find the tears fall.

God,

What is my worth to you? It isn’t in the things I do. Or don’t do. But maybe in the way I let myself hear, let me care for you. Care for me in the ways in the ways I need most for my soul. To sing to you, Lord, means more when I’m alone. Because I know in this quiet space with the cat, okay so maybe not alone, but absent people, I feel you sweep into the room. You are rushing to be near, to hear me open my mouth and proclaim to the closed window, I need you, I need you, I need you. I love you. And I 

fmf: worth

I sometimes hope that when I get to heaven, I’ll be like, God, Your love for me is fantastic. All the ways you pursued me through music. I felt like even in the broken body, the stillness at the table with the cat, You always found a way to make me dance inside and cry. It was beautiful. And now I can hear it forever here without ever turning it off and I can see your face now.

And he’ll smile and move in for a hug  because yes please and thank you ☺️🙋

But God seriously knows that I can lost in a song or artist for a while and I think I found a new one:

This drawing the cat finds better to sleep on is a visual for me to these lyrics: I know this might sound crazy/you’ve got the freedom to fail. – who cares–Carly Bannister (also, Ellie Holcomb’s sister. Serious talent and truth and good stuff from these two. Ugh.)

It’s like Jesus is singing it right into my soul. On a swing set.  To try and if I fail, it’s okay. It takes a long time for my heart to grasp things, especially that. I feel like I go slow enough the first time because I’m anxious to the point I don’t want to get it wrong or that I have to know things when I don’t. So this is basically like a reminder it’s okay to ask for help, need a friend. It’s okay to try again. 

And I really need to rest in that today. 

Help me, Jesus.

Brazen: More Than Sandpaper 

Here is the truth: 

Brazen comes out today.

I haven’t finished it. 

This is kind of hard for me since I put so much gosh darn pressure on myself to have things done the day or at least a day before.

But that did not happen with this book. And I don’t know if when I finish, I’ll be able to review because there are so many topics in here that have hit me hard. 

So, I’m about to review this with 8 chapters to go. This also feels illegal, but I’m not going to apologize (this is something Leeana talks about in her book) for the fact I’m a writer. And writers need to process.

The word, brazen, to me, has this sandpaper quality. Without knowing that it means, “shamelessly unapologetic,” I think of someone who goes out there and doesn’t take no for an answer. I did not think that it had anything to do with creativity or the soul. Or your voice.

What I think I’ve loved most about this book is Leeanna’s open confession with the struggle of Soul Bullies. You know the voices inside us that things like: 

How dare you desire.

How dare you follow an inkling?

How dare you love what you offer this world.

How dare you write.

Or in my case: How dare you write a review when you aren’t even done with the book.

Leeana heard these Bullies during one of her 20 minutes of soul time. This is where she sets a time for 20 minutes for 20 minutes and writes whatever her soul is saying to her. At the end, she asks God what he would look to say to her.

I don’t know why more than anything else, her admission to having Soul Bullies has stayed with me. Maybe it’s because I automatically assume those that are older don’t struggle with these things. I mean, they’ve been around longer than me which means they have experience. Ways to overpower the Soul Bullies without constant need to tell them: how dare you tell me who I am? 

Or withdraw for a bit, because maybe they’re right.

  
Leanna’s honesty has had me hooked, how we all struggle with being brazen. How we should not only embrace our brokenness, but our belovedness. How we each have a child, a mother, and grandmother inside us. Guides that show us who we are. How we are allowed to take up space in this world and not apologize for it. To become.

  
There’s so much in this book that only having a week and some time to read and take in, I couldn’t do it. The Reflection & Expression questions have stopped me in my tracks. They are hard and I want to bypass them, but I just want to to sit them. Because I know I won’t go back to them for months. Years maybe.

  
And did I mention she encourages all to make a Brazen board? Can I just say I’m so glad she prefaces the book with a note we do NOT need to be Martha Stewart?

Thank you, Leanna. Thank you.

