11/23/18

//

Day 127

//

God,

there must be

value in the way 

You say. it is well

& I can count on You

to fulfill this desire 

when the time is right

But for now, I’m gonna

Listen sd You sing comfort

My heart. Hold me. Still.there

is a part of me that is thinking of

him–for you to move in & show

Who You are. I remember when

he said he loved me & if that any

Of true, I hope we can talk one day

soon, so I can tell him see

fmf: value.

Because God, I still want to have hope You roll away stones. You open eyes physically and spiritually. You give peace. And You know I’m a little crazy to myself, but I can’t let go. So I’m going to keep crying out & see what You do.

Advertisements

11/16/18

//

Day 126

//

Father.

I want to know 

You see me here—

How are You romancing 

My soul in this one day?

The fear is clouding up

My chest again—the little

Voice that is telling me I

Made a mistake—go back,

Unblock. Apologize for shutting 

Out because you are afraid of the dark—

Not the one that occurs when light is turned 

Off, but the one I cant fix, help with, Jesus, except

To pray again & again. 

 

fmf: one.

11/13/18

//

Day 125

//

Father,

I can’t see

What You are doing.

The sky is dark &

Rain is pouring,

But I will not say,

“go away.” because

I know this is blessing:

The eggs & beans, the

way Dad makes tea the only 

Way I will drink it—with lots

Of brown sugar & milk, The

Way I watch him make me 

InLaugh over songs on the radio

Like he did when I was young.

The way he gives me almonds

& cheese curds—the two bowls

Of chili & kit kat bars when I am

Least expecting them. It is somewhere 

Between watching the finale of the Great 

British Baking Show or that Match 74 game

Show that I think about him again, what he 

Said, about dad and I having a relationship

& I think, this is it. I feel You so deeply when

We sit together with olives & cheese & pickles

& watching a show I didn’t think Dad would like

Is where I find Your face, And this is what I wish

I could explain to this guy who keeps stealing

my thoughts—do you ever think about the 

Simplest gift we all miss?—it is not the food &

drink—but Jesus’ presence in every face?

In ever sip of that drink? In ever bite before

The swallow? In the silence of not saying

At all, but soaking up the relationships we are

Given at birth? Presence. It is everything. 

But mostly God, I wonder why he keeps

Coming to mind—snippets of conversations 

When I am still & immersed in something

Else. I wonder if he thinks of these 

talks we had—the way I opened myself

up, Jesus, in a way I never knew I could—

I am grateful for him even if all he did 

Was help me see I can be open & make me 

Grateful for what is front of me. I

Still want to talk to him about You

Because I’ve felt that inner fire burning;

The joy of Your love 

& the connection we had,

Sharing about the day,

but all I can see is a dead

end.

11/9/18

//

Day 124

//

Dear God,

Please lift the weight

In my chest—I cant miss him

Anymore. I don’t want to—the

Ache to all him how he is or

Share about going to see Lauren

Daigle—it will not come off the same

As telling a guy who wants to follow

You – and cares my heart in a way I’ve

Yet to experience. It is the waves of

Wondering – is there someone out there

Who wants to pursue me & not as a side

Thing? Will I at some point stop wanting

Him to come to You? The joy of Your love

Even when your heart is aching?  Will this

Get any easier? Why did marriage have to

Be a thing this year? Will You hold me

Close now & bring laughter again & again

Until this is distant & far from my memory?

It is hard, Lord, to sit in this darkness along 

With friends aching — each of us in a distant 

Circle—this hurts but it will get better—we tell

Each other over & over—God has this—can I

Have a listening ear? Will there be a joyful time

At one time where the confetti can explode &

The dancing Ive seen in my dreams will feel as

The best surrender?

I give You this burden

because You promise

You tenderly care for me

& You will lift up my head.

 

fmf: burden.

