crying Your name

i should’ve known
better to give ear
to condemnation.

in the dark, i hear
my door swing sudden,
what are you doing?!

i turn from the wall—
the door never opened,
nut the pointer finger

still upon me.
i turn back in
my smallness

covering me quiet
under a blanket shame
you bear with me.

Apparently when you start getting real close to God, the Devil is all: “Hey, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU SGOULD’T BE SLEEPING. YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE HE’S COMING FOR YOU…& DOESNT LOOK THAT WAY!” And then you start feeling real small/ You hide under blankets because God can’t love you after what those thoughts led to earlier. Even though you cried and said you were sorry and asked forforgivenes, you don’t want to be touched by the lover of your soul. You feel so dirty. 3 times now this has gone on. 3 nights of the past shadows and succumbing each time.

and you want to weep. too tired, but you stay awale because you feel you are losing time again. youu know that’s a lie too. But the liar won’t shush. a verse says to thank my friend, because He is faithful/ You stare at the: “His love endures forever.”

Thank you Jesus for letting me come to brokenness, to know how I hurt you, how you’re grieved. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I keep becoming allured by the memory of Michael, the lust for another man who isn’t mine anymore. You are. You know the desires are deeper than skin. It’s the heart connection I long for. The late night talks beyond my body. I want to see your kindness. The way you are patient & kind. The way you never fail. The way you love me in my smallness.

I am so blind & afraid you could hurt me. And that this longing for a boyfriend, or closer friends, or books makes me more afraid. because i see you in distance and sometimes up close, but you always seem to gone in a flash.

And I can’t strive anymore. You aren’t going to see me anymore than you already do. I’m already freaking out about sharing all this. But please, have mercy on me I’m such a mess who longs for the gentle touch of your love.

(wow..)

Love Me Until I’m Empty Apology

Here I go,

again down the rabbit hole.

Burying myself in tears undeserving

my cries: Jesus, I am drowning in my

dreams coming now to wake me.

I’ve been Noah, but my boat hasn’t

been filled with two of every animal,

but self condemning lie. Yahweh,

I hear the garbage in my mind.

You are unworthy of this gift

He’s given you. He’ll take away

if you don’t make enough money.

You know why everyone’s barely

talking to you? They see your sin.

You had to declare it to the world.

Now, you’re ugly. You should be

diving in right now. Go on. You may

not be afraid, but it’s not like God’s

listening or watching. We both know

you’re lonely and numbness is best

company when you can’t escape

me. You see this every night, might

as well join in and die in your own

personal way. Not literally, no, but

your flesh needs a fill. How about

I bargain with you? Ninety-three

percent goes to me, and six percent

goes to this Friend you can’t see.

I want all of your clear view

obstructed, so you’ll be lonely.

What you’re used to anyway.

Forever.

Jesus, I know Your hands bear

this prayer I can’t thank You for,

other than cry my disbelief, looking

out at the moonless night.

This is love, isn’t it? Where I am a

mess, but You see no less than my

radiant beauty?

I do not have to condemn myself,

but oh, how easy it is when loveless

tongues remark with seeded heart.

Baiting you worm after worm,

snickering as you finally bite.

You smile, defending yourself

against the weakness known.

Sensitive. Emotional.

A human weeping willow.

I know that’s a lie because You wept

on a cross for every carrier of stone,

breaking Your body, so I could relax

my shoulders’ effort to work myself,

a warrior child fighting to be seen

Beloved.