the weight of it all.

Lord, won’t you come

on this swing with me?

Sway me back & forth 

With the breeze, but please 

don’t let this motion be like 

my dreams. Always hanging 

in the balance of my maybe..

I hear the birds singing, telling 

each other, how come she doesn’t yet 

believe all the Lord

Does above, in between and below, is love 

her? Or maybe they are giggling from a 

joke,

But oh Jesus, my heart is starting to know

fmf: play.

This poem could’ve been more about the fact I want to go sit on a swing set with Jesus (even though I’m pretty sure, no I know he’s on the porch swing right now with me.) but instead it’s about a dream I’ve been longing for that maybe was reawakened this week. It’s mystified me and made my heart all excited at the thought. Way too excited. I broke more this week and Jesus has held me. 

I also learned an awesome attribute about Jesus: Sovereignty  of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure. I’m in Ezekiel in my bible in year reading plan (a little more than half way done! Also makes me way too happy since it’s my first time. I’m gonna throw myself a party at 75 or a hundred percent. And dance to Ellie Holcomb.) and Sovereign keeps popping up a lot. I know that means God is in control, but I love finding this definition, that God does things for his own good pleasure. And then I find that pleasure has a synonym of “delight.” It’s hilarious because it’s my word this year. 😂 I love the way God does this. Love it. Sweeps in.

Speaking of delight: 

I got this candle in the mail yesterday and can’t wait to light it. My sister got it for me in a smaller size 2 birthdays ago and haven’t been able to quit it. I love that it’s called joy and laughter. I want so much of that in my life lately. 

Fill me up, Jesus. Oh please.

Love, revive me so.

my God,

how you meet

me here with quiet

& confidence that comes

From your word: you will

give me strength, refine

me in the furnace of affliction 

so I may come forth as gold–

Lord, I long to be shiny again,

with laughter’s tears, not grief 

stricken with thoughts all this 

will always be the same. 

fmf: refine.
Something is happening to me. On the outside I’m still up & down, but my inside is randomly feeling some serious joy. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I want to. The more things become confusing the more I find myself being drawn to be still, to listen to him sing. To pour out my heart. He’s amazing with how he’s bringing verses back to me and how other songs with his word keep playing in my head almost like they’re on a loop. 

And then there’s this yesterday: 

I haven’t colored in my bible in so long. So when I opened to this other day, I was all smiley and ooh! And then wanted to color yesterday. God is stopping at nothing to be alone with & I just want to suck up all his words. All the ones that lift my soul. And all the melodies he leads me to. The hardest thing for me is watching how I still run to other people and want to share my joy or want them to fix my sorrow. But I’m learning the more I turn to him even just a bit, he’ll hold me still and comfort me. Waiting is hard. Especially when it feels like all your dreams are dying and a part of you is watching them go and another trying to hold on. 

But your heart knows it’s better to be still and know He is God. He will be exalted over all and keep the fire in your soul.

waters You stilled.

Jesus, here i am,
wanting more & 

less, but more Your

hand. Pull me back

or forward into Your

arms again-the only

arms strong enough 

to hold me. Let Your

banner enfold me with

a love song I can hear 

from miles wide-let my

cry be calm
fmf: middle.

This week. It has felt like many late night crying to God. Crying because I miss friends and want to do so many things, but so thankful for who He’s put in my life. who listen & tell me sweetest truth: relax. When I’m watching myself go down the prove myself going to lose everything track, this song speaks into the truth I’m trying to embrace. To make space to wait and see and breathe and hope even though that’s the hardest thing it feels like right now. When I’m so tired because my mind is racing with dreams and fears that maybe I’m a little crazy not to push harder. But then a book reminds me what God has for me won’t miss me and his word says:

He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. (‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭3‬ NLT)

And this today: But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

(Isaiah 40:31, NLT)

I’ve heard this second verse in a song (so much laughter at the of this video, love it.) and I’m feeling like I need literal strength, but what can I praise him for in the meantime? Halos, those little tangelos that are easier to peel and so yummy. A taco, egg drop soup, crab ragoon and a fortune cookie that told me last night the rainbows treasures would be mine (I’m thinking god’s faithfulness instead of gold) from my sister. A friend who texts you questions and random pics of things that make you laugh because God is good at holding things together in heart even if there’s distance physically. Another friend reminding you all is well even if your heart wants to convince you otherwise. Good books. Sompingme (The silliness between me and my mom and the way a smile will well up in my heart and then spread across my mouth at this word, 😍). Prayer. That God listens, hears, sees and promises he is doing something new even if it’s hard to preceive and I want it right now. That he loves me right here, right now in the middle.

Abba?

Five minutes 

is all takes for me

to look out the window

& see a butterfly pass 

by to the left — another

flies to the right. It’s an 

an invisible X marks the spot,

I am the seal upon Your heart.

The one You are jealous, whom

brings You delight–do I really,

fmf: five.

I originally wanted to write this about how it takes five minutes to sing to God. I changed it because writing to music means sometimes losing yourself in a song.. 

I love how if I stare out the window here at the table long enough butterflies will fly by, or do nose dives. Yesterday, one was flying really close to the window and stopped in the middle for a few seconds. Like it was looking at me, waving, “Julia! How are you doing?” And keeps going..

It is momentary delights that keep me hanging on during a week of temptation and a question to give up my dreams. Dreams that are still there but the motivation isn’t right. It is weird when you find yourself crying over a friend going after something you want, and all you want to do is rejoice but jealousy  has reared it’s ugly head. I hate with every fiber of my being, this jealousy. It convinces me there is not enough and there will never be so don’t you even try. But the beauty is this friend continues to encourage you on the path God clearly has you AND still asks for your help with her dreams.

