as before.

My emotions rise

to the surface – slow

as I’m without feeling as

I tell You, God, it’d be real

nice if you could take me 

to heaven now, just part the

Sky and take me up even though I’d 

probably be terrified.

I can’t believe the dog wiped mud on my 

pants before I have to go to the doctor, 

but I don’t even know what I’m cleaning 

myself up for. I’m dirty – I’m well aware 

as I sit and stare at the sky as I listen to 

the voices inside rise. And something 

within wants to bend, break, 

fmf: slow.

Today I learned something very interesting: I gained 7 pounds from May of last year. From being 102. I don’t get it.  With the way last year went, I’m surprised I don’t lose more. But God really is sustainer with what little I’ve eaten, but other than that I’m healthy and all cleared for surgery. Other things I’ve learned that no matter how many times you ask God, are you here? while you’re sitting in the waiting room and then at home, he shows up with tuna and a doughnut and Gatorade. And here:

11 You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. (‭Psalms‬ ‭65‬:‭11‬ NLT) I read that this morning and said I’d like to see Him in the hard places and sometimes I think he likes being funny with doughnuts or food in general. He’s a funny God, He is. And I love that He won’t let go in the silence, fear, sorrow and just plain awe.

Please awe me more, God, please, please.

(o) see You again 

God, come again
to my side–Your hand

in mine makes me able

to breathe again. Tell me

again I’m wonderfully made 

by You. Look in my eyes, whisper again 

the life draining 

from You can be filled to full again. All I 

have is Yours here.

My heartbeats. The blinks of my eyes in 

between the wait

fmf: breathe.

I took an unintended break from here last week. I feel like my life is starting to become that way. Everything feels like one huge Selah. And I’m tired to the point I’d like to sleep (but I don’t) all day and fight-y to the point I’m weary. I’ve gotten hooked into a show that is like a soap opera, and I keep trying to pull away because I can see it’s going in very uncomfortable turns and has been but can’t pull away. 

I’m noticing this the closer I get to Jesus, the distractions fly in front of my face and I’m like, I can do this. It’s just a thing I can walk away from. Err, nevermind. Look, who’s been on the couch for hours? And then by the end of the night, I go back to Jesus like HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What makes writers write things like that and I keep watching? Whyy? I’ll hang out with you but wait going to watch that..  I really need Your Word. You. Something about Your goodness. How does my heart break like this for people who I don’t really know that well at all and Jesus, my body, worn out and weary. WHERE IS THE SHINY? sigh. And how is it that I keep coming back to You when I feel You hate me for being so easily swayed. 

The beauty to all this is the friends who God has been using to listen and encourage me. Like Megan, who sat with me and listened to me sing ELLIE HOLCOMB’S NEW ALBUM pretty much over and over and over instead of working on something with full attention. And talk about how her and Sara Groves need to sing the whole Bible because it’d be awesome! And I’d never turn it off. And how we are going to have road trip to Texas because Ellie doesn’t have a stop here in GA and I want to drag another friend with us (probably wouldn’t be dragging to her..). But this ALBUM AND UGHHH.  And road trip! I really dream a little too much maybe about road tripping with Megan. But God gets it. And I think he may find it as funny as I do. And randomly dancing. And this:

This is waiting for the Cheesecake Factory and eye spy and laughter. Because that’s how Megan rolls especially when I’m tired. And cold. And all the time.  But was worth it just to share with her. 

And watch her make this:

I love the glove heart. And how the g in delight looks like it’s lifting up the e in every. Totally describes our friendship 🙂

Not sure where this post was going but looks like it went to gratitude to God for Megan. For how good He is. 

to untangle such disarray.

What joy can I find

in today – when my

inner dialogue & those

around me are all screaming,

won’t you be by my side? Why 

did you do this, do that? 

and I wonder, Abba, if 

right here is enough. To

let you hear these cries and

bring them once again to Your

feet. I need you, Abba, & so do 

they. We all do. & I don’t know

what else I can do 

fmf: joy.

Christmas, or leading up to it, really makes me see and hear and feel pain of others that just shocks you still. Or makes me want to hide away. Because I  want to help and fix it, make it stop. But I  can’t find helpful words and I  don’t know what to do. And I’m not sure if Jesus is really hearing my heart cries or if it’s enough what I’m telling him outloud. If the continued lie that brokenness is all there is, will continue to whisper louder, the more truth seems to pour out though i’m distracted every few minutes. And want to cry and get so mad: Jesus, I’m done! That’s it! This hurts. Can’t you wipe it all away? Can I hide away forever? In the shadow of your wings I am safe right? You are refuge. You are the hope that doesn’t disappoint because of the love you have poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit? Did I say that right? All this time getting into your word and reading is bringing about something beautiful? Can I experience your joy for me this Christmas? You coming into my need that I won’t miss it?

