I sit in the not so quiet
with You—a lawn mower
is running to my right, birds
are chirping in the distance—
everything is loud & I’m still
holding onto a truth, an opposite
of a lie, he’s one man, not all.
even if I can’t fully believe this
now, yet, I fully expect You to
show me how, Lord. You are
faithful even now in this miracle
yet to unfold. My head is
God of all comfort,
come with Your songs
of deliverance – may
they be as loud as the birds
surrounding me now. They know
the worth of singing in the middle
of a storm, when the world is in
stops their fighting songs
from greeting the morning.
You are their and my portion
& my strength – to face another
day to see another magnolia
bloom & perfume this swollen
I feel the fear
creeping over my heart
that I’ve messed up again.
it begs my question come
to the surface again: are
You as kind when I fall short
of Your glory even now? My heart shivers with the lies: no
one will love you when you fail,
look at you now. I want to be held, to be reassured again & bask in Your love for me in the
biggest to the smallest of ways.
Lord, I need you. I need you to
show me I am the o(ne you go deep for each & every day.)
dear sad girl,
i know you’re tired today. so tired you want to sleep the rest the day away. that hat is on its way to remind you God is in high pursuit of you. waves of goodness. let it overwhelm you. crash over you. open your mouth & let God fill you. let him draw close to you. play with that playdoh, making flowers. or hearts. turn up the music loud and sing in the shower, not caring who hears you.
when you get your haircut this weekend, remind yourself you are beautiful. and when you remember that one time your grandma said you looked a bit Justin Bieber when she took to get your haircut once, laugh.
it’s fall. watch the leaves fall. drink all the apple cider. embrace everything God is giving you right now. himself. family. friends that will listen and pray. that make you feel included and loved from miles away. the encouragement to keep writing.
God is surrounding you.
keep your eyes on the horizon.
ps. If you ever get the chance to thank hollyn for this album you can’t turn off, do it.
Dear sad girl,
it’s a success
you woke up
I know you’re hurting,
but there is something
on the horizon. There
will be a man who will see
you are worth more than
worldly distraction. He will
treat you as beloved. A queen
with a smile better than a
diamond. He’ll give you the
the time of day & surprise you.
but for now, look around you.
Look at the one who’s been
what can I share
with You that’s on my heart
You don’t already know –
my body aches, my eyes hurt
as if I haven’t slept in weeks
even though I went to sleep
at 7 last night and woke up
at 2 am wanting You. Staring
into the darkness, feeling
disoriented and lost.
I want to sleep for hours
but fill my heart with noise,
truth, silence. I want to go back
up north and feel the autumn that can’t
be found in 88 degrees. Or changing
colors of leaves. Yellows. Reds. Oranges.
God, my heart longs to know
what You are doing but still
I am content. I am c(ontent to be still and
wait for You. Come soon, won’t You?)
(* where timer stopped.
The day disappears.
Noises grow incessant.
God, shalom my mind.
Let me not stay
Stuck in the fear
Of what is to come.
My heart is heavy
For the waiting is
Long. Will I be able to
See any better after they
Remove the film making
The clouds come, grey and
Sometimes black surround?
Will Your kindness abound
Upon the waking up? Before?
Should I keep calling You good
In the meantime? Yes, You are,
Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor
& a song for me to sing along,
my faithful, steadfast God,
Your tender-haired girl)
*( where the timer stopped.
I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:
- Friends praying.
- Call the Midwife on PBS. One of the Sisters in the show has cataracts. Even she is a lot older, it’s been reassuring to see how instead of being told, get over it -it’s a routine thing. She is told it is okay to be afraid. And she also says she’d rather live in darkness and bolts out if the doctor’s office when it gets too much. I haven’t bolted, but I’ve told God, can’t You just take them away, please? This is my deepest fear. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled to see how he comforts me after. The Sister had a woman she wound up becoming friends with and Kelly told me she’ll be coming after with a milkshake and a movie that I will gladly watch with one eye. And maybe some confetti? #lastchallengeof100daystobrave
- Helping another friend with math. Learning when and where to use the distributive property is SO FUN. I don’t even know I still remember some of this math..but I love how God is showing me again we need someone to believe in us& struggle with us and show us, hey, we’re not alone.
- Pasta salad for dinner tonight. I am pumped.
- Starting A Wrinkle in Time the book with Shannan and Kelly. I’ve already told Shannan time is getting wrinkly. lol day folding into night. the title could inspire a poem.
Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.
