foggy but my heart is thankful

I sit in the not so quiet

with You—a lawn mower

is running to my right, birds

are chirping in the distance—

everything is loud & I’m still

holding onto a truth, an opposite

of a lie, he’s one man, not all.

even if I can’t fully believe this

now, yet, I fully expect You to

show me how, Lord. You are

faithful even now in this miracle

yet to unfold. My head is

Prompt: quiet.

make us ready.

Father

He tells me

he is the last to know

we are not together anymore.

I want to know why he even cares – it takes my mother to

◦ pull me back to reality – to

◦ Say do I really want to go

◦ Down that road again? You want a a guy who has religion in his life. There are guys like that out there. You can be flattered but don’t respond. I don’t want to be flattered though. I want to be

◦ Honored, respected. I don’t need to be ea(ting from the tree anymore, letting the serpent tell me, don’t you want this? No, I actually want someone who will carry me around, will see my worth the first time and his words and actions match up. So, here I am blocking the holes that got you in the first time, praying, Father, keep me safe

and prepare me for the man who

lives a life of integrity in light of Your love, to have & to hold,

to cherish me forever.)

fmf: last.

*( where timer stopped.

come closer.

God, 

Here I am 

In a season 

Of wait—

Waiting for grief 

To not undo me

So easy, for me

To lash out not in

Anger at those around me

& here I say again, I don’t know

How you can love me. Would you

Come up beside me & hold me?

Is this how Jesus felt—this deep, 

Abiding sorrow when he cried. 

Father, why have you forsaken me?

LORD, even though it has been days

Since the news I cannot cry. I’m so

Tired & here in this bed is where I want ti

Stay in the warmth, the quiet even as my

Mind goes astray. LOED

 

fmf:wait. 

in every way

God,

I feel the fear

creeping over my heart

that I’ve messed up again.

it begs my question come

to the surface again: are

You as kind when I fall short

of Your glory even now? My heart shivers with the lies: no

one will love you when you fail,

look at you now. I want to be held, to be reassured again & bask in Your love for me in the

biggest to the smallest of ways.

Lord, I need you. I need you to

show me I am the o(ne you go deep for each & every day.)

fmf: deep.

self pep talk

dear sad girl,

i know you’re tired today. so tired you want to sleep the rest the day away. that hat is on its way to remind you God is in high pursuit of you. waves of goodness. let it overwhelm you. crash over you. open your mouth & let God fill you. let him draw close to you. play with that playdoh, making flowers. or hearts. turn up the music loud and sing in the shower, not caring who hears you.

when you get your haircut this weekend, remind yourself you are beautiful. and when you remember that one time your grandma said you looked a bit Justin Bieber when she took to get your haircut once, laugh.

it’s fall. watch the leaves fall. drink all the apple cider. embrace everything God is giving you right now. himself. family. friends that will listen and pray. that make you feel included and loved from miles away. the encouragement to keep writing.

God is surrounding you.

keep your eyes on the horizon.

j

ps. If you ever get the chance to thank hollyn for this album you can’t turn off, do it.

since the beginning.

Dear sad girl,

it’s a success

you woke up

this morning.

I know you’re hurting,

but there is something

on the horizon. There

will be a man who will see

you are worth more than

worldly distraction. He will

treat you as beloved. A queen

with a smile better than a

diamond. He’ll give you the

the time of day & surprise you.

but for now, look around you.

Look at the one who’s been

fmf: success.

him?

It is a challenge,

LORD, to not sit here

& go back to the look

On his face when he said,

I don’t know why I’m telling you this…”

And then my sinks, goes so quiet

I’m not sure it beats but a whisper now.

I remember nothing else but feeling

Lost for days after. And the last time 

We were together, feeling that push 

Away. And I sat there, empty.

I dont what to say to people,

Was I just a figure head to

fmf: challenge.

11/23/18

//

Day 127

//

God,

there must be

value in the way 

You say. it is well

& I can count on You

to fulfill this desire 

when the time is right

But for now, I’m gonna

Listen sd You sing comfort

My heart. Hold me. Still.there

is a part of me that is thinking of

him–for you to move in & show

Who You are. I remember when

he said he loved me & if that any

Of true, I hope we can talk one day

soon, so I can tell him see

fmf: value.

Because God, I still want to have hope You roll away stones. You open eyes physically and spiritually. You give peace. And You know I’m a little crazy to myself, but I can’t let go. So I’m going to keep crying out & see what You do.

11/16/18

//

Day 126

//

Father.

I want to know 

You see me here—

How are You romancing 

My soul in this one day?

The fear is clouding up

My chest again—the little

Voice that is telling me I

Made a mistake—go back,

Unblock. Apologize for shutting 

Out because you are afraid of the dark—

Not the one that occurs when light is turned 

Off, but the one I cant fix, help with, Jesus, except

To pray again & again. 

 

fmf: one.

11/13/18

//

Day 125

//

Father,

I can’t see

What You are doing.

The sky is dark &

Rain is pouring,

But I will not say,

“go away.” because

I know this is blessing:

The eggs & beans, the

way Dad makes tea the only 

Way I will drink it—with lots

Of brown sugar & milk, The

Way I watch him make me 

InLaugh over songs on the radio

Like he did when I was young.

The way he gives me almonds

& cheese curds—the two bowls

Of chili & kit kat bars when I am

Least expecting them. It is somewhere 

Between watching the finale of the Great 

British Baking Show or that Match 74 game

Show that I think about him again, what he 

Said, about dad and I having a relationship

& I think, this is it. I feel You so deeply when

We sit together with olives & cheese & pickles

& watching a show I didn’t think Dad would like

Is where I find Your face, And this is what I wish

I could explain to this guy who keeps stealing

my thoughts—do you ever think about the 

Simplest gift we all miss?—it is not the food &

drink—but Jesus’ presence in every face?

In ever sip of that drink? In ever bite before

The swallow? In the silence of not saying

At all, but soaking up the relationships we are

Given at birth? Presence. It is everything. 

But mostly God, I wonder why he keeps

Coming to mind—snippets of conversations 

When I am still & immersed in something

Else. I wonder if he thinks of these 

talks we had—the way I opened myself

up, Jesus, in a way I never knew I could—

I am grateful for him even if all he did 

Was help me see I can be open & make me 

Grateful for what is front of me. I

Still want to talk to him about You

Because I’ve felt that inner fire burning;

The joy of Your love 

& the connection we had,

Sharing about the day,

but all I can see is a dead

end.