but I’m afraid of me. 

God,

will you find me

here today as I tell you:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry I get attached to people so easy. 

I’m sorry I want them to love me like only 

you can love me. I’m sorry I want you to 

take me to heaven to set me free. I’m 

sorry I’m angry, that I want you to hold 

me in your arms, my only support today. 

I can’t tell you enough

how I want to run away, hide away, cry. 

You should take me, take away every 

thing, person 

that I put before and leave me

empty please. I want your love

fmf: support

This is what I thought of when I saw the prompt: “I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

How am I slipping? Idolizing people. I really don’t mean to do it but the more I see me doing it, the more I want to go hide in a cave forever. It’s why I like long distance friendships I think. I can’t get close enough physically to get attached. And even if I do share my heart, there’s always a space. A pullback.  I probably idolize things (not just people) that I don’t realize. This week has just been hard and tiring and I want to run as far away as possible but Jesus won’t let me. I don’t want to hurt people anymore or myself. Or Jesus. 

Everything within is just a whole bunch of wanting to cry. Get angry. Sit quietly.

I feel a bit like this: let me be while you’re holding me tight.  I hear this lyric and think of Jesus. Every time. 

Please hold me, Jesus. My heart wants to cry and cry and cry. But you promise you won’t leave even as I tell you I don’t like myself right now. I can’t understand why you love me. Why you want to, but that’s who you say you are. Even as I am scared of me, my need, everything. Wrap me in the shelter of your wing. Thank you. I have no other words. 

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like my mouth is trying to run a race. 

I am caught in

the blessing when 

my phone lights with

the picture and I hear 

her ask, how I am. I 

say good..ish and she 

repeats the ish. And then 

later on, her laugh fetches 

mine as we realize how hard 

connecting is. But what she doesn’t know 

is how I’ve missed this welcoming space

to ramble though my voice cuts off, not in 

tears but movement 
fmf: blessing

It is a bblessing to call a friend after you haven’t talked since last year (on the phone) and remembering how good it is to laugh. To hear them laugh. And their kids in the background. And what you are pretty sure is a bird. And god’s reminder that though you may be tired of reaching out to anyone, afraid nothing will happen, or you will hurt them/or they will you, be a burden..God drives these fears out. Even if it’s slow. So slow. But it’s worth it for laughter. To remember you are always welcome even if you’re talking too fast and you’re cutting out. And some anticipatory happines coming. And lingering in the silence. And reminder to not give up.  

There’s been a lot of praying this week and confusion, some anger which I think is serious deep sorrow, cat holding and late nights with tears that stopped my phone screen from working. Laughter from a typo that has turned into something without fail makes me laugh.

And this. And lavender sugar cookies. And playing fetch with the dog whose eyes gleam with God’s compassion. And I think I just named so many blessings. Abundance in the hard places. ☺️

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. 

o comfort all my woe

Steady me, Lord,

It is hard being loved

when my heart is broke 

& I don’t want to show 

the floods of anger that

flow out of my mouth with

out regard. I feel I give too much, Lord. 

That I have to fix 

what I can’t but I can’t. All I know is this 

hurts. This throbbing in my chest I don’t 

know what I’ve done, why this

distance is big, not in space physical but 

heart. I want to scream and shout, but I 

am too tired, so I’ll breathe in the wind 

imagine it’s your hand coming t

fmf: steady.

This week has been very hard. Hard in the sense my heart hurts. I’m going back through Bonnie Gray’s, Whispers of Rest because I signed up for the book club she’s hosting. I didn’t think I would because typically when I read a book it takes me a long time and I don’t want to read it again after I’m done. But with this, I’ve felt God move through it when I couldn’t really feel anything the first time. I still can’t but here’s how God works.

Yesterday, I pretty much lost it. I was losing it on the inside and then on my mom (bless her, Jesus. Seriously. Bless the way she sees the fact I’m going to blow, and reassures me a mother’s job (okay one of many) is to comfort me. She’s not going to leave me crying. I love she let me basically watch all of Miranda last night and made vegetable pizza with me. And softened the butter for the lavender sugar cookies we will make again), who really brought to view this verse: “I will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.””


