like my mouth is trying to run a race. 

I am caught in

the blessing when 

my phone lights with

the picture and I hear 

her ask, how I am. I 

say good..ish and she 

repeats the ish. And then 

later on, her laugh fetches 

mine as we realize how hard 

connecting is. But what she doesn’t know 

is how I’ve missed this welcoming space

to ramble though my voice cuts off, not in 

tears but movement 
fmf: blessing

It is a bblessing to call a friend after you haven’t talked since last year (on the phone) and remembering how good it is to laugh. To hear them laugh. And their kids in the background. And what you are pretty sure is a bird. And god’s reminder that though you may be tired of reaching out to anyone, afraid nothing will happen, or you will hurt them/or they will you, be a burden..God drives these fears out. Even if it’s slow. So slow. But it’s worth it for laughter. To remember you are always welcome even if you’re talking too fast and you’re cutting out. And some anticipatory happines coming. And lingering in the silence. And reminder to not give up.  

There’s been a lot of praying this week and confusion, some anger which I think is serious deep sorrow, cat holding and late nights with tears that stopped my phone screen from working. Laughter from a typo that has turned into something without fail makes me laugh.

And this. And lavender sugar cookies. And playing fetch with the dog whose eyes gleam with God’s compassion. And I think I just named so many blessings. Abundance in the hard places. ☺️

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. 

Dear Thief, Bravo

I listen to a song

tell me I’m worth more than gold.

Sour cream & cheddar cheese Ruffles

waft through this lonely, lowly dimmed room.

Now, a woman sings a request I’m unsure

I’ve ever asked, but my heart can’t tell a lie.

Would You stay with me, crying through

my chest a quiet beat wanting resignation?

Lies have met my mind’s threshold today.

No one cares about you.

Orange juice sits on the bedside table.

Good job betraying your mother.

Vicious laughter followed by,

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Don’t you know when words are many,

sin is never absent? You can cry

all the hidden tears, but Jesus knows

what a fool you’ve become.

Talking about what you’ve seen, know

without thinking, realizing you could turn

the only parent against you.

You want that?

You are a baby, writing all this

waiting for someone to pity you.

People have been pitying for five days.

Looking you in the eyes.

Buying you grapes.

Nutri-grain bars.

Pop tarts.

Asking, how are you?

You blink.

You stare.

You answer.

You look away.

You find yourself here, wrapped

underneath a comforter, repeating

your need for a sympathetic ear.

You want more. You want a physical body,

wrapping those anxiety bones in a day

long hug, easing you into a silence

you won’t sit with, because I, the lying Father,

terrify you to believe no one will understand you.

You should remain quiet.

Stop writing,

Give up.

Jesus was tempted

every way you are.

He didn’t sin though.

I bet He didn’t doubt His Father’s love

the way you are with not getting your heart desires.

You are selfish

A child so weak, your Father

gave Himself to save

out of the hands of doubt.

Yet, you doubt His loving blessings,

wanting something more than loneliness.

Shame. Shame.

Hearty Spill

I think today my peace

unwound the stitching

where this moon skin keeps

Your sacrifice to me underneath.

You will never give me peace

the world gives-financial security.

You know that isn’t promised,

even if I would like this faith leap

to touch more people than I know.

Money isn’t meant to be the goal

as long Your kingdom comes,

Your riches will follow.

I can’t look.

I want to cover my eyes.

Peek through these picket fence fingers.

Your laughing eyes speaking truth amidst my straightforward cracks.

The more you hide,

the more I will seek you.

Don’t run away, now.

You’ve come this far.

Endure the wait

I AM ahead

amidst

afterward.

My hand lays upon

your wearied head.

Rest now.

Let my blessings flow,

do not trouble your heart

with what you yet understand.

Be still, knowing I do not have end.

Rejoice.

I’m with you,

holding trembles,

longing My approval still.

Kindest

Who can find an adhesive,
disgruntled child, patient
enough to extend a hand
never tiresome of eruption-
held at your right handed weakness,
sobbing because goodbyes end joy
too quick.

When I died to this grief you experience,
I knew you’d overwhelm the thought
someone loves you,
leading you to My arms as they
unravel bandaids falling away.
The distance of who you have & still
to come, will not change blessing given & waiting to be bestowed.

Worry not, resting in truth
l know both need,
want,
kindness above
has not stopped.