3/31/18

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Day 91

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God,
I keep thinking of 

the disciples, the 

weight of sorrow 

I feel on this Saturday 

(Sadderday). Walking 

back together, these 

disciples, friends hope 

for Your redeeming power,

saving. You meet them on 

this road & they don’t even 

know it’s You. You ask, what 

are you talking about? but their 

down turned faces could tell You. Still, 

You want to know. 

You come alongside them in

their sorrow, grief too heavy. 

They tell You they thought Jesus was the 

Messiah, but 

after three days, there is still 

no sight of You. 

Lord, it is me,

sitting here & 

saying, I can’t 

see You. Though 

I’m sure I saw You

in his smile & almost 

twinkle in his eyes

down to his smile.

The joy because he 

knows I have a sweet 

tooth & a love of chai. 

How can tears still find 

me, missing her from a

book about butterflies,

or the Polish hamburgers/

cabbage & noodles? Or the

friend coming to mind again 

after accidentally stumbling

upon a glitter bomb, imagining 

the laughter? – the

ache even though I know 

tomorrow celebrates You 

coming to redeem, call me

Your beloved, to Your side.

Us all.

But today, Lord –

I’m tired. I am weary. 

Things I’ve said yesterday 

& spoke aloud to You today,

makes me think You have all

right to look away, leave me 

in the dark, but still I sit & listen 

to these songs, about your faithfulness, 

that You are here –

even if You haven’t given me 

what I want, You are still good. 

Surround me in Your shelter,

kindness yet again. 

I’m trusting, You, Lord,

& if You disappear from 

view again, let me remember 

the burning of my heart as You

whisper, I’m still with you. O my 

child, I’m still with you. 

It’s true. 

love,

Your tender haired girl 

3/30/18

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Day 90

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Father,

Settle me down

in Your love today. 

Tomorrow. Sunday 

& beyond. Let me see 

The way You took upon

Your shoulders the weight 

of my envy-the sorrow over 

another’s blessings-and cried

out, forgive her. She knows not 

what she does. And as the blood fell, let 

me remember 

the tenderness You hold in Your 

heart for me, the grief I shed. Rise me 

again to see the beauty You give me and 

another – knowing that doesn’t come 

between us but draws us closer to 

different ways in which (You love us all

love,

tender-haired girl)

fmf: settle. ( is where timer stopped. 

A Place To Land (Book Review)

As soon as I saw Kate’s book, I knew I wanted to read it. Not just because the cover makes me remember the first time I went to visit a friend in Texas. Or that I’m captivated by how the sun looks, It was title and the blurb of how she struggled with her parents divorce and the longing for home. I felt interested that maybe someone could put to words what has been hard for me. She did. 

Kate Motaung’s memoir, A Place to Land tells her story of her struggle growing up torn. From her parents divorce when she was young and all that went along with that. Two separate houses. Holidays. Friends that had married parents. To moving to Cape Town, South Africa where she met her husband and the longing for there and home in America.

Kate also tells of her mom’s battle with cancer. I had a really hard time reading parts where she longed to be with her mom, but couldn’t be because she was on the other side of the world. Her bond with her sister, Sarah during this time was fascinating to me. Through all of the stress and just complete overwhelm during that time and even after, the bond between them only strengthened.

Through all these changes, Kate’s faith remained steadfast. The way she cried out to God with each new change gave me hope. Her story gave me hope that God does hear us when we call to Him. He comforts us when things are hard and loss is heavy. God remains faithful through all things.

I learned a lot about South Africa culture while reading this book. Table Mountain sounds really cool to look at in person. Wine Gums are not anything to do with wine, but are fruit flavored gummies that taste really good. I even asked two friends about them who live in Cape Town about them and took the plunge to buy them. 


Also, Sweppes isn’t ginger ale like it is in the U.S, but seems like it would be good to try. I also learned Rand is African money, tripe is the second stomach of a cow (yes, I know a really random fact, but I never knew.) and vulvuzelas are plastic horns.

I loved Kate’s writing throughout the book. It felt like I was sitting down with a friend, listening to her tell me her story while being reminded of God’s faithfulness again. That He is the giver of all things and where we find true belonging.

Some of my favorite quotes:

“When you notice that you’re getting to the last of the presents under the tree, you start to unwrap the gifts more slowly and deliberately, careful not to tear any piece of the paper-thin moment.”

“Though the Lord doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want, He always grants the gift of His presence.”

“We’re all needy—in desperate need of grace and redemption, groaning to be clothed in our heavenly dwelling (2 Corinthians 5:1–2). We’re all living in a temporary homeless shelter, ready and waiting for something better—for a home that lasts.”

“Some people say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I say absence just plain makes the heart hurt.”

“Sometimes it just takes the right words at the right moment from the right friend to shift perspective and help the light come into view.”


