The day disappears.
Noises grow incessant.
God, shalom my mind.
The day disappears.
Noises grow incessant.
God, shalom my mind.
Let me not stay
Stuck in the fear
Of what is to come.
My heart is heavy
For the waiting is
Long. Will I be able to
See any better after they
Remove the film making
The clouds come, grey and
Sometimes black surround?
Will Your kindness abound
Upon the waking up? Before?
Should I keep calling You good
In the meantime? Yes, You are,
Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor
& a song for me to sing along,
my faithful, steadfast God,
Your tender-haired girl)
*( where the timer stopped.
I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:
Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.
I heard Your voice far away and close up today. Her gentle words to give it time. It’s okay. And to rest in You today. And the receptionist excited about my middle name. And the woman who took the time to say my birthday was soon before taking blood. I’m sorry for my complainy nature today. Seriously shouldn’t get trippy over letting the dogs out. It’s so easy to get upset or give vent to my anger. When really nothing is that upsetting. It’s just easy. I don’t think I’ve taken notice of the way I can get trippy. So here’s how I am going to change it:
Your favor today:
1. Sarah getting me the venti Java chip frappe and vanilla bean scone (I don’t know how they make it taste good when I thought scones aren’t supposed to be sweet)
2. Hot shower
3. That new light that dad put up that totally pulls out the steam
4. The sun
5. Trisha – I felt like I got to go long distance shopping with her and sip on coffee at the same time. But seriously. I’m thankful she will listen and tell me truth and handle my silence and send happy txt a while I’m at the doctor’s right when I must of been getting blood work. You did it intentionally, didn’t You?
6. Woman who mentioned my middle name – that you don’t get many Lindsay’s with an a.
7. The doctor saying she’ll pray for my cataract surgeries and that people see better after them.
8. The woman who took my blood saying my birthday is soon. It was kind and unexpected.
9. Teri. I love that she shares her life with me. She’s really making me want to watch The Greatest Showman now. But I shall wait.
10. Kristene DiMarco. Her music is lifting my spirits
11. Cookie n Cream cupcakes Sarah knows me well.
12. Kallayah. I love You for putting us in each other’s lives.
And that’s all I got right now. I need sleep. You give rest to Your beloved ones. I really need to take it. As well as receiving Your goodness. Oh and thank You for mom taking me doctor and getting corn and making it and mashed potties. Simple, but good.
Your tender-haired girl
PS. Not writing doesn’t do it for me. At all. I feel better.
Please never let me regret the time You’ve given right now. The time to be with my parents. Though I’m sure they are pumped about the cataracts or driving almost an an jour and some for this special care. They are totally giving special care. I mean the doctor felt like he came straight out of ER or something. He was so through. Yes, I spelled that wrong. And I never there were eye ultrasounds. I’m not sure how pumped I’m about this happening all around my birthday month. Surprise me with your goodness.Please.
Your tender haired girl
This morning, my parents and I headed to Emory, where I’m going to be having my surgeries done (one eye at a time) apparently). I put Kristene Dimarco playlist I made on & zoned out. As we drove I watched as the moon became the sun. It was a subtle reminder that Hesus was guiding the way and it would be okay. I didn’t become seriously nervous until we went into the exam room where they needed to check my vision. The woman who took care of me before the doctor, so kind She didn’t even care that I kept saying, no difference. I feel like I’m straining. And that I freaked out about a special machine not really meaning to, but it was so close and she was afraid of scratching my cornea.
And the doctor literally seems like he came out of ER or Grey’s Anatomy (never seen it, but I know it has to do with doctors haha). But he is very very serious in the best way of making sure I get the right care and answering questions. You can tell he really cares about eyes and making sure everything is covered. Which is why he is having me come back Monday to be seen by a specialist who deals with the back of the eye (which is where the cataracts are and what stopped the doctor from doing a full exam) before I can have the surgery scheduled. But it looks to be it will be in April. Easter and this. It’s like my hysterectomy last year around easter.
God really likes resurrecting things around this time. I mean I knew it, but this is so personal again. Makes me want to get seriously emotional. Jesus, please let there be some good stuff before and during this time. And you know the favor I asked with this? Please, please, please! Thank you for hearing me.
Gratitude list of today:
I have no idea why I wrote all this especially since my eyes are still bugging me and I’m tired, but it needed to come out before I forget it all. Think I’m going to drink the rest of the orange soda and pop in a skit guys dvd and maybe fall asleep. Hello Friday night. 🙂
In the midst
of the cat puke
(really, so gross.)
