Day 14



I have no excuse not to tell you how I feel. And honestly? Confused. Hurt. Mystified. These aren’t words that accurately describe it. I hate that I think I hurt her feelings with how I feel about marriage. I hurt with the way I view marriage. Like its not worth it. You are going to wind up hurting each other or divorced. And you know where that leaves your kids? Confused. Hurt. Starving. And bringing all that hurt into other relationships. And it’s not like I want to believe this. 

five minute Friday prompt: excuse 

previous letter from Letters From A Tender Haired Girl found here




Day 13



I love how that was timed. You knew I was going to look at that and have the memory of not knowing my place, leaving school and feeling like a failure all over again. It’s true though. I do. I have no drive or passion but to go one on one with people, as in friendship but not something I want to work toward to give me some money. It would be nice to be able to read again without becoming totally bored. I’m not with Your Word, but it took me forever the other day to finish a chapter of The Book Thief. I hope that doesn’t happen with The Shack. Please help me. 

And then I read this in the plan about Your favor: “The Spirit Himself testifies and confirms together with our spirit [assuring us] that we [believers] are children of God.”

‭‭ROMANS‬ ‭8:16‬ ‭AMP‬‬

And all I see in my head is You placing Your hand on my shoulder, telling me You love me. Or maybe it’s just the hand. And then in the next verse it says how I’m co heirs with You and if I suffer, I will also share in Your glory. I get it with the suffering. I do. It helps me see You in ways I wouldn’t be able to if things were all hunky dory. Really there is a better phrase other than ‘hunky dory’ but it’s what came to me.  

But I wouldn’t mind some days of hunky dory or for me to be excited. Which I am about reading The Shack with Kallayah and getting cupcakes when I finish reading all of Your Word at the end of the year. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m so focused and pumped on finishing it. But I am. Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t really hitting it for me this year. Then again, holidays always seem to be a bit harder every year. But you’ve put some awesome friends in my life that remind me of Your presence and the atmosphere of the family changes a little on the day. 

God, I just want to see this, to know it: When you know you are loved, and you know who you call family, and you know your name is Daughter, Beloved, Chosen One, you can rest, and you can live, and you can be free.  

This from the loop devotional. I need help knowing I am loved. Please please please. And resting in it. I know I’ve seen glimpses but I need more. And it’s hard right now. I feel like a crazy emotional person who can’t give as much as she’d like to, who really wants to rest. Sleep. And then wake up, I wonder what God has for me today! But that last part isn’t me. Because if we are going to be honest, I wake up like, ugh what? Need to get dressed. God, pants. Shoes. Okay. I’m going to sit here and stare into space. 

And then I come up here, sit at the table and work through oatmeal and tea. And look at stuff. And then start thinking, wonder if Sarah will bring coffee? She has been awesome and so kind with the randomly (You are never random) bringing me coffee. And it makes me think of one of my soul sisters-Hollie. Pretty much every time. And we know what I’m getting Sarah for Christmas now. But honestly, that and wanting a friend to just text me. Or come over and just sit with me. But I think I’d be delirious either way. 

And yes I know so much wanting and mememe. But I love that You are okay with it. I only have enough space for some people right now and even that is a challenge. And maybe it’s not so much about me but to experience with these friends. One who is right now floating in my memory. 

You know, when I said sometime in the car to, savor the Saviour. Yep. I don’t remember exactly why I said it. I’m pretty sure I smiled though. I think I thought it was funny, how it came out of nowhere. Or You. It’s been rolling around in my head though. How this year has been a deep savoring. Or complaining. Or fear. But I want to savor Your love. So,

Thank you for no spider dreams. Thank you for the oatmeal. And the pears. And the chai tea. And the sun. And the devotional that made think of some friends. And getting to the book of Galatians. And my moo who let me complain this morning. And this jacket. 

I need you. 


your tender haired girl 

previous letter for Letter From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 

And to know more about Loop, click here. (It’s really good stuff.)



Day 12



I don’t want to sing right now. If I don’t though, my soul will sink. My heart. It is cold in this kitchen. This hat makes me think I’m in the Arctic (I’ve been spelling/saying that wrong all along I think.), but I don’t want to be cold. Or make my ear hurt. I feel pressure in both now. 

I’d really like to sleep and not worry something will go wrong if I’m not awake. Like the dogs will go nuts. And then I’ll wake up. I’d like to stop dreaming of spiders, too. Looking up the meaning of them I can’t even get past the picture before jumping like it’s in front of me. And then seeing that they mean manipulation – God, I’m sorry if I am doing that anyone. Really, the amount of fear it put in my heart freaks me out. Because you know I want things but honestly I just want to be still with You for a while. And sleep. And if I’m being manipulated at all, we both know I never know or I’m being kind. Or trying to be which most likely means I’m trying to please. Never goes well. Ever. 

