I can’t get the woman
from the episode of call
the midwife out of my head.
The way she swayed back
& forth in that dress. The way
the guy looked at her as if she
was all he saw in the crowd of people.
That isn’t what fully gets me. It’s that
they both have disabilities, but it doesn’t
hinder their love. It only seems to deepen
it. The way they gave themselves to each
other – even though they weren’t
married & I’m not a fan of that –
even though they lost the baby,
even though they were separated, he still
went to such
(great lengths to show her she was cared
for by him, seen. With that sweater and
note that said something, but all I saw
was “love forever, Jacob” – they were in a
home, but it doesn’t hinder – and now, I
wonder if it stays or ends. How does it
endure that kind of distance? Why does it
get so deep into my heart that it twists
me up? Maybe because it’s
showing me what I’m going
through in my own life to a degree –
a guy who has come back in
my life unexpectedly & says he
has always seen me. And I’ve questioned
it, thought about it, said it. I never
thought you noticed me.
He says something like, oh believe me, I
& I’m quiet. So much so he
asks if I’m still there. God,
I’m not saying this will go anywhere, but
there is something. A kindness,
patience I’ve yet to understand
between us – I never expected
to have all these feelings come
up & out – these memories of
the past of another guy who
said similar words, but he’s
not the same: this guy has
a disability too, so there is
a level of understanding.
& even though we are miles
apart, I feel he sees my heart.
I can’t deny my feelings,
I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
But I want us to go slow, let
a friendship bloom & grow.
& if You move us into something new
let us have a try, I pray it brings
glory to You. Now & always.)
Sometimes God will speak to you through a tv show and then you have to write about it because it’s hitting close to your heart. A little too close. And then through a friend sharing a song. And then some more songs. Thank you, God for disarming every fear even as I’m confused. But you’re not confused. You know what You are doing. You are in control. You will guide all of this, whatever this is. You have this.
And thank You for the Call the Midwife. So so so good.