she can’t quit

meanwhile,
(while grievous)
be content with
unimportance,
like You.

Jesus,
on the mountain
did You cry for
Your Father—
please,

remind me
I am whom
You love.
Wrap me
in belief.

I’ce read
how You lavish
love on me every
breath. silence
the best gift,

watching me
cry & hide in
truth—I may
be envious
of people fine

in telling You
goodbyes—
nullifying heart
with all pleasure
feeble hands can,

(food, words, screen)

Your promise to guide
tenderly & bless me;
envelops this blue
sheep in longing

today, I had a list of all i want to do today. that isn’t happening. instead, i wrote this to remind myself small isn’t bad. Satan’s been trying tell me, oh, Julia, no one sees or cares what you’re doing. How come no one is paying attention to how sad and confused you feel? No one is even listening. You’ll be lonely forever. Stop praying, He isn’t listening. Stop giving, it isn’t changing anything.

And Jesus, knowing that I’ve gone a little crazy (lack of being able to sleep and food. I have food, it all just tastes off), leads me to Psalm 73:

though i am plagued by grief when i think i’m doing okay (and everyone around seems happy), Jesus is still holding my hand, leading me in his love tenderly. Somewhere in my heart, I think He’s left me, but then I think He’s loving me quietly.

The best thing for me.

arms holding me eternally tight

yes, maybe i
am blue over
how easily i want
to renounce all
my friends. for
being alone is
easier, than exploding
on who i know: God loves
me like this..my insides
ache with a longing no
human can ever meet.
i want to run aground
this want

FMF prompt: blue. I’ve been watching Jesus start to overwhelm me with this question: will you let me fill your emptiness with myself? i think i’m scared (no, i am) of being brought to the floor in tears with how much he loves me. i’ve been fighting pushing everyone away and locking myself with Jesus, or running to everyone else & leaving him behind (which is silly because he’ll never leave my side).

I’m thankful for who God has placed in my life right now. They make me laugh, look me in the eyes (even when I’m off in lala land, or look like I may break), listen, hug me, hold me, sing with me & encourage me to believe God has a plan for my life.

That’s a good thing he hasn’t withheld from me. God, please help me to relax into your love. Help me receive with open hands. Let me taste & savor your goodness. Grace.

Let me fall in love without knowing.

To You, Under Oklahoma Sky

You’ve turned my heart.

I’m not looking inward,

pointing a shaming finger,

or letting my tongue

tsk tsk my brain’s drifting

thought pattern. Here,

I sit upon comforting bed,

my eyes stung by sleep loss

a week could not gain.

Mother says I should slip

inside dream if my weary head allows.

Such a luxury will not happen today.

My eyes wish lending tears

for my friend, whom You love

more than I ever will. Oh, how

I can’t will them out, but keep

whispering, you are beautiful,

you don’t need another validating

shine given before your beginning.

He thought you, blue tendered skies

worth a glimpsing. whether laughing,

or weeping. You look at her, His Beloved,

declaring, Daughter, do you not see this well

will never delight you? Living water stands

willing give a flowing spring for all eternity.

I know all these loves

you thought surely would catch

your fragile bones. Calling your heart

the dearest ever to be caught. But,

they broke their forevers the moment

you cast your wishing net praying depth.

You come up empty each time.

I want to fill you with life, so you

know I am the way, the truth, the life.

I do not make mistakes, you have

a room in the home of my Father.

No matter what gifts you may squander,

roaming desert lands hoping another human claims you worthy,

I will call you back to Me. I will woo you as I did Gomez, speaking

gently the promises as a compassionate mother. I will not leave,

nor forsake you. I will rest my hand upon you. Peace not of this world

will free you from expectation to be less than the child I’ve made you.

You will no longer be trouble or afraid. I’ve been waiting, and I will

continue on if that is what you need. But, oh my darling, I ache

intimacy with you only. Can’t you see?

We fight the same battle—licking wounds brought by anger—fearful

maybe our voices are best laid to rest early. Still, a prayer finds me.

