1/12/18

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Day 48

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Quiet my heart,

Lord. You are mighty,

a comfort, my comfort 

in times of confusion &

wonder. Simplify my speech 

today so I can hear the pain, but take no 

offense. Help me rest in Your arms and 

speak what needs to be said and forget 

the rest. I am afraid of the way my flesh 

aches for revenge that is not mine to 

take. But You are the One who

brings jus(tice) & hope I can never muster 

on my own. It is raining – I know it means 

Your blessing – let it soften this wounded 

heart. I’m so tired of fighting to be seen, 

heard. Show me how to give healing as I 

receive from Your heart. Give us a new 

start. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl 

Fmf: simplify. 

Previous letter found here. 

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1/10-11/18

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Days 46-47

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God,

I really like how You put on Ellie. I really think You do it on purpose sometimes because You know I’ll listen. Oh yeah, put on Beckah Shae. You know all I think of is Kallayah doing the wink clap thing. And now Ellie singing about how I’m loved even though I disobeyed you today. 

Please open the bottle I know You collect my tears in. 

I’m sorry. I’m going to cry a river. Oh yay, more Ellie. 

Help me to stand on the promise that You are holding my right hand. Help me to know that even if I lose my grip You won’t let go. 

Can You breathe new life into this mess I’ve made?
My portion and my strength, I need You. Heart hurts so much. 

Love, 

Your tender-haired girl 

Ps. Thank you for the Voxes from Kallayah in the middle of this. Thank you for your love. 

Previous letter here

1/7-8/18

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Days 44-45

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God,

I’ll be alright. 

I may be confused 

by Your silence (maybe 

just me), but You are still

patient & kind. You are still 

holding out Your hand, ready

to twirl me round & round. Because what 

is better but to dance in gratitude? You 

teach me to be grateful that I am not

in control, even if I’d like to be. 

Yes, I’m in control of my tongue & 

thoughts but only You can say when

things start & end. When to give & take 

away. Only You come right on time with 

open arms with enough love 

to engulf all that is broken. Only You 

make everything beautiful again. Only 

You can sing a love song medley that 

calms all my fears. Tells me it will be 

alright. You will be holding my hand. You 

will be my light. What a friend, You are. 

The way You listen to my fear. I don’t 

know where we are going, Abba. I am 

afraid of love – that kind where my soul is 

find in the reflection of another. It is 

going to be alright – to know the current 

underneath my skin of fear –

I’m not alone here. I’m allowed

to not know what is going to happen, but

I can trust You,

Father, You know what I need 

when I need it. You get the glory. And I 

get to rest in Your favor & say, that’s my 

daddy. 

Let it be,

Your tender haired girl

Previous letter found here

1/6/18

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Day 43

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God,

Are you trying to tell me something? The Lol song is on and I keep thinking about the journals. The one mom got me for Christmas has a bunch of flowers with the scripture: live by faith not by sight. And the one Kelly gave me also has a ton of flowers on it. And the note made me smile. Julia – for all those deep thoughts. 

It made me smile so much. It feels like we have known each other longer since last August. I know you know this but i love how you’ve surprised me the last few weeks. From a woman who’s been touched by part of my story and is sending me a book. All from a bible plan I did about my depression. I wrote an email about how it’s helped me and really wasn’t expecting anything back. But then a woman writes back with prayer and saying that the woman who put together the plan wants to bless with a book and I just stare at it and read part. Mark as unread then go back like, wow. And then Monday and all I keep thinking is, are you saying I’m going to bloom? 

I know Gwen has told me I remind her of an orchid, but I honestly still feel in the dark. I still alone even though I know I’m not. You are here even though it doesn’t always feel like it. I’m trying to praise you anyhow. 

Hallelujah, it will be alright. Be alright. Be alright. Yes, I just quoted some more song lyrics. And now Josh Groban –
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.. I am strong when i am on Your shoulders. You raise me up to more than I can be. 

This song will forever make me think of grandma. And it would be cool to stand on a mountain. Just to get to a joyful place inside myself. Being on Your shoulders sounds terrifying because I’m afraid of heights. I am totally hinds feet on high places. Much afraid. I’d need you to hold my hand all the way. And now the song about me being loved. I need help here, Lord. 

Jesus, I love the way You say my name. I love the way You aren’t ashamed of me. Harvest Sound lyrics. 

Show me again You aren’t ashamed of me. Help me take being loved. Maybe right now it is how the dog is laying so close to me. He is precious, You know. You must have taken so much joy in creating him to look like a cow tail. Yes, I know it’s hilarious. And a friend who is helping me believe again. It’s okay to dream. More than okay. 

And now I’m going to end with Ellie lyrics:

So take away this, the fear

take away this doubt & let me know that You’re here and You’re not going anywhere. Free me with your love. 
Love,

your tender haired girl 

Previous letter here.

1/5/18

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Day 42

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Abba,

You come so suddenly with encouragement to extend to this friend. You motivate me in the quiet when it is You and I. I see that verse again; that as I look to, expect You, I will change. I’ll mount like an eagle so close to You where in Your arms I am home. You call me daughter and I respond, Yes, Daddy? And you tell me I will walk and not grow weary, run and not faint. Let it be so as I bask in Your love and pass on the hope

fmf: motivate

previous letter found here

1/3-4/18

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Day 40

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I am tired.

I wanted to tell her this,

God. When she asked, 

what’s wrong? I froze inside. 

