11/9/18

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Day 124

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Dear God,

Please lift the weight

In my chest—I cant miss him

Anymore. I don’t want to—the

Ache to all him how he is or

Share about going to see Lauren

Daigle—it will not come off the same

As telling a guy who wants to follow

You – and cares my heart in a way I’ve

Yet to experience. It is the waves of

Wondering – is there someone out there

Who wants to pursue me & not as a side

Thing? Will I at some point stop wanting

Him to come to You? The joy of Your love

Even when your heart is aching?  Will this

Get any easier? Why did marriage have to

Be a thing this year? Will You hold me

Close now & bring laughter again & again

Until this is distant & far from my memory?

It is hard, Lord, to sit in this darkness along 

With friends aching — each of us in a distant 

Circle—this hurts but it will get better—we tell

Each other over & over—God has this—can I

Have a listening ear? Will there be a joyful time

At one time where the confetti can explode &

The dancing Ive seen in my dreams will feel as

The best surrender?

I give You this burden

because You promise

You tenderly care for me

& You will lift up my head.

 

fmf: burden.

 

*written some with/without timer because I thought it started, but apparently not. This was a hard one to write, but I’m so thankful for the friends who are there to pick me up & speak truth when it is hard to take because my heart just aches. But there is music and laughter & prayer & a fun game called Red Flags I want to play forever & a Christmas concert: Lauren Daigle’s Behold Tour in December & a fun countdown app another friend showed me. So, no matter how much pain I feel right now, God’s got me under His wings. I’m holding on to that today.

7/17/18

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Day 107

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God,

can I tell You 

this heaviness of heart 

wants to crush me? I’d like

to cry my eyes out so You 

can take all this salty & pour 

all this water in Your bottle

especially marked, Julia. I can’t 

bear this alone. I need You, Lord. I need a 

friend to let me fall apart. I’m sorry for 

trying 

to make something work that 

isn’t supposed to now or maybe not at all. 

Hold me closely because 

I wish I could turn off that I care.

If I sit here & sway to the music,

will You meet me? Take this burden & 

bear this load. It is 

too much & Your shoulders are

greater than my own. 

3/9/18

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Day 79

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Jesus,
Today,I found
You—I am weary
From all the yelling
I’ve heard around me
That makes it way within
& I cry, Peace, come find
My tired body. Come lay
Me down beside the stream
Where mercy flows so steadily –
Jesus, have mercy on me, have
Mercy on we, this family. Lord,
I beg You—please show Your face,
Your favor to me. Let the war within
& wither, cease to

 

fmf: tired 

2/17/18

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Day 68

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God,

This book:


is very interesting. The challenges this week have been um, intense. There’s a better word. Like yesterday: find a mentor. You know, I find Trisha very mentor-y. She takes all my insane ramblings and tells me I’m too in my head in the gentlest way. And prays for me. And if I could sit across from her once a week at Brahm’s, Starbucks, or that place we once went for tacos, every week, I’d probably tell her all of my woes and some joys (like with the skit guys.), but I think I’d mostly want to sit there and go, YOU WRITE THAT BOOK, SISTER. WORK THOSE WORDS. (maybe not that loud but it’s hilarious to think about..hook me up with a pom-pom and Beckah Shae jams and Ellie Holcomb and we are good to go..oh please, Lord, one day. 😂 it makes me want to fall on the floor with laughter.) It could also be very distracting but I think she’d take it, hahahaha. I’d make sure I’d write some stuff. Probably one of these. Lol. I love that she believes in me as much as I believe in her. 

She helped me with another one of those challenges in #100daystobrave. When I loathed the idea of asking a guy to coffee. No, I really thought it was hilarious. But once I told her and she told me to do it while waiting at the dentist, I wanted to try. And yes, I dreamed a little sitting in the dentist chair what would it be with yes. And no. And she told me not to think too much (I need to be told that. I get a little too lost in there. What is it all writers?) Through the miles, she holds my hand and reminds me I’m not alone. I’m loved and can go crazy, just don’t stay there. Ugh, how easy it is. But the beautiful thing about You, God, is in the process of needing a friend and having to put myself out there, I’ve gotten to encourage her too. It boggles my mind. 