May you bless us , keeping us in Your presence, so wherever

we may look, we are overcome by the brilliancy of Your face

sweeping us up & away.

Dear Thief, Bravo

I listen to a song

tell me I’m worth more than gold.

Sour cream & cheddar cheese Ruffles

waft through this lonely, lowly dimmed room.

Now, a woman sings a request I’m unsure

I’ve ever asked, but my heart can’t tell a lie.

Would You stay with me, crying through

my chest a quiet beat wanting resignation?

Lies have met my mind’s threshold today.

No one cares about you.

Orange juice sits on the bedside table.

Good job betraying your mother.

Vicious laughter followed by,

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Don’t you know when words are many,

sin is never absent? You can cry

all the hidden tears, but Jesus knows

what a fool you’ve become.

Talking about what you’ve seen, know

without thinking, realizing you could turn

the only parent against you.

You want that?

You are a baby, writing all this

waiting for someone to pity you.

People have been pitying for five days.

Looking you in the eyes.

Buying you grapes.

Nutri-grain bars.

Pop tarts.

Asking, how are you?

You blink.

You stare.

You answer.

You look away.

You find yourself here, wrapped

underneath a comforter, repeating

your need for a sympathetic ear.

You want more. You want a physical body,

wrapping those anxiety bones in a day

long hug, easing you into a silence

you won’t sit with, because I, the lying Father,

terrify you to believe no one will understand you.

You should remain quiet.

Stop writing,

Give up.

Jesus was tempted

every way you are.

He didn’t sin though.

I bet He didn’t doubt His Father’s love

the way you are with not getting your heart desires.

You are selfish

A child so weak, your Father

gave Himself to save

out of the hands of doubt.

Yet, you doubt His loving blessings,

wanting something more than loneliness.

Shame. Shame.

If This Is Loneliness, I Am Honest

I wake early where world is hushed,

black bruise turned dark blue.

Lightest whisper coming still

a well to break my will. I do not want,

nor wish to show my weakness, but

my eyes fill with wonder, if lonely

shows my desperation for You.

Someone said this is an intimate cry

for You to hold my doubting face

between compassionate, scarred

hands, simmering with remark:

You are beautiful, there is no blemish

I see. You’ve made mistakes. You

have run and sought idols,

promising: never will I idle you. When

you see they all leave you, you cry,

Doesn’t anyone love me? Why won’t

anyone stay beside me long?

I watch your fall below, as a leaf

draws near the dirtied earth.

Stepped on & over, you forgo love,

burying your brilliant color under

soiled shame. I don’t deserve this,

a whisper caught between your

cracking spine, where I began.

You were a forethought.

The sun & moon could go in night’s

cover. A sparrow could fall mid flight

without their companion. How much

more do I love you! Why do you try

so hard to prove yourself to me?

I don’t care whether you didn’t call,

even though every thought is telling

you to push away the wait. I’m

asking you to be still. Your mind runs

away: I am not being productive. I’m

not doing what I’m told. I’m making

a mistake. I am a mistake. I must be

upsetting You, too. I should move

faster. Fast as these thoughts so I

make You proud. I can’t fail You, too.

Darling, your worry breaks My heart.

I clothe every flower, how much

more I care for the state of your

heart. You do not have to fear,

I am here with you. Do not fear

gazing in My eyes longer than you

are used to. I want you to know

I see you. All the pain. All the fear

whether this is true. I am no human,

but I clothed Myself in skin, tempted

with the riches of the world, tested

by Satan, to throw Myself under to

be lifted high again by angels. You

don’t have to test me. I am your

God, friend who knows the

weakness to believe you are the only

one who is misunderstood, lonely.

I hung on a cross, naked, pinned

with blood all down my body.

My mother cried with my friends,

knowing I was to die.

Stones and whips made Me cry out:

Father, why have you forsaken Me?

Forgive them, for they know not

what they do. I was alone, empty,

afraid. Still, I said, Father, I place My

spirit into Your hands. This is how

I love you. I love you first, before

Myself, so I may come to you every

day with Love upon my lips, glinting

shine in My eyes, waiting to hear you

speak sweetly your request: My face

absent reproach you announce over

yourself.

