life again.

Lord, I am 
weak, as I watch 

myself turn a shade 

of sorrow, blue for what

will be missing soon. But,

what does that matter when 

I have You? When I can tell You

my greatest fear–to be taken home

before my time, before I am ready. It’s 

taking away of my ability to give birth. 

But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel 

tears willing spill. But the perspective 

needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean 

heavy upon the shoulder who

gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I 

want to be 

dance the way I see in my head. I want to 

be brought to 
Fmf: weak.

I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set. 

I’ve been coloring in my bible most of the day: 

Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)

It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this: 

I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:

1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.


2. The lunchable offered by my dad

3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.

4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.

5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)

6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.

7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.

8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).

9. Avocado sandwiches. 

10. Skit Guys new podcast!

11. Sunshine in my eyes.

12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋  (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.

look up, my friend

a deer pants, 
water, water!
so my soul

thirsts for word, 

dispelling any want 
other than you,

my God. where 

can I go to speak 
about these tears

finding no reply day

or night–
where is your God?

the accuser asks me.

What I remember out

on this rocking chair,
the end of a summer 

alone in an apartment, 

singing along with Jamie Grace,
“Give me that, give me that 

the way you show Jesus.”

over & over, with a joy 
coming around Christmas.

Why so sad, my soul? Why 

fret within me? God is with us,

He will not fail those who are hopeful

in him.

For you know the intimate 

ways he’s loved you today:

the cinnamon apple puffs

she placed in the cart, 

chocolate chip cookies 

placed before you. “Here, Julia.

Have a cookie.” 

The way he wrapped you in a hug & genuinely 

thanked you for the food

you weren’t sure you could afford.

My soul, you are downturned, 

remember your God! from present,

past to future, He is faithful!

Deep calls deep, Lord, in your

waterfalls–all the waves & breakers 

have swept over me.

By day, God directs his love,

at night his song is with me–

hallelujah, to the God of life.

God, I cry, Why have you forgotten 

me? Why must I have nightmares

of the enemy, dragging me to 

depravity? My bones tense at the dark, 

as foes remark, it’s just the 

dark. Why can’t you sleep, God is 

watching you, isn’t he?

Why so sad, my soul? Why 

fret within me? God is with us,

He will not fail those who are hopeful

in him.