smile heals me

If I lose my mustard seedof faith, will you love me still-

Abba? I awoke with a voice

in my head that said I was 

Ugly & I sighed in belief because

I can’t change myself, these thoughts that cross examine

My every motive. Will you come

soon enough and put me on your 

shoulders and take me to a place

where your sm
fmf: lose

I had this image of Abba and I in a field while writing the end of this. He is looking at my blues and reaching for my hand, telling me again and again: it’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad, feel deeply.

And I just want to run into his arms and sob: none of this feels okay. Look at me. I feel like the more I share my heart, everyone goes or silence or shame and I don’t know how to explain all these feelings, the ones tha yearn for the people you’ve put in my path to see you. For me to see you. How do you stay in relationship with me? How do I stay in relationship with those that do know you and don’t.

Let me love you, he whispers in my ear. Then it will be an overflow of my love to those that need it and you, who needs never walk alone. And talk to me always, darling. Be open and honest. Know I hear you. And I am not walking away.

I love you. Receive me. And those I send your way. Rest in me.

We are not alone

I haven’t finished this book yet.

This shouldn’t shock me, since the last book I read from Mary Demuth took about 4 months. And that was my first book of hers.

I’m not sure it’s really appropriate to review a book before you are done, but it helps me to process. And I’m learning a lot of the non-fiction I’ve had the opportunity to read, need a lot processing.


Worth Living is a book tackling the 10 lies, from “I don’t deserve to be loved.” to “I am what I produce.” women tend to believe about themselves. Both of these lies above are ones I’ve believed most about myself, and I’m finding they aren’t the ones.

What I love about this book is the way Mary writes as a friend. A friend quietly sharing her broken with you and how Jesus continues to be her hope. Her truth that is also ours as we let God change us. 
For when we feel we don’t deserve to be loved, we must remember we are the women whom Jesus loves. We are wildly loved beyond what we produce. We are free to be a child, beloved by God.

I love the discussion questions at the end to go deeper for reflection or with and a friend. There are also little activities in the second and third chapters to help cement God’s love for you, by going through a few verses in Romans and creating a purpose statement rather than a job description.

If you are a woman who is or has struggled with your worth, this book will remind you aren’t alone. Mary doesn’t tell you how to fix yourself. Instead she walks alongside you in the struggle, whispers, I know it’s hard, but I struggle, too.” gives you space to explore your own story, and guides you in prayer at the end of each chapter.

This book has opened me to see how I see myself unworthy. How all women must see themselves, but there is a small flicker of hope inside knowing I am not the only one. 
—-

I am utterly amazed that this book is already sold out on Amazon. That is the only thing I dislike.

But I must share some of my fave quotes so far:

Believe you are chosen, precious, alive, and worthy to receive his mercy.

Even God doesn’t create growth and change in us through harsh measures.

We are worthy when we hurt.

We cannot love others unless we first love ourselves, give grace to ourselves, allow ourselves to be human.

It’s okay to be needy. God does not deride your neediness, and neither should you. Shake hands with it. Welcome it if you can. Because that place of terrible need is the launchpad of a beautiful life. Annihilation must precede resurrection. Need comes before filling. You’re actually in the best place you’ve ever been spiritually when you’re at your lowest. God rescues those who reach for him. He cannot rescue those who don’t need him. Psalm 138:6 reminds us of who can be near God: “Though the Lord is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud.”


Seriously, I want to share the whole book with you, even though I’m not through. So good. ☺️

where light will touch me

I need to see you,
God—goodness &
mercy shall follow me
all the days of life, even
as my thoughts expose
fear my fingers openly
type. I am attracted to
your light; I want to bask
in the glow of holiest laugh
haunting my days. in my dreams,
I am left alone in a car rolling to my
death. all in my mind, I know, but my
God, I don’t want to go into the dark.
I have no control and the past voices
scream condemnation, hold me hostage:
You should be ashamed of speaking your
mind. you have no right to say what you have.
she should have never forgiven you. why can’t
work harder? you did this to yourself. You should
move on—God, for it is good to wait on you, no
shame comes upon my face, who calls upon you
purely to see your face. mighty are you, to save
the crushed in spirit, brokenhearted. near to me,
are you, who calls me fearfully & wonderfully made,
a little lamb knowing stray. if you left the ninety-nine
to search for me, I’d stare blankly before a cry broke
loose: you won’t relent and I can’t take this anymore.
I’m growing cold from the pain & yes, the anger seeks
root, I was not made for murder—please show me rest
beside greenest pasture.