Speak Again, Love

IMG_0860.JPG

Sweet is the sound.

Your voice, slow greeting

My eardrum in this garden,

heeding downtrodden woes.

My heart & flesh are failing,

falling below a standard I’ve set:

I can be lonely. I can be fine.

By myself. On my own.

I don’t need to be alone with You.

I’m lying.

I do.

Oh, my Friend,

I am aching.

Resorting to quiet speech.

I do not know to do.

Nor are the choices mine

in making me gaze more

into Your beloved face,

I am only satisfied in You.

If this loneliness is to keep me

back from seeking humanly comfort,

or advice leaving me in a fetal

vice I never turn my back on,

I’ll sit here writing scrawls

with my broken voice connecting

our sorrows as one silence

better shared with He, who wept

before my name bore bloom

an April morn pain declined.

Lying To Myself

Dirtied bare soles
before my eyes.

We must move.
We must go.
We must do.
We must live.

We must.
Always run.
Running.
Never ran.

Ameslan-
stay present tense.
don’t walk, run.
Find yourself.

Now.

Don’t go slower
remembering why,
Who, when, or even what.

It is the how I am passing through
in the backseat on the way home
from grabbing late night icecream.

How can I be this lonely with two
other people in the car, recounting memories as strangers turned friends, now lovers?

How can I when they’re reminiscing separate, but equally important memories with me?

Walking the length of IHOP’s parking lot, laughing until we found the exit to walk inside, because we were talking.

The time we played in a playhouse and he came out of nowhere, knocking out my neck breath,
saying, Come on, Julia. Get up.

Crawled away.

How can I have this pang
ever time he turned around,
said Your name & I’m smiling?

How can I not be longing
physically embrace from my Beloved, when before me there is
laughter, remembrance, arm touches?

How come by night’s end
I’m asking You to forgive me
for words I didn’t mean,
said anyway?

I fear You will stop loving
me.

I want You near
enough to lose my breath,
stop my lonely,

I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry.

I don’t want
hurry, but I want
Your lovingkindness
to replace my dirty.

August

You did not rush me-
leaving the cup empty,
as I filled the porcelain
with sorrow water.

You said: Though you hate yourself,
pitying each loss, mistake, wrong,
don’t you see how deep My love for thee goes?

I said: I worry You’ll leave too. You’ll say, “woe is her. She knows not what she wants.” Oh, to taste Your wine, pungent joy, I fear I’ll become drunk.

You said: Does the Georgia breeze not stir your soul to meet with Me time and time again? You sit in the chair, rocking your fears given brevity. You let them simmer, will not let the nightingale sing you to sleep.

I said: étonnant grace You show me now as I have nothing to fear.
You have said: I will never leave, nor forsake this child I love so. She is altogether beautiful. There is no flaw within.

You said: Trust in Me. It may seem all is ending, but I AM with thee.

Who Sees Me

I haven’t prayed the way I think
I should: listing all my wants/needs
I wish fulfilled. I’ve been sitting still on this porch, music low enough
to hear, see the world.

The crickets rub their legs together,
making a song birds carry travels long. Yellow wings flutter about,
time is no concept with freedom found. Crows caw. Dogs bark.

The sun shines. Fades away. Cars pass to & fro,
home bound or other places far.
People talk. Car doors slam. Empty or full, I do not know. Another bird calls out a phrase I know, yet fear admittance.

Help.

Help.

Help.
Help.

Help.

Help.
Help.

A car starts, pulls away.

The bird is quiet now.

I turn the music back on.

I paused to listen to this bird cry.

A song plays about waiting for God.
His voice far away.
You are alone.
Lonely.

What you’d give
to hear your name,
sweet is the sound
on Beloved lips-

a garden perfumed
the Word with, in,
about you.

You look at me-
I know, Jesus,
isolation brings my soul
back to truth: You forsake not,
letting my heart, mind, body
come as they are, crippled.

Needing You,
my true beauty,
my unspoken prayer,
my Husband.
my Brother.
my Friend.

My Father,
forever.