11/16/17

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Day 13

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God,

I love how that was timed. You knew I was going to look at that and have the memory of not knowing my place, leaving school and feeling like a failure all over again. It’s true though. I do. I have no drive or passion but to go one on one with people, as in friendship but not something I want to work toward to give me some money. It would be nice to be able to read again without becoming totally bored. I’m not with Your Word, but it took me forever the other day to finish a chapter of The Book Thief. I hope that doesn’t happen with The Shack. Please help me. 

And then I read this in the plan about Your favor: “The Spirit Himself testifies and confirms together with our spirit [assuring us] that we [believers] are children of God.”

‭‭ROMANS‬ ‭8:16‬ ‭AMP‬‬

And all I see in my head is You placing Your hand on my shoulder, telling me You love me. Or maybe it’s just the hand. And then in the next verse it says how I’m co heirs with You and if I suffer, I will also share in Your glory. I get it with the suffering. I do. It helps me see You in ways I wouldn’t be able to if things were all hunky dory. Really there is a better phrase other than ‘hunky dory’ but it’s what came to me.  

But I wouldn’t mind some days of hunky dory or for me to be excited. Which I am about reading The Shack with Kallayah and getting cupcakes when I finish reading all of Your Word at the end of the year. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m so focused and pumped on finishing it. But I am. Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t really hitting it for me this year. Then again, holidays always seem to be a bit harder every year. But you’ve put some awesome friends in my life that remind me of Your presence and the atmosphere of the family changes a little on the day. 

God, I just want to see this, to know it: When you know you are loved, and you know who you call family, and you know your name is Daughter, Beloved, Chosen One, you can rest, and you can live, and you can be free.  

This from the loop devotional. I need help knowing I am loved. Please please please. And resting in it. I know I’ve seen glimpses but I need more. And it’s hard right now. I feel like a crazy emotional person who can’t give as much as she’d like to, who really wants to rest. Sleep. And then wake up, I wonder what God has for me today! But that last part isn’t me. Because if we are going to be honest, I wake up like, ugh what? Need to get dressed. God, pants. Shoes. Okay. I’m going to sit here and stare into space. 

And then I come up here, sit at the table and work through oatmeal and tea. And look at stuff. And then start thinking, wonder if Sarah will bring coffee? She has been awesome and so kind with the randomly (You are never random) bringing me coffee. And it makes me think of one of my soul sisters-Hollie. Pretty much every time. And we know what I’m getting Sarah for Christmas now. But honestly, that and wanting a friend to just text me. Or come over and just sit with me. But I think I’d be delirious either way. 

And yes I know so much wanting and mememe. But I love that You are okay with it. I only have enough space for some people right now and even that is a challenge. And maybe it’s not so much about me but to experience with these friends. One who is right now floating in my memory. 

You know, when I said sometime in the car to, savor the Saviour. Yep. I don’t remember exactly why I said it. I’m pretty sure I smiled though. I think I thought it was funny, how it came out of nowhere. Or You. It’s been rolling around in my head though. How this year has been a deep savoring. Or complaining. Or fear. But I want to savor Your love. So,

Thank you for no spider dreams. Thank you for the oatmeal. And the pears. And the chai tea. And the sun. And the devotional that made think of some friends. And getting to the book of Galatians. And my moo who let me complain this morning. And this jacket. 

I need you. 

Love,

your tender haired girl 

previous letter for Letter From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 

And to know more about Loop, click here. (It’s really good stuff.)

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11/15/17

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Day 12

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God,

I don’t want to sing right now. If I don’t though, my soul will sink. My heart. It is cold in this kitchen. This hat makes me think I’m in the Arctic (I’ve been spelling/saying that wrong all along I think.), but I don’t want to be cold. Or make my ear hurt. I feel pressure in both now. 

I’d really like to sleep and not worry something will go wrong if I’m not awake. Like the dogs will go nuts. And then I’ll wake up. I’d like to stop dreaming of spiders, too. Looking up the meaning of them I can’t even get past the picture before jumping like it’s in front of me. And then seeing that they mean manipulation – God, I’m sorry if I am doing that anyone. Really, the amount of fear it put in my heart freaks me out. Because you know I want things but honestly I just want to be still with You for a while. And sleep. And if I’m being manipulated at all, we both know I never know or I’m being kind. Or trying to be which most likely means I’m trying to please. Never goes well. Ever. 

