9/28/18

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Day 118

//

God, 

I long to know

If this has potential—

It is not a desperate,

But a gentle calm

As I wait. You are 

Holding us in Your hand

& You brought us together

This time, right now, for reasons

I can’t seem to understand—

I walk by faith, not by sight 

You say. When all I can see

Is distance and constant,

Persistent talking, prayer, 

You must see more, like

Our hearts. I don’t know 

You are weaving this,

But it is beautiful &

Scary. I want to see Your

Hand in every little thing

& praise You all the more.

 

fmf: potential

9/22/18

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Day 117

//

God,

Your song

May it never 

Complete it’s melody

When I feel low or high

In the clouds of my daydreams,

Let ut repeat the chorus of Your

Love for me. Hold me & let me 

Sway to heart for me: I love you,

Child. I know Your desires – the 

Desires of intimacy—those smiles

& inside jokes & silence that will 

Never make you feel small, but 

seen & heard, held. Hold tight

To me. You’ll see the dance 

Isn’t over yet. It’s just begun & I know

You weren’t expecting this turn, but

It will be okay. Let my peace bring

You into this new thing where your

Voice is found, your laughter is heard

& the conversations linger on into the 

Night where you forget the time. I see

Those little smiles creep from your heart

To your mouth, spreading out. This is hope

I see you. 

 

fmf: complete.

 

God, You’re not done yet. I may be tired, sad and a little confused, but You do infinitely more than I ask or think or imagine according the power working within me. I want to see it–the ways You see me here, the sadness I feel for others, a bit of my own, but I know You are faithful, I will wait and see You. You will not forget me. You have a plan. A purpose. And there will be joy.

9/15/18

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Day 116

//

God,

In a crowd,

I feel small & lost,

But I’m with You in my

Thoughts & I want to hold

Your hand or someone’s

That I know believes in me

Enough to stick around even

When my actions are less than

Admirable—who still sees potential

& will hold my hand to remind me

I’m not alone. Your peace fills &

Guards my heart, but sometimes,

Okay all the time, I want to know 

Someone is in this life with me. 

 

fmf: crowd. 

9/7/18

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Day 115

//
God,

I need You

to bring rain

to his heart –

wash it clean,

open his eyes

to see You give

all of us a brand

new start. You don’t

give thought to the regret,

the pain – all You ask is for

an open heart. I can hear

a curiousity how I’ve gotten

here with You, where I’ve come

to know
fmf: rain.

Jesus, I really don’t understand what is happening to my heart. I do know I can’t stop praying for this friend. I keep finding myself on the phone longer than I like being on the phone at all. And genuinely smiling. Laughing. And mostly, quiet as I listen to myself and him.

It’s different – this opening of my heart. Slowing letting in someone with disabilities similar to mine who isn’t a girl or my friend. It is unexpected. Almost like a rain of blessing I can’t see yet.  The distance is hard and my heart has a longing I don’t get – and I block You out of it, telling You I don’t want it.  I was fine. I tell you over and over again this can’t be from You and I can’t feel like this and how on earth would it work?

 

God, You know what it is? I don’t trust You. I’m terrified to believe this is true. I’m afraid to believe You–what he is saying. I can feel the fear rise to the surface when before I would eat those words, swallowing them for hope they may be true from any guy who would tell me.

But now? My heart is closed, shut off, stunned, guarded. It has been years since I’ve liked someone outside of butterflies, oh please love me! God, I want to try with him–I’m so stuck in my head and my heart is afraid I will be crushed. I need You, Lord. I meed guidance. Peace. There’s too much I want to tell you. You need to be in the middle of this. And I can’t believe he knew that I used to hide in music, just like I do now.

I feel peace when I talk about him and I don’t want to assume he’s the one because I don’t know. I just know I would like a chance. That’s all. And for You to guide and get all the glory. And I will say thank You.

 

And it has been awhile since I’ve rambled. Jesus, help me trust You. You are scary, safe.

9/2/18

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Day 114

//

God, let us move

slow into this unknown

place — where I am smiling

too much & hiding in fear

of meeting his compassion

too soon. There is no soon

in coming to see You again

& again, but I didn’t expect.

This. I don’t want to rush into

anything and the distance

makes it easy. I can say no

to the call of concern & the texts, but I don’t want to. It’s

the vulnerability I fear – the

thought this isn’t real. But there’s a hope

in my heart

 

fmf: rush.

that maybe it could be.