Let’s go back to calling everybody “Dear.” Write everyone letters addressing them as close-to-our-hearts. Let them hold our words in their hands And be encouraged. Let’s go back to holding doors open for each other, No matter how far they lag behind. We’ll bring people with us As we walk into the world ahead. Let’s […]
Lord, I am
weak, as I watch
myself turn a shade
of sorrow, blue for what
will be missing soon. But,
what does that matter when
I have You? When I can tell You
my greatest fear–to be taken home
before my time, before I am ready. It’s
taking away of my ability to give birth.
But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel
tears willing spill. But the perspective
needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean
heavy upon the shoulder who
gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I
want to be
dance the way I see in my head. I want to
be brought to
I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set.
Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)
It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this:
I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.
I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:
1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.
3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.
4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.
5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)
6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.
7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.
8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).
9. Avocado sandwiches.
10. Skit Guys new podcast!
11. Sunshine in my eyes.
12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋 (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.
This is beautiful. Now I think I’m going to ponder the tone of a Valentine’s heart the rest of the day.. ☺️
You start the day with
Hurricanes of condemnation and loathing.
With every step you take,
You fall deeper and deeper
Into the pit.
This destructive, destroying world
And all its helpless people
Have taught you to be ashamed
Of what you’ve done, said, thought,
Of who you are.
When you look around you,
When you see your environment,
All you see is shadows.
Darkness pervades the air.
Desperation invades your heart.
Something inside you sparks. I have to get out of here.
You gather all the energy you can muster,
And you run.
You leave the desolate behind
Heading for what, you do not know.
Up ahead, you see something new coming,
And you’re fearful of the cloud bearing toward you.
You’ve left the terror-wind behind
To be caught up again in what you cannot control?
Cleansing waters now compete for your attention–
Showers of mercy and grace,
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Jesus, here i am,
wanting more &
less, but more Your
hand. Pull me back
or forward into Your
arms again-the only
arms strong enough
to hold me. Let Your
banner enfold me with
a love song I can hear
from miles wide-let my
cry be calm
This week. It has felt like many late night crying to God. Crying because I miss friends and want to do so many things, but so thankful for who He’s put in my life. who listen & tell me sweetest truth: relax. When I’m watching myself go down the prove myself going to lose everything track, this song speaks into the truth I’m trying to embrace. To make space to wait and see and breathe and hope even though that’s the hardest thing it feels like right now. When I’m so tired because my mind is racing with dreams and fears that maybe I’m a little crazy not to push harder. But then a book reminds me what God has for me won’t miss me and his word says:
He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. (Psalms 23:3 NLT)
And this today: But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:31, NLT)
I’ve heard this second verse in a song (so much laughter at the of this video, love it.) and I’m feeling like I need literal strength, but what can I praise him for in the meantime? Halos, those little tangelos that are easier to peel and so yummy. A taco, egg drop soup, crab ragoon and a fortune cookie that told me last night the rainbows treasures would be mine (I’m thinking god’s faithfulness instead of gold) from my sister. A friend who texts you questions and random pics of things that make you laugh because God is good at holding things together in heart even if there’s distance physically. Another friend reminding you all is well even if your heart wants to convince you otherwise. Good books. Sompingme (The silliness between me and my mom and the way a smile will well up in my heart and then spread across my mouth at this word, 😍). Prayer. That God listens, hears, sees and promises he is doing something new even if it’s hard to preceive and I want it right now. That he loves me right here, right now in the middle.
I come here
to the kitchen table
again, to find you.
Abba, to connect
with you. As a child
asks for their favorite
meal: I feast on your word:
Keep me safe, o God. In my ears I hear,
for He who promised is faithful. Hope,
come life up again, give me
a spirit lift, a turbo st
A new year. A new word. A rediscovery of an artist that I cannot turn off.
Delight. I tried to write this on my Buddha board, one of the gifts my sister gave me for Christmas. I only used once and the frustration came quick but receeded as I realized this might be one of the best gifts. It’s one of Jesus’ subtle reminders, hey, relax. I don’t expect you to be so serious with it. I’m not as serious with you.
Yes, Jesus, I want to say, but do you feel the tension inside?! What if I break it? Look. 😂 I really am hard on myself. The brush had a stray bristle & I almost had a breakdown.
But this year, I’m going to try to delight in God as much in the hard and more in the good. I really need to work on both. And I’m praying as I do, he’ll draw close.
“The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.”
Psalms 37:23 NLT
May this be true of this year, Abba, as you teach me to delight in you.
Open the book,
& begin to write
a letter of my heart-
I’ve always wanted to
be fast, to wear designer
jeans, sandals, have someone
always by my side. Their confidence, but
how do you like me like this?
broken body, slow as the elderly outside,
but youthful in spirit. How much does it
This is what happens when you write to music..you almost don’t get the word in because you’re too caught up in the song. But whoa this prompt made me want to talk about wanting to get mail (book mail is awesome but something about a letter today just would hit the spot. And chocolate. And a hug from a friend. Laughter. You think you could send that all through the mail, Jesus? Because that’d be cool..) but this also made me think of the letters from friends. And books. And mail I’ve sent all: JESUS! I’m way too excited!! Stamps. We have to have those! I can’t wait til they get it!! The anticipation is high…hope they get it.. 😮😶🤔😅😃
I love how very random this is. Or silly. I’m going to keep mailing Jesus worship because it’s keeping me awake & I kind of feel he enjoys my delirium this week. So thankful he will sit with me however I am. He’ll wash over me with his love. Yes, that may be from this. I like where you’re going with all these reprises, Jesus. Mhm, I do.
love this so much. Such an accurate dipiction of an introvert. 😂 And it’s even scary when trying to get the words out..