won’t stop you anyway. 

Jesus,

pave the way 

so I may see

myself through Your

eyes, help me accept

Your love. Let me open

my arms and embrace You.

You are wonderful and faithful 

to woo me beyond my every no. 

Don’t let me go – let me dance with you 

right here. Don’t mind

the tears, this is all new and the lies I 

don’t deserve this – I don’t deserve such 

mercy to cover me though I will turn 

away tomorrow 

fmf: accept

Tired doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel lately. Weary maybe. Worn out. Burned out. I have not come through on two things this month (one including reading a book I’m supposed to help launch) so far. In between telling God, I’m going to do it. Yep, got distracted again. I don’t have the energy. 

I keep doing devotionals (whispers of rest. I can’t quit it.) and reading the bible. And rambling to God about how things don’t make sense and blah blah blah. Not the things are supposed to make sense but I need I don’t know, more than physical rest. Though some solid rest would be cool. Can I have a hug? A looooong one. I know you’re here, God. I know it. I know it. I’m just a little I don’t even know. And all ELLIE HOLCOMB TICKETS SOLD OUT, ughhh God, I want to go! Please. Please please please. PLEASE. I’m going to wait and pray to you. 

In the midst of all my rambling there has been:

1. Yellow butterflies. I know they mean guidance. Always come when I’m least expecting. 

2. An explosion of snacks brought from dad from his last trip. Included: trail mix, candy bars, pretzels (eating soon) and chips. 

3. Oreo shake from my mom. 

4. Pop pies and laughter from my brother until my sides hurt. 

5. My dad getting me a window seat for trip to Texas in 9 days.

6. Late night Voxer (this is a very interesting app where I feel like I’m a cop with a walkie talkie but nice to be share our hearts and come back later if we need to) with a friend. So much laughter and goodness last night. 

7. Anticipation to hug another friend in 9 days and possibly sing all Ellie until I can’t 😂 and possibly this:

8. I can pave the road for you. seriously so catchy and I love how she dances with her daughter and she says: yeah. 😍

9. This friend coming back to blogging!!!! So excited you don’t even know. 🙋🙋🙋
Thank you again, Lord, for all the abundance in the hard places. I may not always recongnize or acknowledge it because I’m so busy asking for heaven now and for you to come comfort me. Hug me literally. Give me what I want right now. Because I am a child and sometimes I’m wanting, wanting, wanting. Wanting relationships to be better, vision, things. But it doesn’t compare to the way you sing to me. The way you dance within me when we are. The way it’s like heaven has come and I just want to stay with you in this moment, alone. Stay sith me and whisper how you will never leave even as I cry for home. You are good. And everything that isn’t yet is because you either want me to wait or isn’t meant for me. Everything that is coming or here, let me rejoice and feel you burn with me. Such delight within me. Promised for eternity. Amen. 

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(r) I want far away from me. 

Jesus,

I don’t want to 

speak anymore unless 

it’s going to build someone

up. Or myself. There’s too

much death and division I could 

could cry a river of tears or throw a fist to 

the sky. But what 

will that solve? I don’t want to be so 

much about me but I still

long to know I’m loved, so very loved and 

I don’t know what to

offer when others are suffering 

and silence doesn’t seem the way, so I’ll 

just talk. But I’m finding maybe 

sometimes that’s best. Only you can fix 

things go better than they were before 

and only you can love me well enough to 

rid me of ange

fmf: speak

What can I say about this week? I’ve gone into a bit of hiding. No Instagram, email and barely answering texts. Why? Because I’m afraid. Afraid of every time I open my mouth I will speak death over situations I’m particularly not fond of, people, myself. So I’ve gone into God’s word and have almost filled up a notebook with prayers and verses and questions. A lot of those. It took a friend to text me maybe 3 times the other day to make me realize just how afraid I am. It’s so easy to hide. it’s so easy just to turn it to you. because you aren’t sure how to allow them time to open up and the waiting makes it a tad harder. But you want to wait. And then the suffering around you/within is a lot. And then realizing you want to give so much, really just fix it but Jesus is better. He will teach you the more you pour out to him. The more you let go even if that means going to repeatedly. Which I’m pretty sure it does. 

I didn’t realize how important prayer and praise is. I’m on the last book for the Old Testament in my Bible in a year plan ((Seriously can’t believe I made it this far.), and both David and Solomon have taught me how important prayer is. And praise. The way both of them pray to God has had me in awe. Like this:
“He prayed, “O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in all of heaven and earth. You keep your covenant and show unfailing love to all who walk before you in wholehearted devotion.
“But will God really live on earth among people? Why, even the highest heavens cannot contain you. How much less this Temple I have built! Nevertheless, listen to my prayer and my plea, O Lord my God. Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is making to you.”

