10/14/18

//

Day 123

//

God,

What I can praise You 

for– the butterflies You place 

before my eyes that remind me 

to breathe & stay steady. Steadfast. Last

night the tears 

came ready to expose the lies 

– I am getting pushed away again when 

there is distance already. But then I fell 

You I don’t understand, I don’t know 

what to say, but I feel 

– You standing there, listening 

– and looking at me even if I 

– can’t see You. And then You 

– give me the courage to sing 

– & dance  

fmf: praise

10/6-7/18

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Day 121-122

//

God,

Who I am to be

given love like this –

under these covers 

where my body freezes 

and heats from the flu,

You surround me with 

the dog next to me & 

melody & memories 

of a friend who saw Your

fruit growing in me long before 

this girl knew what she saw in me–the 

fruit of the spirit –inevitable when I 

spend with You under Your wings. I 

whisper 

every longing that hasn’t come

to be, or maybe one has and I’ve been too 

blind to see. 

Rescue me from the doubt 

subtly creeping into my mind:

You have forgotten me. You 

don’t hear me. My longing &

desire are too much for you. 

I want to tell him over & over, 

losing my religion-all those prayers I 

prayed when I was little, every last 

person, the ‘now I lay me to sleep prayer’ 

– the fear that Jesus was condemning me 

as I slept each night, doesn’t compare to 

turning my eyes upon Him &

feeling loved in stillness knowing even if 

He doesn’t answer as I expect, He has the 

best for me. 

As He does for you. Relationship means 

you can show your soul and know you 

are still loved. You can start over. You can 

believe the best. 

You can dream. And yes, I know 

I struggle with allowing myself to do this, 

to be loved, but You say I am, Jesus. I am 

welcomed 

to abide in this love. Because 

then the fruit grows. I remember when 

he said

I was inviting him into this 

relationship You and I share &

it made my heart swell. I yearn 

for him to see You and remember every 

talk we’ve had

or will have about You. I want 

You to be the center of our relationship, 

God. I want him 

to know Your peace, Your forgiveness, 

Your love. 

I want him to know You are 

still rolling stones of shame & loss & 

bring 

beauty out. You

make all things new – laughter 

from sorrow, goodbyes to hellos, rebel 

hearts to open,

ready to receive from You. 

Let fear not dictate to turn 

Your love away, You give 

everything lovely — this name

he called me one morning and 

then I heard it in a song describing who 

You are and then again in a verse You 

whispered to my heart gently, think 

about the things noble, true, lovely, 

praiseworthy, honorable. But I think how 

I hear/see You in his words/actions even 

if we are miles away. I know I say it a lot, 

but there is a longing and fire in my 

bones I can’t shake  – I yearn to see Your 

hand in this whole thing and I will keep

asking & listen to Your reassuring:

Look 

up, child, I’m making a way. 

You’ll see. 

This poem was inspired by life currently (as always) and Lauren Daigle’s album, Look Up, Child. I will never tire of getting moved by an artist’s music and writing with the song titles. It’s so much fun. ☺️ feeling God meet me there every time. 

10/5/18

//

Day 120

//

God, 

what can I share 

with You that’s on my heart 

You don’t already know –

my body aches, my eyes hurt 

as if I haven’t slept in weeks 

even though I went to sleep 

at 7 last night and woke up 

at 2 am wanting You. Staring 

into the darkness, feeling 

disoriented and lost. 

I want to sleep for hours

but fill my heart with noise, 

truth, silence. I want to go back 

up north and feel the autumn that can’t 

be found in 88 degrees. Or changing 

colors of leaves. Yellows. Reds. Oranges. 

God, my heart longs to know

what You are doing but still 

I am content. I am c(ontent to be still and 

wait for You. Come soon, won’t You?)
fmf: share.

(* where timer stopped. 

10/4/18

//

Day 119

//

The world is loud,

too loud. I can not 

hear my heartbeat 

anymore over the lawn mower, cars 

passing or rustling

leaves. I am numb,

but awake as I watch 

the butterflies zip by

like a jacket zipper 

I’ve no longer tried to hide behind – I’ve 

opened my heart 

& heard my thoughts echo,

God, why don’t I believe in me?

why don’t I believe You have good for 

me? Why does my heart ache over dreams 

that seem 

so empty? 

Why does the one thing I want seem

like a dream, almost 

a fantasy–a relationship that will 

require all of me? Why does sacrifice 

even look for two people with broken 

bodies with disabilities?

Why does my inside feel peace but still 

want a try?

But yet, I sit here and wait, I sit here & 

wonder if a friendship will last. If he 

means what he says. If you hear me, 

Lord. It one day, he’ll see you not as a 

religion, but a person with blood flow and 

tears and laughter to the overflow. 

You are not mad,

but extending so much mercy –

this is where my heart is in the midst 

of waiting and paperwork and friendships

holding 

my leaves to the sky.

They whisper, “you are growing. See? 

We’ll get through this. You’ll see. God 

has this. The future is bright for you. You 

sound so happy. Pray.”

And we bloom In 

unity. Slowly. Differently. 

Always connected 

at the root. 

Jesus. Sweetest 

mercy.