him?

It is a challenge,

LORD, to not sit here

& go back to the look

On his face when he said,

I don’t know why I’m telling you this…”

And then my sinks, goes so quiet

I’m not sure it beats but a whisper now.

I remember nothing else but feeling

Lost for days after. And the last time 

We were together, feeling that push 

Away. And I sat there, empty.

I dont what to say to people,

Was I just a figure head to

fmf: challenge.

even as I am misunderstood

they say,
being loved
is the greatest
joy. if you looked
me in the eyes, could
you see the loss I’ve let
slip time from my hands?
I’ve told Jesus the guilt bangs
a mockery against my heart;
I should be able to give myself
without hesitation

fmf: joy. i don’t understand this poem. but i do understand writing or listening to this song is my heart cry to Jesus. every time I hear. “I don’t want you to see this” and then again, I get teary and shaky.

crying for help

 

I love how God keeps bringing his comfort through writing out his word. Or drawing. I can’t stop. He keeps beckoning me to this. I can’t understand how he’s using my sadness to move me forward. But I can see how’s he’s deepening my relationship with him and others. If today you are going through tough times: a loss, job loss, family issues, etc. know God’s heart is for you. He has compassion for you. 

He will pull us to the other side, into deeper understanding of himself. His love. Don’t give up.

and know, i love you

here, on this bed,
i sit unclean. all
these thoughts
trouble my mind.
the sun is shining,
i am chilled. birds
sing joy right into
heaven’s blue—you
know, the void must
be blackening my eyes.
the nights i’ve found
myself almost shy.
remember, how you
knew i was a first time
lover, looking up ceiling’s
way—pleading innocence
kiss me away? i turned left
& gave forgetfulness way—
the ones i love, the places
& things (family, friends,
the house & window i gazed out).
left me blacked out for the sake
of his smile after we parted. oh,
God—i cry, tremble such the same
when he left me floundering at his
texted goodbye. my mother held
my head, stroking my hair,
promising the pain would lessen
with time—all those days i ate
my tears for breakfast, lunch, &
dinner. grandma watched me weep
a loss with a blue i imagine she’s added
to today’s sky. you know, the wells
i saw in her eyes was precious
living water, pouring out my
eyes now. i am tired, hating
how sorrow holds my hand
a longer span than the joy
i can’t seem to find in this
day you’ve made. & i know
you sympathize with the grief
you’ve promised compassion,
a beautiful crown from ashes,
joyous oil & praise clothing
rather than funeral clothes
drenched in hopeless thought.
you’ve abandoned & forsaken
me for someone new. your thoughts
are higher, not in degree of education,
but love. you
swear the pure of heart
will see your face & i should
pour my heart to you, & you hear
the cries of those who call on you;
weary & heavy laden, you give rest.
you are close to the brokenhearted,
crushed in spirit, you gather me,
your little sheep & carry me
close to your warm heart.
in your arms, i cry: bah,
bah, begging milk
pacify my i don’t
know what to do,
where to go, but
you look at my fearful
twitches. kissing each
eyelash be still—

under omnious view 

the back or my head 

gently aches–a pain 

unlike throbbing attention

seeking heartbeats. nownownow;

but that loss of focus. when i am

still, trying to comprehend words,

my brain asks me to stare up 

the white ceiling. & even now, i ignore such a request for productive’s sake. i want to be

on joyous fire, burning passion 

the half colored orange sun in my drawing exhibits. but abandonment expedites my silence before you–

the clock tick tocks without question 

life goes dull.

echoing, i got you

i can convince
myself, i am crazy.
sorrow heavy inside
my blood flow, behind
each eyelash welling
refusal to let go. next
breath, laughter
consumes my mouth,
tongue drops below
formidable. & here,
i miss you. the bursting
joy breaking a frown
when you heard something
silly, the oncoming rain/sleet/
snow. we mimicked the severity
of each swooping hand motion
the weatherman offered. oh,how
you made me smile, crack heaven’s
door a minute or two before ache
took me still. i held your glance,
“and over in this region..” your
arms flailing right to left, encumbering
water was coming, you know? any
fear my soul kept close at being
frozen to death, vanished under
aged fragility softly spoken in
your child smile—

sometimes, i wonder if when my grandma & i made fun of that dear weatherman, if it was mocking him. i’m sure God knows how hilarious it was/is to me. though, it makes me cry now. all i can say is grandma loved to do this because i’d say how seriously this man takes his job. & after she did it one day, it became a thing. i loved how in these she let go in these moments & the way i felt then, feel now, is a gaping thankful, breaking heart at how much i love her, how much she looked like a child. it’s what i see in my mom & i can’t be more grateful how God shows me i never have to grow up. thank you, God, for how you have loved me, please don’t stop. and a thankful/sorry to the weatherman who brought me some of the greatest moments with my grammy. i promise we weren’t trying to mock. your love for the weather is beautiful.

