rather have me wait for you

The week starts with a breakdown 

of my body & an ache

in my soul as my body 

heats & chill &. goes 

back to normal. I fall

Asleep on his word-

I’ve done this to break 

your pride, your trying

trying trying. Impatience.

Abba, why this test to sit

still & wait & see when I want

to run & do. I can’t. I can’t. So,

I cry because I know this is best, to pour 

over your word,

for you’d 

fmf: test.

I love how this is so spot on this week. Surprised it’s coherent. This week has been whoa. So many trying days filled with anger at myself and aches in my body and a tiredness that makes me feel I could sleep for days. I’m grateful Jesus has given me so much time with him because there’s no one else I’d rather explode to than others (which I’m pretty sure I have, but the kindness shown to me has helped me see Jesus is watching me). So many days this week, I’ve drifted to sleep at the table while the cat randomly nuzzles my head. Or when I am awake(ish) grabs my hand with paws and holds it with one to her face. And no matter how much I want to get mad or frustrated that I can’t read my bible or take notes on a book, I can’t because too precious she is.


You can’t get mad at this. Fierce love. Her eyes say it all. 

I may or not share way too many pictures of this kitty, but too presh not to. God, thank you for Juno, who seems to be always close beside me when I can’t hold myself up, when I can’t see where I am going and when I feel most alone. She plops herself down and tries to knead me or rest in my lap or in my journal or bible. She shows me so much about you. How you want to be with me in whatever mood I’m in, even though sometimes I don’t want You there. You come anyway. You look at me, hold my hand, and whisper, I love you this way. And no matter how I want to change my sorrow and anger toward my unhurry, you understand and won’t leave me. Please keep showing me this and you still delight in me. In Jesus name amen.

To delight in God.

Being apart of the launch team, I’ve had the opportunity to read this book early… but I’m not even to the 20th story yet.

Breathing Eden is a collection of 40 stories/prayers of 40 fictional women who are desperately seeking God, and God’s responses. The stories touch on depression, marriage, healing, desire, etc.

I never expected to connect with almost every woman so far and have God’s responses back personally touch me. Some of my favorite quotes from God and as part of a prayer from a story, inspired me to make graphics that helped me see God in a tangible way.

I love how after each story, there is a space to write a prayer in response to God, questions to go deeper, a trust exercise, and prayer. This book is not one you can rush through, but one I’ve found you can need to take day by day and let God delight in you.


Watch as you delight in him more, too. If you subscribe to Loop devotionals, this will be like having them everyday until you finish the book!

om home?

You collect my tears in

a bottle. Maybe it’s green,

as the jealousy You have for

me. I wonder today, if You put

some of Your own tears in this

bottle to overflow, so that I may 

know how wide You love me. Abba, You 

are on my side, this 

I know. & my enemies will run 

when I call to You for help, but I 

do not know what to say anymore except, whee did I go?

where have all my dreams flown & why do I feel so far away fr

fmf: collect.

So this week, a book was published with stories from five minute friday. This has been a tough thing for me. Because when I joined the community, I wasn’t really looking to write more. Circumstances were so rough and I was confused and hurting. But a friend was like, here, you should try this. (May not have been exact words but eh it’s okay.) I’ve watched it carry me from a move, to my grandma passing away, to another move, and a move back over the summer. And maybe the shock is that I’ve stayed with it for almost two years now, or the community really feels like family, or the fact that seeing my name as Julia Sparrows here instead of my real last name when I published my own book shortly after joining fmf, was the most hilarious thing. Like a gift from God, who must really like to laugh, watch me laugh, and knows that this is so much sweeter among people than on my own.

This community has taught me the power of encouragement & love. I hope you see that if you check the book out. 🙂

Abba?

Five minutes 

is all takes for me

to look out the window

& see a butterfly pass 

by to the left — another

flies to the right. It’s an 

an invisible X marks the spot,

I am the seal upon Your heart.

The one You are jealous, whom

brings You delight–do I really,

fmf: five.

I originally wanted to write this about how it takes five minutes to sing to God. I changed it because writing to music means sometimes losing yourself in a song.. 

I love how if I stare out the window here at the table long enough butterflies will fly by, or do nose dives. Yesterday, one was flying really close to the window and stopped in the middle for a few seconds. Like it was looking at me, waving, “Julia! How are you doing?” And keeps going..

It is momentary delights that keep me hanging on during a week of temptation and a question to give up my dreams. Dreams that are still there but the motivation isn’t right. It is weird when you find yourself crying over a friend going after something you want, and all you want to do is rejoice but jealousy  has reared it’s ugly head. I hate with every fiber of my being, this jealousy. It convinces me there is not enough and there will never be so don’t you even try. But the beauty is this friend continues to encourage you on the path God clearly has you AND still asks for your help with her dreams.

And you sit there: God, I want to REALLY rejoice, not be all woe is me. And I still want to help. God, why does dying to self have to hurt so much? 

