open ears, Lord. It is a comfort even if You don’t answer immediately. You are the God who sees & hears me. You redeem all things. 

love,

Your tender haired girl 

2/3/18

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Day 64

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God,

I am slowly breaking 

my heart open, only 

to met with silence. 

I can’t imagine what 

it was like for her to read

those words from the other 

side of the screen & me feeling 

the ache in my heart & the tears

fall silent from memories long 

ago? How does one deal with

a taking away of those you love – one 

through death & one through a chapter’s 

end of 9 years? You grieve one and move 

on from the other. Well,

until it comes up again. And again. Again. 

Again. Because 

that’s the nature of grief until

You wipe my tears up for good. 

& here I am, vulnerable & waiting. I know 

what I said,

that we can talk about it later, 

but once again the fear creeps:

You got too honest again

Thank You, Lord, she listens & for bringing her into my life when You did. And for Your love – patient & kind. 

Always patient & kind. 

Send me word of Your love tomorrow. It is unfailing. This I know. 

love,

Your tender haired girl