I don’t have energy for people. I mean, I do for the one relationship I feel peace. And honestly, I think You’re giving me the energy for it. But everything else feels off. Makes me tired, wears me out. I’m weary, God. And I want to tell another friend how I am, but I think about what I could type or call and say – which could be a whole lot of rambling – but I’d like to ask if she’d come sit with me. I feel so much peace in writing that even though I know that unless you did a miracle, it can’t be today. 

Thank you for the quiet and doing the dishes with Nolan. And this jacket with fur inside. And the water. And this hat. And the slippers. And mom checking on me. And the dogs being good. And a conversation with Raechel. And the show Speechless. Thank you there’s a show where an actor who actually has a disability plays the person with the disability. And for the way the cast is so patient with him. Helps me see You. I love how the mom of the show is so focused on listening and making sure he is heard. Ugh. They all are but You know how I am with the moms. And reminding me I can expect good things because I’m precious to You. 

Please help me see Your favor today. I don’t know why it’s so fascinating since the verse I showed You yesterday, but I will not leave me so here’s me asking again. Thank You. 

Love, 

your tender haired girl. 

Ps. And thank You for the skit guys thanksgiving goodness video. So good.

 —

previous letter from Letter From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 

11/14/17

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Day 11

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God, 

Can we talk about this verse for a minute?

And God is able to make all grace [every favor and earthly blessing] come in abundance to you, so that you may always [under all circumstances, regardless of the need] have complete sufficiency in everything [being completely self-sufficient in Him], and have an abundance for every good work and act of charity. (‭2 CORINTHIANS‬ ‭9‬:‭8‬ AMP)

You know what I’m stuck on? What is in the brackets after “every grace”. [Every favor and earthly blessing.] It is like a hush and something whispered in my ear: hey, you know God is able to bring every favor and earthly blessing come to you. I mean, I’ve read this verse before in other versions and have always been stuck on: abounding in every good work. Not exactly what You can give me. And yes, even thinking about it now holds some kind mystery. Because I want things. Like it would be awesome if Sarah texted randomly (I know it was You) asking if I would like Starbucks again. Just the being asked does something to my insides. You see me. It’s always when I feel like crap — where You seem to surprise me most, where my heart remembers again You see. Me. 

I know this verse isn’t talking about what You give me because I know what You give goes beyond just me. But I’m so stuck on the favor. And the earthly blessing and what that means or how to even see Your favor. Would you show me these today. Please. Is it like yesterday when I bought books for me and Kallayah, even though money is tight, but I still want her to know she is loved? And that I see her and want to read through The Shack together as we wait for you to give us the go for meeting each other? 

Because I think I take Your favor to mean sometimes that someone will give to me. Or that You will honor me somehow. Make me smile. I don’t know why I think of You pointing a finger, that’s my girl and I’m going to love her today. And I think Your love lately is time to rest, and pour into as I’m being poured into, too. You’ve given me time, God. Time I don’t think I would’ve had if I would’ve kept going a few years ago pretending I was fine. 

I did really well with that. Pushing away friendship for a degree that was being pursued more out of fear than to better myself. I ran away, but You’ve refused to leave me.

When death came so suddenly before Christmas and I knew nothing but crying. And just feeling lost. Confused. Aching. But you deepened Megan and my friendship. She brought laughter at random times when I didn’t think it was possible. And listening ears. And cake pops. And hugs. And book recommendation. And prayer. The days I listened to Sara Groves on repeat, feeling You just surround me. 

And then at the end of 2015 and sorrow over wacky hormones and blood. So much blood. And crying. And why is this happening. And Gwen, who sat there with me for a week, just her presence alone makes me relax (I know you know this) and let me drink tea and vent and cry. About a myriad of things. And read parts of a book to me. I felt small in the best way. Like Your child, wrapped in love. And how she played Come Be Who You Are by Sara Groves one day and by the end of the week, we were singing on a bench together. 

And then last year, the idea of getting a hysterectomy (really this year too.) terrified me. The loss of not being able to have kids and just yearning to spend time with You was overwhelming. To be able to read and talk to friends. And just the loss of energy, not really wanting to do anything. Oh wait, I think I colored still. 

And this year, the hysterectomy had to become a real thing. And the fear and the worry surrounded my heart. What will happen? What if I die? But the doctor’s eyes held so much compassion. I never thought I’d like staying in a hospital because a nurse went out of her way to feed me jello and talk about her life to me. Just being with me and allowing me to be. 

I don’t know how to tell you that in all of these memories, Your favor was with me and blessings too. I just wish I was more present in the moment, instead of looking back, oh, that was you. Help me. Be present to You. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl. 

