God, I don’t know
how to tell you how
lost I feel – inside
my chest, there is
a weight of grief
that finds my eyes
lately. I want to will the
tears forward. This cost
of leaving one place for
a trip back, it hurts leaving
the gift of a friendship I have
learned more about the power
of Your presence. I don’t want
to tell you how much it hurts because I’m so afraid it will mean I’m still the girl who
is desperate. I don’t feel like
that anymore. I feel quieter,
settled in prayer, telling you
I miss her and knowing you
are listening, you are near.
I want to say more of how
I miss sitting in her car, and feeling your presence near
And the way she went up the porch and called the cat Biggie smalls and we’d laugh and stay up late with candy and face masks. And now we’re distanced
by miles but I know our hearts are knit together as a furry sweater. I want to close the distance again in your way and time, but I miss sitting in Barnes and Noble and buying books, coffee and dreaming of the future or sitting in Starbucks working on books together and just getting to be there. So much
healing. I miss my best friend and here is where the tears start
coming, the ones begging to fall
on the floor into your invisible jar.
The ones I know if I let flow, they will taste of salt. Like the popcorn we got at so many movies, Lord. So many with slushies and chats about them after. What have I done today to make me feel proud today, Lord?
Say thank you over and over and
let you hold me close, to hear you say, I know.
(It’s been forever since I did a side note); I had to stop the timer with the one. I paused it in the middle, resumed, and I think it was going to let me write for 3 hours when I put 5 mins.
I’ve been participating in Nanowrimo (national novel writing month) for the first time ever this month. It is why I’ve been quiet here. It has been a struggle in a few different ways.
- Comparison – I’ve watched God bring so much encouragement to me in the midst of it.
- A billion distractions – and my struggle saying no, I need to do this for awhile. I’m writing this novel, peeps. The recommended videos on YouTube can be a serious rabbit hole..
- Fear of what will come out, if I can finish, having no real solid plan in the beginning, just a vague idea.
I want to go into this last week with hope I can finish strong no matter the word count I finish at. I want to keep writing this into the new year. I would like some serious prayer to keep going. It is a small burning fire that won’t leave.
Thank you for any prayers/encouragement.