can’t wait for what’s next.

I hear that song

from last season,

last year when I was

bent on dreaming of

a slow love from someone

who in the end was only

deceiving. Lord, the lyrics

still ring true: my heart is

struggling not to get hurt

again, not to cower in fear

again because I’m open &

vulnerable & broken & healing.

I want love in this season from

a man who also knows he’s

healing – but we are committed to

loving You and living out Your

love from now until You call us

home. I

Prompt from fmf: slow. + another of writing a poem about how you feel after listening to a song. So mine was slow by shy martin thanks to shuffling.

You are sure in the details, Lord. Thank you for always encouraging me + keeping me close + healing me like no one else through ways I’m not expecting.

warm away the sorrow 

  

And all that I can do is just converse with you/back against the cross of grace is nothing new.” A thief & three nails–Matthww Mole

The words underneath the lips (which kind of look like a sinking ship) say: Jesus, you don’t need me but you want me–lost, tired, & daily face to face with my depravity – 

I kept trying to draw whatever comes into my head for a different song, but I was called back to this one. I can’t draw lips or mouths. And I find myself continuously drawing suns and bodies of water. I think I must envision that grace. What I will never wrap my head around, but slowly becoming enchanted by. 

His want to love me.

the shine i long stay

if we sat on rooftops tonight

i’d let my praise fall out like

fireworks fourth of julys my

ears never handle well. What

a friend in you, Jesus, knowing 

you call me by name: twinklepants.

a star among millions you hold 

between your wings. as I spread 

clumsy words from my lips. 

“let me hear your ravished heart.”

a smile meeting troubled gaze,

what made you smile most today?

“his 5 minute stare down at my art. i felt the flush of wine I’ve never drank, bread untouched my lips. yet, i was fed. joy.”

You met me, your, the bridegroom. No fox beard tail came inside that vineyard.

“i was beloved. seen. burning light hidden.”

sweet is the sound of silence where attention is given to the seeds planted.

“there are so many thorns inside love’s garden. A prick draws a wound tears only seek to salt. how I wish flowers would grow.”

oh darling. I know. You have to trust to be alone with you, petals will sprout forth.

“why does being satisfied in you scare me so?”

because I’m waking the parts of you long abandoned that are everything i love about my little girl.

God knows, i do now

i have fallen
off the face
of the earth,

she notices
my lacking speech.
i wonder if she imagined

my body falling into laughing,
giggly waters i lend sorrow.
or my shoulders pressed

forward/back against
harsh cement: life can
suffocate, make you

squint a glimpse
at burning gas
we call stars.

i tell dreams
i’m inside
drowning.

i’m weeping
& you are
pulling me

away. from
sadness. i
thank your

standing
beside me,
even before

i wept over
a lightless
body who

carried blues
i can’t pretend
i don’t know—

come tell me, child

when she said
you’re waiting
with open ears—

a mailbox of sorts,
patient for my letter,
i was dumbfounded.

i tell the whole world
heartbreak, curious
why they don’t have

answers. then i hear–

FMF Prompt: when. (Yes, i know i posted a few hours ago about wanting a break…but i started today by talking to Jesus about all of my heart. So, i’m feeling okay right now. Also, I’ve come to the realization prayer is definitely my word for this year. And i’ve never had a word of the year.. and i wrote this in 5 minutes. it’s a pretty half thought.)

when i’m mess, heart in mouth

I spilled my heart last night. I woke up today, God, *rant of epic proportions* Mostly, why this boy let me be a complete mess: telling him i don’t know how to be friends with a guy. I don’t want to get hurt, as my previous relationship of “first love.” I’ve never been just friends with a guy.

I’ve always wanted a boyfriend. (I love publicly admitting this..) I know that now, with both these boys I’ve had relationships with. Cayne (who I talked to last night) has known me since elementary school. Our relationship was hand holding, sitting together, and camp. And we talked on the phone a few times during the school week. We both have Cerebral Palsy and this camp was for anyone with disabilities..Everyone knew about us at this camp and would tease us and called us cute. Our first dance, we swung hands. I don’t know why, but I remember he wore a baseball like uniform  and I had a french. His smile was beautiful. Still is.

Fast forward to Michael (“first love”) who met me in high school and dated 4 years long distance. We met in a chat room the school had and were dating a week after. 30 minute phone conversations turned text messages of hopes, dreams, wishes, and 2 times a year seeing  And that turned to nothing, but a crushing of my soul. This poem explains that.

I don’t remember when Cayne and I got together. I broke his heart. I remember him crying. Everything faded away and I moved onto Michael, who I broke up with once (because I couldn’t let go the first time). And he did the second time. Both over the phone. Both leaving me completely void. It was Taylor Swift for weeks & sobbing to my mom about how stupid I was. When actually God saved me. My purity. (Even though when I think of when I let him touch me other than hands, it was impure.) But God is faithful i rescuing his beloved.

After Michael broke up with me, I couldn’t understand why I was comfortable trying to keep him around. When he never saw beyond an end. When we weren’t friends in the beginning, Cayne and I weren’t either, We knew little things about each other, but not what you learn years of being friends before anything else. And remembering how I hurt him, I don’t deserve to be his friend. Or why he’d want to be my friend. But, last night was a flood of forgiveness.

From God.  Staring into his face and hearing him say: You are forgiven. Stop trying to process this, please. Of course I still want to be friends with you. And I blink back. This shouldn’t be. But he doesn’t leave. And all I want to do is cry.