Ps. This ear infection really will help me be still. And hear You. To know You are God. And you know my heart. Intimacy or group. One on one or group. God, You know I’m leaning toward intimacy more. I think that’s what I’m going to do. Fear of missing out shall not plague. I’m not missing out when I’m doing something with you. 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl. <—-previous letter here. 

11/12/17

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Day 10

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God,

What can I tell You that don’t already know? A day and a half with him reminds me moment by moment: it’s okay to go slow. It’s okay to be still. It’s okay to drift off to sleep for awhile. 

It’s the way he calls me lady plush while I’m walking to the fire that I hear You: I see you. Or when he tells me he sees her covered dish and I don’t know what to say. But I stare at it for awhile, empty. I miss her too. Much more than I can understand sometimes. Sharing the silence is best. I know You were there too. Because I don’t always have to articulate the pain but sit with. 

I watch him butter the bread. 2 slices. Patiently. Meticulously. And place it in my hand. Warm. Just like I’ve been asking for months now. You’re funny, you know? 

I love you. I love my grandpa. The hugs from them all. There’s more I want to tell you. But for now, thank you. For turning me toward you. Your love. Always. 

I don’t know how you do it. But thank you for being who you say you are: faithful.  

Love,

your tender haired girl 
Ps. Thank you for reminding I’m your child. 

Letters From A Tender Girl. <— previous letter found here.  Missed a day but it’s okay. Okay, it frustrates me a tad but I missed a day in the beginning. So need to go easy on me. It isn’t a competion, but a drawing closer to Jesus. A noticing of his presence. His love. Reminders for my soul. He sees. He cares. He loves. He cherishes.  He loves a share a meal. 

11/9/17

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Day 8

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God,

I’m feeling this peace today that transcends what makes sense. It’s like hostile territory around me and maybe a little inside – but there You go bringing laughter again. And telling me You are for me. Thank you. For singing to me. Over and over again. 

Like this song now, where I’m hearing You say You are not lying about doing more than I ask or imagine. And just because I can’t see right now doesn’t mean You aren’t satisfying me right now, right here. Today. You’ve let me spend time talking to — or ughhh, please. Lord. — You. And listening to lots of Voxes and voxing back. It’s like boxing my depression to find the light of Your love. I can’t help but to start believing maybe You like to laugh than when I saw heart of mercy picture in my grandma’s house.  

The sorrow. I’d look at it and always think You were sorry. And that’s what I believed since I came to know You. You are either angry. Or sad. The joy is so hard getting older because of the fear it’ll just fall apart. It won’t really happen. There’s too much pain inside my heart. So much aching and wondering if it’s okay to be a child again. 

Is it? Is it okay that I want to read a book with a friend and have a dance party and eat all the chocolate? And forget the world? Is it okay that I keep begging for love love love to be poured out again and again on my friends and my family, myself who are hurting? Is it okay to say that this waiting is anticipatory happines and frustrating? 

And can we talk about beckah shae’s music for a minute? Totally catchy and makes me want to sing right now and dance. I can sing and write. But it’s slow. It’s well. You make all things new. 

Again with a song with the promise you gave me in March. 

You can do infinitely more than I ask or think. Ughh, God. I don’t get it just like I didn’t get it. But pleasee Lord bless beckah shae’s music too because ughh so good. I seriously want to break it down right here for you. Oooh yeah, the Hephzibah song! You delight in me. No longer forsaken. 

So you really see me as a delight? Let me see. My head knows, but we know my heart is slow. So very slow at opening and registering this delight You have for me. 

I’m always hopeful

The Son will shine forth, and bring that rainbow.. Thank you for Beckah Shae. So catchy. Ughh. 

Yeah, see Ya soon. Yah. YWH. 

Show me what You see when You look at me.  

Thank you for giving me hope. Being my hope. 

Love,
your tender haired girl. 

Ps. Bring on the shiny. Or the beats. It’s like coffee. For the soul. 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl.

Lyrics/titles found in this letter here. And here

Here. And here. And one more.  

And an extra one for good measure and goodness. New fave right now 🙋

11/8/17

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Day 7

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God,

How do You feel about me? Is it anything like how the dogs have come to the door twice hoping to find someone’s arrival? Like you just can’t wait to see me? You’re so excited to be with me? Be still with me? Lavish love on me at this table prepared with nothing but my expectancy? This may be my shortest letter yet, but will you show me. Psalm 6 in the message version really stick out to me in the 1-2 verses. I long for no more yelling and I feel starved for affection. Starved for it deep, deep down in my weary. Heart. Soul. Aching toe.

