10/14/18

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Day 123

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God,

What I can praise You 

for– the butterflies You place 

before my eyes that remind me 

to breathe & stay steady. Steadfast. Last

night the tears 

came ready to expose the lies 

– I am getting pushed away again when 

there is distance already. But then I fell 

You I don’t understand, I don’t know 

what to say, but I feel 

– You standing there, listening 

– and looking at me even if I 

– can’t see You. And then You 

– give me the courage to sing 

– & dance  

fmf: praise

3/24/18

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Day 88

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Father,

here we are 

again-at this

table & her voice 

singing about Your

goodness–what is

Your routine kindness?

The way You’ve asked me

to wait again. To hold on yet

again. To wait again. To see.

There’s nothing here or is Your

silence a listening ear as I tell You, I don’t 

understand but I want to trust the 

kindness You store up, the blessing 

unseen will make me tear up, a cry of joy. 

There’s joy now and over and over again

You find me-with corn on (the cob & time 

with my parents and You alone, asking, 

how have I not read this before? Or 

pleading on another’s behalf, or singing 

as I am right now. It is You and me here, 

in this valley where I cry, ask why and 

feel the weight of disappointment, but 

still Your face greets me with a smile 

without deception to tease me.
love,

your tender-haired girl)

FMF: routine

*( is where timer stopped. 

11/24/17

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Day 18

//

God,

Everything feels different today. I feel strangely happy. It is not familiar to me to be pumped to teach someone math when I’m not really qualified. But just sitting here waiting to get a Vox or a call on FaceTime with this friend makes me feel like I have purpose. I don’t why that’s so weird. But You know I sat there the other night like, I just want to stay up til 2 am helping you with math! Lord, I don’t even like math. Any of it. Not just the really hard stuff that I learned in pre algebra or geometry. Please no thank you. And when I’m telling her, I hope 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl previous letter found here. 

Five minute Friday prompt: familiar.

I think I’ve missed two more days of writing…or actually a lot of days according to my last blog post. 6 since my last post. But God is mostly definitely doing something in me. Makes no sense at all. But it makes me really REALLY happy. And it is also hard, but still. God is helping and I know he is. Because me wanting to do this has to only be him. I don’t get pumped about math. But the last few days I’ve been getting up like, YES LETS DO THIS! Let’s study some math! And a devotional! Woo! Who’s excited? It is strange for me. But I know this is God. Because math is definitely a weakness for me to do and try and help someone with. And the fact that Kallayah is so open and doesn’t care that I take a while to explain stuff, is a serious blessing I want to thank for. Because if his grace is resting upon me in this than I have no clue, but it is so cool. I’m just really excited about all this stuff. It’s like Christmas and it’s not even here yet! 

Side note: Sara Groves new hymns album is so goood! That is all.

pace, knowing the sorrow. 

Jesus,

Right now, right

here I discover the way

you love me – by playing 

her music when I’m pretty 

sure I didn’t pick it. But all

her songs keep playing now,

and here I sing to you: I’m

grateful for your love. The way

you come so gently and fill me

with anticipation for something

I’ve wanted with no clear reason why. It 

is a huge longing 

that feels it will take me down if

I’m not careful. But I remember all the 

times I’ve sang along, feeling you come 

into the s

fmf: discover

After watching Trisha’s Facebook live video on celebrating joy (just look at the joy on her face. ☺️) I can say with complete and utter joy, 6 MORE DAYS TIL ELLIE HOLCOMB WITH MEGAN!! 🙋🙋🙋 6 more days!! I can’t even contain myself right now. Can’t do it. I mean I keep going from oh my gosh this is really happening to, really? to God, I want write a song with her soooo bad! Ugh, why is this so funny and pretty much impossible for me? Will this change anything at all? JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING. AHHH. 

it’s very interesting how this all came together when tickets were sold out. And my longing to see her sing since last year. But feeling God come into her music through very hard things for the past almost 4 years. Things I don’t like remembering but the song will trigger. But Jesus is there. In the memory even as it’s faded. And in the ones of singing along to her pretty much every day of declare. They are good, but also ache with missing. Missing of friends and the car ride there and back from the conference  and feeling God inhabit the space the entire way. I feel like I did a lot of this. And I’m hoping God helps me on Thursday with lingering because I know I’m going to be either super quiet or weepy or unable to control my happiness.   Or all three. 