And you sit there: God, I want to REALLY rejoice, not be all woe is me. And I still want to help. God, why does dying to self have to hurt so much? 

What is happening with my dreams?

And what is with the word ‘delight’ coming up everywhere?

And with all the random that are my thoughts, the word has been consistent either a bit before or after I read this in Breathing Eden by Jennifer J Camp. This book is so healing and there is no way I’ll be done by the release, Oct. 4th. But there is a depth in bein able to connect with 40 fictional women and have God’s responses somehow speak to you in some way every time, that is just wow. I feel this intimacy with God and just being able to let lose with a prayer at the end of every story. It’s so good.

This concludes my rambles for today.

from all over the globe

For over a year & some 

I have jumped. Into the 

opportunity to be a part 

of something bigger than me–

the emotions of pure joy & panic have 

volleyed for my heart. & there i would 

find

myself reaching beyond my own ability to 

accomplish what 

I set out to do – launch another’s words 

out into the world, with new friends 

linking arms as we became a team, full

of love 

fmf: team.

Today, I saw this prompt and became somewhat panicked. I quietly thought to myself that God is trying to tell me something. This poem is about the joy & and frustration (that I put on myself..) I’ve had in being apart of launch teams for author’s books. For the last year and some, I’ve had the privilege of helping them get their words out in the world and make some beautiful friends along the way.

I never even knew book launch teams was a real thing until my lovely friend, Trisha had signed up for one, told me about it and thought to myself, God, I want to do that! (I was a little afraid and whiny, as in I never thought He’d let me..) Clearly, He knows my heart because He keeps bringing opportunities. I’ve not understood this, only that there’s a joy & excitement each new one. And I always think, yayy! I get to read another book! But it slowly turns to me sharing my heart and making friends. And trying to figure out how I will summarize a book in a way that someone might be interested in. 

Here’s where I try to explain the fear in my heart. Yesterday, my bestie for the restie (my phone corrected that to rescue 😂), put a thought into my head: what about a book launching specialist? And all these thoughts come flooding: what? Does that mean I have to gather a team and be a leader? I don’t know how to lead. And what do I just read an author’s book and come up with a plan and like those forms you fill out to get people to join? And God why does this make me so excited but my chest is all: panic!!

And in between saying all this to God, finding things for my resumé for Megan (because she is awesome and making things a little more professional for me since I have no idea what I’m doing.) and fixing a new page under Publications, of the books I’ve helped launched so far (Megan made this too. Seriously. She needs a cake pop for all this work.) this verse popped in my head:

Romans 8:32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 

I read in a commentary that God gave Jesus freely. Without hesitation. Without money. Because He wanted to bless us. 

And then I have to think, because this goes way over my head, like I can’t wrap my mind around it, He will give me everything I need to do this? I don’t have to push and try to do it in my own strength?

Oh, to rest in this.

I need serious prayers. I want to do this so much. I feel like God is confirming this since my mom told me I should try it in March. 

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him. Ps. 91:15

Help, Lord.

without use

yes, I know
Your goodness
& mercy have sought
me up until this day.
Jesus, the nightmare
that came with a gun
feet away from my heart—
did You hold me closer
because it is just a dream?
right? i don’t know how to drive,
let alone control my own life.
the family & friends told me good
bye, while I tried gripping the break,

fmf prompt: yes. dreams that pay out parts of your life where you’ve felt out of control, which apparently is every single area. and you’re crying to someone to help, but he’s holding a gun, so you crawl to a public bathroom and a bathroom and hide. you get happy texts from a friend saying she’d love to see you & you should get food, but this is a emergency: you didn’t listen to another friend and now her car is damaged and you didn’t mean to hit the break.

you don’t even now how you switched to the driver’s seat and how you almost jumped out to save yourself from oncoming traffic. and how did the car wind up forward? across the street? Must be God. And in the bathroom an older lady finds you in the stall and says: talk slower, sweetie. WHY DONT YOU GO BACK TO GOD! HIS WORD! HE’S THE ONE! and she sounds mad and you’re backing away until you disappear into the wall.

the weird thing is ever since I was young, I’ve had a reoccurring dream, i’m rolling backwards down an exit ramp, until crash into a water tower we used to live by. everything goes black always. i know it’s either because i want to control my life or i feel out of control. i’m really feeling both . i’ve even been telling God I know i don’t have it  but i don’t understand why envy won’t leave me, why when i’m most off my guard or i i spend time with You, the Devils all, look what you don’t have, hahahahaha!

And God says, You’re still in my presence. I’m wisely and tenderly (with major emphasis on this) leading you. then i start to cry or stare off and wonder if I’ve lost it completely. Sigh. I need Him so much/

*all below the poem is crazy rambles and not part of the fmf prompt*

because there is no law to love

i dream i awake
to darkest room—
i squint for light,

in fear i am alone.
breath won’t come
easy in my lungs—

a distant white
flashes close,
walking edge

of my bedside.
& then gone.
i thought for sure

your presence,
or this angel
would stay a little

longer, but i awake
to the setting sun
only to sleep until

12 am, where
want of his kiss
comes heavy as

secondhand smoke
breathed in into the lung.
i laid, letting myself tell you,

God, i can do this. i am
fine. i am not going to—
but in my mind, i am

begging him, kiss
me again. it is raining
& i want him to pull over

& my hand is reaching
down for the apple, hold
my breath, hear you whisper

stop. i ignore you until
i swallow & ask forgiveness
again, without ounce of guilt
til i’m crying over a remembrance
of us in a field, apprehensive of your
laughing. in love with me after i betrayed

you—i hate fleshy indulgence i die to,
finding myself in a casketed self-hatred
blinding me to love you gave, give

without consent.