4/6/18

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Day 95

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Jesus,

Bring Your rain 

Of blessing. My 

Sweet friend, come. Wash

The world in Your smile.

Release the joy hiding beneath

The fear in my heart. Bring a shout turned

Laughter. Bring a song I want help but sing

Because You are good. No matter the anxiety 

Asking me give into despair. You are my comfort,

My friend. The one who sat on the basement floor

When temptation took over stronger & the thoughts

Try to get me further, but You only loved me deeper

 

fmf: release.  written during this song.

where i forget my dreams

i wake after ten
with the great white
shark eyes still taunting—

God, why do i feel
as though i am drowning?
the shark’s teeth come

closer, enough
to be a grin, and
i watch the eyes,
ash amonst the watery

dim. someone is pushing,
or i am sinking, maybe
i am dying & i can’t even

cry anymore. all i do
is watch the pressure
sweep me further
into a pit whe

fmf prompt: ten. apparently i think I’m going to die by sharks or drowning..longest night i’ve had in awhile. i think this calls for a drawing day. and calm music.

goodbye

in the garden,
earthly side of
heaven i sit—

i love you
falls swift off
their tongues

through screen.
mouth & my heart
beats a question

yet to forget.
why, when i
will make mistake?

tension crawls
inside, a clenched
fist ready to knock

truth sustaining
my next breath.
he’s holding

something back
from you, i hear
the serpent remark.

don’t you see
you9 still stuck?
he laughs.

i throw a rock
of your promise—
he has plans

to prosper me
not harm—
it is good

to wait upon
the Lord, he
will fight for me

even as i am
still. i may have
many problems,
but Jesus
delivers me
from all

——

he chokes
on belief,
slithering

sometimes you have to write out the truth, to release the tension that keeps tightening your insides. and imagine your throwing rocks at the devil.. though i know i’d scream or say “oh,God, please.” if i i saw a serpent.

God promises peace,though. His peace. Not the kind the world gives. (lately i’m thinking this is commercials that will instantly make me want dunlin donuts sugary frappes..), but the promise not to let my heart be troubled or afraid because he is God.

and i’m not the one in control. or need to know all the answers.

withholding no love from thee

i’ve added
worry—
asking if i
can have another
opportunity. please,
please, God. i can
hear: those who can
be trusted with little,
can be trusted with much.
You’re laughing a little,
enjoy, don’t consume
yourself with the end.
how i’ve taken away
from this command:
so many of these
people have more
experience than me.
i don’t want to break
any rules. i don’t under
stand why i was chosen—
& my brain will beg me
run away; heart longing
for this good you’ve given
while i ask, please be all
i see?

what do you do when you start overly worrying about good and bad case scenarios from a beautiful opportunity? write a poem about it. and pray i’m overflowed with grace and keep my eyes on Jesus.

Prayers would be appreciated, please.

love, whom you love 

dear God-

I want you 

to hold me

close to infinite

illogical beats

swearing you

true. i am no

good to you–

turning promise

over & over 

in my head, 

as if maybe

I’ve missed 

a loophole.

peace, you whisper,

I leave with you. I 

do not give as the 

world gives–independence

apart from You, figure all this

out on your own. right now.

–do not let your heart be

troubled, nor afraid.
Author’s Note: singing to God when you feel compressed by anxiety is tough. The toughest. I read John 14 today and I want to soak in Jesus’ peace. My brain is everywhere. I need prayers that my heart would be calmed. That I’d let Jesus speak and turn my heart away.
It’s constant waves. This song helps.

dear savior, truth is

i’m tired from another

night anxiety got 

the best of me. 

God, when i 

breathe, my

chest clenches.

i hear kindness–

“trust his heart.”

“He will reveal in time.”

“praying for you.”

in the back of my mind.

grace midst transparency

i can’t hide. these ugly

lies find me in the quiet:

you are alone. you have no time.

you have to figure everything out

on your own, right now. i’ve heard

you whisper, surrender. no gun 

points to my forehead, inciting

fear, but your word before my ear–

i have redeemed you. you are mine,

Julia.

why am i still terrified of you

over birds & wind
i sob. i am small
in this bed, a curled
up child, crying for
another way. i don’t
know what to do,
where to go—
“i don’t trust you.
i hate you, Jesus,
my mind screams
through breaths.
the one he loves
can’t handle herself.
she can’t look people
directly in the eye,
open up in a decent
time (7 months is a
bit of a stretch). she
is apt to run & hide—
grace, please don’t
come close enough
for gaze in consuming
eyes. please. i’d rather
be alone than burned
alive in mystery i want
answered now—

i think i’m hate that i want to draw forever and be wayward, then follow Jesus into the unknown. i’m terrified of everything, more myself. i don’t want to go to school. i don’t want to write. i want to draw, but really, i am afraid of God’s best for my life. i want to bolt and run as far as possible from the answer if it’s not what i want. i know God has the best plans for my life, but somewhere inside, i feel like they are going to harm me. I’m harming myself by letting anxiety overrule me.

All I know is I’m comfortable with being afraid. This is bad. Very, very bad

I literally need God to walk me into whatever way he has for me.

Even if that means I’m going to cry a lot. Because I will.

So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

oh God, i can’t do this alone. Help, help, help.