‭‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭6:14, 18-19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I love that Solomon declares how God is higher than anything or anyone and nothing can contain him. And questions if God will really be with his people, which feels a lot like how I’ve been questioning if he’s here. (He brought over some brownies yesterday just cause he knows my love of chocolate, through a woman I met from where my dad’s boat is docked, and their golden retriever, Bear, who reminds me of bear in the big blue house 😂. He seemed a little skeptical of me last night and doesn’t like my cane, but look at this face. )


Wasn’t too fond of one of the kitties but so 😍 he’s just laying by me now. 

This ties into to the last verse about Solomon wanting to God to hear his cry and request. I continuously want to God to be open to my cry and request to see His face and love toward me. And he has this week by:

  1. Giving me so much time and space to read his word, ask a million questions. Okay not that many but a lot. Pray. Just be with him. 
  2. Letter in the mail (unopened still because I like to linger in the moment happiness and feel I gotta give something immediately back before fully receiving it. But that’s bypassing the gift all together)
  3. A book I need to start reading to help launch (also unopened but I will get to it hopefully tonight. A review will be coming.)
  4. Bear in the big yellow (our house is yellow.) house and he’s waiting for us to come and rest 😂
  5. Brownies (I need to eat one..)
  6. Slow movements of opening up with a friend. Healing. 
  7. This. I could go on about this for hours. I will say she needs to release a covers album because I just want to put it on repeat all day long. Ughhh. So good. 

Things might look bad, but I know You’re still good

You always show up like I knew that You would. –love these lyrics. So much. 

Thank you Jesus for the all the abundance in the hard places. Please help me receive. Don’t let me move from receiving until I’m full to the overflow. You give gifts, good gifts. I don’t have to be afraid they’ll disappear or I need to give before fully receiving. Help me enjoy then and praise you all the more. You are faithful. Amen. 

holy

Lord,

bring me to

a place of harmony

with myself &. Others

– let me love myself enough 

– To hold on to this way you 

– inspire me with melody. All the lies 

come at me today; you are unworthy, 

nothing comes your way good but that’s 

not what you say. You say I will see the 

goodness of You while I’m here in the 

land of living. You will make me laugh 

instead of worry. You will bring beauty 

from these ashes I think look more 

appealing than this smile You give me. 

You are good and faithful, intentional & 

fmf: inspire 

I will see the goodness of the Lord while I’m here in the land of the living. This is I know: the Lord is on my side. I am precious. He will be my helper. He will hold me by my right hand. I don’t need to be discouraged, He is my God. I don’t need to be afraid, He is with me. He will strengthen me and uphold me with his VICTORIOUS right hand. Heart, take courage he’s coming with a rain of his blessing. His faithfulness. You’ll see. You won’t be able to miss. So you got rejected from a job you didn’t really want but still hurt. And you got silence for others. So? God has his best for you. His absolute best. He’s coming and in the meantime be grateful:

-friends pray with/for you. 

-they listen and remind you the truth

– that you are a little half way through the bible

-that you can sing and do a little hip shake dance

-you have food/water/shelter/a family who loves you. 

-you stepped out of your comfort zone this week. 

-you are beloved. 

-sister brought you a chocolate moose with marshmallow top. And salmon and asparagus. 

She’s always watching you. Let you sing this to her while you held her as if she’s your child.

Rejection may feel like it’s stinging heavy, but you know it’s not true. Hang on dear heart, he loves you very much. He’ll come through. 

sound so sad 

God, come here again. Give me a visit from a smiling friend. Wrap me up gently in your arms for I am tired. So tired. But i keep rising up to sit here and wait for you to come. To lift my eyes to your eyes, they are filled with so much compassion and mercy. I don’t care much why notes don’t sound the same – whybtheyball

Fmf: visit.

It’s so weird that five minute Friday will have it’s own space starting next week. It’s good. The change will take some getting used to though. 

I’m really trying to find the humor in my “whybtheyball” or what I’m even talking about in this letter except that I’m tired and want time with a friend in person or God or both. I was writing to music so I think I got lost in it for a minute. Shocker. 

