leaves me heavy

I’ve been here before,
thinking this boy will make me

happy–we’ll have long talks about Jesus 

& life & everything 

will be fine. God, I am slow in learning to 

do the right thing & pull the cord from 

what is already dead will still break your 

heart. The process of letting go so You 

can have more or me
fmf: happy.

This week has been interesting. Not only have I been enjoying launching this book, I’ve been dealing with serious realizations God is on the pursuit of my heart. I’ve heard of this, but haven’t been too aware of it. 

From the beginning of the week, I’ve been stuck on this word: forbearance. I’ve been asking God, wait, isn’t that a fruit of your spirit? You wait on me? I can’t do this..  I’ve been feeling the nudge to let go of this boy who I let back into my life without really thinking anything would happen. 

Wrong. I’ve been watching myself get hurt and jealous (grossiest emotion ever), waving it off for the attention. And hoping just maybe he’d want to talk about Jesus as much as I do lately. But after this week and last week, I can’t change or force people to talk about Jesus (and love doesn’t force itself on you.) I don’t want to either.

So today, I let him go. And I’m terrified because I don’t want to turn back again. I think I’m always going to want to talk to him about Jesus, but I need to protect my heart. Admitting that is hard with the longing being so big and fearing Jesus can’t fill this hole.

But he is faithful to the faithless. And he is strong while I am weak. It’s amazing to see how he has a strong hold on me, when I think he’s left. Nope. He’s been waiting for me. And though this really hurts, this is a step forward I think.

hold tighter to You

I don’t want toadmit I’m afraid of

my heart–the longing 

is deep and wide for attention,

the kind of a lover, a friend. No

one quite understands the way I 

sit & try to push away the fear-

You can’t have a guy as just a friend. You always crave more &

You can’t talk to them normally. I say this to myself and try to justify 

that I’ll be fine with all the worship 

music, if I 

fmf: want

This week I’ve been met with my fear Jesus has left and my longing to be in love. And to have a guy as a friend. I try very hard to hide this second thing because I don’t like how my heart is terrified it could fall apart. Because I can’t seem to break the thought maybe this guy would understand me. Love me through my humanness. And if I I’m honest, I’d like a guy to complete me. But broken doesn’t heal broken, and I should never put that on someone. Especially since I struggle so hard with idolizing, so I’d rather be alone. Or to journal and read God’s word forever. He’s the only one who can complete, heal me because He is complete and I am complete in love with Him.

My head knows that last one, heart is slower and freaked out by all this. 

Sigh. Dear me, please stop analyzing. Pay attention to the longing. You are allowed to have it even if it scares you. Don’t be so cynical either. I know it’s because you are in denial and afraid, but it’s okay. It’s okay to be broken and don’t and wonder if God even sees how you can’t handle yourself and you need Him to fill you constantly. And if it’s okay to be in relationship – want it. It is. Let Him come to you. Let Him love you even as you can’t trust. Sit Him as you are, He hasn’t left you. Doesn’t plan to. He knows all your desires and He will fill them. They are His after all. Your desire for love is His desire for you. Think about that for awhile. I know you are bleeding out your heart, but as you are weak He is strong. His compassion will come again. You are sitting outside in heat and yet there is shade. And Sara Groves is in your ears. And your sister brought you brownies and you mom brought you coffee. The compassion is right here, maybe not in all the ways you want, but here all the same. You are loved, darling. Hope is holding your hand. Don’t let go. Joy is around, beside, ahead. Receive him.