9/7/18

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Day 115

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God,

I need You

to bring rain

to his heart –

wash it clean,

open his eyes

to see You give

all of us a brand

new start. You don’t

give thought to the regret,

the pain – all You ask is for

an open heart. I can hear

a curiousity how I’ve gotten

here with You, where I’ve come

to know
fmf: rain.

Jesus, I really don’t understand what is happening to my heart. I do know I can’t stop praying for this friend. I keep finding myself on the phone longer than I like being on the phone at all. And genuinely smiling. Laughing. And mostly, quiet as I listen to myself and him.

It’s different – this opening of my heart. Slowing letting in someone with disabilities similar to mine who isn’t a girl or my friend. It is unexpected. Almost like a rain of blessing I can’t see yet.  The distance is hard and my heart has a longing I don’t get – and I block You out of it, telling You I don’t want it.  I was fine. I tell you over and over again this can’t be from You and I can’t feel like this and how on earth would it work?

 

God, You know what it is? I don’t trust You. I’m terrified to believe this is true. I’m afraid to believe You–what he is saying. I can feel the fear rise to the surface when before I would eat those words, swallowing them for hope they may be true from any guy who would tell me.

But now? My heart is closed, shut off, stunned, guarded. It has been years since I’ve liked someone outside of butterflies, oh please love me! God, I want to try with him–I’m so stuck in my head and my heart is afraid I will be crushed. I need You, Lord. I meed guidance. Peace. There’s too much I want to tell you. You need to be in the middle of this. And I can’t believe he knew that I used to hide in music, just like I do now.

I feel peace when I talk about him and I don’t want to assume he’s the one because I don’t know. I just know I would like a chance. That’s all. And for You to guide and get all the glory. And I will say thank You.

 

And it has been awhile since I’ve rambled. Jesus, help me trust You. You are scary, safe.

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