11/2/17

So, I know this month is national novel writing month. And for some reason I want to give it a go. For me, this is going to be a test to see if I can write actual letters to Jesus this month. No word count or the Nanowrimo site, but this will keep me accountable. I already missed day 1 so this is going well already. Hello kindness to self. 🙋 and this means two posts on Fridays (but I’ll try my best to space them out.)  This is going to be fun. 

Tentative title for this novel:

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl.

(Also, may be about my actual life. So don’t think this qualifies as a novel, but I’ll work with it. 😂)

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Day 1

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God,
Do you find it weird I am worn out after something I didn’t want to do? And it was the same with last Thursday too. With something I wanted to do. 

And in the beginning of October. I was pumped in the waiting for these two things. Okay, I despaired quite a few times. Even though I had peace. Everything makes me tired. You know what I really wanted to say to this woman who did this intake for help to find a job? I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m in denial about being depressed. I did like launching books but I no longer know how to read for fun anymore. Or not take notes. And poetry helps me communicate with Jesus. I have to do it. I’ll lose it if I don’t. I’ve lost it some already. 
But I said I write poetry and have been helping authors launch their books. Good stuff, isn’t it? That’s not really who I am. I’m your kid. Your kid who doesn’t want to work. Who feels lost and confused and wants a hug at least 25 times a day. Yeah, I know, weird number. But really it’s a lot. Maybe 100-150 real tight ones. But I need strength to keep going. I also apparently need lots of chocolate and slushies and if it’s at all possible more laughter and time to listen to audio books with a book. Let me pretend I’m sitting on your lap while you tell me a story. I’ll sit and turn the pages while I listen to you calm my anxious heart. With your comfort. 
Let it be my delight. I have 60 days to wait and see how a woman who doesn’t know me only from what I say and paperwork can train me for a job. Be my advocate. Lord. You know my heart. You know my anxious heart and how I don’t want this. Really. Sleep sounds like the best thing in the world. Days of it. But I can’t. Help me. Let me see your heart in this wait and when you gently (oh please let it be gently) ask me to see what you have for me.
You are good. You are faithful. You are true. You know my heart. You know what I need and what I want. You know what is best and what will draw me close to you. 
And right now, I need you. 
Love,

Tender-haired 

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ect me in your arms now.

Jesus,
I am weary from one 

step out, no maybe 

multiple steps out. 

I find myself here 

alone at this table

wondering if you will

make everything turn 

out alright. I am afraid. 

The silences I’ve given 

today when I was asked 

about handling conflict &

in the midst of trying to remember a 

name, make

me shiver at the inexperience 

I have in the working world. Though, let 

me real and say 

with how hard I am on myself,

everything is a job to me. And no matter 

how much I beg for fun, and a chance to 

go slow,

I still long for you to coll
fmf: collect

I’m tired. I did major scary things for me this week. I applied for jobs. At 27 years old, one would think I’d have one by now, but I think God has been gracious with me. He knows I have no idea what work/life balance is and if given a job, I’m so immersed in it I forget the world. The people. The friendship. I’ve never filled out an application ever. And the 3 I did made me like, God I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t seem like a fun time. Can’t I just sit here and listen to music and write you my feelings. I don’t want to work in a store. All the while I’m helping my mom with things and telling her I could be someone’s assistant and maybe it’s good I’ve never had a real job yet (I’ve helped a friend with editing when she worked at a publishing house but that ended sadly when my computer died. And it was so short but so much fun. And challenging.). 
I also submitted an article for a magazine.  I almost put it off too because I felt it really wasn’t going to matter. But I got reply about review that day and an interview for a store Monday happened today. The phone interview I kept blanking but at least I wasn’t completely terrified to talk to the person. Thanks to god’s strength. And then later today, my mom found a position to be a pastor’s assistant. The person isn’t in today and the list of duties overwhelms me; it’s also a good drive from me. 

I don’t really want any of this, but god’s gentle, sure leading with these or if there’s something else. It’s a good thing despite what my head is trying to tell me, that I’m trying. Do I want God to just hand me something that fits perfectly for me? Yes. Do I need help trusting that he knows what’s best? Yes. Do I need to ignore the negative and downer spirit I feel? Yes.

Lord, help me with this. Make me ready for whatever you have coming my way. Show me the goodness you have today. And help me continue to pray. You are good and faithful. Amen. 

Let’s Go Back, Dear

Let’s go back to calling everybody “Dear.” Write everyone letters addressing them as close-to-our-hearts. Let them hold our words in their hands And be encouraged. Let’s go back to holding doors open for each other, No matter how far they lag behind. We’ll bring people with us As we walk into the world ahead. Let’s […]

via Let’s Go Back, Dear — Meg Lynch

life again.

