sound so sad 

God, come here again. Give me a visit from a smiling friend. Wrap me up gently in your arms for I am tired. So tired. But i keep rising up to sit here and wait for you to come. To lift my eyes to your eyes, they are filled with so much compassion and mercy. I don’t care much why notes don’t sound the same – whybtheyball

Fmf: visit.

It’s so weird that five minute Friday will have it’s own space starting next week. It’s good. The change will take some getting used to though. 

I’m really trying to find the humor in my “whybtheyball” or what I’m even talking about in this letter except that I’m tired and want time with a friend in person or God or both. I was writing to music so I think I got lost in it for a minute. Shocker. 

Today in Whispers of Rest by Bonnie Gray, there’s a challenge for today’s devotional to do something that makes me smile. Typically music makes me feel happier, but today not so much. It just made me really focus on the suggested songs that played, both from psalm 130 about the depths of despair and waiting.
God, please help me to wait on You because I’m losing hope. And yet still holding on. You will restore all the locusts have eaten and are doing more than I ask or think even when I don’t acknowledge it or can’t see it. I know it’s okay to cry out because David did, but it’s hard for me right now because I’m tired of crying and waiting and confusion. Thank you the stuffed and candy my sister just brought me back from the zoo. Help me keep praising you. Thank you. Amen.

Yes, panda, we’re going to the watering Word. 

life again.

Lord, I am 
weak, as I watch 

myself turn a shade 

of sorrow, blue for what

will be missing soon. But,

what does that matter when 

I have You? When I can tell You

my greatest fear–to be taken home

before my time, before I am ready. It’s 

taking away of my ability to give birth. 

But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel 

tears willing spill. But the perspective 

needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean 

heavy upon the shoulder who

gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I 

want to be 

dance the way I see in my head. I want to 

be brought to 
Fmf: weak.

I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set. 

I’ve been coloring in my bible most of the day: 

Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)

It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this: 

I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:

1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.

2. The lunchable offered by my dad

3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.

4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.

5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)

6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.

7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.

8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).

9. Avocado sandwiches. 

10. Skit Guys new podcast!

11. Sunshine in my eyes.

12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋  (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.

waters You stilled.

Jesus, here i am,
wanting more & 

less, but more Your

hand. Pull me back

or forward into Your

arms again-the only

arms strong enough 

to hold me. Let Your

banner enfold me with

a love song I can hear 

from miles wide-let my

cry be calm
fmf: middle.

This week. It has felt like many late night crying to God. Crying because I miss friends and want to do so many things, but so thankful for who He’s put in my life. who listen & tell me sweetest truth: relax. When I’m watching myself go down the prove myself going to lose everything track, this song speaks into the truth I’m trying to embrace. To make space to wait and see and breathe and hope even though that’s the hardest thing it feels like right now. When I’m so tired because my mind is racing with dreams and fears that maybe I’m a little crazy not to push harder. But then a book reminds me what God has for me won’t miss me and his word says:

He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. (‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭3‬ NLT)

And this today: But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

(Isaiah 40:31, NLT)

I’ve heard this second verse in a song (so much laughter at the of this video, love it.) and I’m feeling like I need literal strength, but what can I praise him for in the meantime? Halos, those little tangelos that are easier to peel and so yummy. A taco, egg drop soup, crab ragoon and a fortune cookie that told me last night the rainbows treasures would be mine (I’m thinking god’s faithfulness instead of gold) from my sister. A friend who texts you questions and random pics of things that make you laugh because God is good at holding things together in heart even if there’s distance physically. Another friend reminding you all is well even if your heart wants to convince you otherwise. Good books. Sompingme (The silliness between me and my mom and the way a smile will well up in my heart and then spread across my mouth at this word, 😍). Prayer. That God listens, hears, sees and promises he is doing something new even if it’s hard to preceive and I want it right now. That he loves me right here, right now in the middle.

rings to my throne room

What can I here, today,

LORD? The help from 

my sister up the stairs,

the ask if I’d like chocolate 

milk, the eggo waffles put in

front of me. This breeze blows

& I watch the leaves fall to the ground. 

Are you unveiling me too? 

How much I need to see You enjoy me, 

LORD? You laugh

over me, you sing, this child is mine, oh I 

delight in everything she b

fmf: enjoy.

I totally meant to put “enjoy” at the beginning but realized I didn’t half way through. This week has been I don’t even know. Hard. Hard to be in the moment & then once you are, something comes and derails your spirit. The liar comes and whispers that this is it, whatever you experienced last week, forget that. You still struggled. You still were afraid to ask for help, too much. Don’t want to be a burden. And then you want to hide away and shut all people out. But Jesus continues to whisper: this isn’t the end. And friends check on you. They send out scripture in the middle of the night and tell you they’d like to hug you and you don’t have to fight this depression alone and they are praying for you. Even people you don’t know well are praying. And they are listening. And your cat is kneading you, and pawing the door at night to come in and though you don’t let her in, she still stays close. Really when you are in the valley and have no clue where you are going, Jesus is tightly holding on to you even when you’re not sure, don’t take the time to really SEE he is good.

Please help me see this truth over and over, Abba. Especially now when I went to let go.

Make me lol. and see I am loved. Thank you for being so faithful. 

rather have me wait for you

The week starts with a breakdown 

of my body & an ache

in my soul as my body 

heats & chill &. goes 

back to normal. I fall

Asleep on his word-

I’ve done this to break 

your pride, your trying

trying trying. Impatience.

Abba, why this test to sit

still & wait & see when I want

to run & do. I can’t. I can’t. So,

I cry because I know this is best, to pour 

over your word,

for you’d 

fmf: test.

