7/30/18

//

Day 109

//

 God,

When I was thirteen,

did I want to be in love

as I do now? Where I want 

to let my guard down to a guy

and share my love for You &

watch us grow together. One

conversation, and then again. 

one hand held, one laugh, one 

cry until we bloom. Not that the 

silly butterflies where my inside 

keep my feelings cocooned &

nervousness takes flight only 

to die in the height of infatuation, but the

kind,

patience that takes hold, root. 

I don’t want to let hope die, Lord. Can 

You show me this guy if he is here to 

hold? To 

build up. I don’t understand 

anymore, Lord. Nothing makes 

sense and I’m lost with a somewhat

guard against 

my heart & a wonder if 

Anything is real. If anything 

within the past few days 

is You or an imitation of light. 

I’m duped so easy. But I didn’t 

seek this out, it found me. And 

left me in shock that I am seen. 

I am remembered. I am lost. 

I want a friendship to bloom. 

I am afraid. But also okay. Guide my 

heart. 

fmf: thirteen

7/20/18

//

Day 108

//

God,

I can’t get last weekend 

out of my head, my heart. 

The way she came inside 

& within 5 minutes we are 

laughing outside as a branch 

falls out of the tree – & we are 

in the car on the way to a mystery 

restraint – restaurant. 

The laughter & jokes are flying 

as the sun flys in my eyes, looking for a 

song. Or the way

she looked me dead in the eyes 

late the next morning or early &

says, I’m in this. I want to stare so long 

because I see You looking back at me – so 

kind,

gentle, sincere. Am I really that 

afraid of being left behind? Yes, 

but 

fmf: way

7/17/18

//

Day 107

//

God,

can I tell You 

this heaviness of heart 

wants to crush me? I’d like

to cry my eyes out so You 

can take all this salty & pour 

all this water in Your bottle

especially marked, Julia. I can’t 

bear this alone. I need You, Lord. I need a 

friend to let me fall apart. I’m sorry for 

trying 

to make something work that 

isn’t supposed to now or maybe not at all. 

Hold me closely because 

I wish I could turn off that I care.

If I sit here & sway to the music,

will You meet me? Take this burden & 

bear this load. It is 

too much & Your shoulders are

greater than my own. 

7/13/18

God, 

I want to be done 

with the dear fear,

the loss of control 

of what is to come now.

The fire inside my bones

grows & grows and I am 

pulled back to remember 

the wrong, what was said,

the anger, the sorrow of good

bye. What I don’t know is how 

to let be the past and open my 

hand to the embrace You spread for me – 

the dance in 

Your eyes oh, how it captivates

me, steadies me in this valley. 

Tell me, why do you love me?

How much do You love me? How do I 

chabg

fmf: done

I wanted to continue the poem with, how do I change Your heart to joy?, but I really like the new words 😂 last week was “surfender” & this week it’s “chabg.” 😂

7/6/18

Father,

I need a vacation 

From fear, judgement,

anger. Come in a little 

closer & whisper, I love you,

my youthful one. Let Me carry 

you close now, next to my beating heart. I 

cherish you more & more, even as the 

memories of what was take you over. 

How you wish you could start over. But 

my darling, there is better here & now as 

you sit here with that melody so close 

to your ear. I am right here, breathe Me 

in, Breathe Me out. 

My love will never plunder. I’ll stay here 

forever. I’ll always help you through 

surfender 

fmf: vacation 

*i love writing to the timer and leaving whatever comes out. You get words like surfender. 😂