turn away again. 

Won’t you come

& sweep up my heart

again, Lord? Your smile

begs my attention while

the world says my name,

Julia, Julia, julia. The frustration 

grips me and I wonder what my place is 

again. I yearn to stay in this quiet place 

with you where I can be calm, maybe 

laugh again, and I won’t lie and say I 

don’t long for the company of a friend, 

where a hug can embrace my frame. But 

you’re in room and I can’t 

Fmf: place.

I like this prompt. Though I totally thought I’d go a different way with it. Ask Jesus what my place is. Where I belong. Because it is confusing lately, this tension of wanting to where I belong with the world and where I belong with Jesus. The world is so loud and HEYY LOOK. LOOK. HELLO, did you hear me, I said look! (And books, though they can’t speak like a person, will make you look for a very long time. As in whether you should buy it. But it isn’t dire right now.) 

while Jesus is quiet, more tender. Stay with me. But Jesus, I.. I know. Stay with me. Can’t I fix it? Stay with me. I don’t understand what is happening. My insides feel like I may burn up with joy for reasons I don’t know. Stay with me. Ughh this makes me so sad and why does it feel like no cares, but you do. Stay with me. Why are all my relationships hard right now but I feel so close to you? Stay with me. Jesus. I want that intimacy. Stay with me. Stay with me. I feel like I’m losing. Stay with me.  Did you really answer my prayer? Stay with me. What about me? Stay with me. Wait and see. I love you. 

Its hard to stay in that peace when the world can so easily lure me away. And then I lose my focus and feel like it’s my duty to keep everything going, under control. But it’s not. It never will be. But I want to stay at his feet. In his word. The pull has never been stronger this year. Or maybe it’s my eagerness too. But this is where I’m finding most of my delight. Maybe all lately. And even though we’re a little more than half way through the year, I can’t wait to see what more surprises he has up his sleeve. 

Keep my eyes fixed on you, Jesus, the author and initator of my faith. 

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at encouragement can be

I try, God , to digest what

others have asked

me this-my opinion

of his music and a dear

friend’s want for advice. 

In both instances, I’m stunned

into silence, what can I give? Can I be that 

honest? Really, my opinion? The joy of 

both asking marvels me-both are 

following their dreams & for a second, 

I’m brought to see wh

fmf: try.

This week has been seriously interesting. From Sunday meeting a new friend, Kelly, I met through Instagram. And the awkwardness of it that God melted away through sharing of stories and Wonder Woman. I still can’t hold back wanting to laugh remembering how the woman taking tickets asked if it was one child and one adult. I kind of just stared a minute before Kelly goes, no we’re both adults here. 😂 I don’t know if the woman was referring to me, but Kelly is a little taller than me. I wanted to be a little mad, but I find it too funny. In a way, it’s a reminder to me that I’m God’s child. 

And how can God’s child give adequate advice? On Wednesday my brother’s friend, Ruben had so much joy in telling me he released his first music video. His excitement had my attention right away. Maybe because I haven’t seen someone in a long time so excited come up to me and ask for my opinion. The whole time I’m a mess of nerves because I don’t want to say the wrong thing or crush his dreams. But he did ask for my honesty. And the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, it’s good. Because I’m afraid and don’t know how to give positive feedback while also being honest. Later on, I tell him how I love the scene with him and his mom at the table. How it’s different than a normal music video. I don’t know how to describe other than it feels like I’m watching someone’s home video. 

I don’t love all the swearing, I tell him, and once again am shocked by the fact that though my our views are different, it is okay. I guess I’m coming to see in very small ways we are all struggling, trying to reach for dreams that have placed inside us. One very small step at a time. We need life spoken into us. That is what keeps us going. Not condemnation. Which I think is where a lot of my fear  comes lately. That being honest, saying what I do and don’t like, deserves condemnation. And I think when faced with telling someone what I honestly think of their work or something else, I hesitate  because I never want to come off as rude. Ever. And I myself shrink back a little when someone says you could do more or says it’s good. Never want it to go to my head either. 

I don’t know where I’m going with this except I don’t see what an honor it is to speak into another’s life and how to receive life-giving words without being so skeptical and ask, really? or be too stunned to speak at all.

And oh Jesus, help me. Help me receive and meditate on the life giving words instead of the doubt and not question the encouragement I try to give to others. It comes from you not me. I really do like watching someone smile and be given hope while I wait here in this valley. I don’t think I’d even have the opportunity to share if I was rushing around. Not that I can but you know in my head, it’s a really good time. Being still I learn how you are patient and kind. Wanting me to give yes, but also wanting me to not brush away the good things. Please help me. Amen. 