Not because I was worried 

about how long the time would 

last. No. I felt found. You’re so quiet, she 

said. It wasn’t in a way that typically 

makes me want to shut off, but in a way 

that asked my heart to come 

confide. I wanted to ask questions & not 

be all me, me, me. Even though I was 

tired. Even though I’m not good at asking 

questions I feel. But she turned around 

and asked me that and God, it’s like I’m 

still learning it’s okay to trust. And I’m 

not annoying when I text long things and 

want to read the bible together. And to 

walk out of Panera together and feel her 

hold the weakest of my hands. Or maybe 

it was my arm. It was like You were there, 

watching as the verse became a real 

thing: don’t be afraid. I will take you by 

your right hand. I will help you. She 

helped me up. And down the sidewalk. In 

the freezing cold,

with 2 drinks. And a cookie my brother 

wound up eating because I was so in the 

moment until she left that early morning

& then forgot the next day. Because as 

much as You know I love chocolate, I 

heard You

 in ways that night that felt like hope & 

joy rising; a day at the bookstore just to 

talk and look through, an offer of two 

books to read later. A day to watch 

movies and shows together. And a 

willingness to want to make church less 

of a place I view unsafe and 

condemnation and anger. To go with me. 

I can’t help but think she’ll hold my hand 

(Or arm) through the fear. This soul 

sister. I know it is You. 

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Day 41

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And today, I heard the enemy really try to get to me. No one will hold your hand. You don’t let yourself have other experiences to stop from past experiences with the church. Oh yay, magnolia by Ellie Holcomb. You trying to get the tears to flow? That last one was me, God. Not the enemy. 

But the more you try, the more you’re failing. 

No place to call your home except your heartache. 

Yep, that’s me. I don’t hide that I’m okay being alone with you. There’s nothing else right now I want to do. I don’t have the capacity to talk to people, let alone take in what they are saying. Even if they are trying to help. I mean, I do want to talk, as you saw with Kelly, but it’s different than with family or the job people. I don’t feel as afraid. Or push to come up with something. Or shut down. 

 I feel I’m given time to speak. Or be silent. Or just be. Or sing. And Monday night made me feel different. Seen, once I let a bit of my guard down. I mean the singing felt way vulnerable. My cheeks were burning with shame because I was singing the truth. And I felt this calm and emptiness at the same time because you were there, but it takes me so long to believe it. 

That maybe there’s hope for me. The fact that I said I want to give church a chance again is weird. And what I heard earlier just wants to press down on me, make me cry. I feel them come, Lord and then they fall a little then pass. But I feel there’s more. Why does being loved have to feel like a war? Why can’t I rest in it more? Why do all these lies want to pummel me to the floor?

I need you, God.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl 

Ps. Thank you for singing to me. Thank you. Thank you. 

Previous letter here.

12/30-31/17

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Day 39

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God,

It’s weird hearing this song again and hearing it at the beginning of the year. I played it over and over. And over. And then with her. I remember singing it, feeling this burning in my cheeks. Because I wasn’t singing it just for me, but this friend too. It almost felt like embarrassment. Singing the truth that we are both loved by You, different strengths, weaknesses all covered in Your love. You. 

It’s weird how at the beginning of the year, I was so pumped up with this album. I never really expected to share it with this friend and feel threatened. Because parts of my story are so wrapped in playing this artist on repeat, hearing Your Word, about You, and holding on tight through many dark nights. Days. Trembling. Wondering. Were You real? What have I done? But mostly, I just wanted to get through. 

I never knew You’d use this artist so deeply in my life. And then to bring along this friend to the concert and watch her hand her book to her with lyrics from that song. It was bigger than my feeling I was getting something taken away. 

Except the friendship is. Walking away because of shame and guilt and it’s just great to come to know jealousy really does kill. 

And now I’m really afraid to put myself in a place where friends can continue being my friend. If they’d even want to. And I know they do. But God. Learning today that when I covet, it’s not trusting Your care for me, it really showed me a lot of the reason why I can’t handle Instagram or Facebook. Or struggle receiving good news from friends or maybe even for myself. It’s like this fear of I’m going to be left. When really I should be rejoicing. Part of me can, but I think I should be quicker to rejoice when You do things for me. It is Your love. I need to let it flood me and trust You will not let me proud. 
 I’m so afraid of that. So afraid of loving the gifts (which I do) more than You. 

Taking what You give and being like, Yep, all me. When I deserve none of it. It’s all a gift. Everything.  I can’t even take the gifts You give. The time this year has given me to see the twisty of my heart. The ache. The longing. It’s great. And last year around this time, I had spent part of it with this friend. There were friendship bracelets and a talk in the car where I said I think people know things about me already, but they don’t. And now its gone. Dead. 

You do though, God. You wove me intimately in my mother’s womb. So You knew how hearing Beckah Shae’s, I’ll be alright again at the end of this year, is interesting. I just ughh. I don’t get me and I hate how it bothers me. The jealousy. How it creeped and killed and I couldn’t see it as clearly until cutting the tie. And I don’t know how encouraging can continue holding it together. Could have. Even with my other friends. Whatif jealousy gets in and kills too?   And I wish I would’ve read more of never unfriended before I had to let go but maybe it wouldn’t have done anything. 

God. This just makes me want to be a better friend but mostly see how You are a friend to me so I can take it in. Soak it in. Ughh. I love You for endlessly listening and knowing me. 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl 

Ps. Please forgive me. For dismissing Your care for me. I’m sorry I’m so slow to receive.  Oh yay, the song I heard first at the concert. 

As sure as the sun will rise 

And chase away the night 

His mercy wil not end.

His mercy will not end. 

The tears. God. 

Previous letter here