I don’t have energy for people. I mean, I do for the one relationship I feel peace. And honestly, I think You’re giving me the energy for it. But everything else feels off. Makes me tired, wears me out. I’m weary, God. And I want to tell another friend how I am, but I think about what I could type or call and say – which could be a whole lot of rambling – but I’d like to ask if she’d come sit with me. I feel so much peace in writing that even though I know that unless you did a miracle, it can’t be today. 

Thank you for the quiet and doing the dishes with Nolan. And this jacket with fur inside. And the water. And this hat. And the slippers. And mom checking on me. And the dogs being good. And a conversation with Raechel. And the show Speechless. Thank you there’s a show where an actor who actually has a disability plays the person with the disability. And for the way the cast is so patient with him. Helps me see You. I love how the mom of the show is so focused on listening and making sure he is heard. Ugh. They all are but You know how I am with the moms. And reminding me I can expect good things because I’m precious to You. 

Please help me see Your favor today. I don’t know why it’s so fascinating since the verse I showed You yesterday, but I will not leave me so here’s me asking again. Thank You. 


your tender haired girl. 

Ps. And thank You for the skit guys thanksgiving goodness video. So good.


previous letter from Letter From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 



Day 11



Can we talk about this verse for a minute?

And God is able to make all grace [every favor and earthly blessing] come in abundance to you, so that you may always [under all circumstances, regardless of the need] have complete sufficiency in everything [being completely self-sufficient in Him], and have an abundance for every good work and act of charity. (‭2 CORINTHIANS‬ ‭9‬:‭8‬ AMP)

You know what I’m stuck on? What is in the brackets after “every grace”. [Every favor and earthly blessing.] It is like a hush and something whispered in my ear: hey, you know God is able to bring every favor and earthly blessing come to you. I mean, I’ve read this verse before in other versions and have always been stuck on: abounding in every good work. Not exactly what You can give me. And yes, even thinking about it now holds some kind mystery. Because I want things. Like it would be awesome if Sarah texted randomly (I know it was You) asking if I would like Starbucks again. Just the being asked does something to my insides. You see me. It’s always when I feel like crap — where You seem to surprise me most, where my heart remembers again You see. Me. 

I know this verse isn’t talking about what You give me because I know what You give goes beyond just me. But I’m so stuck on the favor. And the earthly blessing and what that means or how to even see Your favor. Would you show me these today. Please. Is it like yesterday when I bought books for me and Kallayah, even though money is tight, but I still want her to know she is loved? And that I see her and want to read through The Shack together as we wait for you to give us the go for meeting each other? 

Because I think I take Your favor to mean sometimes that someone will give to me. Or that You will honor me somehow. Make me smile. I don’t know why I think of You pointing a finger, that’s my girl and I’m going to love her today. And I think Your love lately is time to rest, and pour into as I’m being poured into, too. You’ve given me time, God. Time I don’t think I would’ve had if I would’ve kept going a few years ago pretending I was fine. 

I did really well with that. Pushing away friendship for a degree that was being pursued more out of fear than to better myself. I ran away, but You’ve refused to leave me.

When death came so suddenly before Christmas and I knew nothing but crying. And just feeling lost. Confused. Aching. But you deepened Megan and my friendship. She brought laughter at random times when I didn’t think it was possible. And listening ears. And cake pops. And hugs. And book recommendation. And prayer. The days I listened to Sara Groves on repeat, feeling You just surround me. 

And then at the end of 2015 and sorrow over wacky hormones and blood. So much blood. And crying. And why is this happening. And Gwen, who sat there with me for a week, just her presence alone makes me relax (I know you know this) and let me drink tea and vent and cry. About a myriad of things. And read parts of a book to me. I felt small in the best way. Like Your child, wrapped in love. And how she played Come Be Who You Are by Sara Groves one day and by the end of the week, we were singing on a bench together. 

And then last year, the idea of getting a hysterectomy (really this year too.) terrified me. The loss of not being able to have kids and just yearning to spend time with You was overwhelming. To be able to read and talk to friends. And just the loss of energy, not really wanting to do anything. Oh wait, I think I colored still. 

And this year, the hysterectomy had to become a real thing. And the fear and the worry surrounded my heart. What will happen? What if I die? But the doctor’s eyes held so much compassion. I never thought I’d like staying in a hospital because a nurse went out of her way to feed me jello and talk about her life to me. Just being with me and allowing me to be. 

I don’t know how to tell you that in all of these memories, Your favor was with me and blessings too. I just wish I was more present in the moment, instead of looking back, oh, that was you. Help me. Be present to You. 


Your tender haired girl. 