I don’t want to post this. I’m seriously confused. And everything in my life emotion-wise is way too much. But maybe this will help someone else. Prayers would be appreciated. Maybe for rest and to stop thinking for awhile… and about this. And life ub general.

_________________________________________

two a.m.
heart falls
off my sleeve—

we never had
the chance
to be fronds.

we branded
ourselves boyfriend/
girlfriend, without clue

what commitment entails.
he says whenever he was
around me, he felt comfortable.

i say i freak out talking to guys—
a boy broke my heart because
my appearance was better

than myself as a whole.
“wow! i’m guessing you
don’t talk to him anymore.”

“no. he’s married & has
a child.” “well good for him,
i guess.” “i don’t know

why i told you all that.”
“it’s funny how you said
i never tried get anything

from you. because i didn’t.
i simply enjoyed your company..”
“i’m not used to that. blah blah.

i laid under these wiite blankets”
God, i let my guard down. you
kept breathing out my guilt,

even as i spoke breaks.
i dont know why you keep
bringing me back innocence.

why i overthink, overanalyze—
watch me cry, why forgive me
when i’ve spent this morning

convinced i’m dreamt. this isn’t a dream, God—
a wonder at how a childhood boyfriend
dares me believe friendship could be-

Eve’s Eden

“Why do we have desiderium?” I said.
“You wanted the world.” He said truthfully.
“It was an apple. A Macintosh, I think. You said any fruit, except from the Tree of knowledge of good and evil. The serpent came out nowhere and told me I’d gain wisdom. Why wouldn’t I want that?” I said, suddenly exasperated.
“What do you know you didn’t know before?” He asked.
I don’t want to answer this question. He already knows. He’s going to rub this in my face. Everyone else has. Especially Adam.
“I’m not finite. I AM infinite. As is My forgiveness. You can tell Me.” He reassured.
“Shame. Shame for believing that stupid serpent. Shame for taking the apple. Shame for giving some to Adam. Shame for eating some, then covering myself with fig leaves. You called and I hid myself away. Shame for not believing You. I was beautiful all along, wasn’t I?”
“Yes, my love.”
“I’m sorry for not trusting You. Overwhelm me in Your love. These people, things I place over You, have left me tired. Frightened my time is ending soon. You won’t stay or I will wander far away. I want more time with You, but I’m guilty of such a crime, unbelieving Your love for me. I know that’s why I’m restless. Why I’m nervous to look You in the eyes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You may leave me.”
“Shh. My darling. Put your hand in my side. Stop doubting & believe. I love you. As surely as the sun will rise, I will not leave, nor forsake thee. I AM your heart’s desire. I have a hand on time, just as I have on you. I will fulfill you. Don’t rush, let’s go slow.”
“You’re going to let me back in the garden?”
“I’m your garden.” He laughed, taking my hands in His, with a kiss to my forehead.

Look, It’s A Cold!

“What is that?”
“It’s a plane.”
“Oh. I thought it was the FBI sending out a cold.”
“Wait. What about cold?”
“I said, it sounds like the FBI sending out a secret code.”

A keypad code like doo dee doo.
Random dialing with a dial tone.

9 9 niner, we found them, we’re going in.

Not before Darth Vador greets them at the door with a friendly question.

How are you?

We all know he’s not their father,
so why ask such a strange question.

The FBI can’t compete with a light saber, so they’ll retreat without further investigation.

I watch the plane
get smart flying on
to report back to the inspector
with more gadgets than stars have wars.

Author’s Note: This is what happens when you have a conversation about a plane flying overhead, but hear it is/has a cold and something about the FBI. Then you turn it into Darth Vador living with you and making sure they leave you alone. Yes, I know it’s odd, but also hilarious. 🙂 You know, just normal adult conversations turned story. 😉

With this, We part

This is my klatsch-
a gathering trees,
myself & You.

I am the weakest among us,
so You say without mistake:
Go first, My child.

I don’t understand praise.
I sing, Your name heavy
on my lips, but my heart
will not lift from this obstacle.

Other voices proceed advice.
They say, go right & left.
I forget Your presence hemmed before and behind, love songs
filling my worried head.

I am tired.

These trees stand erect,
branches covered green
in this dying August,
holding Your promise
silently up to the sky.

What is it?

You laugh loudly,
shaking the greenery to hilarity.
In agreement You say:

Joy trusting Me.

Yes, but they can’t see You.
They don’t have eyes as I do.

Silly girl, look at how I made them.
The trunk, sturdy, the branches
raised up & out. Know why?

Faith is what is unseen,
not what our eyes perceive.

I make Myself known
each silent groan,
waiting with barren arms,
face forwarding with compassion,
to once again woo my Beloved.

Morning

On this porch swing,
I am alone, save birdsong
and the weepies singing
about the world spinning
madly on.

Now, the song has changed-
when I’m with You, Heaven
comes closer, my breathes
sacred. Jesus. Sweet refrain.

And here again another.
You are gazing, compassion
befallen Your face. I don’t understand.

I have come to strengthen you
with raisins. The best for My
Beloved. I wish to hear of your morning.

I am self-pity full. I wish to run
with nowhere to go. I’m afraid
my dreams have no hope being
fulfilled.

I spend hours writing my guilt,
my need, my want, fear, shame.
I’m confused because these voices
won’t quiet. Yours is overshadowed
so easily.

I have drawn you in love. Sit here, I will hold you close. Deliverance
is in My hands. Hold them. Never let go.