& the flu coming
steady, slow, You
bring the setting sun
through the living room
window. I sit there & marvel
at something so quietly blinding. For a
I let go. Frustration. Sorrow.
They surrender as my heart
to the glow. Darkness, no matter how
small can’t comprehend You. Your love
can not be controlled, matched,
yet here I lay waiting again for You. Still
me. Hush me with Your light speaking a
our world demands be audible.
your tender haired girl
Ps. I love You.
So, I know this month is national novel writing month. And for some reason I want to give it a go. For me, this is going to be a test to see if I can write actual letters to Jesus this month. No word count or the Nanowrimo site, but this will keep me accountable. I already missed day 1 so this is going well already. Hello kindness to self. 🙋 and this means two posts on Fridays (but I’ll try my best to space them out.) This is going to be fun.
Tentative title for this novel:
Letters From A Tender Haired Girl.
(Also, may be about my actual life. So don’t think this qualifies as a novel, but I’ll work with it. 😂)
Do you find it weird I am worn out after something I didn’t want to do? And it was the same with last Thursday too. With something I wanted to do.
And in the beginning of October. I was pumped in the waiting for these two things. Okay, I despaired quite a few times. Even though I had peace. Everything makes me tired. You know what I really wanted to say to this woman who did this intake for help to find a job? I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m in denial about being depressed. I did like launching books but I no longer know how to read for fun anymore. Or not take notes. And poetry helps me communicate with Jesus. I have to do it. I’ll lose it if I don’t. I’ve lost it some already.
But I said I write poetry and have been helping authors launch their books. Good stuff, isn’t it? That’s not really who I am. I’m your kid. Your kid who doesn’t want to work. Who feels lost and confused and wants a hug at least 25 times a day. Yeah, I know, weird number. But really it’s a lot. Maybe 100-150 real tight ones. But I need strength to keep going. I also apparently need lots of chocolate and slushies and if it’s at all possible more laughter and time to listen to audio books with a book. Let me pretend I’m sitting on your lap while you tell me a story. I’ll sit and turn the pages while I listen to you calm my anxious heart. With your comfort.
Let it be my delight. I have 60 days to wait and see how a woman who doesn’t know me only from what I say and paperwork can train me for a job. Be my advocate. Lord. You know my heart. You know my anxious heart and how I don’t want this. Really. Sleep sounds like the best thing in the world. Days of it. But I can’t. Help me. Let me see your heart in this wait and when you gently (oh please let it be gently) ask me to see what you have for me.
You are good. You are faithful. You are true. You know my heart. You know what I need and what I want. You know what is best and what will draw me close to you.
And right now, I need you.
I am weary from one
step out, no maybe
multiple steps out.
I find myself here
alone at this table
wondering if you will
make everything turn
out alright. I am afraid.
The silences I’ve given
today when I was asked
about handling conflict &
in the midst of trying to remember a
me shiver at the inexperience
I have in the working world. Though, let
me real and say
with how hard I am on myself,
everything is a job to me. And no matter
how much I beg for fun, and a chance to
I still long for you to coll
I’m tired. I did major scary things for me this week. I applied for jobs. At 27 years old, one would think I’d have one by now, but I think God has been gracious with me. He knows I have no idea what work/life balance is and if given a job, I’m so immersed in it I forget the world. The people. The friendship. I’ve never filled out an application ever. And the 3 I did made me like, God I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t seem like a fun time. Can’t I just sit here and listen to music and write you my feelings. I don’t want to work in a store. All the while I’m helping my mom with things and telling her I could be someone’s assistant and maybe it’s good I’ve never had a real job yet (I’ve helped a friend with editing when she worked at a publishing house but that ended sadly when my computer died. And it was so short but so much fun. And challenging.).
I also submitted an article for a magazine. I almost put it off too because I felt it really wasn’t going to matter. But I got reply about review that day and an interview for a store Monday happened today. The phone interview I kept blanking but at least I wasn’t completely terrified to talk to the person. Thanks to god’s strength. And then later today, my mom found a position to be a pastor’s assistant. The person isn’t in today and the list of duties overwhelms me; it’s also a good drive from me.
I don’t really want any of this, but god’s gentle, sure leading with these or if there’s something else. It’s a good thing despite what my head is trying to tell me, that I’m trying. Do I want God to just hand me something that fits perfectly for me? Yes. Do I need help trusting that he knows what’s best? Yes. Do I need to ignore the negative and downer spirit I feel? Yes.
Lord, help me with this. Make me ready for whatever you have coming my way. Show me the goodness you have today. And help me continue to pray. You are good and faithful. Amen.