deal with so long again

we visit ear
held to speaker,
eyes perusing

screen. we type—
hellos, how are you,
stress giving color

to laughter God only
hears, because your
voice reminds me

how far we still
remain—and i
can’t

FMF prompt: visit. Have you ever written something with particular people in mind, but a person comes to mind after reading? Someone you know you’ve been drifting from for awhile, but still hold out hope? I started this poem with thoughts about all the friends I’ve made here I’ve wanted to me. Then, I thought about my best friend. I read this post about breakups and instantly thought of our first. How many days I ached not being able talk to this girl, who brought me out of myself. Who made it easy for me to switch from Pepsi to Coca Cola. Who made pizza rolls & chocolate a normal dinner. Who showed me deviantART (weirdly enough I looked at this again and thought maybe i’ve grown..i mean, i am drawing now. maybe that’s growing down..) where I met some people who I’m still friends with today. Where I first fell in love with writing.

Who walked tough roads with you, left, and I couldn’t goodbye. So you tried again. And things seemed fine through same up & downs, until  my grandma passed. Sorries were given, but the distance has stayed. Because I think Jesus is trying to save me more pain, and bring me healing I’ve been better at avoiding. I’ve seen this coming again for months, but I didn’t want to admit it. I’ve seen how God has taken us down completely different paths. He’s brought people into my life who’ve walked beside me from miles away, but feel close. Who’ve let me go absolutely nuts. (“be human” would be better way to describe..) And love me even in their quiet.

I know things change, but sometimes I wish something from high school stayed the same. Relationships have ended. My love for reading sputters. Writing has changed,too. I no longer write about unrequited love or dreams of being loved by boys who didn’t love me, but grief. Death. Pleas to God. And the occasional love for family/friends. And I know what you’re thinking, “Poets are deep feeling.”

We ponder the hurts, more than joys. At least from what I’ve read. It’s almost easier to remember pain than kindness. It’s easier to write them, because when kindness comes, it’s staring at a mirage you can’t make out. And you fear if this is real, it won’t last. I never thought I’d lose my best friend. Or my grandma.

Maybe because I was always treasuring every single moment with them. I wasn’t concerned with an end, only giving love.

When there is silence from loss. you’re still in the love of Jesus. Who knew all this, before I typed a word.

Who knows I don’t understand why I’m saying all this, why it hurts still, but kneed I need him.

when joy feels unreal?

today i loathe
my words: i
need someone

to tell me i will
be happy again
all the time.

i know happiness
is temporal—books
i can’t read, food un-

tasteful. not even
chocolate satisfies
anymore. an ever

present help
in trouble, where
i’ve internalized

screaming,
pushing;
a physical tug

of war. not
ail of my
soul. you

say you
are my
refuge,

can you
bear distress
I keep bidding

myself fill
by laugh
painful—

God knows, i do now

i have fallen
off the face
of the earth,

she notices
my lacking speech.
i wonder if she imagined

my body falling into laughing,
giggly waters i lend sorrow.
or my shoulders pressed

forward/back against
harsh cement: life can
suffocate, make you

squint a glimpse
at burning gas
we call stars.

i tell dreams
i’m inside
drowning.

i’m weeping
& you are
pulling me

away. from
sadness. i
thank your

standing
beside me,
even before

i wept over
a lightless
body who

carried blues
i can’t pretend
i don’t know—

ask my mother

if we’re honest,
i do not wish
keep sadness

company. i am
tired looking
squarely at sunlight

patchy against
hardwood making me
wonder days coming.

if grey clouds mean
indecision, they are
swirling round &

round, my eyes well
when i am alone—
they say you love me

regardless depression
i don’t care residing in
side a thorn, god.

For FMF Prompt: Keep. I totally went 30 seconds-a minute over the timer. The beginning was not written with a timer and also during daylight.