Here I am
on this Tuesday
surrounded by Your love –
it comes steady, concern
from two friends asking if
I’m okay. How do I say, I’m
being pushed by fear to believe
the worst: I’m too much. I feel that way
at least. I give so much & I’m so afraid
is what I deserve. I want to close myself
off from anymore
rejection. It’s perceived, I know this. It’s
always good in the giving, then the
waiting. And honestly, it’s fine. Until:
whoa. What’s all this emotion for? You’re
crying? And then the silence. Not a word.
And I tell myself things like, they’re
busy. It was good in giving. Shouldn’t
care about response. But my heart
screams, I want to be loved. Why do
people have to leave? Why does it have to
hurt to risk closeness when you put your
heart out and say, ‘I love you. I want to be
with you.’ But it never seemed quite
mutual? And then to put yourself out
there again, and something will not let
me stop, Lord. Even tho the enemy
screams louder and louder & I want to
hide away, You will not let me.
Help me see what You see.
Help me believe I’m worthy of love.
Help me see my beauty.
your tender haired girl.
Ps. I know You are faithful and good. This hurts way more than I understand. This feeling of rejection from years ago. Help me let it go, Lord. Please.