a tired plea

God of all comfort,

come with Your songs

of deliverance – may

they be as loud as the birds

surrounding me now. They know

the worth of singing in the middle

of a storm, when the world is in

upheaval, nothing

stops their fighting songs

from greeting the morning.

You are their and my portion

& my strength – to face another

day to see another magnolia

bloom & perfume this swollen

earth.

in every way

God,

I feel the fear

creeping over my heart

that I’ve messed up again.

it begs my question come

to the surface again: are

You as kind when I fall short

of Your glory even now? My heart shivers with the lies: no

one will love you when you fail,

look at you now. I want to be held, to be reassured again & bask in Your love for me in the

biggest to the smallest of ways.

Lord, I need you. I need you to

show me I am the o(ne you go deep for each & every day.)

fmf: deep.

self pep talk

dear sad girl,

i know you’re tired today. so tired you want to sleep the rest the day away. that hat is on its way to remind you God is in high pursuit of you. waves of goodness. let it overwhelm you. crash over you. open your mouth & let God fill you. let him draw close to you. play with that playdoh, making flowers. or hearts. turn up the music loud and sing in the shower, not caring who hears you.

when you get your haircut this weekend, remind yourself you are beautiful. and when you remember that one time your grandma said you looked a bit Justin Bieber when she took to get your haircut once, laugh.

it’s fall. watch the leaves fall. drink all the apple cider. embrace everything God is giving you right now. himself. family. friends that will listen and pray. that make you feel included and loved from miles away. the encouragement to keep writing.

God is surrounding you.

keep your eyes on the horizon.

j

ps. If you ever get the chance to thank hollyn for this album you can’t turn off, do it.

since the beginning.

Dear sad girl,

it’s a success

you woke up

this morning.

I know you’re hurting,

but there is something

on the horizon. There

will be a man who will see

you are worth more than

worldly distraction. He will

treat you as beloved. A queen

with a smile better than a

diamond. He’ll give you the

the time of day & surprise you.

but for now, look around you.

Look at the one who’s been

fmf: success.

10/5/18

//

Day 120

//

God, 

what can I share 

with You that’s on my heart 

You don’t already know –

my body aches, my eyes hurt 

as if I haven’t slept in weeks 

even though I went to sleep 

at 7 last night and woke up 

at 2 am wanting You. Staring 

into the darkness, feeling 

disoriented and lost. 

I want to sleep for hours

but fill my heart with noise, 

truth, silence. I want to go back 

up north and feel the autumn that can’t 

be found in 88 degrees. Or changing 

colors of leaves. Yellows. Reds. Oranges. 

God, my heart longs to know

what You are doing but still 

I am content. I am c(ontent to be still and 

wait for You. Come soon, won’t You?)
fmf: share.

(* where timer stopped. 

4/27/18

//

Day 100

//

God,

Let me not stay

Stuck in the fear

Of what is to come.

My heart is heavy

For the waiting is

Long. Will I be able to

See any better after they

Remove the film making

The clouds come, grey and

Sometimes black surround?

Will Your kindness abound

Upon the waking up? Before?

Should I keep calling You good

In the meantime? Yes, You are,

Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor

& a song for me to sing along,

my faithful, steadfast God,

friend,

 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl)

 

fmf: stuck

*( where the timer stopped.

 

I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:

  1. Friends praying.
  2. Call the Midwife on PBS. One of the Sisters in the show has cataracts. Even she is a lot older, it’s been reassuring to see how instead of being told, get over it -it’s a routine thing. She is told it is okay to be afraid. And she also says she’d rather live in darkness and bolts out if the doctor’s office when it gets too much. I haven’t bolted, but I’ve told God, can’t You just take them away, please? This is my deepest fear. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled to see how he comforts me after. The Sister had a woman she wound up becoming friends with and Kelly told me she’ll be coming after with a milkshake and a movie that I will gladly watch with one eye. And maybe some confetti? #lastchallengeof100daystobrave
  3. Helping another friend with math. Learning when and where to use the distributive property is SO FUN. I don’t even know I still remember some of this math..but I love  how God is showing me again we need someone to believe in  us& struggle with us and show us, hey, we’re not alone.
  4. Pasta salad for dinner tonight. I am pumped.
  5. Starting A Wrinkle in Time the book with Shannan and Kelly. I’ve already told Shannan time is getting wrinkly. lol day folding into night. the title could inspire a poem.

Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.