Will You show me how You feel about me again until it sinks in?
I know I keep asking. But please?
Love,

your tender haired girl. 
Ps. Thank you. 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl.

(Previous letter from my novel or non fiction story in progress. Planning on getting these in an order so it’ll be easier to follow. But for now, enjoy the previous letter. You can see others at the link at bottom of posts.) 

11/7/17

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Day 6

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God,

I’m pretty sure I dug into keeping pace with my sister today while taking a walk with the dogs. It’s always that I have to keep pace because no one will slow down for me. At least that’s what I believe. I hear my thoughts. I have to keep up. I’m going to make it. Keep focused. Eyes ahead. 

But You, my living water love to whisper: You are loved. Through Megan’s reminder My love will stay. To remember I will fight for you, My love. Even if it hurts to walk from trying to keep up. Even if you weren’t running. Through your walk with your sister & her offer to get Starbucks. Through a text from Trisha. Through the leaves covering the sidewalk, just as I cover you. And the hard places just to delight you. Through Anna and the email hugs and a song to remind you I am with you in the valley low. Through your brother calling you Julius Burger. And the Voxes from Kallayah to check on you just now. And the GIFS with your moo. Just because you don’t know what I’m doing and feel no one gets you doesn’t mean I’m going to stop loving you. Ever. Child, I am faithful. 

So how can I not be grateful for your love today, God? How can I continuously remind myself, don’t forget His love, Julia? when my soul is crying, Jesus, I hurt for all these people I love and myself. Do You see? Do You hear?

But then I put Ellie just now and the memory floods back to singing we’ve got this hope on the floor of Trisha’s guest room. I didn’t think I could get up, but she let me stay there and Your love broke through the minute I sang. Though I was scared and trembled, You were there. 

You are so gentle & tender and my soul needs constant reminder You see me here. And Your goodness will follow me everywhere and go before me in the valley, calling Yahweh, the One slow to anger, compassionate, and abounding in love. Today I’m alert to this, but tomorrow I’ll forget. 

And yes, I know I’m writing to Ellie’s music again but ugh, the pull is magnetic. God, please bless her. You have given her such a gift with writing songs with Your Word. I wish I would have told her, You help me remember God. Thank you. But instead I said, I’ve been wanting to meet you forever & I want to write a song with you so much. 

But you knew the right time to let me see her in concert. I didn’t 2013 would find me sitting on the floor in my grandma’s house captivated by her song, Magnolia and hearing my name instead. And how I felt the tears. Because I didn’t want to try anymore. And I ran right back to a place I said I’d never go anymore. Ever. I said this many times actually. 

But I did, and Ellie singing the Truth of who You are has carried me this far. All the nights I cried listening that You wouldn’t let go. And that You can turn the broken beautiful opened me up. Or the time I got rejected by a magazine and felt crushed but then sang marvelous light. Or maybe it was before. But I do remember telling mom or singing it to her. Or the time Gwen came and we sang how we shall always be with You, Lord. We were going to the mountain, but I remember the way Gwen harmonize. 

I felt fear, but I think pushed through it a little. Because I could feel you there. Sometimes, I think (okay all the time) You overwhelm me. 

Like that. This version of My All in Thee by Young Oceans (never heard before) where Ellie sings along with them. I honestly think You do it on purpose sometimes. Play songs with her singing along. It’s the vulnerability and how every song is like a prayer. Not just the joy (which I need to hear), but the lament. You are the man of sorrows and her honesty gives me hope You understand the tears I can’t explain lately. 

May I continue to see Your love never fails. Tonight. Tomorrow. I want to be free to bask in it. Laugh in it. Rejoice in it. Not just the sorrow though I know You love me deeper and I recognize You. But God, let me see You in the joy too without thinking something horrible will happen tomorrow. 

You are good. You are faithful. And the only hope I’ve got is You. I can ramble when music is on. I don’t know where this focus is coming from or how I can write this when I just want to sing along. 

Seriously getting emotional. Thank you for reminding I am loved. And now the fighting words song:

I will fight the lies with the truth 

Keep my eyes fixed on You…

You say I’m worth fighting for..

Seriously going to start quoting songs to you. 

I know You’ll come around

I know You’ll hear my cries 

And there in my weakest hour

You offered grace 

You gave me love unfailing..

I know You’ll answer me

You’ll give me love unfailing 

Keep singing the songs of deliverance, please. Thank You for doing it now. And wow, these suggested songs, right to heart. Seriously, God, how do You do that?

Love,

Tender-Haired

Letters From A Tendered Haired Girl 

(Previous letter with link to others at bottom of posts.)