goodbye

in the garden,
earthly side of
heaven i sit—

i love you
falls swift off
their tongues

through screen.
mouth & my heart
beats a question

yet to forget.
why, when i
will make mistake?

tension crawls
inside, a clenched
fist ready to knock

truth sustaining
my next breath.
he’s holding

something back
from you, i hear
the serpent remark.

don’t you see
you9 still stuck?
he laughs.

i throw a rock
of your promise—
he has plans

to prosper me
not harm—
it is good

to wait upon
the Lord, he
will fight for me

even as i am
still. i may have
many problems,
but Jesus
delivers me
from all

——

he chokes
on belief,
slithering

sometimes you have to write out the truth, to release the tension that keeps tightening your insides. and imagine your throwing rocks at the devil.. though i know i’d scream or say “oh,God, please.” if i i saw a serpent.

God promises peace,though. His peace. Not the kind the world gives. (lately i’m thinking this is commercials that will instantly make me want dunlin donuts sugary frappes..), but the promise not to let my heart be troubled or afraid because he is God.

and i’m not the one in control. or need to know all the answers.

receive grace, dear girl

you’re being too
hard on yourself—
i could hear this
faint within my heart,
tears asking pardon.
she was right—i can’t
read a book in a decent
time to compile a list of
favorite quotes/notes. he
laughs in my mind when
the next email comes,
guess you missed
the first task, huh?
& now you have TWO
MORE! i sit with these
second guesses until
morning comes: let it
go. you’re not missing
out—go at your pace.
My hand is on you, as
well as time—look in
My eyes, no condemning
to behold.

So last night, i find an update email from the launch team manager in my Spam folder, after emailing a friend about if I’m still supposed to be collecting quotes/notes In the email, I’m immediately drawn to the fact they’re releasing new images for the book, next week. and the devil is all: looks like you missed on that one. can’t even do task one! this follows by telling my mom, “i’ve failed.” Which she asks, why? I tell her something about I can’t read a book fast enough. My soul takes a long time to process a lll of this. I mean, I’m talking about the soul. It’s delicate and fragile. God knows how much time we need to grasp something. Apparently, I need months, years.

Just yesterday I learned love is only two things: patient & kind. I’ve read this before, but because of Emily’s lovely breakdown of 1 Corinthians 13, it’s made my soul go, God, is this true?? Whoa. Then, that means that’s all You are…

This made realize two other lovely things. 1. I’ve been taking myself SUPER SERIOUS with this book launch. When I haven’t been having serious headaches/sneezing/feeling sick, I’ve been at this or thinking: God, if I can show you I can do this, it’ll lead to a job. Right? Because that’s what’s most important. Money, so I can live and take care of myself. And His response: Just enjoy this! Don’t worry about that, delight yourself in Me! (and I kinda stare hard at Him..)

2. My soul needs to breathe. And yours does, too. You know you want to learn to pray with a bowl that receives nothing but grace.. 😉

why am i still terrified of you

over birds & wind
i sob. i am small
in this bed, a curled
up child, crying for
another way. i don’t
know what to do,
where to go—
“i don’t trust you.
i hate you, Jesus,
my mind screams
through breaths.
the one he loves
can’t handle herself.
she can’t look people
directly in the eye,
open up in a decent
time (7 months is a
bit of a stretch). she
is apt to run & hide—
grace, please don’t
come close enough
for gaze in consuming
eyes. please. i’d rather
be alone than burned
alive in mystery i want
answered now—

i think i’m hate that i want to draw forever and be wayward, then follow Jesus into the unknown. i’m terrified of everything, more myself. i don’t want to go to school. i don’t want to write. i want to draw, but really, i am afraid of God’s best for my life. i want to bolt and run as far as possible from the answer if it’s not what i want. i know God has the best plans for my life, but somewhere inside, i feel like they are going to harm me. I’m harming myself by letting anxiety overrule me.