I know I’ve told You, but I love You a lot for putting her in my life. I can tell her all my crazy dreams and I can along side her in her’s. And I get to see more of You- through her marriage and kids and the way she is a friend to me. 

This book, LORD, has made me look at my dreams – the way I wanted to write a book so long ago and did. But the reason – to prove myself as a writer-was wrong. I don’t have to. A few weeks ago when one of the days was about my thesis and I said it was to be the friend who encourages and helps with their dreams, made me think. I don’t get anything any more lately. Not sure I have ever. Nope. It came out so fast and you know I’d help in a heartbeat. But I know I can’t push my way and You will clear the way in Your time. And if You did let me go to Texas for any extended time more than days, I’d need so much encouragement it’s crazy. Cause just because I say I love it over there, I’m so used to the valley. The pain and the shadows. It’s hard for me to see the places You let me rest my head. 

Especially here and now where everything feels hard and tiring. And most days lately even though I don’t feel that desperation in my heart (to be saved from a human) as often anymore, I still want a friend to come over here. To eat food and watch movies and talk and just be together. I’d do that with Kelly and Megan in a heartbeat. They are my friends in the valley and although it is hard and confusing and most times right now I’m content being with You, I still want to fight for our friendships. That feels like the bravest thing right now with the lies that scream for me to give up, you’re losing all your friends, you’re so selfish, no one cares.

And if it’s anything you’re trying to show me is that I can’t give up even if things get lost in translation. And I know this is completely random but I seriously need some more encouragement today. Plwase. 

Thank you,

Your tender haired girl 
Ps. Going to pump up worship music now. So much. 

2/6/18

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Day 66

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God,

Here I am 

on this Tuesday 

surrounded by Your love –

it comes steady, concern 

from two friends asking if 

I’m okay. How do I say, I’m 

being pushed by fear to believe

the worst: I’m too much. I feel that way 

at least. I give so much & I’m so afraid 

silence 

is what I deserve. I want to close myself 

off from anymore 

rejection. It’s perceived, I know this. It’s 

always good in the giving, then the 

waiting. And honestly, it’s fine. Until: 

whoa. What’s all this emotion for? You’re

crying? And then the silence. Not a word. 

And I tell myself things like, they’re

busy. It was good in giving. Shouldn’t 

care about response. But my heart 

screams, I want to be loved. Why do 

people have to leave? Why does it have to 

hurt to risk closeness when you put your 

heart out and say, ‘I love you. I want to be 

with you.’ But it never seemed quite 

mutual? And then to put yourself out 

there again, and something will not let 

me stop, Lord. Even tho the enemy

screams louder and louder & I want to 

hide away, You will not let me. 

Help me see what You see.

Help me believe I’m worthy of love.

Help me see my beauty. 

Love 

your tender haired girl.

Ps. I know You are faithful and good. This hurts way more than I understand. This feeling of rejection from years ago. Help me let it go, Lord. Please. 

12/30-31/17

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Day 39

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God,

It’s weird hearing this song again and hearing it at the beginning of the year. I played it over and over. And over. And then with her. I remember singing it, feeling this burning in my cheeks. Because I wasn’t singing it just for me, but this friend too. It almost felt like embarrassment. Singing the truth that we are both loved by You, different strengths, weaknesses all covered in Your love. You. 

It’s weird how at the beginning of the year, I was so pumped up with this album. I never really expected to share it with this friend and feel threatened. Because parts of my story are so wrapped in playing this artist on repeat, hearing Your Word, about You, and holding on tight through many dark nights. Days. Trembling. Wondering. Were You real? What have I done? But mostly, I just wanted to get through. 

I never knew You’d use this artist so deeply in my life. And then to bring along this friend to the concert and watch her hand her book to her with lyrics from that song. It was bigger than my feeling I was getting something taken away. 

