5/12/18

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Day 104

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Gardenia bloomed here. 

Sight still unveiling splendor. 

Lord, awash wonder. 

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5/11/18

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Day 103

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Jesus,

I don’t know 

what to include 

in this gratitude 

poem – the fog

in my right eye 

makes me wonder 

If I’ve been crying 

but there is no water. 

This week has been 

one where I’ve felt 

the dark, the oppression 

forcing me down, making me 

look at the shadows – but then 

You are there, listening to me tell You it’s

too dark and I’m afraid. But Lord, You are 

faithful 

to bring friends to ask me how I 

am, to pray, to make me laugh 

& remind me even if time has

(passed, Your love for me never 

changes.)

Love, 

Your tender – haired girl. 
Ps. Thank You for dad who apparently thinking about me quite a bit because he saw a j in the sky yesterday that I can’t see still – but from the picture it looks like a girl walking through fire or light with a ponytail and dress, got me a triple Mocha frappe and a little something extra – ghirardelli intense dark chocolate squares. Didn’t ask for them. I know I told You after he left I was going to ask for expresso m&ms because they are good. Really good. But I wanted to wait til Kelly and my girl’s weekend. But it’s just funny how You will surprise me anyway because you want, not just because I have to ask. Thank you. You are kinda doing abundantly more than I’m asking or thinking. We are up to 66 things on that gratitude list. Think You get to 100 or beyond by Wednesday?)
Fmf: include  ( is where timer stopped. 

5/6/18

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Day 102

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God,

I would like

to adapt to sitting 

here & getting lost 

in a melody that brings 

back memory – walking 

around her block with the

sunshine or the sun, but 

always knowing on that 

street I had a home where

I was welcomed with chili 

or corn on the cob & Your 

presence penetrating my 

heart. I miss her & I cannot

hide it or the fact I’d like to 

tell about the ways You are 

lavishing Your love while I 

sit here and recover from the

first cataract surgery. I wonder 

if she’d worry. Even though we

can trust You with all t(hings, I felt loved 

through the worry. It’s weird, I know. 

And I’m sure she’d tell me to allow my 

eye to heal, but I’m being rebellious 

because it is hard not tell You thank You 

for being so close to me during this 

recovery. Especially earlier when I sat 

on the floor waiting to see 

if the cat got out while noticing 

a huge bug climb up the wall. 

You must love my exclamations:

That bug is huge! Oh Jesus! Ugh. I felt no 

fear in my heart, but that You were beside 

me, reassuring, it’s okay. She’s down 

there. It’s okay. And I continue to freak 

out, this is going to be my fault. How am I  

going to explain this? You listen. 

I call her again and just when I want to 

lose hope, she comes up and I say, thank 

you, Jesus

Thank you for slowly opening my eyes 

again to how deeply 

You love me, especially when I 

don’t deserve it, doing nothing 

at all. If you could double or triple my 

gratitude list from this week, it would be 

cool. Thank you for always listening and 

making me still to see. 

Love

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I can’t wait for the confetti canon. Seriously. The anticipatory happiness is building like crazy. I can see myself jumping around. )

*( where timer stopped

Fmf: adapt. 

4/20/18

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Day 99

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Jesus,

Turn me

To Your face

Again  — watch 

The tears run. Love,

I’ve turned and run 

To fix myself upon what

Is behind, where the sorrow wants

To bid my time/ I am, Lord. I am

Tired. Take this burden before I come

Undone, where my sobs will come.

Show me it is well, Lord, it is well,

You are ahead. And b

 

fmf: turn. 

4/18/18

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Day 98

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God,

Cam we talk about Your extreme kindness last Friday? That word is defining this month, I think. But it started with a MOOOOOOO and ended in I think me asking, Did that really happen? Wow. We were looking at books—a regular thing between Shannan and me— books from audible (way to play this song right now. Now, I’m going to play it again, hahaha.) or OverDrive— what would be best. I remember saying I wanted to read A Wrinkle in Time with Kelly. Seeing it not available at the library & then she says she’ll buy it for me and Kelly and herself, too. And I say we can read it together. If that didn’t stop me in my tracks, the box sure did. 

I couldn’t even open it. I just stared at it. For hours. I’m sorry. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN DURING MY BIRTHDAY. I will not allow it. Let me experience Your joy, Lord. I don’t care what You have to do, but help me receive. But after the box was brought into my room, Shannan asked if I got the mail—the moo mail if You will. I told her I was waiting for Kelly, I think. And that the box was way too big to have just two books in it. She said, Open it!! And well, You know how I struggled with one side of the box and put music on. This song about the kindness of friends came on and I felt a little shaky. Or a lot actually. Because I mean, look:

 

And all I could do was stand there and shake inside and laugh. Because she did not just do that! The books are super shiny (I know there is something in Your Word about the allure of things, but seriously shiny.)

