1/22-23/18

.//

Day 56-57

//

God,

Here is my grateful list for today:
1. Shrek the musical recommendation from Teri
2. Dad calling me, Twink before leaving (makes me feel like I shine even if I don’t feel right now)
3. Fighting Words by Ellie Holcomb (reminds me of when Megan texted before the hysterectomy last year: Use your fighting words, Jewelia. Made me smile and calm come to my heart.)
4. Prayer. Praying for friends and family and just talking to You helps me take off of me.
5. Unexpected free box of snacks coming next week thanks to Sarah. Her wanting me to try it even though I know she’s not feeling well was the kindest thing. Threw me off. Most of Your surprises do. Let there be chocolate please.
6. Mom making peanut butter/banana sandwich for breakfast/tomoato soup, grilled cheese and that really good salad. I love the way she loves, God.
7. Beckah Shae. I know I’ve told you a lot but the way she takes really popular songs and turns them into songs about You. Ugh, so good. Seriously if she turns all these covers into an album, I’ll be breaking it down for You on constant repeat
8. Like I will most likely do for Kelly today. Maybe. Thank You for her friendship – the way she brings out more of the me that’s been hiding. By the way she listens and prays and loves by giving her time and presence, It helps me see Your face- the joy, Lord. It captivates me. Help us enjoy each other and the time You give us today.

Help us to love deeply. To give and receive the love, encouragement You so freely give away. Help us to savor the laughter, make room for the tears that water the flower that can grow even from the bitter. You make us better – two is better than one and and a threefold strand isn’t easily broken. You gold us together. You make us better. I can’t stop repeating it right now. Let be true. Amen.

Love
Your tender haired girl

PS. Thank You for everything. For today. For music, an a song that still gets to me.

previous letter.

 

 

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1/20/18

//

Day 55

//

Father,

In the midst 

of the cat puke

(really, so gross.)

& the flu coming 

steady, slow, You

bring the setting sun 

through the living room

window. I sit there & marvel

at something so quietly blinding. For a 

moment,

I let go. Frustration. Sorrow. 

They surrender as my heart 

to the glow. Darkness, no matter how 

small can’t comprehend You. Your love 

can not be controlled, matched, 

yet here I lay waiting again for You. Still 

me. Hush me with Your light speaking a 

silence 

our world demands be audible. 

Love,

your tender haired girl 
Ps. I love You. 

Previous letter. 

1/19/18

//

Day 54

//

Father,

You are intentional 

in the ways You answer

my prayers – I can ask 

again & again if I can have 

time with a friend & feel nothing 

in the asking, in the waiting. In the 

morning when the sun has yet come up, I 

sit in the dark and scribble out Your word. 

I don’t know how my imprisoned 

state could make another believer speak 

Your love loud. 

Or that the way I live turns someone away 

from desires (that bring upon regret). 

Could You settle down within me

now & wait patiently to experience 

how You feel like home? You are home. 

Love, 

Your tender haired girl 

Fmf: intentional // timer stopped at “desires”

Previous letter. 

1/17-18/18

//

Day 52-53

//

Father,

It is the simple

joy of a Monterey Jack 

grilled cheese sandwich

cut into triangles  

& extra tomato soup with 

a pickle that make me want  

to say thank you. Thank You

for the beginning again with a

friend even as I am still afraid 

& it is slow. It makes me have 

to lean on You – trust You. Thank You for 

the prayers from friends – heys, how are 

yous & cinnamon roll pics – the time with 

mom, watching a documentary about 

Chicago – making me want to have maybe 

3 friends who know me well after 40 

some years. Who have 

walked though mundane, grief & joyful 

overflow. Who’s hugs feel like home & 

laughter fills my soul. Please, Lord. Let it 

be so. – thank You for the snow. And the 

way the sun danced on the floor as it was 

going down.  

& this quiet now. For holding my fear and 

helping me rest in You. 

Love, 

Your tender haired girl. 

Ps. I’d like some joy tomorrow (or actually since it is tomorrow), too. Please. Thank you. 

Previous letter.

1/16/18 

//

Day 51

//

God, 

Do you know 

what a gift it was 

to sing with the dog

sitting by my side?