All I know is I’m comfortable with being afraid. This is bad. Very, very bad

I literally need God to walk me into whatever way he has for me.

Even if that means I’m going to cry a lot. Because I will.

So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

oh God, i can’t do this alone. Help, help, help.

when he never sought my smile anyway

in the dark, i fever

a sickness i don’t under

stand. i stare shadows

moving toward me–so

says my mind. trembling,

i hide my face. remind

myself: in you, i take

refuge. the dark is light 

to you. flash a light 

against the wall.

nothing. 

i watch them 

again, think

i see your robe, 

but i should not

be afraid. for you

are love & to run

into fortress arms;

false guilt falling 

out sweat. tears

waiting spill 

on your feet.

when morning 

awakes me

to alarm a

death, my

heart does 

not gather 

in conclusion

i should remain

a liar’s tease–


Author’s note: last night, my body started sweating as if I had something to shed. I sat out in the rain for awhile yesterday, talking about Heaven, and smelling flowers on the breeze. before rain came, I laid on my back, staring at the sky, and feeling as if Heaven moved closer to me. It’s something to be able to be still before The Lord, and you legs tremble, your heart beating loud enough to remind you He is God.

And He loves me too much to let me believe those lies. Though I don’t feel good, He is faithful. He has given me the strength to look up into the sky, & say, I can wait on you.

you alone save me 

come flood me, God-

not in grievances aplenty,

but joy you’ve sent to find me.

i am naked beyond skin & rib

you took from sleeping Adam,

forming Eve, a woman tasting

bitter apple to become like you.

Knowing good & evil is a high

price to pay, when your son goes

on bended to pray for me.

Father, he whispers, hallowed be

your name, your kingdom come,

your will be done on earth (within 

her), as it is in Heaven (where her 

grandma resides beside me). Give 

her this day her daily bread (peace I 

leave & that of wheat she eats with 

family) & forgive her trespasses as

she forgives those who trespass 

against her. Lead her not into belief 

of only dark, but deliver her from he 

who  haunts her dreams. For yours is 

the power & the glory forever. Amen.

Your son says these words until all

evil words: you should never open 

your mouth, Julia. You won’t get 

better. Don’t you pay attention to

your nightmares? No one is there 

to save you. There is only death. 

Why else do you think everything 

goes black? Jesus save you? And 

you want to help other people when 

you can’t help you? Oh please. 

until the peace transcends 

understanding pools inside my heart;

guilt receding condemnation always

asking me believe less than I pray. 

but my soul, how you keep

sun peeks through
open blinds. my eyes
rest on the bedspread—
i want touch the light,
feel the warmth as if
your hand has mine
enclosed. what would
i tell your concerned
eyes? i am tired dreaming
my death. the way i poised
myself against her small
bathroom sink, where i said,
“i like writing poetry about my family
& God. & you?” and this woman
who isn’t my grandma, comes
before my face & snips my tear
ducts, pulling me close into question:
“what are you doing?” i can’t scream,
seeing red fall, but disappear before
the drops hit the tile floor. i felt my arms
pull & push back this demon disguised
as he who tries scaring me in place,
but you must have scooped me
in your arms when all went black.
you must have tapped me awake
& sat still with me as i wondered,
“jesus, why did that feel as i were drowning?”
slumbering into another dream where i can’t
escape—

to the tiny lies

Peace, peace, it’s hard to find
Doubt comes like a tiny voice that’s so unkind
And all your fears
They conspire to unwind you–Peace Peace, Sara Groves

Dear Sara,

If you ever stumble upon my blog, I will gladly hand over my drawings. And hug you. And drink coffee. And talk about Jesus until the sky goes moon-lit. Thank you for inspiring me. And sharing your gift with the whole  world.

Love,

a girl who scribbles