What is happening with my dreams?

And what is with the word ‘delight’ coming up everywhere?

And with all the random that are my thoughts, the word has been consistent either a bit before or after I read this in Breathing Eden by Jennifer J Camp. This book is so healing and there is no way I’ll be done by the release, Oct. 4th. But there is a depth in bein able to connect with 40 fictional women and have God’s responses somehow speak to you in some way every time, that is just wow. I feel this intimacy with God and just being able to let lose with a prayer at the end of every story. It’s so good.

This concludes my rambles for today.

I must wait, still

Listen, child.

I love you: the

way you laugh at

the cat as she gives 

a look – why are you

singing about dreams

this early? The way you

don’t know what’s happening,

But keep crying, father, where 

Are You? I need You? This hurts, this 

waiting with a pain

in my soul? I’m so prideful, selfish, want 

want want these 

desires fulfilled. 
fmf: listen.

Dear God, I am tired. I think it’s a little beyond that honestly. My prayers are random tears and anger and sadness. And last night the fear of the dark kept me awake until 3 in the morning. I feel like I’m being tortured inside. You made a mistake, Julia. You’re doomed. SHAME. I sit and wait for a pointed finger. There’s shadows light up the room with the nightlight. I try to cover myself up some more. Tell myself there’s no reason to be afraid. Close my eyes. Jolt up at every noise. You must have calmed me down after I turned off the music the second time. And now I sit with Your words before me. You keep track of all my tears. My enemies retreat when I call to You. This I know: God is on my side. Your faithful love endures forever. And I could keep going, but just got distracted AGAIN. Thank you for giving me love regardless of how I’ve been. Pumpkin muffins. A chocolate bar. Time to just talk to You. One of the skit guys liking a photo from years ago when there’s no way he’d be able to find it without You. There’s not an appropriate hashtag. How could I not trust You? How can I constantly turn my back and say: I still don’t trust You. You’re going to hurt me or tell me I need to achieve like I constantly hear in my head. And You give me this or I give you this, then there’ll be love. But all I keep hearing is, Come as you are. Okay. I’m here. I have nothing more than this broken heart and a mind that isn’t sure. I’m going to sit here and sing. Please show me there is more. In Jesus name, amen.

to save me?

When I am afraid
I will not heal though

I’ve read Your Word,

are You still holding my hand?

“Do not be afraid, I am here to help you.”

& I watch myself speak 

the words of pain that have 

Soaked my years before; rain

I could never myself dry myself from. 

Were You watching me sob into the couch 

wanting to love without fearing 

punishment was close?

When everything was dark,

were You readying yourself 

fmf: heal

I wrote today’s poem to music. I find it hilarious how Jesus still meets me in the noise because I can’t handle the quiet. Waiting is hard. Like super duper hard. To love where you are while waiting for new things to take place. Watching yellow butterflies fly on by and laughing because hello guidance & hope! and they are so pretty. Answers that still haven’t come and hearing your thoughts: oh, Jesus I hope you’ll come through! I’m afraid you won’t. What if I’m put to shame? I feel crazy. Is anything too hard for you? Show me which way..now, I have to trust you. Send me word of your unfailing love. The butterflies again! What is with them?!

It’s like he’s whispering, healing is here! but my brain is all, look at what you’ve done! taking risks and hoping Jesus comes through..do you see how big of a mountain that is?

Yes, I do but the mustard seed of faith I have is persistent. Jesus is FOR me and He LOVES ME, so I say, LORD break through because that is love and I long to love you as I let you love me.

what do I do?

This path, LORD,

has been full of fog.

Only enough moment 

for one step at a time.

& oh, how I want to run!

I want to do all the things, speak the 

many words that 

my heart has hiding from the 

world, & You. LORD, how You’ve

asked me to sit with You, & I turn back 

into a little girl: Abba,

I’m afraid of this unfailing love.

Daddy

fmf: path.

This morning I’ve been coloring this: 


when the basement door opens and a cold wind (may have been the air conditioner) comes toward me. But I’m more interested in the open door. 

Jesus, are you opening a door?! and I laugh to myself because I don’t understand this path but I do know I feel a sweet closeness. From the way I’ve been getting up early and wanting to read His Word. Or these opportunities He has opened to me. I don’t know if it’s because of my constant begging, my fear, but I’m pretty sure it’s His unfailing love. And maybe this invitation.


Yes, LORD, show me how I love making graphics for books You let me help launch. And go outside my comfort zone in my writing & a new place I’ve never been before. It feels too much like a dream and my trust is, okay. You sure, God? What if I’m second guessing this? You sure I’m not being pushy, because I can very pushy. Actually, impatient. Very impatient. But I want to see You restore all the locusts have eaten. To do more than I’ve asked or thought according to Your power working in me. How there is no condemnation for me who is in You. How since You didn’t spare Jesus, Your beloved Son for me, You graciously give me all things. Those that are best for me. Because You want to, not because You feel You have to.