He sat there and listened 

about how You won’t let me

go & like a skin You are shedding the dry, 

cracked pieces that do not bring life. 

The pride, the bitterness, the 

the jealousy. I need not, want not. 

I laughed to myself, the 

way the happiness lifted me 

just sitting with him for however long 

until he laid on my lap in surrender. 

It was beautiful even 

though the day was grey.

Thank You for knowing me

and seeing me today in all 

of the quiet and gentle and unsureness of 

this day. The little sparks, laughter, 10-4 

good buddies. Thank You for the way You 

love me. 

love,

Your tender haired girl 

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1/15/18

//

Day 50

//

Father, 

You have searched me

& found I love giving from 

a heart becoming full (never

let me get my fill-let me always 

hunger) of You. Pride and bitterness want 

me to exclaim,

I’m fine. I don’t need you. 

That is why I laughed when 

she wrapped her arms around me

in a long hug before she left. 

I could feel the I’m sorry. The

gentle strength pleading, forgive me.

 You can rest and cry. 

It broke some of my defense, some of my 

numbness away. But I didn’t break fully. I 

didn’t cry. I laughed the nervousness

away. I couldn’t let her into the 

brokenness – the pain of loving her. How 

I never gave (or want to give up) on her. 

How I long to live in unity – with/for, 

never at, against her. How I keep giving 

and giving little pieces of encouragement, 

my heart, memories & in that moment, 

Lord, nothing else matters. 

In the moments after, still I linger. 

And then I wonder as I do now:

Why do I want nothing back?

Why does my heart feel so content, 

compelled to keep loving even if the 

response is small or nothing at all? Why

does it leave me aching at a 

response or nothing, like it was 

a dismissal of my heart? Why do I want to 

see if you can restore trust? I know what 

You say, a friend loves at all times. 

You work all things for good. 

Show me, Lord. Bring my heart 

awake to the pain that is still hiding & 

give it a burial place. Show me Your 

redeeming grace. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I don’t want revenge – but more presence & laughter. A safe place to cry. 

Previous letter.

1/14/18

//

Day 49

//

God,

You have searched me –

why do I think this is like 

I’m on the run & You are 

trying to capture me, punish 

me? Why do I still believe You

want to condemn me when You 

love me? I sit here, okay lay here, and 

wonder how well 

You know me. The way the cat

comes up besides with an almost demand 

to be held as the voices around grow loud 

– my heart is quiet and weary. 

How the courage came earlier 

to finally call her on the phone 

again. And my mostly speechlessness-

listening to her voice carry me before You 

to whisper the bloom of love awake. As if 

it were May. 

Okay, I made it more poetic, 

but I know I couldn’t speak 

when she asked if I fell asleep. 

How can I fall asleep when I felt 

wrapped in love over a phone line? I know 

the angels take the words and bring them 

before You, like a candle. The sweetest 

candle – maybe a bit like the joy & 

laughter candle sitting on the dresser. 

God, I don’t know how

to tell You thank you, for helping me 

listen & ask & linger with this friend. 

Even though it’s taken years and the 

distance makes me say, I wish we could 

sit on the floor again. Or, a song will put 

me back in a memory and I miss her 

again. But You were with me in the 

moments before I called & made the time 

still. You stilled me in silence and her 

laughter & the dreams yet to be fulfilled. 

Tonight, I remember all over how every 

good and perfect gift comes from You, my 

Father, who weaves friendship better than 

I could ask or know. 
love,

your tender haired girl 

Ps. She better hope I don’t learn how to write a more put together song because the majority of that will go:

I found you in the lone star state 

with dreams and fears

with a heartbeat similar to my own. 

Do you see me? 

Do you know the skies are big, but I need a friend, a smile to remind me I’m not alone? 

The sky isn’t always the limit, but the words God gives make me feel as though I can fly.

The miles I flew to see your face found me staring into grace, a whisper of belonging, of place. 

–what a song that is, God. Good thing You and her don’t mind the many poems, lol. L O L. Now I just want to hear that song and remember the late night talk and laughter. Mostly the laughter because slap happy and chocolate are the best.  And very good company. Ugh, I miss it. Her.  

Previous letter here