I heard Your voice far away and close up today. Her gentle words to give it time. It’s okay. And to rest in You today. And the receptionist excited about my middle name. And the woman who took the time to say my birthday was soon before taking blood. I’m sorry for my complainy nature today. Seriously shouldn’t get trippy over letting the dogs out. It’s so easy to get upset or give vent to my anger. When really nothing is that upsetting. It’s just easy. I don’t think I’ve taken notice of the way I can get trippy. So here’s how I am going to change it:
Your favor today:
1. Sarah getting me the venti Java chip frappe and vanilla bean scone (I don’t know how they make it taste good when I thought scones aren’t supposed to be sweet)
2. Hot shower
3. That new light that dad put up that totally pulls out the steam
4. The sun
5. Trisha – I felt like I got to go long distance shopping with her and sip on coffee at the same time. But seriously. I’m thankful she will listen and tell me truth and handle my silence and send happy txt a while I’m at the doctor’s right when I must of been getting blood work. You did it intentionally, didn’t You?
6. Woman who mentioned my middle name – that you don’t get many Lindsay’s with an a.
7. The doctor saying she’ll pray for my cataract surgeries and that people see better after them.
8. The woman who took my blood saying my birthday is soon. It was kind and unexpected.
9. Teri. I love that she shares her life with me. She’s really making me want to watch The Greatest Showman now. But I shall wait.
10. Kristene DiMarco. Her music is lifting my spirits
11. Cookie n Cream cupcakes Sarah knows me well.
12. Kallayah. I love You for putting us in each other’s lives.
And that’s all I got right now. I need sleep. You give rest to Your beloved ones. I really need to take it. As well as receiving Your goodness. Oh and thank You for mom taking me doctor and getting corn and making it and mashed potties. Simple, but good.
Your tender-haired girl
PS. Not writing doesn’t do it for me. At all. I feel better.
Please never let me regret the time You’ve given right now. The time to be with my parents. Though I’m sure they are pumped about the cataracts or driving almost an an jour and some for this special care. They are totally giving special care. I mean the doctor felt like he came straight out of ER or something. He was so through. Yes, I spelled that wrong. And I never there were eye ultrasounds. I’m not sure how pumped I’m about this happening all around my birthday month. Surprise me with your goodness.Please.
Your tender haired girl
This morning, my parents and I headed to Emory, where I’m going to be having my surgeries done (one eye at a time) apparently). I put Kristene Dimarco playlist I made on & zoned out. As we drove I watched as the moon became the sun. It was a subtle reminder that Hesus was guiding the way and it would be okay. I didn’t become seriously nervous until we went into the exam room where they needed to check my vision. The woman who took care of me before the doctor, so kind She didn’t even care that I kept saying, no difference. I feel like I’m straining. And that I freaked out about a special machine not really meaning to, but it was so close and she was afraid of scratching my cornea.
And the doctor literally seems like he came out of ER or Grey’s Anatomy (never seen it, but I know it has to do with doctors haha). But he is very very serious in the best way of making sure I get the right care and answering questions. You can tell he really cares about eyes and making sure everything is covered. Which is why he is having me come back Monday to be seen by a specialist who deals with the back of the eye (which is where the cataracts are and what stopped the doctor from doing a full exam) before I can have the surgery scheduled. But it looks to be it will be in April. Easter and this. It’s like my hysterectomy last year around easter.
God really likes resurrecting things around this time. I mean I knew it, but this is so personal again. Makes me want to get seriously emotional. Jesus, please let there be some good stuff before and during this time. And you know the favor I asked with this? Please, please, please! Thank you for hearing me.
Gratitude list of today:
- the sunrise
- Kristene Dimarco playlist
- white chocolate coffee from mom
- donut/rice crispy treat from mom (still need to eat both)
- to get to go to this appointment with both of my parents
- the doctor/nurse/tech’s kindness, patience
- lunch: pho, thai s.pring rolls, orange soda (who loves orange soda? I do, I do oooh! Kenan & Kel, anyone?)
- Fortune cooke: You may lose the small things, but win the big things. (I still have no idea what this means, but it’s very interesting. Presence is pretty big to me right now. So Jesus, I can win presence? Intrigue.)
- Texts from Trisha, Shannan and Kallayah.
- A nap with the cat at my feet
I have no idea why I wrote all this especially since my eyes are still bugging me and I’m tired, but it needed to come out before I forget it all. Think I’m going to drink the rest of the orange soda and pop in a skit guys dvd and maybe fall asleep. Hello Friday night. 🙂