Today in Whispers of Rest by Bonnie Gray, there’s a challenge for today’s devotional to do something that makes me smile. Typically music makes me feel happier, but today not so much. It just made me really focus on the suggested songs that played, both from psalm 130 about the depths of despair and waiting.
God, please help me to wait on You because I’m losing hope. And yet still holding on. You will restore all the locusts have eaten and are doing more than I ask or think even when I don’t acknowledge it or can’t see it. I know it’s okay to cry out because David did, but it’s hard for me right now because I’m tired of crying and waiting and confusion. Thank you the stuffed and candy my sister just brought me back from the zoo. Help me keep praising you. Thank you. Amen.


Yes, panda, we’re going to the watering Word. 

life again.

Lord, I am 
weak, as I watch 

myself turn a shade 

of sorrow, blue for what

will be missing soon. But,

what does that matter when 

I have You? When I can tell You

my greatest fear–to be taken home

before my time, before I am ready. It’s 

taking away of my ability to give birth. 

But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel 

tears willing spill. But the perspective 

needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean 

heavy upon the shoulder who

gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I 

want to be 

dance the way I see in my head. I want to 

be brought to 
Fmf: weak.

I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set. 

I’ve been coloring in my bible most of the day: 

Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)

It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this: 

I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:

1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.


2. The lunchable offered by my dad

3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.

4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.

5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)

6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.

7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.

8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).

9. Avocado sandwiches. 

10. Skit Guys new podcast!

11. Sunshine in my eyes.

12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋  (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.

waters You stilled.

Jesus, here i am,
wanting more & 

less, but more Your

hand. Pull me back

or forward into Your

arms again-the only

arms strong enough 

to hold me. Let Your

banner enfold me with

a love song I can hear 

from miles wide-let my

cry be calm
fmf: middle.

This week. It has felt like many late night crying to God. Crying because I miss friends and want to do so many things, but so thankful for who He’s put in my life. who listen & tell me sweetest truth: relax. When I’m watching myself go down the prove myself going to lose everything track, this song speaks into the truth I’m trying to embrace. To make space to wait and see and breathe and hope even though that’s the hardest thing it feels like right now. When I’m so tired because my mind is racing with dreams and fears that maybe I’m a little crazy not to push harder. But then a book reminds me what God has for me won’t miss me and his word says:

He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. (‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭3‬ NLT)

And this today: But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

(Isaiah 40:31, NLT)

I’ve heard this second verse in a song (so much laughter at the of this video, love it.) and I’m feeling like I need literal strength, but what can I praise him for in the meantime? Halos, those little tangelos that are easier to peel and so yummy. A taco, egg drop soup, crab ragoon and a fortune cookie that told me last night the rainbows treasures would be mine (I’m thinking god’s faithfulness instead of gold) from my sister. A friend who texts you questions and random pics of things that make you laugh because God is good at holding things together in heart even if there’s distance physically. Another friend reminding you all is well even if your heart wants to convince you otherwise. Good books. Sompingme (The silliness between me and my mom and the way a smile will well up in my heart and then spread across my mouth at this word, 😍). Prayer. That God listens, hears, sees and promises he is doing something new even if it’s hard to preceive and I want it right now. That he loves me right here, right now in the middle.

rings to my throne room

What can I here, today,

LORD? The help from 

my sister up the stairs,

the ask if I’d like chocolate 

milk, the eggo waffles put in

front of me. This breeze blows

& I watch the leaves fall to the ground. 

Are you unveiling me too? 

How much I need to see You enjoy me, 

LORD? You laugh

over me, you sing, this child is mine, oh I 

delight in everything she b

fmf: enjoy.

I totally meant to put “enjoy” at the beginning but realized I didn’t half way through. This week has been I don’t even know. Hard. Hard to be in the moment & then once you are, something comes and derails your spirit. The liar comes and whispers that this is it, whatever you experienced last week, forget that. You still struggled. You still were afraid to ask for help, too much. Don’t want to be a burden. And then you want to hide away and shut all people out. But Jesus continues to whisper: this isn’t the end. And friends check on you. They send out scripture in the middle of the night and tell you they’d like to hug you and you don’t have to fight this depression alone and they are praying for you. Even people you don’t know well are praying. And they are listening. And your cat is kneading you, and pawing the door at night to come in and though you don’t let her in, she still stays close. Really when you are in the valley and have no clue where you are going, Jesus is tightly holding on to you even when you’re not sure, don’t take the time to really SEE he is good.

Please help me see this truth over and over, Abba. Especially now when I went to let go.

Make me lol. and see I am loved. Thank you for being so faithful.