I’ve been told I’m very present. To a degree this is true, but I’m learning just because I am with my body doesn’t mean I’m with my mind. One of the struggles I’m finding I had at declare was thinking all these women had it together. They didn’t. And the expectation I had of myself needing it to lead to something tangible (like a job) pretty much left me wanting to run and hide (which I did quite a few times) which felt like God only pursued me more. When I wanted to sit in my head, he would not allow it. He wouldn’t allow the enemy to steal all of my joy. He helped me listen and turn off the music at times (because I find Jesus there but I can hide there too when I feel afraid or irritated or lonely).  But Jesus showed me himself too when the music was off and I embraced all the feelings. 

Please help me, Jesus. You know the overwhelming feelings. How I can easily cry when Ellie comes on. You also know what her music has helped me through in this valley of weeping. But I feel the refreshing springs are coming. And to share this with Megan too – it is a gift that I want to hug you for. Be near us. So very near. And if you want to you know arrange a meet and greet that includes song writing, well, go right on ahead. It makes me want to laugh just thinking about it. But until then prepare my heart and help me be present and in the moment, not even thinking where it could lead. Let me encounter you. Embrace you. You are good and faithful. Thank you for all the delight this year. I love you. Amen. 

to untangle such disarray.

What joy can I find

in today – when my

inner dialogue & those

around me are all screaming,

won’t you be by my side? Why 

did you do this, do that? 

and I wonder, Abba, if 

right here is enough. To

let you hear these cries and

bring them once again to Your

feet. I need you, Abba, & so do 

they. We all do. & I don’t know

what else I can do 

fmf: joy.

Christmas, or leading up to it, really makes me see and hear and feel pain of others that just shocks you still. Or makes me want to hide away. Because I  want to help and fix it, make it stop. But I  can’t find helpful words and I  don’t know what to do. And I’m not sure if Jesus is really hearing my heart cries or if it’s enough what I’m telling him outloud. If the continued lie that brokenness is all there is, will continue to whisper louder, the more truth seems to pour out though i’m distracted every few minutes. And want to cry and get so mad: Jesus, I’m done! That’s it! This hurts. Can’t you wipe it all away? Can I hide away forever? In the shadow of your wings I am safe right? You are refuge. You are the hope that doesn’t disappoint because of the love you have poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit? Did I say that right? All this time getting into your word and reading is bringing about something beautiful? Can I experience your joy for me this Christmas? You coming into my need that I won’t miss it?

Maybe the joy is the knowing Jesus knows my heart and wants to hear me express it. He knows neediness and doesn’t mind it. Believing he wants to help is a little harder, but he says he holds me by my right hand, do not fear. I will help you. So, okay. But I’d be lying if I said I feel covered in darkness and he already passed me by still.

May your consolation bring me joy that you know my doubts. About Christmas. About your plan for my life. Friendships. Family. Everything.

Through the joy of every morning 

My love will be yours. (okay, Jesus, okay.)

denying as I may be.

I watch her–

gray stretch across

my blue jeans, the fur

of sorrow pass me by.

I ask her, please don’t

go, but she can’t stay–

walking so slowly away

with one last look back 

at me–June, I say. She 

turns away, slowly giving 

way for joy I mustn’t see,

fmf: pass

today’s inspiration comes from a cat. I originally wanted to write about this verse, but this came too quick.

Music and outside is an excellent conbo. 

even as I am misunderstood

they say,
being loved
is the greatest
joy. if you looked
me in the eyes, could
you see the loss I’ve let
slip time from my hands?
I’ve told Jesus the guilt bangs
a mockery against my heart;
I should be able to give myself
without hesitation

fmf: joy. i don’t understand this poem. but i do understand writing or listening to this song is my heart cry to Jesus. every time I hear. “I don’t want you to see this” and then again, I get teary and shaky.

that’s what you were saying

Jesus doesn’t show himself laughing to many,

she told me over the phone
on my 24th birthday.

he is reassuring you,

she continued through
questioning silence

I gave. I sat in room

unfamiliar, wide with 
loneliness. how could

you laugh, Lord, when

I spent so many days 
staring at your sympathy 

portrayed in inspired artwork?

your hand was pressed to your
heart–I am grieved for you,

my child. I swore fear caught 

my breath every time I dared 
stare a little than I wanted.

you were the sad God & I, 

the girl grasping happiness
at dead ends. the boy

I begged stay around,

please, please, I bought 
you a phone card. Promise

you’ll call tomorrow. Or performance 

I burrowed my heart below, so no
one knew my creviced heart.