 

I still don’t know what to say about this. It’s like an explosion of kindness. And it has continued this week even though I’m not really feeling great. But I always see You well in these times. The little things. Dad making me grilled cheese and tomato soup yesterday. And the mini peach pie I haven’t eaten yet. But the way he said because it’s your birthday! The joy. And making me ramen with peas and carrots. And 3 new credits to get audiobooks from Nolan. The gardenia tree from mom. Spending time on FaceTime with Raechel and Kallayah. Thank You for them, how they make me laugh. They help me see You are seeing me right here in this valley.

 

Today as I spend time with Sarah (also HUGE BLESSING to be able to hang out with her), help me focus on Your face. Your smile. Help me see and receive Your little surprises. You are good, God. Open my eyes to see how kind You truly are. Be near me.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Laughter would be awesome, too. Thank You.

 

 

 

4/14/18

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Day 97

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God.

I know no other way to tell You of these flashbacks. On this day last year, to was Good Friday, but I really never saw the good in having a hysterectomy. I woke up crying. And ice chips. And my brother wearing plaid and walking toward the bed to hug me. He was so happy to see me awake. Then the next day which would be today. I am having flashbacks of the music playing in my ears. I am drifting. A knock. Two knocks. She comes in with the coloring book and the colored pencils I used today today to color more of the leaves in the book. The only difference? She isn’t here (on this planet, yes. In my life, no. I hate how the memories hit me gently like taps on the shoulder: hey, remember this song? And then I tell You I’m thinking of her again. And then I want to cry. And now, this song is playing, You know, Ellie Holcomb’s, He Will and ugh, more far away, but close up memories-the painted He Will in green on the paper and my pain in my heart of feeling stolen from when I originally wanted to share. This weird feeling I couldn’t share my heart, I couldn’t have more taken away. But music is meant for sharing. And she shared two books, two of her faves—one I’m still working through. There was the chaos of goodbye. When I read that in the book thief earlier, it really does describe my struggle with letting go. But this space has given me time to see I want to be a better communicator— a better listener, encourager. Not so, oh what about me? What about me, God? It doesn’t help anyone or me. I know You understand it. My ability to turn things to me when they should be on her. I know there is a time and place for me, but You are greater and You can put things back together better than ever. Seriously, I think You’re taking over my spotify with all these hope songs…)

Love,

Your tender haired girl

 

fmf: other.

*( where timer stopped.

4/11/18

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Day 96

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God,
I heard Your voice far away and close up today. Her gentle words to give it time. It’s okay. And to rest in You today. And the receptionist excited about my middle name. And the woman who took the time to say my birthday was soon before taking blood. I’m sorry for my complainy nature today. Seriously shouldn’t get trippy over letting the dogs out. It’s so easy to get upset or give vent to my anger. When really nothing is that upsetting. It’s just easy. I don’t think I’ve taken notice of the way I can get trippy. So here’s how I am going to change it:

Your favor today:

1. Sarah getting me the venti Java chip frappe and vanilla bean scone (I don’t know how they make it taste good when I thought scones aren’t supposed to be sweet)

2. Hot shower

3. That new light that dad put up that totally pulls out the steam

4. The sun

5. Trisha – I felt like I got to go long distance shopping with her and sip on coffee at the same time. But seriously. I’m thankful she will listen and tell me truth and handle my silence and send happy txt a while I’m at the doctor’s right when I must of been getting blood work. You did it intentionally, didn’t You?

6. Woman who mentioned my middle name – that you don’t get many Lindsay’s with an a.

7. The doctor saying she’ll pray for my cataract surgeries and that people see better after them.

8. The woman who took my blood saying my birthday is soon. It was kind and unexpected.

9. Teri. I love that she shares her life with me. She’s really making me want to watch The Greatest Showman now. But I shall wait.

10. Kristene DiMarco. Her music is lifting my spirits

11. Cookie n Cream cupcakes  Sarah knows me well.

12. Kallayah. I love You for putting us in each other’s lives.

 

And that’s all I got right now. I need sleep. You give rest to Your beloved ones. I really need to take it. As well as receiving Your goodness. Oh and thank You for mom taking me doctor and getting corn and making it and mashed potties. Simple, but good.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Not writing doesn’t do it for me. At all. I feel better.