Maybe the joy is the knowing Jesus knows my heart and wants to hear me express it. He knows neediness and doesn’t mind it. Believing he wants to help is a little harder, but he says he holds me by my right hand, do not fear. I will help you. So, okay. But I’d be lying if I said I feel covered in darkness and he already passed me by still.

May your consolation bring me joy that you know my doubts. About Christmas. About your plan for my life. Friendships. Family. Everything.

Through the joy of every morning 

My love will be yours. (okay, Jesus, okay.)

rather have me wait for you

The week starts with a breakdown 

of my body & an ache

in my soul as my body 

heats & chill &. goes 

back to normal. I fall

Asleep on his word-

I’ve done this to break 

your pride, your trying

trying trying. Impatience.

Abba, why this test to sit

still & wait & see when I want

to run & do. I can’t. I can’t. So,

I cry because I know this is best, to pour 

over your word,

for you’d 

fmf: test.

I love how this is so spot on this week. Surprised it’s coherent. This week has been whoa. So many trying days filled with anger at myself and aches in my body and a tiredness that makes me feel I could sleep for days. I’m grateful Jesus has given me so much time with him because there’s no one else I’d rather explode to than others (which I’m pretty sure I have, but the kindness shown to me has helped me see Jesus is watching me). So many days this week, I’ve drifted to sleep at the table while the cat randomly nuzzles my head. Or when I am awake(ish) grabs my hand with paws and holds it with one to her face. And no matter how much I want to get mad or frustrated that I can’t read my bible or take notes on a book, I can’t because too precious she is.

You can’t get mad at this. Fierce love. Her eyes say it all. 

I may or not share way too many pictures of this kitty, but too presh not to. God, thank you for Juno, who seems to be always close beside me when I can’t hold myself up, when I can’t see where I am going and when I feel most alone. She plops herself down and tries to knead me or rest in my lap or in my journal or bible. She shows me so much about you. How you want to be with me in whatever mood I’m in, even though sometimes I don’t want You there. You come anyway. You look at me, hold my hand, and whisper, I love you this way. And no matter how I want to change my sorrow and anger toward my unhurry, you understand and won’t leave me. Please keep showing me this and you still delight in me. In Jesus name amen.

Daring Questions

The honesty in this post and what Jesus reveals back is so beautiful. Asking the hard questions isn’t easy, but the healing that comes is what makes us able to see Jesus and help others in their pain.

Joy of the Spirit Within

Do we always dare to both receive and ask the anguished, heartbreaking and deeply dusturbing questions? The question in the Bible that has perhaps the biggest potential to grow and challenge us is Jesus’ question to Peter:

Mark 8: 29 NIV

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

And I’m not talking about a rational, head-response, but a heart response. “Who am I to you, Anna?” He asks me.

Here is an insight into the kind of tough questions I asked of God a few days before I went into my first therapy session for PTSD, questions that would drastically change my heart response to the above question. I KNEW the rational head answers I’d read in the Bible, but I desperately needed God’s personal touch. And He heard my cry:
If You’re a Healer, then why did You not heal?

Jesus answered me by…

View original post 1,231 more words

use you’ll turn in two 

as I write my past, I see all the ways 

You’ve been loyal–

saving me from a boy

I couldn’t let go of until

the day I found the courage 

to say no, giving me friends 

who have looked at my eyes 

full of fear & said, it’s okay, I still

love you. Or wrote in the miles that 

separate us. But here, lord,

there is fear that I can’t share the breaks 

that lead to this place, beca 
fmf: loyal.

God is loyal. Loyal to love when you don’t know. Loyal when you are in a state of shock. Loyal to love you when are so tired but somehow keep finding words to say.

And today those words are, thank you.

than my sorrows.

Lord, I have been in this 

pit for so long.

I look up & think,

I’ll try climbing out.

What I put my hand 

To seems to make me

Slip & fall til I am flat on

my back in a surrender.

& I think You will come with

fire and swipe me out with all

the negative thoughts I can’t seem to 

clear my thoughts of.

You say your kindness leads to 

repentance. Please lift me out so I can 

sing more 
fmf: lift.

I feel like the last few weeks have been a test for me. A test of faith. That God will lift my head, put a new song in my mouth, restore what the locusts have eaten, give me a garment of praise instead of these mourning clothes. That He is the best out of all these things that keep on distracting. He is faithful.

He is faithful to pull me into His Word. To hold me when I don’t anymore except that I’m tired and weary and can’t believe I bought a bible that I keep getting distracted reading but still find myself opening it and wanting to soak in a word. A phrase. Something.

Today, that is, He helps me and my heart is filled with joy. Psalm 28.