12/30-31/17

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Day 39

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God,

It’s weird hearing this song again and hearing it at the beginning of the year. I played it over and over. And over. And then with her. I remember singing it, feeling this burning in my cheeks. Because I wasn’t singing it just for me, but this friend too. It almost felt like embarrassment. Singing the truth that we are both loved by You, different strengths, weaknesses all covered in Your love. You. 

It’s weird how at the beginning of the year, I was so pumped up with this album. I never really expected to share it with this friend and feel threatened. Because parts of my story are so wrapped in playing this artist on repeat, hearing Your Word, about You, and holding on tight through many dark nights. Days. Trembling. Wondering. Were You real? What have I done? But mostly, I just wanted to get through. 

I never knew You’d use this artist so deeply in my life. And then to bring along this friend to the concert and watch her hand her book to her with lyrics from that song. It was bigger than my feeling I was getting something taken away. 

Except the friendship is. Walking away because of shame and guilt and it’s just great to come to know jealousy really does kill. 

And now I’m really afraid to put myself in a place where friends can continue being my friend. If they’d even want to. And I know they do. But God. Learning today that when I covet, it’s not trusting Your care for me, it really showed me a lot of the reason why I can’t handle Instagram or Facebook. Or struggle receiving good news from friends or maybe even for myself. It’s like this fear of I’m going to be left. When really I should be rejoicing. Part of me can, but I think I should be quicker to rejoice when You do things for me. It is Your love. I need to let it flood me and trust You will not let me proud. 
 I’m so afraid of that. So afraid of loving the gifts (which I do) more than You. 

Taking what You give and being like, Yep, all me. When I deserve none of it. It’s all a gift. Everything.  I can’t even take the gifts You give. The time this year has given me to see the twisty of my heart. The ache. The longing. It’s great. And last year around this time, I had spent part of it with this friend. There were friendship bracelets and a talk in the car where I said I think people know things about me already, but they don’t. And now its gone. Dead. 

You do though, God. You wove me intimately in my mother’s womb. So You knew how hearing Beckah Shae’s, I’ll be alright again at the end of this year, is interesting. I just ughh. I don’t get me and I hate how it bothers me. The jealousy. How it creeped and killed and I couldn’t see it as clearly until cutting the tie. And I don’t know how encouraging can continue holding it together. Could have. Even with my other friends. Whatif jealousy gets in and kills too?   And I wish I would’ve read more of never unfriended before I had to let go but maybe it wouldn’t have done anything. 

God. This just makes me want to be a better friend but mostly see how You are a friend to me so I can take it in. Soak it in. Ughh. I love You for endlessly listening and knowing me. 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl 

Ps. Please forgive me. For dismissing Your care for me. I’m sorry I’m so slow to receive.  Oh yay, the song I heard first at the concert. 

As sure as the sun will rise 

And chase away the night 

His mercy wil not end.

His mercy will not end. 

The tears. God. 

Previous letter here

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12/29/17

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Day 38

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Like a skin,

the light of Your love 

shines in. God, it’s as if

You have a flashlight to

look inside my heart. I can

almost hear Your whisper,

what makes you so afraid?

I will be left alone, forgotten,

abandoned. I will have to work

for approval when deep inside

I feel a child in the dark. I know 

You want me to have my eyes

open wide. The love comes, God, and it is 

a gentle touch.

I’m here, child. I’m here. I’m here. 

Say it again. 

Every battle–

this one where all

I see is broken within 

& without, You see more

than I am at this moment –

You fight. Reprise my joy

again. Let me find you here

in the morning where I see today, Your 

kindness shining bright. Right in my eyes 

with the sun, the cat across the table laying there. This tea.

The warmth. Ellie Holcomb coming 

through these new headphones aptly 

named, IJOY. 

You are doing something. Your joy my 

portion and my strength. 

One thing I know: I feel You

are going to tell me You are loved over 

and over again.

It looks beautiful and always wins. It 

makes me grateful.

You are the someone who will

not let me go. You are my success. You 

are going to come right on time. You will. 

You are here right now. Hold me still. 

Rest me in Your songs of deliverance 

now. 
love,

Your tender haired girl 

PS. 

