10/14/18

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Day 123

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God,

What I can praise You 

for– the butterflies You place 

before my eyes that remind me 

to breathe & stay steady. Steadfast. Last

night the tears 

came ready to expose the lies 

– I am getting pushed away again when 

there is distance already. But then I fell 

You I don’t understand, I don’t know 

what to say, but I feel 

– You standing there, listening 

– and looking at me even if I 

– can’t see You. And then You 

– give me the courage to sing 

– & dance  

fmf: praise

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10/6-7/18

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Day 121-122

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God,

Who I am to be

given love like this –

under these covers 

where my body freezes 

and heats from the flu,

You surround me with 

the dog next to me & 

melody & memories 

of a friend who saw Your

fruit growing in me long before 

this girl knew what she saw in me–the 

fruit of the spirit –inevitable when I 

spend with You under Your wings. I 

whisper 

every longing that hasn’t come

to be, or maybe one has and I’ve been too 

blind to see. 

Rescue me from the doubt 

subtly creeping into my mind:

You have forgotten me. You 

don’t hear me. My longing &

desire are too much for you. 

I want to tell him over & over, 

losing my religion-all those prayers I 

prayed when I was little, every last 

person, the ‘now I lay me to sleep prayer’ 

– the fear that Jesus was condemning me 

as I slept each night, doesn’t compare to 

turning my eyes upon Him &

feeling loved in stillness knowing even if 

He doesn’t answer as I expect, He has the 

best for me. 

As He does for you. Relationship means 

you can show your soul and know you 

are still loved. You can start over. You can 

believe the best. 

You can dream. And yes, I know 

I struggle with allowing myself to do this, 

to be loved, but You say I am, Jesus. I am 

welcomed 

to abide in this love. Because 

then the fruit grows. I remember when 

he said

I was inviting him into this 

relationship You and I share &

it made my heart swell. I yearn 

for him to see You and remember every 

talk we’ve had

or will have about You. I want 

You to be the center of our relationship, 

God. I want him 

to know Your peace, Your forgiveness, 

Your love. 

I want him to know You are 

still rolling stones of shame & loss & 

bring 

beauty out. You

make all things new – laughter 

from sorrow, goodbyes to hellos, rebel 

hearts to open,

ready to receive from You. 

Let fear not dictate to turn 

Your love away, You give 

everything lovely — this name

he called me one morning and 

then I heard it in a song describing who 

You are and then again in a verse You 

whispered to my heart gently, think 

about the things noble, true, lovely, 

praiseworthy, honorable. But I think how 

I hear/see You in his words/actions even 

if we are miles away. I know I say it a lot, 

but there is a longing and fire in my 

bones I can’t shake  – I yearn to see Your 

hand in this whole thing and I will keep

asking & listen to Your reassuring:

Look 

up, child, I’m making a way. 

You’ll see. 

This poem was inspired by life currently (as always) and Lauren Daigle’s album, Look Up, Child. I will never tire of getting moved by an artist’s music and writing with the song titles. It’s so much fun. ☺️ feeling God meet me there every time. 

10/4/18

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Day 119

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The world is loud,

too loud. I can not 

hear my heartbeat 

anymore over the lawn mower, cars 

passing or rustling

leaves. I am numb,

but awake as I watch 

the butterflies zip by

like a jacket zipper 

I’ve no longer tried to hide behind – I’ve 

opened my heart 

& heard my thoughts echo,

God, why don’t I believe in me?

why don’t I believe You have good for 

me? Why does my heart ache over dreams 

that seem 

so empty? 

Why does the one thing I want seem

like a dream, almost 

a fantasy–a relationship that will 

require all of me? Why does sacrifice 

even look for two people with broken 

bodies with disabilities?

Why does my inside feel peace but still 

want a try?

But yet, I sit here and wait, I sit here & 

wonder if a friendship will last. If he 

means what he says. If you hear me, 

Lord. It one day, he’ll see you not as a 

religion, but a person with blood flow and 

tears and laughter to the overflow. 

You are not mad,

but extending so much mercy –

this is where my heart is in the midst 

of waiting and paperwork and friendships

holding 

my leaves to the sky.

They whisper, “you are growing. See? 