I believed you always saddened,

laughter furthest from lips divine.
I sin & repent, your smile shining 

same. Your arms open same

distance from my troubled brow.
don’t you want to dance,

sway back & forth in celebration 

undeserved? don’t you want
laughter cracking open 

your tight lipped demeanor 

you’ve announced yourself 
forever wearing? I came

so you may live again–come,

come! there’s room for you 
by my side, darling.
inspired by this. My grandma had this picture of Jesus on the wall. For many years, it’s made me wonder if he’s always sad. With the name, “man of many sorrows,” it’s been difficult for me to imagine Jesus sitting back with friends laughing & enjoying life. It says so in His Word, he didn’t just cry. He enjoyed meals. Weddings. 

Last year, I had a dream the night before my birthday, where I walked with the laughing Jesus in a field. I knew I was holding his hand, but my vision was blurry. I knew he was laughing even though the dream was silent. I kept wanting to ask him what was so funny, but he keep walking with me and laughing. I was confused.

My grandma told me not many people see the laughing side of Jesus and this was reassurance. He was with me.

I think there was more to it. He isn’t the sad or angry God I’ve grown believing in. He’s life. Life isn’t only sadness or anger. It’s joy, too.

I so easily forget this. Because God is love. And love is patient and kind. He doesn’t boast in himself. He rejoices over us.

He hopes we’ll believe this.

And he’ll continue leading us in love, through the brokenness to happiness.

leaving you gasping with how alone we are not

look for those
with the shiny
eyes, she never
said, the ones
who remind you
of Jesus. ones
keeping yours
in their rejoicing,
mourning. you’ll
find yourself in
sameness you
thought for sure
left you behind—

the beginning of this came while i ate grapes and yogurt, i thought it may be a story, but my brain came with this.

awe my heart

i hear you,
rejoice in me—
what if, i can’t
trust you, me,
anyone. you’re
going to teach
me in the way
i should go.
my legs do not
wish move left
or right. you are
not asking my go.
rejoice. right here.
right now. sing
as the birds out
side your window.
heavy heart wakes
me up: God, i can’t
do this. i grieve
i’m as selfish as they
come; i want what
wastes away. i beg
pardon my doubt,
let me lose myself
your way—

i woke up this morning with a heavy heart–anxiety. i’m laying there telling God how i’m afraid. how i don’t know where he’s going to lead me. or ask. i’m realizing how selfish i am. how i’m too wrapped up in my head with worry. Over past and future stuff. i keep forgetting the present. So, God, in his lovingkindness, gently says: I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go with my  loving eye on you.

Then, once I get over myself I started praying for others. and while i’m praying, i feel my heart lift.

it amazes me how much i want to help other people and everything in life right now is a gentle push to bring them to the Savior.

in prayer. i told him it feels unimportant, no one will see it. and he goes: that’s the point, Julia.

I take this as God’s way of, “Duh.” Are  you rolling your eyes, too, God?

The idea of you sitting on your throne with the angels: Finally, she’s getting it! Let’s polka!

You and Grandma in matching robes..I’m thinking pink for her, white for her. dancing to Who Stole the Kieshka (totally spelled that wrong, but let’s go with it…)

I wonder if there’s a holy (happier( version in Heaven: Who Wants to Greet Ya, Won’t You Greet Him Back?

HELLO JESUS! HOW ARE YA?

okay, so I want to keel over in laughter, probably because this is funnier to me than it will be to others. Maybe not.

But this just proves AGAIN how hilarious Jesus is.

And now, I kind of want some quiche…. (I always want quiche after hearing this song. and isn’t keeshka sausage….?)

oh sompingme, let’s dance 😀