Except the friendship is. Walking away because of shame and guilt and it’s just great to come to know jealousy really does kill. 

And now I’m really afraid to put myself in a place where friends can continue being my friend. If they’d even want to. And I know they do. But God. Learning today that when I covet, it’s not trusting Your care for me, it really showed me a lot of the reason why I can’t handle Instagram or Facebook. Or struggle receiving good news from friends or maybe even for myself. It’s like this fear of I’m going to be left. When really I should be rejoicing. Part of me can, but I think I should be quicker to rejoice when You do things for me. It is Your love. I need to let it flood me and trust You will not let me proud. 
 I’m so afraid of that. So afraid of loving the gifts (which I do) more than You. 

Taking what You give and being like, Yep, all me. When I deserve none of it. It’s all a gift. Everything.  I can’t even take the gifts You give. The time this year has given me to see the twisty of my heart. The ache. The longing. It’s great. And last year around this time, I had spent part of it with this friend. There were friendship bracelets and a talk in the car where I said I think people know things about me already, but they don’t. And now its gone. Dead. 

You do though, God. You wove me intimately in my mother’s womb. So You knew how hearing Beckah Shae’s, I’ll be alright again at the end of this year, is interesting. I just ughh. I don’t get me and I hate how it bothers me. The jealousy. How it creeped and killed and I couldn’t see it as clearly until cutting the tie. And I don’t know how encouraging can continue holding it together. Could have. Even with my other friends. Whatif jealousy gets in and kills too?   And I wish I would’ve read more of never unfriended before I had to let go but maybe it wouldn’t have done anything. 

God. This just makes me want to be a better friend but mostly see how You are a friend to me so I can take it in. Soak it in. Ughh. I love You for endlessly listening and knowing me. 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl 

Ps. Please forgive me. For dismissing Your care for me. I’m sorry I’m so slow to receive.  Oh yay, the song I heard first at the concert. 

As sure as the sun will rise 

And chase away the night 

His mercy wil not end.

His mercy will not end. 

The tears. God. 

Previous letter here

12/29/17

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Day 38

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Like a skin,

the light of Your love 

shines in. God, it’s as if

You have a flashlight to

look inside my heart. I can

almost hear Your whisper,

what makes you so afraid?

I will be left alone, forgotten,

abandoned. I will have to work

for approval when deep inside

I feel a child in the dark. I know 

You want me to have my eyes

open wide. The love comes, God, and it is 

a gentle touch.

I’m here, child. I’m here. I’m here. 

Say it again. 

Every battle–

this one where all

I see is broken within 

& without, You see more

than I am at this moment –

You fight. Reprise my joy

again. Let me find you here

in the morning where I see today, Your 

kindness shining bright. Right in my eyes 

with the sun, the cat across the table laying there. This tea.

The warmth. Ellie Holcomb coming 

through these new headphones aptly 

named, IJOY. 

You are doing something. Your joy my 

portion and my strength. 

One thing I know: I feel You

are going to tell me You are loved over 

and over again.

It looks beautiful and always wins. It 

makes me grateful.

You are the someone who will

not let me go. You are my success. You 

are going to come right on time. You will. 

You are here right now. Hold me still. 

Rest me in Your songs of deliverance 

now. 
love,

Your tender haired girl 

PS. 

“He will send from heaven and save me from the slanders and reproaches of him who would trample me down or swallow me up, and He will put him to shame. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! God will send forth His mercy and loving-kindness and His truth and faithfulness.”‭‭Psalm‬ ‭57:3 AMPC

I really like this verse in this version a lot. Save me from reproaches and the  slanders.  Not that I didn’t feel them earlier because as he was leaving, he kept saying to do something new. besides sit here with you. I don’t want to. I have no desire to. I don’t like that I don’t feel well either. Just gross. Tired. But maybe a 5 minute walk. I really want time with a friend. Actually I don’t, but maybe it will do some good too. Send forth your mercy and lovingkindness. Please and thank you. 