It will forever amaze me the moments God uses to show me more of who he is and how he may have to sing this over me forever. I want to cry every single time. 

No condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Must remember this. 

holy

Lord,

bring me to

a place of harmony

with myself &. Others

– let me love myself enough 

– To hold on to this way you 

– inspire me with melody. All the lies 

come at me today; you are unworthy, 

nothing comes your way good but that’s 

not what you say. You say I will see the 

goodness of You while I’m here in the 

land of living. You will make me laugh 

instead of worry. You will bring beauty 

from these ashes I think look more 

appealing than this smile You give me. 

You are good and faithful, intentional & 

fmf: inspire 

I will see the goodness of the Lord while I’m here in the land of the living. This is I know: the Lord is on my side. I am precious. He will be my helper. He will hold me by my right hand. I don’t need to be discouraged, He is my God. I don’t need to be afraid, He is with me. He will strengthen me and uphold me with his VICTORIOUS right hand. Heart, take courage he’s coming with a rain of his blessing. His faithfulness. You’ll see. You won’t be able to miss. So you got rejected from a job you didn’t really want but still hurt. And you got silence for others. So? God has his best for you. His absolute best. He’s coming and in the meantime be grateful:

-friends pray with/for you. 

-they listen and remind you the truth

– that you are a little half way through the bible

-that you can sing and do a little hip shake dance

-you have food/water/shelter/a family who loves you. 

-you stepped out of your comfort zone this week. 

-you are beloved. 

-sister brought you a chocolate moose with marshmallow top. And salmon and asparagus. 

She’s always watching you. Let you sing this to her while you held her as if she’s your child.

Rejection may feel like it’s stinging heavy, but you know it’s not true. Hang on dear heart, he loves you very much. He’ll come through. 

ect me in your arms now.

Jesus,
I am weary from one 

step out, no maybe 

multiple steps out. 

I find myself here 

alone at this table

wondering if you will

make everything turn 

out alright. I am afraid. 

The silences I’ve given 

today when I was asked 

about handling conflict &

in the midst of trying to remember a 

name, make

me shiver at the inexperience 

I have in the working world. Though, let 

me real and say 

with how hard I am on myself,

everything is a job to me. And no matter 

how much I beg for fun, and a chance to 

go slow,

I still long for you to coll
fmf: collect

I’m tired. I did major scary things for me this week. I applied for jobs. At 27 years old, one would think I’d have one by now, but I think God has been gracious with me. He knows I have no idea what work/life balance is and if given a job, I’m so immersed in it I forget the world. The people. The friendship. I’ve never filled out an application ever. And the 3 I did made me like, God I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t seem like a fun time. Can’t I just sit here and listen to music and write you my feelings. I don’t want to work in a store. All the while I’m helping my mom with things and telling her I could be someone’s assistant and maybe it’s good I’ve never had a real job yet (I’ve helped a friend with editing when she worked at a publishing house but that ended sadly when my computer died. And it was so short but so much fun. And challenging.). 
I also submitted an article for a magazine.  I almost put it off too because I felt it really wasn’t going to matter. But I got reply about review that day and an interview for a store Monday happened today. The phone interview I kept blanking but at least I wasn’t completely terrified to talk to the person. Thanks to god’s strength. And then later today, my mom found a position to be a pastor’s assistant. The person isn’t in today and the list of duties overwhelms me; it’s also a good drive from me. 

I don’t really want any of this, but god’s gentle, sure leading with these or if there’s something else. It’s a good thing despite what my head is trying to tell me, that I’m trying. Do I want God to just hand me something that fits perfectly for me? Yes. Do I need help trusting that he knows what’s best? Yes. Do I need to ignore the negative and downer spirit I feel? Yes.

Lord, help me with this. Make me ready for whatever you have coming my way. Show me the goodness you have today. And help me continue to pray. You are good and faithful. Amen. 

control, I’m not. 

I smell this gardenia,

calm & unassuming after

a fall. Lord, I watched or

I felt my body turn back 

as I went and missed the grip 

for the counter–mom’s voice 

a complete gasp as I hit the floor on my 

side. I don’t know

how You did that. The pain asks

me now to stay with the whiplash my 

head feels. Bring 

more of your comfort won’t you, please? 