“He will send from heaven and save me from the slanders and reproaches of him who would trample me down or swallow me up, and He will put him to shame. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! God will send forth His mercy and loving-kindness and His truth and faithfulness.”‭‭Psalm‬ ‭57:3 AMPC

I really like this verse in this version a lot. Save me from reproaches and the  slanders.  Not that I didn’t feel them earlier because as he was leaving, he kept saying to do something new. besides sit here with you. I don’t want to. I have no desire to. I don’t like that I don’t feel well either. Just gross. Tired. But maybe a 5 minute walk. I really want time with a friend. Actually I don’t, but maybe it will do some good too. Send forth your mercy and lovingkindness. Please and thank you. 

Previous letter here. 

12/22/17

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Day 35

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God,

Love has a way 

to show me the one thing 

I know: the memory of me 

standing in the kitchen with

both of them fighting to take 

off my coat & me reveling the 

attention even though it was angered. 

You were there watching me look at the 

black 

& white tiles, wondering why I 

felt I had to grow up when I wanted to be 

a child. I am 

no victim now because You

hold my hand & show me

You’ve always seen me this way. You are 

more than I am-

more love where I have known 

loss. Fear where I have felt not

enough. Laughter where tears wet my 

face. Let my soul speak, He maketh no 

mistake.

This space where the silence is

thick, I believe He hasn’t forgotten my 

face. His ears 

are open to my grief. His kindness will 

find me here 

in this darkness, this shelter 

of His wings. I am as the little 

magnolia reaching to light, let 

me feel the countenance, the warmth of 

Your face. Here, I am 

safe, seen in the words I pave

without a sound. Let Your songs

of deliverance come 

lift my troubled frown. 
love,

your tender haired girl 
previous letter found here

but I’m afraid of me. 

God,

will you find me

here today as I tell you:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry I get attached to people so easy. 

I’m sorry I want them to love me like only 

you can love me. I’m sorry I want you to 

take me to heaven to set me free. I’m 

sorry I’m angry, that I want you to hold 

me in your arms, my only support today. 

I can’t tell you enough

how I want to run away, hide away, cry. 

You should take me, take away every 

thing, person 

that I put before and leave me

empty please. I want your love

fmf: support

This is what I thought of when I saw the prompt: “I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

How am I slipping? Idolizing people. I really don’t mean to do it but the more I see me doing it, the more I want to go hide in a cave forever. It’s why I like long distance friendships I think. I can’t get close enough physically to get attached. And even if I do share my heart, there’s always a space. A pullback.  I probably idolize things (not just people) that I don’t realize. This week has just been hard and tiring and I want to run as far away as possible but Jesus won’t let me. I don’t want to hurt people anymore or myself. Or Jesus. 

Everything within is just a whole bunch of wanting to cry. Get angry. Sit quietly.

I feel a bit like this: let me be while you’re holding me tight.  I hear this lyric and think of Jesus. Every time. 

Please hold me, Jesus. My heart wants to cry and cry and cry. But you promise you won’t leave even as I tell you I don’t like myself right now. I can’t understand why you love me. Why you want to, but that’s who you say you are. Even as I am scared of me, my need, everything. Wrap me in the shelter of your wing. Thank you. I have no other words. 

like my mouth is trying to run a race. 

I am caught in

the blessing when 

my phone lights with

the picture and I hear 

her ask, how I am. I 

say good..ish and she 

repeats the ish. And then 

later on, her laugh fetches 

mine as we realize how hard 

connecting is. But what she doesn’t know 

is how I’ve missed this welcoming space

to ramble though my voice cuts off, not in 

tears but movement 
fmf: blessing

It is a bblessing to call a friend after you haven’t talked since last year (on the phone) and remembering how good it is to laugh. To hear them laugh. And their kids in the background. And what you are pretty sure is a bird. And god’s reminder that though you may be tired of reaching out to anyone, afraid nothing will happen, or you will hurt them/or they will you, be a burden..God drives these fears out. Even if it’s slow. So slow. But it’s worth it for laughter. To remember you are always welcome even if you’re talking too fast and you’re cutting out. And some anticipatory happines coming. And lingering in the silence. And reminder to not give up.  

