I love how that was timed. You knew I was going to look at that and have the memory of not knowing my place, leaving school and feeling like a failure all over again. It’s true though. I do. I have no drive or passion but to go one on one with people, as in friendship but not something I want to work toward to give me some money. It would be nice to be able to read again without becoming totally bored. I’m not with Your Word, but it took me forever the other day to finish a chapter of The Book Thief. I hope that doesn’t happen with The Shack. Please help me.
And then I read this in the plan about Your favor: “The Spirit Himself testifies and confirms together with our spirit [assuring us] that we [believers] are children of God.”
ROMANS 8:16 AMP
And all I see in my head is You placing Your hand on my shoulder, telling me You love me. Or maybe it’s just the hand. And then in the next verse it says how I’m co heirs with You and if I suffer, I will also share in Your glory. I get it with the suffering. I do. It helps me see You in ways I wouldn’t be able to if things were all hunky dory. Really there is a better phrase other than ‘hunky dory’ but it’s what came to me.
But I wouldn’t mind some days of hunky dory or for me to be excited. Which I am about reading The Shack with Kallayah and getting cupcakes when I finish reading all of Your Word at the end of the year. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m so focused and pumped on finishing it. But I am. Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t really hitting it for me this year. Then again, holidays always seem to be a bit harder every year. But you’ve put some awesome friends in my life that remind me of Your presence and the atmosphere of the family changes a little on the day.
God, I just want to see this, to know it: When you know you are loved, and you know who you call family, and you know your name is Daughter, Beloved, Chosen One, you can rest, and you can live, and you can be free.
This from the loop devotional. I need help knowing I am loved. Please please please. And resting in it. I know I’ve seen glimpses but I need more. And it’s hard right now. I feel like a crazy emotional person who can’t give as much as she’d like to, who really wants to rest. Sleep. And then wake up, I wonder what God has for me today! But that last part isn’t me. Because if we are going to be honest, I wake up like, ugh what? Need to get dressed. God, pants. Shoes. Okay. I’m going to sit here and stare into space.
And then I come up here, sit at the table and work through oatmeal and tea. And look at stuff. And then start thinking, wonder if Sarah will bring coffee? She has been awesome and so kind with the randomly (You are never random) bringing me coffee. And it makes me think of one of my soul sisters-Hollie. Pretty much every time. And we know what I’m getting Sarah for Christmas now. But honestly, that and wanting a friend to just text me. Or come over and just sit with me. But I think I’d be delirious either way.
And yes I know so much wanting and mememe. But I love that You are okay with it. I only have enough space for some people right now and even that is a challenge. And maybe it’s not so much about me but to experience with these friends. One who is right now floating in my memory.
You know, when I said sometime in the car to, savor the Saviour. Yep. I don’t remember exactly why I said it. I’m pretty sure I smiled though. I think I thought it was funny, how it came out of nowhere. Or You. It’s been rolling around in my head though. How this year has been a deep savoring. Or complaining. Or fear. But I want to savor Your love. So,
Thank you for no spider dreams. Thank you for the oatmeal. And the pears. And the chai tea. And the sun. And the devotional that made think of some friends. And getting to the book of Galatians. And my moo who let me complain this morning. And this jacket.
I need you.
your tender haired girl
previous letter for Letter From A Tender Haired Girl found here.
And to know more about Loop, click here. (It’s really good stuff.)