8/10/18

//

Day 111

//

God,

I can’t get the woman 

from the episode of call

the midwife out of my head. 

The way she swayed back 

& forth in that dress. The way 

the guy looked at her as if she 

was all he saw in the crowd of people. 

That isn’t what fully gets me. It’s that 

they both have disabilities, but it doesn’t 

hinder their love. It only seems to deepen 

it. The way they gave themselves to each 

other – even though they weren’t 

married & I’m not a fan of that – 

even though they lost the baby,

even though they were separated, he still 

went to such 

(great lengths to show her she was cared 

for by him, seen. With that sweater and 

that little 

note that said something, but all I saw 

was “love forever, Jacob” – they were in a 

home, but it doesn’t hinder – and now, I 

wonder if it stays or ends. How does it 

endure that kind of distance? Why does it 

get so deep into my heart that it twists 

me up? Maybe because it’s 

showing me what I’m going 

through in my own life to a degree –

a guy who has come back in 

my life unexpectedly & says he 

has always seen me. And I’ve questioned 

it, thought about it, said it. I never 

thought you noticed me. 

He says something like, oh believe me, I 

noticed you. 

& I’m quiet. So much so he

asks if I’m still there. God, 

I’m not saying this will go anywhere, but 

there is something. A kindness,

patience I’ve yet to understand 

between us – I never expected 

to have all these feelings come

up & out – these memories of 

the past of another guy who 

said similar words, but he’s 

not the same: this guy has 

a disability too, so there is

a level of understanding. 

& even though we are miles 

apart, I feel he sees my heart. 

I can’t deny my feelings, 

I couldn’t even if I wanted to. 

But I want us to go slow, let 

a friendship bloom & grow. 

& if You move us into something new 

where You 

let us have a try, I pray it brings 

glory to You. Now & always.) 

fmf: woman. 
Sometimes God will speak to you through a tv show and then you have to write about it because it’s hitting close to your heart. A little too close. And then through a friend sharing a song. And then some more songs. Thank you, God for disarming every fear even as I’m confused. But you’re not confused. You know what You are doing. You are in control. You will guide all of this, whatever this is. You have this. 

And thank You for the Call the Midwife. So so so good.

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8/5/18

//

Day 110

//

God,

On my anniversary,

I hope my husband 

Looks at me & says,

I’m glad I didn’t give up

On you, You’re stubborn,

But worth the wait  Worth 

All the time I spent trying

To get to know you & you

Pushed me back, saying

You couldn’t let me hear

Your voice yet. You couldn’t 

Bridge the distance between 

Text & awkward silence, but oh

How I waited. And now, your

Laughter meets my ears without

Relent & your tears bring a shiver

I wish not to quit. Because darling,

Your smile is what I strive to bring

Up  A flower in bloom brought by

The days of tarry until we’d meet

 

fmf: anniversary

7/30/18

//

Day 109

//

 God,

When I was thirteen,

did I want to be in love

as I do now? Where I want 

to let my guard down to a guy

and share my love for You &

watch us grow together. One

conversation, and then again. 

one hand held, one laugh, one 

cry until we bloom. Not that the 

silly butterflies where my inside 

keep my feelings cocooned &

nervousness takes flight only 

to die in the height of infatuation, but the

kind,

patience that takes hold, root. 

I don’t want to let hope die, Lord. Can 

You show me this guy if he is here to 

hold? To 

build up. I don’t understand 

anymore, Lord. Nothing makes 

sense and I’m lost with a somewhat

guard against 

my heart & a wonder if 

Anything is real. If anything 

within the past few days 

is You or an imitation of light. 

I’m duped so easy. But I didn’t 

seek this out, it found me. And 

left me in shock that I am seen. 

I am remembered. I am lost. 

I want a friendship to bloom. 

I am afraid. But also okay. Guide my 

heart. 

fmf: thirteen

7/20/18

//

Day 108

//

God,

I can’t get last weekend 

out of my head, my heart. 

The way she came inside 

& within 5 minutes we are 

laughing outside as a branch 

falls out of the tree – & we are 

in the car on the way to a mystery 

restraint – restaurant. 

The laughter & jokes are flying 

as the sun flys in my eyes, looking for a 

song. Or the way

she looked me dead in the eyes 

late the next morning or early &

says, I’m in this. I want to stare so long 

because I see You looking back at me – so 

kind,

gentle, sincere. Am I really that 

afraid of being left behind? Yes, 

but 

fmf: way

7/17/18

//

Day 107

//

God,

can I tell You 

this heaviness of heart 

wants to crush me? I’d like

to cry my eyes out so You 

can take all this salty & pour 

all this water in Your bottle

especially marked, Julia. I can’t 

bear this alone. I need You, Lord. I need a 

friend to let me fall apart. I’m sorry for 

trying 

to make something work that 

isn’t supposed to now or maybe not at all. 

Hold me closely because 

I wish I could turn off that I care.

If I sit here & sway to the music,

will You meet me? Take this burden & 

bear this load. It is 

too much & Your shoulders are

greater than my own. 

7/13/18

God, 

I want to be done 

with the dear fear,

the loss of control 

of what is to come now.

The fire inside my bones

grows & grows and I am 

pulled back to remember 

the wrong, what was said,

the anger, the sorrow of good

bye. What I don’t know is how 

to let be the past and open my 

hand to the embrace You spread for me – 

the dance in 

Your eyes oh, how it captivates

me, steadies me in this valley. 

Tell me, why do you love me?

How much do You love me? How do I 

chabg

fmf: done

I wanted to continue the poem with, how do I change Your heart to joy?, but I really like the new words 😂 last week was “surfender” & this week it’s “chabg.” 😂

7/6/18

Father,

I need a vacation 

From fear, judgement,

anger. Come in a little 

closer & whisper, I love you,

my youthful one. Let Me carry 

you close now, next to my beating heart. I 

cherish you more & more, even as the 

memories of what was take you over. 

How you wish you could start over. But 

my darling, there is better here & now as 

you sit here with that melody so close 

to your ear. I am right here, breathe Me 

in, Breathe Me out. 

My love will never plunder. I’ll stay here 

forever. I’ll always help you through 

surfender 

fmf: vacation 

*i love writing to the timer and leaving whatever comes out. You get words like surfender. 😂