I’m pretty sure I dug into keeping pace with my sister today while taking a walk with the dogs. It’s always that I have to keep pace because no one will slow down for me. At least that’s what I believe. I hear my thoughts. I have to keep up. I’m going to make it. Keep focused. Eyes ahead.
But You, my living water love to whisper: You are loved. Through Megan’s reminder My love will stay. To remember I will fight for you, My love. Even if it hurts to walk from trying to keep up. Even if you weren’t running. Through your walk with your sister & her offer to get Starbucks. Through a text from Trisha. Through the leaves covering the sidewalk, just as I cover you. And the hard places just to delight you. Through Anna and the email hugs and a song to remind you I am with you in the valley low. Through your brother calling you Julius Burger. And the Voxes from Kallayah to check on you just now. And the GIFS with your moo. Just because you don’t know what I’m doing and feel no one gets you doesn’t mean I’m going to stop loving you. Ever. Child, I am faithful.
So how can I not be grateful for your love today, God? How can I continuously remind myself, don’t forget His love, Julia? when my soul is crying, Jesus, I hurt for all these people I love and myself. Do You see? Do You hear?
But then I put Ellie just now and the memory floods back to singing we’ve got this hope on the floor of Trisha’s guest room. I didn’t think I could get up, but she let me stay there and Your love broke through the minute I sang. Though I was scared and trembled, You were there.
You are so gentle & tender and my soul needs constant reminder You see me here. And Your goodness will follow me everywhere and go before me in the valley, calling Yahweh, the One slow to anger, compassionate, and abounding in love. Today I’m alert to this, but tomorrow I’ll forget.
And yes, I know I’m writing to Ellie’s music again but ugh, the pull is magnetic. God, please bless her. You have given her such a gift with writing songs with Your Word. I wish I would have told her, You help me remember God. Thank you. But instead I said, I’ve been wanting to meet you forever & I want to write a song with you so much.
But you knew the right time to let me see her in concert. I didn’t 2013 would find me sitting on the floor in my grandma’s house captivated by her song, Magnolia and hearing my name instead. And how I felt the tears. Because I didn’t want to try anymore. And I ran right back to a place I said I’d never go anymore. Ever. I said this many times actually.
But I did, and Ellie singing the Truth of who You are has carried me this far. All the nights I cried listening that You wouldn’t let go. And that You can turn the broken beautiful opened me up. Or the time I got rejected by a magazine and felt crushed but then sang marvelous light. Or maybe it was before. But I do remember telling mom or singing it to her. Or the time Gwen came and we sang how we shall always be with You, Lord. We were going to the mountain, but I remember the way Gwen harmonize.
I felt fear, but I think pushed through it a little. Because I could feel you there. Sometimes, I think (okay all the time) You overwhelm me.
Like that. This version of My All in Thee by Young Oceans (never heard before) where Ellie sings along with them. I honestly think You do it on purpose sometimes. Play songs with her singing along. It’s the vulnerability and how every song is like a prayer. Not just the joy (which I need to hear), but the lament. You are the man of sorrows and her honesty gives me hope You understand the tears I can’t explain lately.
May I continue to see Your love never fails. Tonight. Tomorrow. I want to be free to bask in it. Laugh in it. Rejoice in it. Not just the sorrow though I know You love me deeper and I recognize You. But God, let me see You in the joy too without thinking something horrible will happen tomorrow.
You are good. You are faithful. And the only hope I’ve got is You. I can ramble when music is on. I don’t know where this focus is coming from or how I can write this when I just want to sing along.
Seriously getting emotional. Thank you for reminding I am loved. And now the fighting words song:
I will fight the lies with the truth
Keep my eyes fixed on You…
You say I’m worth fighting for..
Seriously going to start quoting songs to you.
I know You’ll come around
I know You’ll hear my cries
And there in my weakest hour
You offered grace
You gave me love unfailing..
I know You’ll answer me
You’ll give me love unfailing
Keep singing the songs of deliverance, please. Thank You for doing it now. And wow, these suggested songs, right to heart. Seriously, God, how do You do that?
Letters From A Tendered Haired Girl
(Previous letter with link to others at bottom of posts.)