foggy but my heart is thankful

I sit in the not so quiet

with You—a lawn mower

is running to my right, birds

are chirping in the distance—

everything is loud & I’m still

holding onto a truth, an opposite

of a lie, he’s one man, not all.

even if I can’t fully believe this

now, yet, I fully expect You to

show me how, Lord. You are

faithful even now in this miracle

yet to unfold. My head is

Prompt: quiet.

11/13/18

//

Day 125

//

Father,

I can’t see

What You are doing.

The sky is dark &

Rain is pouring,

But I will not say,

“go away.” because

I know this is blessing:

The eggs & beans, the

way Dad makes tea the only 

Way I will drink it—with lots

Of brown sugar & milk, The

Way I watch him make me 

InLaugh over songs on the radio

Like he did when I was young.

The way he gives me almonds

& cheese curds—the two bowls

Of chili & kit kat bars when I am

Least expecting them. It is somewhere 

Between watching the finale of the Great 

British Baking Show or that Match 74 game

Show that I think about him again, what he 

Said, about dad and I having a relationship

& I think, this is it. I feel You so deeply when

We sit together with olives & cheese & pickles

& watching a show I didn’t think Dad would like

Is where I find Your face, And this is what I wish

I could explain to this guy who keeps stealing

my thoughts—do you ever think about the 

Simplest gift we all miss?—it is not the food &

drink—but Jesus’ presence in every face?

In ever sip of that drink? In ever bite before

The swallow? In the silence of not saying

At all, but soaking up the relationships we are

Given at birth? Presence. It is everything. 

But mostly God, I wonder why he keeps

Coming to mind—snippets of conversations 

When I am still & immersed in something

Else. I wonder if he thinks of these 

talks we had—the way I opened myself

up, Jesus, in a way I never knew I could—

I am grateful for him even if all he did 

Was help me see I can be open & make me 

Grateful for what is front of me. I

Still want to talk to him about You

Because I’ve felt that inner fire burning;

The joy of Your love 

& the connection we had,

Sharing about the day,

but all I can see is a dead

end.

11/9/18

//

Day 124

//

Dear God,

Please lift the weight

In my chest—I cant miss him

Anymore. I don’t want to—the

Ache to all him how he is or

Share about going to see Lauren

Daigle—it will not come off the same

As telling a guy who wants to follow

You – and cares my heart in a way I’ve

Yet to experience. It is the waves of

Wondering – is there someone out there

Who wants to pursue me & not as a side

Thing? Will I at some point stop wanting

Him to come to You? The joy of Your love

Even when your heart is aching?  Will this

Get any easier? Why did marriage have to

Be a thing this year? Will You hold me

Close now & bring laughter again & again

Until this is distant & far from my memory?

It is hard, Lord, to sit in this darkness along 

With friends aching — each of us in a distant 

Circle—this hurts but it will get better—we tell

Each other over & over—God has this—can I

Have a listening ear? Will there be a joyful time

At one time where the confetti can explode &

The dancing Ive seen in my dreams will feel as

The best surrender?

I give You this burden

because You promise

You tenderly care for me

& You will lift up my head.

 

fmf: burden.

 

*written some with/without timer because I thought it started, but apparently not. This was a hard one to write, but I’m so thankful for the friends who are there to pick me up & speak truth when it is hard to take because my heart just aches. But there is music and laughter & prayer & a fun game called Red Flags I want to play forever & a Christmas concert: Lauren Daigle’s Behold Tour in December & a fun countdown app another friend showed me. So, no matter how much pain I feel right now, God’s got me under His wings. I’m holding on to that today.

8/24/18

//

Day 113

//

God,

I see the way

You surround me

with Your loyal love –

forgiveness of loans,

books left from a neighbor,

This lemonade, that Blue 

butterfly landing on the driveway 

reminding me 

with its wings to breathe –

in, out. In the way he texts 

me sweet dreams & sends

help to try for looking for a job,

a girl’s night tomorrow. a friend 

making me laugh. The breeze. 

the smell of the flowers. You are close, 

but I’m lost

fmf: loyal 
After writing this poem, I saw a yellow butterfly, white butterfly, and then another yellow one. I know yellow means guidance and now I’m curious what fun and exciting thing is on its way. 

8/10/18

//

Day 111

//

God,

I can’t get the woman 

from the episode of call

the midwife out of my head. 

The way she swayed back 

& forth in that dress. The way 

the guy looked at her as if she 

was all he saw in the crowd of people. 

That isn’t what fully gets me. It’s that 

they both have disabilities, but it doesn’t 

hinder their love. It only seems to deepen 

it. The way they gave themselves to each 

other – even though they weren’t 

married & I’m not a fan of that – 

even though they lost the baby,

even though they were separated, he still 

went to such 

(great lengths to show her she was cared 

for by him, seen. With that sweater and 

that little 

note that said something, but all I saw 

was “love forever, Jacob” – they were in a 

home, but it doesn’t hinder – and now, I 

wonder if it stays or ends. How does it 

endure that kind of distance? Why does it 

get so deep into my heart that it twists 

me up? Maybe because it’s 

showing me what I’m going 

through in my own life to a degree –

a guy who has come back in 

my life unexpectedly & says he 

has always seen me. And I’ve questioned 

it, thought about it, said it. I never 

thought you noticed me. 