O LORD,

satisfy me with Your unfailing love,

give me courage to accept this love –

let me embrace Your goodness & mercy.

& may I find myself safe in Your arms.

use you’ll turn in two 

as I write my past, I see all the ways 

You’ve been loyal–

saving me from a boy

I couldn’t let go of until

the day I found the courage 

to say no, giving me friends 

who have looked at my eyes 

full of fear & said, it’s okay, I still

love you. Or wrote in the miles that 

separate us. But here, lord,

there is fear that I can’t share the breaks 

that lead to this place, beca 
fmf: loyal.

God is loyal. Loyal to love when you don’t know. Loyal when you are in a state of shock. Loyal to love you when are so tired but somehow keep finding words to say.

And today those words are, thank you.

from all over the globe

For over a year & some 

I have jumped. Into the 

opportunity to be a part 

of something bigger than me–

the emotions of pure joy & panic have 

volleyed for my heart. & there i would 

find

myself reaching beyond my own ability to 

accomplish what 

I set out to do – launch another’s words 

out into the world, with new friends 

linking arms as we became a team, full

of love 

fmf: team.

Today, I saw this prompt and became somewhat panicked. I quietly thought to myself that God is trying to tell me something. This poem is about the joy & and frustration (that I put on myself..) I’ve had in being apart of launch teams for author’s books. For the last year and some, I’ve had the privilege of helping them get their words out in the world and make some beautiful friends along the way.

I never even knew book launch teams was a real thing until my lovely friend, Trisha had signed up for one, told me about it and thought to myself, God, I want to do that! (I was a little afraid and whiny, as in I never thought He’d let me..) Clearly, He knows my heart because He keeps bringing opportunities. I’ve not understood this, only that there’s a joy & excitement each new one. And I always think, yayy! I get to read another book! But it slowly turns to me sharing my heart and making friends. And trying to figure out how I will summarize a book in a way that someone might be interested in. 

Here’s where I try to explain the fear in my heart. Yesterday, my bestie for the restie (my phone corrected that to rescue 😂), put a thought into my head: what about a book launching specialist? And all these thoughts come flooding: what? Does that mean I have to gather a team and be a leader? I don’t know how to lead. And what do I just read an author’s book and come up with a plan and like those forms you fill out to get people to join? And God why does this make me so excited but my chest is all: panic!!

And in between saying all this to God, finding things for my resumé for Megan (because she is awesome and making things a little more professional for me since I have no idea what I’m doing.) and fixing a new page under Publications, of the books I’ve helped launched so far (Megan made this too. Seriously. She needs a cake pop for all this work.) this verse popped in my head:

Romans 8:32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 

I read in a commentary that God gave Jesus freely. Without hesitation. Without money. Because He wanted to bless us. 

And then I have to think, because this goes way over my head, like I can’t wrap my mind around it, He will give me everything I need to do this? I don’t have to push and try to do it in my own strength?

Oh, to rest in this.

I need serious prayers. I want to do this so much. I feel like God is confirming this since my mom told me I should try it in March. 

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him. Ps. 91:15

Help, Lord.

a flower’s declaration 

I want to be free,

says the little magnolia 

hanging from the tree.

Won’t someone pick me?

Hold me & say I am pretty?

I’ve been here in the valley 

for so long. The people look 

at me momentarily & walk away. Am I 

only to be brushed

by the wind, wilted by the sun, drenched 

by the rain? 
But in this despair, my petals 

reach out to the sky: I am grateful for

Your love, the water to drink, the heat 

warming, the whisper of Your love on the 

breeze; how You are unfailing.

My God, the only hope I’ve got, ever had 

to bloom was Your faithfulness alone.

You make the broken beautiful –  

how some think they’re halved to stay. A 

seed never to grow in 

the valley where no one wants 

to go. Here where clouds cover or sun 

beats unbearable, but I know. 

Slow. Patient. Intentional.
Don’t forget His love.

He who tends, watches 

over, sings His night song

to cast out all the fear making 

my leaves tremble.

May the words I speak 

make You smile, Lord.

May my heartbeats bring

You closer to remind me

I can’t, never will outrun 

Your love.

Last night, I wrote this while listening to Ellie Holcomb. I don’t know how it happened, but when i heard, Magnolia, I started hearing words of a story in my head. Words that sounded like they where coming from the depths of my soul to God. The cry of my heart. I will never understand the way he works through music and my words, but the peace is beautiful. Knowing that he hears, understands, cares, is something I’m still trying to get to my heart, and reminding myself to tell the truth is even harder. But I’ll sink if not. I’m thankful he knows how to get to me: music and a poem. 🙂

Title inspired by this lovely woman’s poem about who she is.

Favorite line: “Not to fill a hollow

With nothing but sorrow” — yes, yes, and yes. 😍