Previous letter here. 

12/22/17

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Day 35

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God,

Love has a way 

to show me the one thing 

I know: the memory of me 

standing in the kitchen with

both of them fighting to take 

off my coat & me reveling the 

attention even though it was angered. 

You were there watching me look at the 

black 

& white tiles, wondering why I 

felt I had to grow up when I wanted to be 

a child. I am 

no victim now because You

hold my hand & show me

You’ve always seen me this way. You are 

more than I am-

more love where I have known 

loss. Fear where I have felt not

enough. Laughter where tears wet my 

face. Let my soul speak, He maketh no 

mistake.

This space where the silence is

thick, I believe He hasn’t forgotten my 

face. His ears 

are open to my grief. His kindness will 

find me here 

in this darkness, this shelter 

of His wings. I am as the little 

magnolia reaching to light, let 

me feel the countenance, the warmth of 

Your face. Here, I am 

safe, seen in the words I pave

without a sound. Let Your songs

of deliverance come 

lift my troubled frown. 
love,

your tender haired girl 
previous letter found here

but I’m afraid of me. 

God,

will you find me

here today as I tell you:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry I get attached to people so easy. 

I’m sorry I want them to love me like only 

you can love me. I’m sorry I want you to 

take me to heaven to set me free. I’m 

sorry I’m angry, that I want you to hold 

me in your arms, my only support today. 

I can’t tell you enough

how I want to run away, hide away, cry. 

You should take me, take away every 

thing, person 

that I put before and leave me

empty please. I want your love

fmf: support

This is what I thought of when I saw the prompt: “I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

How am I slipping? Idolizing people. I really don’t mean to do it but the more I see me doing it, the more I want to go hide in a cave forever. It’s why I like long distance friendships I think. I can’t get close enough physically to get attached. And even if I do share my heart, there’s always a space. A pullback.  I probably idolize things (not just people) that I don’t realize. This week has just been hard and tiring and I want to run as far away as possible but Jesus won’t let me. I don’t want to hurt people anymore or myself. Or Jesus. 

Everything within is just a whole bunch of wanting to cry. Get angry. Sit quietly.

I feel a bit like this: let me be while you’re holding me tight.  I hear this lyric and think of Jesus. Every time. 

Please hold me, Jesus. My heart wants to cry and cry and cry. But you promise you won’t leave even as I tell you I don’t like myself right now. I can’t understand why you love me. Why you want to, but that’s who you say you are. Even as I am scared of me, my need, everything. Wrap me in the shelter of your wing. Thank you. I have no other words. 

like my mouth is trying to run a race. 

I am caught in

the blessing when 

my phone lights with

the picture and I hear 

her ask, how I am. I 

say good..ish and she 

repeats the ish. And then 

later on, her laugh fetches 

mine as we realize how hard 

connecting is. But what she doesn’t know 

is how I’ve missed this welcoming space

to ramble though my voice cuts off, not in 

tears but movement 
fmf: blessing

It is a bblessing to call a friend after you haven’t talked since last year (on the phone) and remembering how good it is to laugh. To hear them laugh. And their kids in the background. And what you are pretty sure is a bird. And god’s reminder that though you may be tired of reaching out to anyone, afraid nothing will happen, or you will hurt them/or they will you, be a burden..God drives these fears out. Even if it’s slow. So slow. But it’s worth it for laughter. To remember you are always welcome even if you’re talking too fast and you’re cutting out. And some anticipatory happines coming. And lingering in the silence. And reminder to not give up.  

There’s been a lot of praying this week and confusion, some anger which I think is serious deep sorrow, cat holding and late nights with tears that stopped my phone screen from working. Laughter from a typo that has turned into something without fail makes me laugh.

And this. And lavender sugar cookies. And playing fetch with the dog whose eyes gleam with God’s compassion. And I think I just named so many blessings. Abundance in the hard places. ☺️

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.