God, here we are
again. The sun is
shining out the kitchen
window. The cat lays in
front of my space so I cannot
physically write. It is not the same cat,
but still shows me
You are faithful. Yahweh, you
are my provider, you are doing
everything for your own good pleasure–
some might say delight. God, it takes
to remember right now in this
moment You are still good even
I lose control, have to wait, things seem
to be being taken
Right now, this song is playing. I love that it fits in with the prompt. 😂 I think God may have done that with a purpose. Every time I hear this, I’m always somehow telling God: 🙋 yes, no more drama to mess up my flow! I want to go on a holiday! Let’s go!
But then I think if I went on a holiday, I would like it a little too much. Maybe. My brain needs a holiday from the thoughts that seek get me in a feedback loop of: did I really do, say that? Ugh, Lord, I don’t deserve your love. Can I just stay right here and not move? I don’t know why I’m doing this anymore. Why am I going again? I don’t understand this, Jesus! I need to be still and relax. I need to be still, not so pushy. How about we just talk forever. Jesus.
This week has been hard. Tiring. Vulnerability is tiring. Wanting to pray for everyone is tiring/good (maybe not always necessary when you are tired and God knows your heart. Wanting to see and savor the good is hard when you’d rather push it away and ignore it, doesn’t mean God doesn’t still say, hey, I’m over here.
It doesn’t mean I can’t still ask and wonder why, how can this be? Are you sure I can keep asking for things, but mostly to see you more and that’s okay?
I can keep reading your word and question it. Like the guy at the banquet table who isn’t wearing wedding clothes and is asked to leave or put where there is suffering. And the King says, many are called but few are chosen.
Was the guy chosen? Provided wedding clothes? Are you not allowed to come to the King as you are? Is it specially selected clothing that sets these selected guesses apart? Why did the previous guests say no? I say no a lot.. But I mean, it’s a BANQUET. The food has to be top notch for a king. There’s probably pie..and cake..and bread..and garlic mashed potatoes because they are my favorite. And bosco sticks because cheese in bread sometimes is okay. And really it isn’t so much about the food and God looking at me and saying, hey girl, I love you. Won’t you enjoy this feast with me and stop worrying. I love you. Still.
God, your eyes are so sparkly and twinkly. I don’t want to look away. Even though it scares me. This intimacy. This love you have for me. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. Every breath. Every heartbeat. It is I love you, Julia. Not less because of the thoughts you had five minutes ago that I’m taking away from you. Not what you say or do. I love you because I do. You can fight and push me away, stare at me and ask me why why why? I don’t deserve this. Look at how pushy and vulnerable I am, how I long to be with you at a table and read, sing, talk to you all day long when I should want to do something. But I want to be, held, loved. Something that is so deep i don’t even get it. Lord.
You know it all, and yet you love me still.