Lord, I am 
weak, as I watch 

myself turn a shade 

of sorrow, blue for what

will be missing soon. But,

what does that matter when 

I have You? When I can tell You

my greatest fear–to be taken home

before my time, before I am ready. It’s 

taking away of my ability to give birth. 

But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel 

tears willing spill. But the perspective 

needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean 

heavy upon the shoulder who

gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I 

want to be 

dance the way I see in my head. I want to 

be brought to 
Fmf: weak.

I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set. 

I’ve been coloring in my bible most of the day: 

Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)

It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this: 

I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:

1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.


2. The lunchable offered by my dad

3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.

4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.

5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)

6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.

7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.

8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).

9. Avocado sandwiches. 

10. Skit Guys new podcast!

11. Sunshine in my eyes.

12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋  (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.

Showers of Peace

This is beautiful. Now I think I’m going to ponder the tone of a Valentine’s heart the rest of the day.. ☺️

Meg Lynch

You start the day with
Hurricanes of condemnation and loathing.
With every step you take,
You fall deeper and deeper
Into the pit.

This destructive, destroying world
And all its helpless people
Have taught you to be ashamed
Of what you’ve done, said, thought,
Of who you are.

When you look around you,
When you see your environment,
All you see is shadows.
Darkness pervades the air.
Desperation invades your heart.

Something inside you sparks. I have to get out of here.
You gather all the energy you can muster,
And you run.
You leave the desolate behind
Heading for what, you do not know.

Up ahead, you see something new coming,
And you’re fearful of the cloud bearing toward you.
You’ve left the terror-wind behind
For what?
To be caught up again in what you cannot control?

Cleansing waters now compete for your attention–
Showers of mercy and grace,

View original post 125 more words

waters You stilled.

Jesus, here i am,
wanting more & 

less, but more Your

hand. Pull me back

or forward into Your

arms again-the only

arms strong enough 

to hold me. Let Your

banner enfold me with

a love song I can hear 

from miles wide-let my

cry be calm
fmf: middle.

This week. It has felt like many late night crying to God. Crying because I miss friends and want to do so many things, but so thankful for who He’s put in my life. who listen & tell me sweetest truth: relax. When I’m watching myself go down the prove myself going to lose everything track, this song speaks into the truth I’m trying to embrace. To make space to wait and see and breathe and hope even though that’s the hardest thing it feels like right now. When I’m so tired because my mind is racing with dreams and fears that maybe I’m a little crazy not to push harder. But then a book reminds me what God has for me won’t miss me and his word says:

He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. (‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭3‬ NLT)

And this today: But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

(Isaiah 40:31, NLT)

I’ve heard this second verse in a song (so much laughter at the of this video, love it.) and I’m feeling like I need literal strength, but what can I praise him for in the meantime? Halos, those little tangelos that are easier to peel and so yummy. A taco, egg drop soup, crab ragoon and a fortune cookie that told me last night the rainbows treasures would be mine (I’m thinking god’s faithfulness instead of gold) from my sister. A friend who texts you questions and random pics of things that make you laugh because God is good at holding things together in heart even if there’s distance physically. Another friend reminding you all is well even if your heart wants to convince you otherwise. Good books. Sompingme (The silliness between me and my mom and the way a smile will well up in my heart and then spread across my mouth at this word, 😍). Prayer. That God listens, hears, sees and promises he is doing something new even if it’s hard to preceive and I want it right now. That he loves me right here, right now in the middle.

style smile to ignite me again.

I come here 

to the kitchen table

again, to find you.

Abba, to connect 

with you. As a child

asks for their favorite 

meal: I feast on your word:

Keep me safe, o God. In my ears I hear, 

for He who promised is faithful. Hope,

come life up again, give me 

a spirit lift, a turbo st

fmf: connect.
A new year. A new word. A rediscovery of an artist that I cannot turn off.

Delight. I tried to write this on my Buddha board, one of the gifts my sister gave me for Christmas. I only used once and the frustration came quick but receeded as I realized this might be one of the best gifts. It’s one of Jesus’ subtle reminders, hey, relax. I don’t expect you to be so serious with it. I’m not as serious with you. 

Yes, Jesus, I want to say, but do you feel the tension inside?! What if I break it? Look. 😂 I really am hard on myself. The brush had a stray bristle & I almost had a breakdown. 

But this year, I’m going to try to delight in God as much in the hard and more in the good. I really need to work on both. And I’m praying as I do, he’ll draw close.

“The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:23‬ ‭NLT‬

May this be true of this year, Abba, as you teach me to delight in you.