I love how this is so spot on this week. Surprised it’s coherent. This week has been whoa. So many trying days filled with anger at myself and aches in my body and a tiredness that makes me feel I could sleep for days. I’m grateful Jesus has given me so much time with him because there’s no one else I’d rather explode to than others (which I’m pretty sure I have, but the kindness shown to me has helped me see Jesus is watching me). So many days this week, I’ve drifted to sleep at the table while the cat randomly nuzzles my head. Or when I am awake(ish) grabs my hand with paws and holds it with one to her face. And no matter how much I want to get mad or frustrated that I can’t read my bible or take notes on a book, I can’t because too precious she is.

You can’t get mad at this. Fierce love. Her eyes say it all. 

I may or not share way too many pictures of this kitty, but too presh not to. God, thank you for Juno, who seems to be always close beside me when I can’t hold myself up, when I can’t see where I am going and when I feel most alone. She plops herself down and tries to knead me or rest in my lap or in my journal or bible. She shows me so much about you. How you want to be with me in whatever mood I’m in, even though sometimes I don’t want You there. You come anyway. You look at me, hold my hand, and whisper, I love you this way. And no matter how I want to change my sorrow and anger toward my unhurry, you understand and won’t leave me. Please keep showing me this and you still delight in me. In Jesus name amen.

self hatred i can’t quit

Good, good Father,

there is no cheer in

my heart–only ache

at how long the resurrection 

takes. The past comes back 

In waves, anxiety over more

break. Look at, on me Father,

the negative remarks on my tongue fill 

my heart. Is it any

wonder my body is broke? My

thoughts spew on others what i 

Most spew on myselfA

fmf: cheer.

I’m so confused about everything in my life right now. I want to run, but I can’t. My heart hurts and I’m so mad at myself and Jesus that I don’t know anymore. One part of me is: I don’t care. The other: Jesus, the bitterness in my heart. How can You love me this way. It won’t stop. It’s so ugh. It makes me think all of my family, friends and You hate me. But You don’t. And they don’t either. But I’m so blind.

There’s the grey cat who lays on my lap for a minute or two, while a song plays about it being enough. 

A cookies n cream milkshake my sister gets after I ask for it (though I struggle with the asking and fearing a no. Because that’s what I figure from You, Abba. And I here I sit drinking it slow, just the same as the day she made me pancakes with peanut butter and I say thank you. But my mind feels in space and my heart is confused and quiet.

Or my grandpa telling me he will always remember me and sorry again for the birthday present being late. And my heart is quietly  trying to comprehend that truth. My name written on Your hands. And how I buy dresses though it’s not me and have a b&n gift card waiting til I read what it’s in front of me. 

It’s like You want to dress me Your words.

I love you.

Receive me.

You are beautiful.

That is all I ever see.

No flaw within you.

Make your home in Me.

My beauty.

My love.

My grace.

I will fill you.

There is no hurry.

Enjoy me.
And my only prayer is: help me.

where you are whole

breathe in –

I will love you

lavishly, lift up

your head, answer

you & satisfy. Oh,

beloved, till the end 

of time I will look on,

after, at you the same: 

with compassion. I have

heard you say, I had a dream.

what? when? why? are you sure me? I 

want to help her, but I don’t understand 

it. the peace. why my insides feel as if 

may burn me alive. If this is what it 

means to wrap my around Your name–

Abba, the patience You ask of me

while I sit at Your blessed feet–Go and 

sin no more. No more doubt. No more 

fear. No more shame. I am with you here. 

I am holding you up, in this longing, in 

this wait I am loving you. From this 

valley, you are growing up toward the 

spring sky. My April baby, don’t you see 

I’ve heard your cry, cradle me, Daddy. 

Awaken me from under

the apricot tree, bring me into Your

arms & tell me again, here’s my heart. 

It’s known to beat for you alone; I’ve 

loved you first so you may see-the words 

in a maternal tone with gentleness, care 

& concern-Me

Abba, I am thankful for how you hold me together with the utmost care when I literally am going crazy in my head to You. And I can’t cry or anything else. I have to sit literally still and know that You are my Abba. Who woos me to create when I have no strength and tired and crabby as a child is. Who takes care of me when I don’t want to take care of me. And who is my warrior mother, who cheers me on and defends me like nobody’s business. This is how you come to me and hold me and I’m just so thankful you get me and are here because without you, I’m pretty sure, I’d give up by now. But oh, how you lift up my face. 
In other news: Brazen is probably one of the most fun launches I’ve been a part of so far. I’m pretty I’ve made 2 friends, one who has been on EVERY SINGLE LAUNCH TEAM I’ve been on so far with this manager and God just likes to surprise at the most interesting times. I’ve never laughed or smiled so much to God. It’s hilarious.

Collages are stressful and so much fun. I get to make a Brazen board of all shamelessly unapologetic things. Like my desire to stand on a beach and look at the water. Really it’s to go on a road trip, but working what I have right now. And to be as unhooked and light as ice cream. 😂

And the best thing I’ve learned so far: God has a feminine side. I knew this, but the Leanna explained it: Whoa.

God woos (woo wasn’t her word, but I’m a little lazy right now) me to create with my senses.

He is a caretaker.

And my absolute favorite: God as a warrior mother! This one totally explains why I’m drawn to moms. And how I see God protect and defend and cheer and all other things she said in the book I can’t remember, in my own and the ones who have become friends.

It’s a beautiful thing when an author puts to words what you haven’t understood. You feel slightly crazy but then you laugh and want to dance around and give them a hug.

And say thank you over and over to them and to God. Because you know even though the process is slow, you know he’s resurrecting you.

Seriously this book is so good and this is part one.