There’s been a lot of praying this week and confusion, some anger which I think is serious deep sorrow, cat holding and late nights with tears that stopped my phone screen from working. Laughter from a typo that has turned into something without fail makes me laugh.

And this. And lavender sugar cookies. And playing fetch with the dog whose eyes gleam with God’s compassion. And I think I just named so many blessings. Abundance in the hard places. ☺️

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. 

o comfort all my woe

Steady me, Lord,

It is hard being loved

when my heart is broke 

& I don’t want to show 

the floods of anger that

flow out of my mouth with

out regard. I feel I give too much, Lord. 

That I have to fix 

what I can’t but I can’t. All I know is this 

hurts. This throbbing in my chest I don’t 

know what I’ve done, why this

distance is big, not in space physical but 

heart. I want to scream and shout, but I 

am too tired, so I’ll breathe in the wind 

imagine it’s your hand coming t

fmf: steady.

This week has been very hard. Hard in the sense my heart hurts. I’m going back through Bonnie Gray’s, Whispers of Rest because I signed up for the book club she’s hosting. I didn’t think I would because typically when I read a book it takes me a long time and I don’t want to read it again after I’m done. But with this, I’ve felt God move through it when I couldn’t really feel anything the first time. I still can’t but here’s how God works.

Yesterday, I pretty much lost it. I was losing it on the inside and then on my mom (bless her, Jesus. Seriously. Bless the way she sees the fact I’m going to blow, and reassures me a mother’s job (okay one of many) is to comfort me. She’s not going to leave me crying. I love she let me basically watch all of Miranda last night and made vegetable pizza with me. And softened the butter for the lavender sugar cookies we will make again), who really brought to view this verse: “I will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.””


^^ these will be making a reprise very soon 😋

‭‭I’m taking the out of context with Jerusalem (since that’s a city. I will forever think God is talking about an actual person or to me directly), but if God’s way of comfort is food and laughter, then my mom pretty much nailed that this week. Always seems to, too. When I’m in a sob fest rant of epic proportions about the unknown, the fear, feeling like I’m losing friends, losing myself, no motivation, unsure about my dreams, she is there with a hug. And singing Ellie Holcomb until I stop. And Sara Bareilles (serious flashback of my second concert with my mom and getting a battery operated fan stuck in my hair 😂). 

Sorry I told you, that’s not helping! quite a few times yesterday, mom. And my testy. And yes, I know my tone has been all wrong, but thank you for loving me through this and giving me truth. You’re a real somp. 🙋

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and reminding me of a song with this prompt. (You just love to sweep in. With love. Keep on please.)

what’s underneath this ugly.

God,

This light and momentary affliction doesn’t compared to the future glory of Yourself You will display. Right? I want to believe in the midst of these slow beginnings of finding my voice. In the dark of places. It’s a little lonely and the way I feel my heart ache for You, I just hope You’ll come soon and show me. This anger and sorrow and rbrokenness is silly in the light of Your but I can’t seem to shed it. Like Sara Groves song about shedding this skin and leaving it on the ground. But you’ve seen 

Fmf: future

I just noticed I didn’t put “love” after “light of Your” — I know it’s a free write but sometimes I just want to have the words right. It’s like I write faster in my head.

God has been very kind this week and I would like to take a moment to write out some gratitude.

1. The way I’m pretty sure He’s making the fragrance of the flowers my sister gave me really come out in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. 

2. Pretty much goes along with number 1, but friends who listen to your broken heart and tell you it’s okay to be a mess and feel all your feelings and to tell God everything.

3. This morning when the cat seemed to move and lay on the book I’m reading or the bible..forcing me to get quiet and talk to God again. He knows I can’t resist her. Preciousness that she is.

4. Watching Miss You Already on Hulu and feeling sad one minute, happy the next for the depth of this friendship and family and the way it endures through this woman’s battle with cancer. I really didn’t know it had to do with cancer but  I read the blurb about friendship and was like, yes please. The mom of the woman with cancer breaks her out of hospice so she can be there for her best friend having her first baby and I’m all: 😍😭😭. I can’t get the movie out of my head. Watch it.

5. God’s patience and love while I get used to being His Beloved and find my voice again. Or maybe the first time. It is terrifying. And good.
And because I can’t leave a post without sharing Sara’s song, here you go. ☺️