 

*written some with/without timer because I thought it started, but apparently not. This was a hard one to write, but I’m so thankful for the friends who are there to pick me up & speak truth when it is hard to take because my heart just aches. But there is music and laughter & prayer & a fun game called Red Flags I want to play forever & a Christmas concert: Lauren Daigle’s Behold Tour in December & a fun countdown app another friend showed me. So, no matter how much pain I feel right now, God’s got me under His wings. I’m holding on to that today.

10/14/18

//

Day 123

//

God,

What I can praise You 

for– the butterflies You place 

before my eyes that remind me 

to breathe & stay steady. Steadfast. Last

night the tears 

came ready to expose the lies 

– I am getting pushed away again when 

there is distance already. But then I fell 

You I don’t understand, I don’t know 

what to say, but I feel 

– You standing there, listening 

– and looking at me even if I 

– can’t see You. And then You 

– give me the courage to sing 

– & dance  

fmf: praise

10/6-7/18

//

Day 121-122

//

God,

Who I am to be

given love like this –

under these covers 

where my body freezes 

and heats from the flu,

You surround me with 

the dog next to me & 

melody & memories 

of a friend who saw Your

fruit growing in me long before 

this girl knew what she saw in me–the 

fruit of the spirit –inevitable when I 

spend with You under Your wings. I 

whisper 

every longing that hasn’t come

to be, or maybe one has and I’ve been too 

blind to see. 

Rescue me from the doubt 

subtly creeping into my mind:

You have forgotten me. You 

don’t hear me. My longing &

desire are too much for you. 

I want to tell him over & over, 

losing my religion-all those prayers I 

prayed when I was little, every last 

person, the ‘now I lay me to sleep prayer’ 

– the fear that Jesus was condemning me 

as I slept each night, doesn’t compare to 

turning my eyes upon Him &

feeling loved in stillness knowing even if 

He doesn’t answer as I expect, He has the 

best for me. 

As He does for you. Relationship means 

you can show your soul and know you 

are still loved. You can start over. You can 

believe the best. 

You can dream. And yes, I know 

I struggle with allowing myself to do this, 

to be loved, but You say I am, Jesus. I am 

welcomed 

to abide in this love. Because 

then the fruit grows. I remember when 

he said

I was inviting him into this 

relationship You and I share &

it made my heart swell. I yearn 

for him to see You and remember every 

talk we’ve had

or will have about You. I want 

You to be the center of our relationship, 

God. I want him 

to know Your peace, Your forgiveness, 

Your love. 

I want him to know You are 

still rolling stones of shame & loss & 

bring 

beauty out. You

make all things new – laughter 

from sorrow, goodbyes to hellos, rebel 

hearts to open,

ready to receive from You. 

Let fear not dictate to turn 

Your love away, You give 

everything lovely — this name

he called me one morning and 

then I heard it in a song describing who 

You are and then again in a verse You 

whispered to my heart gently, think 

about the things noble, true, lovely, 

praiseworthy, honorable. But I think how 

I hear/see You in his words/actions even 

if we are miles away. I know I say it a lot, 

but there is a longing and fire in my 

bones I can’t shake  – I yearn to see Your 

hand in this whole thing and I will keep

asking & listen to Your reassuring:

Look 

up, child, I’m making a way. 

You’ll see. 

This poem was inspired by life currently (as always) and Lauren Daigle’s album, Look Up, Child. I will never tire of getting moved by an artist’s music and writing with the song titles. It’s so much fun. ☺️ feeling God meet me there every time. 

10/5/18

//

Day 120

//

God, 

what can I share 

with You that’s on my heart 

You don’t already know –

my body aches, my eyes hurt 

as if I haven’t slept in weeks 

even though I went to sleep 

at 7 last night and woke up 

at 2 am wanting You. Staring 

into the darkness, feeling 

disoriented and lost. 

I want to sleep for hours

but fill my heart with noise, 

truth, silence. I want to go back 

up north and feel the autumn that can’t 

be found in 88 degrees. Or changing 

colors of leaves. Yellows. Reds. Oranges. 

God, my heart longs to know

what You are doing but still 

I am content. I am c(ontent to be still and 

wait for You. Come soon, won’t You?)
fmf: share.

(* where timer stopped.