We’ll get through this. You’ll see. God 

has this. The future is bright for you. You 

sound so happy. Pray.”

And we bloom In 

unity. Slowly. Differently. 

Always connected 

at the root. 

Jesus. Sweetest 

mercy.

9/28/18

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Day 118

//

God, 

I long to know

If this has potential—

It is not a desperate,

But a gentle calm

As I wait. You are 

Holding us in Your hand

& You brought us together

This time, right now, for reasons

I can’t seem to understand—

I walk by faith, not by sight 

You say. When all I can see

Is distance and constant,

Persistent talking, prayer, 

You must see more, like

Our hearts. I don’t know 

You are weaving this,

But it is beautiful &

Scary. I want to see Your

Hand in every little thing

& praise You all the more.

 

fmf: potential

9/22/18

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Day 117

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God,

Your song

May it never 

Complete it’s melody

When I feel low or high

In the clouds of my daydreams,

Let ut repeat the chorus of Your

Love for me. Hold me & let me 

Sway to heart for me: I love you,

Child. I know Your desires – the 

Desires of intimacy—those smiles

& inside jokes & silence that will 

Never make you feel small, but 

seen & heard, held. Hold tight

To me. You’ll see the dance 

Isn’t over yet. It’s just begun & I know

You weren’t expecting this turn, but

It will be okay. Let my peace bring

You into this new thing where your

Voice is found, your laughter is heard

& the conversations linger on into the 

Night where you forget the time. I see

Those little smiles creep from your heart

To your mouth, spreading out. This is hope

I see you. 

 

fmf: complete.

 

God, You’re not done yet. I may be tired, sad and a little confused, but You do infinitely more than I ask or think or imagine according the power working within me. I want to see it–the ways You see me here, the sadness I feel for others, a bit of my own, but I know You are faithful, I will wait and see You. You will not forget me. You have a plan. A purpose. And there will be joy.

9/15/18

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Day 116

//

God,

In a crowd,

I feel small & lost,

But I’m with You in my

Thoughts & I want to hold

Your hand or someone’s

That I know believes in me

Enough to stick around even

When my actions are less than

Admirable—who still sees potential

& will hold my hand to remind me

I’m not alone. Your peace fills &

Guards my heart, but sometimes,

Okay all the time, I want to know 

Someone is in this life with me. 

 

fmf: crowd. 

9/7/18

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Day 115

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God,

I need You

to bring rain

to his heart –

wash it clean,

open his eyes

to see You give

all of us a brand

new start. You don’t

give thought to the regret,

the pain – all You ask is for

an open heart. I can hear

a curiousity how I’ve gotten

here with You, where I’ve come

to know
fmf: rain.

Jesus, I really don’t understand what is happening to my heart. I do know I can’t stop praying for this friend. I keep finding myself on the phone longer than I like being on the phone at all. And genuinely smiling. Laughing. And mostly, quiet as I listen to myself and him.

It’s different – this opening of my heart. Slowing letting in someone with disabilities similar to mine who isn’t a girl or my friend. It is unexpected. Almost like a rain of blessing I can’t see yet.  The distance is hard and my heart has a longing I don’t get – and I block You out of it, telling You I don’t want it.  I was fine. I tell you over and over again this can’t be from You and I can’t feel like this and how on earth would it work?

 

God, You know what it is? I don’t trust You. I’m terrified to believe this is true. I’m afraid to believe You–what he is saying. I can feel the fear rise to the surface when before I would eat those words, swallowing them for hope they may be true from any guy who would tell me.

But now? My heart is closed, shut off, stunned, guarded. It has been years since I’ve liked someone outside of butterflies, oh please love me! God, I want to try with him–I’m so stuck in my head and my heart is afraid I will be crushed. I need You, Lord. I meed guidance. Peace. There’s too much I want to tell you. You need to be in the middle of this. And I can’t believe he knew that I used to hide in music, just like I do now.

I feel peace when I talk about him and I don’t want to assume he’s the one because I don’t know. I just know I would like a chance. That’s all. And for You to guide and get all the glory. And I will say thank You.

 

And it has been awhile since I’ve rambled. Jesus, help me trust You. You are scary, safe.