If you are going through or have struggled with:

• Divorced parents

Moving frequently

• Feeling unsettled

• Longing for more

• Dealing with cancer

• Grief

• Loss of a mother (or loved one)

• Living cross-culturally

 

this book will bring hope and comfort. It definitely has to my heart. 

Read a free chapter here

3/24/18

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Day 88

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Father,

here we are 

again-at this

table & her voice 

singing about Your

goodness–what is

Your routine kindness?

The way You’ve asked me

to wait again. To hold on yet

again. To wait again. To see.

There’s nothing here or is Your

silence a listening ear as I tell You, I don’t 

understand but I want to trust the 

kindness You store up, the blessing 

unseen will make me tear up, a cry of joy. 

There’s joy now and over and over again

You find me-with corn on (the cob & time 

with my parents and You alone, asking, 

how have I not read this before? Or 

pleading on another’s behalf, or singing 

as I am right now. It is You and me here, 

in this valley where I cry, ask why and 

feel the weight of disappointment, but 

still Your face greets me with a smile 

without deception to tease me.
love,

your tender-haired girl)

FMF: routine

*( is where timer stopped. 

3/21/18

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Day 87
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God,
I’m seriously afraid. I didn’t expect to hear back from them. It’s been months. Maybe 8. But I look at the unread email — the first line — and think, that sounds like a no. But I don’t know. But I don’t want to know. Okay, I do. I don’t want to feel the sting of rejection. That’s what I assume this is. And a yes would probably leave me stunned. I know I probably shouldn’t assume either way. And whether a yes or a no, You are glorified. It took a lot to write that. And ugh, LORD, I really thought You said earlier, what if I want to bless you? And I just stand/sit here with so much fear, which I think is so much deeper than I understand right now.

Help me be brave & open the email. Be with me. Send a friend to sit with me. Please. I don’t think I can do this alone.

Your tender-haired girl

 

ps. not sure why this in my head:  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Eph. 3:21) But okay. Help, Lord.

3/17/18

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Day 85

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God,

You give
Your ears
As I provide
The words I
Stumble over
To say goodbye
When I’d rather
Hold on, wait it out
& see—but You say,
Do you trust me?
& for some reason I do
Even as tears want to
Spill & my chest wants
To ache. I can question if
I said it, right, but I have to
Trust You know what is best
For me and her and our friendship,
Still I wish I would’ve seen the season
Running dry & known what to say before
I questioned why. Am I worthy? Why do I
Not want to give up and try try try? God,
For now, I still feel horrible at goodbyes –

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I leave them open ended
It’s an eternity thing, isn’t it?

pps. And this?  YES. I love You. Always showing up really when I need. miracles and wonders please.

 

fmf: provide. 

I accidentally set the timer for 5 hours instead of 5 minutes, so most of this was written in 9 minutes and some now. lol.

 

 

3/15/18

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Day 84

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Jesus,

This grief wants to crush me,
But I want to keep telling You—
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. But
You know the truth. I’m not.
I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m tired.
I keep wondering why the sorrow
Is a sudden free fall begging out —
Lord, I don’t know how to say goodbye,
Nor do I really want to, or feel I have
Any right to grieve what are shadows.
I want to crumble into You, into arms,
Into words without the shouting I hear
In my head: how could you not know?
How can you be so blind? How can you
hold out such hope, be kind? Are you mad?
You just want to continue to be walked on,
Used? But at the same time, anger sits
Wanting revenge. It is not mine to take,
Lord. You ask for mercy, to show it &
I try, but the hurt aches inside my eyes
For all the tears I want to cry. What healing
Has come from this or the way I was broken
With my head on her lap, asking why he had
To tell me goodbye? Over a text message. Or the way
I watched family become fam-ily, with the same desire
To fix, hold together, know I am loved. Where has it all
Pushed me, Lord, but into Your arms. How am I any
Better than I was?

Your tender-haired girl

PS. Because I still yearn for a physical person to hold me while I cry.

3/13/18

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Day 83

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Jesus,

Thank You for
Bringing the sorrow
To spill so freely & I
Beg You to hold me—
It happens so quickly
How I feel so unworthy,
Only here to do for, not
Be with. Is this how You
Felt when You came to set
Us free? Did not the Pharisees
Ask for miracles? No, they wanted
To clarify what was in the word when
The Word was standing right before them.
But I wouldn’t know (still don’t sometimes)
When love and mercy & faithfulness—You
in all Your glory are in front of me. When
You just want to hug me, ask about my day,
Share a meal with me. Laugh with me. Catch
Salty tears in Your hand—watch them dissolve
Into Your palm, nailed down to set me free. To
Be near me. To touch my face & call me lovely
Though today I see a girl empty. A girl who feels
Pressed in by darkness heavy, seeking the silence
Of me.

Lord, have mercy on me.

Your Tender-haired girl