The fall reminds me yet again in

fmf: comfort.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact I’ve had a bit of a summer flu this week or when trying to grab the counter with my weaker, I somehow do a twirl and wind up on my side on a carpet that covers part of the hard wood floor (thank you, Jesus), but I really think being still is good. I also find it fascinating that when I fall, i just go down. No words. And then just want to stay there.

Jesus, help me be still. Help me rest in you and wait expectantly for you. Please. I’m tired and my head is like, you need to put the phone down but I need to get this out. Thank you for catching me when I fall and for the carpet even though the pain was still there. Thank you that mom and I can recall lots of other falls I’ve had.  Thank you she was there to help me up and put on sandals so I won’t fall again. Even though you and I both know I’m not getting up any time. Thank you that all the pain brings straight to you. As in when I fall, I immediately apologize for trying to get up and wash my hands. I’m a silly girl who’s still trying to get falling is okay. You’re still going to – want me. You still love me in this broken and my aching body, head will never keep you away. So come to me Jesus. And yes, it’s a little like Ellie’s song, rescue:

It’s like I fell into a hole to deep to climb out//And I looked up to the sky and saw you reaching down/Reaching down

Reach down and rescue me with your comfort, Jesus. I’m not sure if anything would be a comfort right since I’m trying to distract myself from the weird feeling in my head. But thank you for being with me. That’s a comfort even if I can’t physically feel it right now. Okay, stopping. Love you, Jesus.

the weight of it all.

Lord, won’t you come

on this swing with me?

Sway me back & forth 

With the breeze, but please 

don’t let this motion be like 

my dreams. Always hanging 

in the balance of my maybe..

I hear the birds singing, telling 

each other, how come she doesn’t yet 

believe all the Lord

Does above, in between and below, is love 

her? Or maybe they are giggling from a 

joke,

But oh Jesus, my heart is starting to know

fmf: play.

This poem could’ve been more about the fact I want to go sit on a swing set with Jesus (even though I’m pretty sure, no I know he’s on the porch swing right now with me.) but instead it’s about a dream I’ve been longing for that maybe was reawakened this week. It’s mystified me and made my heart all excited at the thought. Way too excited. I broke more this week and Jesus has held me. 

I also learned an awesome attribute about Jesus: Sovereignty  of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure. I’m in Ezekiel in my bible in year reading plan (a little more than half way done! Also makes me way too happy since it’s my first time. I’m gonna throw myself a party at 75 or a hundred percent. And dance to Ellie Holcomb.) and Sovereign keeps popping up a lot. I know that means God is in control, but I love finding this definition, that God does things for his own good pleasure. And then I find that pleasure has a synonym of “delight.” It’s hilarious because it’s my word this year. 😂 I love the way God does this. Love it. Sweeps in.

Speaking of delight: 

I got this candle in the mail yesterday and can’t wait to light it. My sister got it for me in a smaller size 2 birthdays ago and haven’t been able to quit it. I love that it’s called joy and laughter. I want so much of that in my life lately. 

Fill me up, Jesus. Oh please.

like my mouth is trying to run a race. 

I am caught in

the blessing when 

my phone lights with

the picture and I hear 

her ask, how I am. I 

say good..ish and she 

repeats the ish. And then 

later on, her laugh fetches 

mine as we realize how hard 

connecting is. But what she doesn’t know 

is how I’ve missed this welcoming space

to ramble though my voice cuts off, not in 

tears but movement 
fmf: blessing

It is a bblessing to call a friend after you haven’t talked since last year (on the phone) and remembering how good it is to laugh. To hear them laugh. And their kids in the background. And what you are pretty sure is a bird. And god’s reminder that though you may be tired of reaching out to anyone, afraid nothing will happen, or you will hurt them/or they will you, be a burden..God drives these fears out. Even if it’s slow. So slow. But it’s worth it for laughter. To remember you are always welcome even if you’re talking too fast and you’re cutting out. And some anticipatory happines coming. And lingering in the silence. And reminder to not give up.  

There’s been a lot of praying this week and confusion, some anger which I think is serious deep sorrow, cat holding and late nights with tears that stopped my phone screen from working. Laughter from a typo that has turned into something without fail makes me laugh.

And this. And lavender sugar cookies. And playing fetch with the dog whose eyes gleam with God’s compassion. And I think I just named so many blessings. Abundance in the hard places. ☺️

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.