He says something like, oh believe me, I 

noticed you. 

& I’m quiet. So much so he

asks if I’m still there. God, 

I’m not saying this will go anywhere, but 

there is something. A kindness,

patience I’ve yet to understand 

between us – I never expected 

to have all these feelings come

up & out – these memories of 

the past of another guy who 

said similar words, but he’s 

not the same: this guy has 

a disability too, so there is

a level of understanding. 

& even though we are miles 

apart, I feel he sees my heart. 

I can’t deny my feelings, 

I couldn’t even if I wanted to. 

But I want us to go slow, let 

a friendship bloom & grow. 

& if You move us into something new 

where You 

let us have a try, I pray it brings 

glory to You. Now & always.) 

fmf: woman. 
Sometimes God will speak to you through a tv show and then you have to write about it because it’s hitting close to your heart. A little too close. And then through a friend sharing a song. And then some more songs. Thank you, God for disarming every fear even as I’m confused. But you’re not confused. You know what You are doing. You are in control. You will guide all of this, whatever this is. You have this. 

And thank You for the Call the Midwife. So so so good.

5/11/18

//

Day 103

//

Jesus,

I don’t know 

what to include 

in this gratitude 

poem – the fog

in my right eye 

makes me wonder 

If I’ve been crying 

but there is no water. 

This week has been 

one where I’ve felt 

the dark, the oppression 

forcing me down, making me 

look at the shadows – but then 

You are there, listening to me tell You it’s

too dark and I’m afraid. But Lord, You are 

faithful 

to bring friends to ask me how I 

am, to pray, to make me laugh 

& remind me even if time has

(passed, Your love for me never 

changes.)

Love, 

Your tender – haired girl. 
Ps. Thank You for dad who apparently thinking about me quite a bit because he saw a j in the sky yesterday that I can’t see still – but from the picture it looks like a girl walking through fire or light with a ponytail and dress, got me a triple Mocha frappe and a little something extra – ghirardelli intense dark chocolate squares. Didn’t ask for them. I know I told You after he left I was going to ask for expresso m&ms because they are good. Really good. But I wanted to wait til Kelly and my girl’s weekend. But it’s just funny how You will surprise me anyway because you want, not just because I have to ask. Thank you. You are kinda doing abundantly more than I’m asking or thinking. We are up to 66 things on that gratitude list. Think You get to 100 or beyond by Wednesday?)
Fmf: include  ( is where timer stopped. 

5/6/18

//

Day 102

//

God,

I would like

to adapt to sitting 

here & getting lost 

in a melody that brings 

back memory – walking 

around her block with the

sunshine or the sun, but 

always knowing on that 

street I had a home where

I was welcomed with chili 

or corn on the cob & Your 

presence penetrating my 

heart. I miss her & I cannot

hide it or the fact I’d like to 

tell about the ways You are 

lavishing Your love while I 

sit here and recover from the

first cataract surgery. I wonder 

if she’d worry. Even though we

can trust You with all t(hings, I felt loved 

through the worry. It’s weird, I know. 

And I’m sure she’d tell me to allow my 

eye to heal, but I’m being rebellious 

because it is hard not tell You thank You 

for being so close to me during this 

recovery. Especially earlier when I sat 

on the floor waiting to see 

if the cat got out while noticing 

a huge bug climb up the wall. 

You must love my exclamations:

That bug is huge! Oh Jesus! Ugh. I felt no 

fear in my heart, but that You were beside 

me, reassuring, it’s okay. She’s down 

there. It’s okay. And I continue to freak 

out, this is going to be my fault. How am I  

going to explain this? You listen. 

I call her again and just when I want to 

lose hope, she comes up and I say, thank 

you, Jesus

Thank you for slowly opening my eyes 

again to how deeply 

You love me, especially when I 

don’t deserve it, doing nothing 

at all. If you could double or triple my 

gratitude list from this week, it would be 

cool. Thank you for always listening and 

making me still to see. 

Love

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I can’t wait for the confetti canon. Seriously. The anticipatory happiness is building like crazy. I can see myself jumping around. )

*( where timer stopped

Fmf: adapt. 

4/27/18

//

Day 100

//

God,

Let me not stay

Stuck in the fear

Of what is to come.

My heart is heavy

For the waiting is

Long. Will I be able to

See any better after they

Remove the film making

The clouds come, grey and

Sometimes black surround?

Will Your kindness abound

Upon the waking up? Before?

Should I keep calling You good

In the meantime? Yes, You are,

Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor

& a song for me to sing along,

my faithful, steadfast God,

friend,

 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl)

 

fmf: stuck

*( where the timer stopped.