This is a book that you need to spend time with. And I’m honored to continue taking this journey to come out of hiding and see Jesus along the way.

absent unfold 

You are a stranger,

my Abba–the way 

you reach toward 

my soul, kindness 

I cannot stand. I am 

an obstinate child, 

your beloved going 

round & round: you 

love me because you 

are love. you are always

happy to see me–no matter 

the furrowed brow, tired bone–

you come sit beside, pull me gently inside 

your elbows & hush

the fugitive internal: I love you. 


Dear Abba,

though I am tired and quite a bit cranky, oh how you love me. oh how you make me laugh–you love to watch me smile, split open my tense jaw, laughing into the light. I want to cry though I am not sure why. my heart aches, and here you are. grace upon grace-desperate hands swooping me in an embrace I’ve ever longed stay.


  

Who wants to break busy?

I signed up to launch Breaking Busy by Alli Worthington to be busy.

And “finding your purpose in a world full of crazy” caught my attention.

I didn’t expect to learn so much about myself. About capacity. The signs of over capacity – like anger/fear over not being able to meet my demand. Such as not posting enough blurbs about this book on my blog, Instagram, other social media outlets. 

I’ve posted nothing on the blog about this book. I wanted to take myself less seriously (as I do with most things) with this, but as Alli says, out of control emotions often reflects the out-of-control commands we place on ourselves. My thoughts didn’t relent, as I’m sure most people experience when demands on self are too high.

Who here is carrying out-of-control demands on themselves thanks to themselves? Yes, me, I’m looking at you. 

The other major point I took is from the final chapter on worth. If you’ve read my blog for any length time, you know how easily I beat myself up over things. We’ve all done it.

Past mistakes. 

Seeming failures. 

Letting someone down. 

They’re always looming in the back of the mind. 

Alli talks a lot about the armor of God in this chapter. I’ve always envisioned this as a night writing in and saving me. Clearly my my perception on God is off, if I don’t believe I’m allowed to wear the armor. 

But the meaning is deeper: taking up his Word upon myself.  

So when he says, do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen and hold you up with my victorious right hand, I must believe. I’ve learned while reading this book there is an enemy who would like nothing more than to see my joy. 

No matter how small in the last few weeks, he has found a way to make me believe the lies:

You are invisible.

You should hurry up and figure out your life. 

You are weak. 

Needy. 

Stuck. 

It has been hard to put to these lies out of my brain. To not explode on those who love me. Or sit in silence, feeling anxiety making my palms sweaty. Or cry out of confusion.

Breaking Busy came in my life when I’ve convinced myself I need to strive. I cannot take myself lightly. I need to prove myself or I will not be acceptable.

Before reading this book, I never understood how much I fight against others or myself. How I don’t listen to what comes out of my own mouth & take what other’s say as condemnation, rather than: I love you. I think you’d be good at this.”

My fight isn’t against anyone, but the forces of darkness in the heavenly places. And my worth has nothing to do with me or anyone else, but Jesus.
He calls me by name. I am his.
He comes to me, My daughter, you’ve always had me. Come inside–and like the older brother, I stand, unsure.

The look in his eyes I imagine say:

I make you worthy.

To believe this is to break busy.

The way Alli tells her story, through humor, honesty, and practical tips: the five Fs of decision making from simple to life-changing; to the types of communicators we are, make this book relatable to anyone.

If you struggle with over-capacity, making decisions, your thought patterns, or the serpent of shame, this book is worth the read. 
And we can stop wringing our hands together.

  

lovey the lamb

IMG_1232-1.jpg

Today I had this idea to write a children’s book about a lamb who is left by her herd due to her feeling too much. Sadness. Over not wanting to wander anymore. Because her herd can’t lead themselves. And Lovey is tired of feeling lost, unloved.

She wants to wonder. It needs work, but now it will not leave me alone.

Let me not forget to mention that I haven’t written a story in 2 years and that was a complete mess.

On the plus side, maybe she can be the lamb, who leads the wanderers? And repeats her words.

This will be interesting because it may break my draw one thing and done. Lovey will definitely look different every time.

prayers please.