Ps. This ear infection really will help me be still. And hear You. To know You are God. And you know my heart. Intimacy or group. One on one or group. God, You know I’m leaning toward intimacy more. I think that’s what I’m going to do. Fear of missing out shall not plague. I’m not missing out when I’m doing something with you. 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl. <—-previous letter here. 



Day 10



What can I tell You that don’t already know? A day and a half with him reminds me moment by moment: it’s okay to go slow. It’s okay to be still. It’s okay to drift off to sleep for awhile. 

It’s the way he calls me lady plush while I’m walking to the fire that I hear You: I see you. Or when he tells me he sees her covered dish and I don’t know what to say. But I stare at it for awhile, empty. I miss her too. Much more than I can understand sometimes. Sharing the silence is best. I know You were there too. Because I don’t always have to articulate the pain but sit with. 

I watch him butter the bread. 2 slices. Patiently. Meticulously. And place it in my hand. Warm. Just like I’ve been asking for months now. You’re funny, you know? 

I love you. I love my grandpa. The hugs from them all. There’s more I want to tell you. But for now, thank you. For turning me toward you. Your love. Always. 

I don’t know how you do it. But thank you for being who you say you are: faithful.  


your tender haired girl 
Ps. Thank you for reminding I’m your child. 

Letters From A Tender Girl. <— previous letter found here.  Missed a day but it’s okay. Okay, it frustrates me a tad but I missed a day in the beginning. So need to go easy on me. It isn’t a competion, but a drawing closer to Jesus. A noticing of his presence. His love. Reminders for my soul. He sees. He cares. He loves. He cherishes.  He loves a share a meal. 



Day 9



It is silence from You while I’m sitting here sobbing that may be the biggest gift today. The fact that You are listening to me as I listen to the melody that is moving me to listen. I’m tired. And here come the tears again. I’m tired of these tears that come when I least expect them – the hurt I feel for my family. I’m broken. How do you look on this and not want to get angry? But you are the God of mercy. The division is too — much for me. The hostility. 
Come, Lord. With your love & comfort for me. Now, I just want to sleep. 


your tender haired girl 

Ps. Thank you for being near my broken heart and the space to cry. I wish I could feel your arms. 


Fmf prompt: silence. — is where the timer stopped. 

Part of Nanowrimo project: Letters From A Tender Haired Girl. (Previous letter found here with previous letters at bottom of post. 



Day 8



I’m feeling this peace today that transcends what makes sense. It’s like hostile territory around me and maybe a little inside – but there You go bringing laughter again. And telling me You are for me. Thank you. For singing to me. Over and over again. 

Like this song now, where I’m hearing You say You are not lying about doing more than I ask or imagine. And just because I can’t see right now doesn’t mean You aren’t satisfying me right now, right here. Today. You’ve let me spend time talking to — or ughhh, please. Lord. — You. And listening to lots of Voxes and voxing back. It’s like boxing my depression to find the light of Your love. I can’t help but to start believing maybe You like to laugh than when I saw heart of mercy picture in my grandma’s house.  

The sorrow. I’d look at it and always think You were sorry. And that’s what I believed since I came to know You. You are either angry. Or sad. The joy is so hard getting older because of the fear it’ll just fall apart. It won’t really happen. There’s too much pain inside my heart. So much aching and wondering if it’s okay to be a child again. 

Is it? Is it okay that I want to read a book with a friend and have a dance party and eat all the chocolate? And forget the world? Is it okay that I keep begging for love love love to be poured out again and again on my friends and my family, myself who are hurting? Is it okay to say that this waiting is anticipatory happines and frustrating? 

And can we talk about beckah shae’s music for a minute? Totally catchy and makes me want to sing right now and dance. I can sing and write. But it’s slow. It’s well. You make all things new. 

Again with a song with the promise you gave me in March. 

You can do infinitely more than I ask or think. Ughh, God. I don’t get it just like I didn’t get it. But pleasee Lord bless beckah shae’s music too because ughh so good. I seriously want to break it down right here for you. Oooh yeah, the Hephzibah song! You delight in me. No longer forsaken. 

So you really see me as a delight? Let me see. My head knows, but we know my heart is slow. So very slow at opening and registering this delight You have for me. 

I’m always hopeful

The Son will shine forth, and bring that rainbow.. Thank you for Beckah Shae. So catchy. Ughh. 

Yeah, see Ya soon. Yah. YWH. 

Show me what You see when You look at me.  

Thank you for giving me hope. Being my hope. 

your tender haired girl. 

Ps. Bring on the shiny. Or the beats. It’s like coffee. For the soul. 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl.

Lyrics/titles found in this letter here. And here

Here. And here. And one more.  

And an extra one for good measure and goodness. New fave right now 🙋