Lord, I am
weak, as I watch
myself turn a shade
of sorrow, blue for what
will be missing soon. But,
what does that matter when
I have You? When I can tell You
my greatest fear–to be taken home
before my time, before I am ready. It’s
taking away of my ability to give birth.
But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel
tears willing spill. But the perspective
needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean
heavy upon the shoulder who
gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I
want to be
dance the way I see in my head. I want to
be brought to
I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set.
I’ve been coloring in my bible most of the day:
Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)
It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this:
I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.
I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:
1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.
2. The lunchable offered by my dad
3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.
4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.
5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)
6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.
7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.
8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).
9. Avocado sandwiches.
10. Skit Guys new podcast!
11. Sunshine in my eyes.
12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋 (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.