 

I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:

  1. Friends praying.
  2. Call the Midwife on PBS. One of the Sisters in the show has cataracts. Even she is a lot older, it’s been reassuring to see how instead of being told, get over it -it’s a routine thing. She is told it is okay to be afraid. And she also says she’d rather live in darkness and bolts out if the doctor’s office when it gets too much. I haven’t bolted, but I’ve told God, can’t You just take them away, please? This is my deepest fear. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled to see how he comforts me after. The Sister had a woman she wound up becoming friends with and Kelly told me she’ll be coming after with a milkshake and a movie that I will gladly watch with one eye. And maybe some confetti? #lastchallengeof100daystobrave
  3. Helping another friend with math. Learning when and where to use the distributive property is SO FUN. I don’t even know I still remember some of this math..but I love  how God is showing me again we need someone to believe in  us& struggle with us and show us, hey, we’re not alone.
  4. Pasta salad for dinner tonight. I am pumped.
  5. Starting A Wrinkle in Time the book with Shannan and Kelly. I’ve already told Shannan time is getting wrinkly. lol day folding into night. the title could inspire a poem.

Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.

4/18/18

//

Day 98

//

God,

Cam we talk about Your extreme kindness last Friday? That word is defining this month, I think. But it started with a MOOOOOOO and ended in I think me asking, Did that really happen? Wow. We were looking at books—a regular thing between Shannan and me— books from audible (way to play this song right now. Now, I’m going to play it again, hahaha.) or OverDrive— what would be best. I remember saying I wanted to read A Wrinkle in Time with Kelly. Seeing it not available at the library & then she says she’ll buy it for me and Kelly and herself, too. And I say we can read it together. If that didn’t stop me in my tracks, the box sure did. 

I couldn’t even open it. I just stared at it. For hours. I’m sorry. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN DURING MY BIRTHDAY. I will not allow it. Let me experience Your joy, Lord. I don’t care what You have to do, but help me receive. But after the box was brought into my room, Shannan asked if I got the mail—the moo mail if You will. I told her I was waiting for Kelly, I think. And that the box was way too big to have just two books in it. She said, Open it!! And well, You know how I struggled with one side of the box and put music on. This song about the kindness of friends came on and I felt a little shaky. Or a lot actually. Because I mean, look:

 

And all I could do was stand there and shake inside and laugh. Because she did not just do that! The books are super shiny (I know there is something in Your Word about the allure of things, but seriously shiny.)

 

I still don’t know what to say about this. It’s like an explosion of kindness. And it has continued this week even though I’m not really feeling great. But I always see You well in these times. The little things. Dad making me grilled cheese and tomato soup yesterday. And the mini peach pie I haven’t eaten yet. But the way he said because it’s your birthday! The joy. And making me ramen with peas and carrots. And 3 new credits to get audiobooks from Nolan. The gardenia tree from mom. Spending time on FaceTime with Raechel and Kallayah. Thank You for them, how they make me laugh. They help me see You are seeing me right here in this valley.

 

Today as I spend time with Sarah (also HUGE BLESSING to be able to hang out with her), help me focus on Your face. Your smile. Help me see and receive Your little surprises. You are good, God. Open my eyes to see how kind You truly are. Be near me.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Laughter would be awesome, too. Thank You.

 

 

 

4/11/18

//

Day 96

//

God,
I heard Your voice far away and close up today. Her gentle words to give it time. It’s okay. And to rest in You today. And the receptionist excited about my middle name. And the woman who took the time to say my birthday was soon before taking blood. I’m sorry for my complainy nature today. Seriously shouldn’t get trippy over letting the dogs out. It’s so easy to get upset or give vent to my anger. When really nothing is that upsetting. It’s just easy. I don’t think I’ve taken notice of the way I can get trippy. So here’s how I am going to change it:

Your favor today:

1. Sarah getting me the venti Java chip frappe and vanilla bean scone (I don’t know how they make it taste good when I thought scones aren’t supposed to be sweet)

2. Hot shower

3. That new light that dad put up that totally pulls out the steam

4. The sun

5. Trisha – I felt like I got to go long distance shopping with her and sip on coffee at the same time. But seriously. I’m thankful she will listen and tell me truth and handle my silence and send happy txt a while I’m at the doctor’s right when I must of been getting blood work. You did it intentionally, didn’t You?

6. Woman who mentioned my middle name – that you don’t get many Lindsay’s with an a.

7. The doctor saying she’ll pray for my cataract surgeries and that people see better after them.

8. The woman who took my blood saying my birthday is soon. It was kind and unexpected.

9. Teri. I love that she shares her life with me. She’s really making me want to watch The Greatest Showman now. But I shall wait.

10. Kristene DiMarco. Her music is lifting my spirits

11. Cookie n Cream cupcakes  Sarah knows me well.

12. Kallayah. I love You for putting us in each other’s lives.

 

And that’s all I got right now. I need sleep. You give rest to Your beloved ones. I really need to take it. As well as receiving Your goodness. Oh and thank You for mom taking me doctor and getting corn and making it and mashed potties. Simple, but good.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Not writing doesn’t do it for me. At all. I feel better.