4/11/18

//

Day 96

//

God,
I heard Your voice far away and close up today. Her gentle words to give it time. It’s okay. And to rest in You today. And the receptionist excited about my middle name. And the woman who took the time to say my birthday was soon before taking blood. I’m sorry for my complainy nature today. Seriously shouldn’t get trippy over letting the dogs out. It’s so easy to get upset or give vent to my anger. When really nothing is that upsetting. It’s just easy. I don’t think I’ve taken notice of the way I can get trippy. So here’s how I am going to change it:

Your favor today:

1. Sarah getting me the venti Java chip frappe and vanilla bean scone (I don’t know how they make it taste good when I thought scones aren’t supposed to be sweet)

2. Hot shower

3. That new light that dad put up that totally pulls out the steam

4. The sun

5. Trisha – I felt like I got to go long distance shopping with her and sip on coffee at the same time. But seriously. I’m thankful she will listen and tell me truth and handle my silence and send happy txt a while I’m at the doctor’s right when I must of been getting blood work. You did it intentionally, didn’t You?

6. Woman who mentioned my middle name – that you don’t get many Lindsay’s with an a.

7. The doctor saying she’ll pray for my cataract surgeries and that people see better after them.

8. The woman who took my blood saying my birthday is soon. It was kind and unexpected.

9. Teri. I love that she shares her life with me. She’s really making me want to watch The Greatest Showman now. But I shall wait.

10. Kristene DiMarco. Her music is lifting my spirits

11. Cookie n Cream cupcakes  Sarah knows me well.

12. Kallayah. I love You for putting us in each other’s lives.

 

And that’s all I got right now. I need sleep. You give rest to Your beloved ones. I really need to take it. As well as receiving Your goodness. Oh and thank You for mom taking me doctor and getting corn and making it and mashed potties. Simple, but good.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Not writing doesn’t do it for me. At all. I feel better.

3/2/18

//

Day 75

//

God,

Please never let me regret the time You’ve given right now. The time to be with my parents. Though I’m sure they are pumped about the cataracts or driving almost an an jour and some for this special care. They are totally giving special care. I mean the doctor felt like he came straight out of ER or something. He was so through. Yes, I spelled that wrong. And I never there were eye ultrasounds. I’m not sure how pumped I’m about this happening all around my birthday month. Surprise me with your goodness.Please.
Your tender haired girl

 

fmf: regret

This morning, my parents and I headed to Emory, where I’m going to be having my surgeries done (one eye at a time) apparently). I put Kristene Dimarco playlist I made on & zoned out. As we drove I watched as the moon became the sun. It was a subtle reminder that Hesus was guiding the way and it would be okay. I didn’t become seriously nervous until we went into the exam room where they needed to check my vision. The woman who took care of me before the doctor, so kind She didn’t even care that I kept saying, no difference. I feel like I’m straining. And that I freaked out about a special machine not really meaning to, but it was so close and she was afraid of scratching my cornea.

And the doctor literally seems like he came out of ER or Grey’s Anatomy (never seen it, but I know it has to do with doctors haha). But he is very very serious in the best way of making sure I get the right care and answering questions. You can tell he really cares about  eyes and making sure everything is covered. Which is why he is having me come back Monday to be seen by a specialist who deals with the back of the eye (which is where the cataracts are and what stopped the doctor from doing a full exam) before I can have the surgery scheduled. But it looks to be it will be in April. Easter and this. It’s like my hysterectomy last year around easter.

God really likes resurrecting things around this time. I mean I knew it, but this is so personal again. Makes me want to get seriously emotional. Jesus, please let there be some good stuff before and during this time. And you know the favor I asked with this? Please, please, please! Thank you for hearing me.

Gratitude list of today:

  • the sunrise
  • Kristene Dimarco playlist
  • white chocolate coffee from mom
  • donut/rice crispy treat from mom (still need to eat both)
  • to get to go to this appointment with both of my parents
  • the doctor/nurse/tech’s kindness, patience
  • lunch: pho, thai s.pring rolls, orange soda (who loves orange soda? I do, I do oooh! Kenan & Kel, anyone?)
  • Fortune cooke: You may lose the small things, but win the big things. (I still have no idea what this means, but it’s very interesting. Presence is pretty big to me right now. So Jesus, I can win presence? Intrigue.)
  • Texts from Trisha, Shannan and Kallayah.
  • A nap with the cat at my feet

 

I have no idea why I wrote all this especially since my eyes are still bugging me and I’m tired, but it needed to come out before I forget it all. Think I’m going to drink the rest of the orange soda and pop in a skit guys dvd and maybe fall asleep. Hello Friday night. 🙂

 

1/20/18

//

Day 55

//

Father,

In the midst 

of the cat puke

(really, so gross.)

& the flu coming 

steady, slow, You

bring the setting sun 

through the living room

window. I sit there & marvel

at something so quietly blinding. For a 

moment,

I let go. Frustration. Sorrow. 

They surrender as my heart 

to the glow. Darkness, no matter how 

small can’t comprehend You. Your love 

can not be controlled, matched, 

yet here I lay waiting again for You. Still 

me. Hush me with Your light speaking a 

silence 

our world demands be audible. 

Love,

your tender haired girl 
Ps. I love You. 

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