life again.

Lord, I am 
weak, as I watch 

myself turn a shade 

of sorrow, blue for what

will be missing soon. But,

what does that matter when 

I have You? When I can tell You

my greatest fear–to be taken home

before my time, before I am ready. It’s 

taking away of my ability to give birth. 

But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel 

tears willing spill. But the perspective 

needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean 

heavy upon the shoulder who

gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I 

want to be 

dance the way I see in my head. I want to 

be brought to 
Fmf: weak.

I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set. 

I’ve been coloring in my bible most of the day: 

Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)

It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this: 

I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:

1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.


2. The lunchable offered by my dad

3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.

4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.

5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)

6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.

7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.

8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).

9. Avocado sandwiches. 

10. Skit Guys new podcast!

11. Sunshine in my eyes.

12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋  (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.

in love with hello

she said,
I cannot feel
Your love. God,
in my heart. my
bones are chilled,
as if soup’s been
left out too long
& I sip from spoon
because I am fine.
You see through me,
not ignorantly, no.
the way I imagine
You’ve looked at me
unformed—with intent
absent shun I cast on’
myself, because it is
easier than admitting
I would like to fall

one of the lies the Devil’s been whispering in my ear lately: Are you sure that’s from God? Could be a trap… He has me second-guessing every person who comes into my life life. He whispers that they could hurt me and they’re lying to you, so be afraid. Don’t trust.

But God keeps whispering: Do not be afraid, I’m your sun & shield & I’m protecting you, whom I withhold no good thing from because I sent My Son, whose walk was blameless, for you. So you go ahead & be broken. I am with you, even as you are dismayed  I will strengthen you, uphold you with my righteous right hand. I care for you. I am guiding & blessing you./

There’s no shame anymore, My child. I know how hard you are on yourself, but I didn’t intend striving to be how You find me. I don’t care about perfect efforts. The heart I see behind the skin is tired. You must rest in My arms. Speak to Me and I will listen. Even as you are quiet, I understand the groans within. Don’t worry, I will provide your needs always & the desires of your heart I delight in..

Patience, My child. I’ve kept track of the tears you’ve cried & I promise I haven’t forgotten about you. Your name’s inscribed on my palm: Julia. my fair haired one, your joy will be again. You will sure as the sun, smile again,. I promise.

Love, Your Daddy

or must salt make my bed?

resistance, the snare
a serpent delights chaining
my foot within. i scream,

desert father, please,
i only meant to share
Your name, the mighty

strength of Love I can
not comprehend—
stooping low with

a touch of light
against my hand,
where I became broke

end. embarkation
to a home now foreign
ground. I sat at the table

with McDonald’s, turning
round to see her presence
gone—finally preset with you,

Lord. I am not the original
space fan, one to like distance
between—the little bird separated

by the window & myself rise
with healing on Your wing,
garment of praise for this

sorrow sackcloth. am I
to be the oak planted
for Your splendor?

Your words remain
as I cry in this season
of rain. may I hear

the processional
once again, a
hallelujah extend

a long way, to these
watery ears? to lift
my spirit up again,

Dear Jesus, thank you for musicians like this. The way he sings Your Word does something to my insides. The honesty and love for you is evident. Please continue blessing his music, his life. And Josh, thank you for your inspiring music 🙂 It’s been quite awhile since I wrote a poem to song titles, but this one just fell out. out of my eyes & heart. I think it may be one of my favorites.

where My face will shine

do not be afraid,
God tells Abram—

(whispered in this heart)

for I will protect you

(wrap me up in eternal
arms never to withhold))

and your reward will be
great.

how will I know?

(doubt sobs through
my bones, looking in
the mirror, weakness
shows—

count the stars, if you can,
says the Lord to this soon
to be father of many nations.

(their beauty leaves a heart
burn I will never understand,
but is this what you experience

my God, Abba, Friend, gazing
my sorrow?) these will be your
descendants. Abram believed

(does this desires of my will be
granted. too?)

I AM the Lord , who rescued

you from Ur (valley of Achor)
& brought you to this land

as an unlikely home

I woke up today & my eyes were hurting & then it all just kinda went down from there. I think I may be coming out of my numbness a bit that I’ve this year. I sure know how to cry. That’s what I’ve done/felt like doing the last few hours. You know those times you don’t understand why Jesus bothers to stay with you? Or loves you because your heart keeps coming open, which then leads you to talk about how Jesus has saved you? and then you’re sharing how you want to follow God with someone? And you despise your honesty..but it’s the truth you don’t want to admit it, until you do.

And then you tell God, you hate your honesty, because deep down you don’t know if it’ll happen or if you want that. and you weep because sometimes the thread of hanging and the promise of God to Abram, about God protecting him, leaves you gasping and staring in the mirror, with your mind screaming, I’m sorry Jesus! over and over.

yep, one of them those days. (i love the raw honesty in the version..feeling it deep today)

as I die to me

our Father in heaven,
this morning over french toast,
I lost control—change comes
without announcement, &

i scream, no, no, no!
i want to hold on, even
as I cry, hallowed still
is Your name. foe every

loss brings me wait
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done—
love move closer

on earth as in heaven
(eternal light, love, no
update) give me this say
my piece of daily bread.

do not conform to this
(wanting, wanting, wanting)
world. who here wants things
the same? oh, me & the old

say no to newfangled technology.
i remember the days she spent
talking tot a friend through
the cordless about family,

weather, news, recipes
she loved being around
family—I saw the way
her blue eyes sparkled

truth quiet: holiness
lies in the facial,
reaching out with
a tissue because

your heart aches.
forgive me my anger,
as i forgive those who
hurt me—lead me not

to fear, a deliver me
from lies I warrant belief—
all change is sorrow.
for Yours is the power

to help me accept good
You wish fill my hands
& heart, hoping I bring
You forever glory

I’ve learned today I’m still a child who doesn’t like change.even good change, my body and my brain are: NO JULIA HOLD ON TO ALL THINGS! YOU CAN DO IT!  And my heart is quiet.I can’t hold onto all. people go. words go. places chane. everything is seasonal & my heart knows that. i think it also doesn’t process immediate change well. even if the change is good, i’m like: I don’t know…

i need help embracing the good, instead of: oh, this is horrible, now I have less. what do I do?! Something I think Jesus makes room in my life for goodness physically, so I will open my eyes, hands to his love.

also, this poem was written after i updated my iOS which was updated in March. so I lost some stuff like messages and apparently pictures I’m going to have to go through and delete again. In a way, this reminds me of my smallness and Jesus’ promise: Don’t fear, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged or dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And I have to take Him at His world, the One unchangeable.

let the evil pass from me 

I doubt I can sit

at your table with 

A straight face because

Jesus, the leaves before me
& so does their love and I want 

to cry. How do you look in my eyes 

And see the light you give me, 

burning to make this right? My 

inside screams the groans you keep. 

The ones incoherent. I am a sinner 

who is learning quiet submission to 

**fmf: doubt. This is the second poem I’ve written this week that’s made me well inside. I haven’t written poetry like this in a long time. Also, I thought today was Thursday..