^^ these will be making a reprise very soon 😋

‭‭I’m taking the out of context with Jerusalem (since that’s a city. I will forever think God is talking about an actual person or to me directly), but if God’s way of comfort is food and laughter, then my mom pretty much nailed that this week. Always seems to, too. When I’m in a sob fest rant of epic proportions about the unknown, the fear, feeling like I’m losing friends, losing myself, no motivation, unsure about my dreams, she is there with a hug. And singing Ellie Holcomb until I stop. And Sara Bareilles (serious flashback of my second concert with my mom and getting a battery operated fan stuck in my hair 😂). 

Sorry I told you, that’s not helping! quite a few times yesterday, mom. And my testy. And yes, I know my tone has been all wrong, but thank you for loving me through this and giving me truth. You’re a real somp. 🙋

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and reminding me of a song with this prompt. (You just love to sweep in. With love. Keep on please.)

what’s underneath this ugly.

God,

This light and momentary affliction doesn’t compared to the future glory of Yourself You will display. Right? I want to believe in the midst of these slow beginnings of finding my voice. In the dark of places. It’s a little lonely and the way I feel my heart ache for You, I just hope You’ll come soon and show me. This anger and sorrow and rbrokenness is silly in the light of Your but I can’t seem to shed it. Like Sara Groves song about shedding this skin and leaving it on the ground. But you’ve seen 

Fmf: future

I just noticed I didn’t put “love” after “light of Your” — I know it’s a free write but sometimes I just want to have the words right. It’s like I write faster in my head.

God has been very kind this week and I would like to take a moment to write out some gratitude.

1. The way I’m pretty sure He’s making the fragrance of the flowers my sister gave me really come out in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. 

2. Pretty much goes along with number 1, but friends who listen to your broken heart and tell you it’s okay to be a mess and feel all your feelings and to tell God everything.

3. This morning when the cat seemed to move and lay on the book I’m reading or the bible..forcing me to get quiet and talk to God again. He knows I can’t resist her. Preciousness that she is.

4. Watching Miss You Already on Hulu and feeling sad one minute, happy the next for the depth of this friendship and family and the way it endures through this woman’s battle with cancer. I really didn’t know it had to do with cancer but  I read the blurb about friendship and was like, yes please. The mom of the woman with cancer breaks her out of hospice so she can be there for her best friend having her first baby and I’m all: 😍😭😭. I can’t get the movie out of my head. Watch it.

5. God’s patience and love while I get used to being His Beloved and find my voice again. Or maybe the first time. It is terrifying. And good.
And because I can’t leave a post without sharing Sara’s song, here you go. ☺️

as before.

My emotions rise

to the surface – slow

as I’m without feeling as

I tell You, God, it’d be real

nice if you could take me 

to heaven now, just part the

Sky and take me up even though I’d 

probably be terrified.

I can’t believe the dog wiped mud on my 

pants before I have to go to the doctor, 

but I don’t even know what I’m cleaning 

myself up for. I’m dirty – I’m well aware 

as I sit and stare at the sky as I listen to 

the voices inside rise. And something 

within wants to bend, break, 

fmf: slow.

Today I learned something very interesting: I gained 7 pounds from May of last year. From being 102. I don’t get it.  With the way last year went, I’m surprised I don’t lose more. But God really is sustainer with what little I’ve eaten, but other than that I’m healthy and all cleared for surgery. Other things I’ve learned that no matter how many times you ask God, are you here? while you’re sitting in the waiting room and then at home, he shows up with tuna and a doughnut and Gatorade. And here:

11 You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. (‭Psalms‬ ‭65‬:‭11‬ NLT) I read that this morning and said I’d like to see Him in the hard places and sometimes I think he likes being funny with doughnuts or food in general. He’s a funny God, He is. And I love that He won’t let go in the silence, fear, sorrow and just plain awe.

Please awe me more, God, please, please.

(o) see You again 

God, come again
to my side–Your hand

in mine makes me able

to breathe again. Tell me

again I’m wonderfully made 

by You. Look in my eyes, whisper again 

the life draining 

from You can be filled to full again. All I 

have is Yours here.

My heartbeats. The blinks of my eyes in 

between the wait

t
fmf: breathe.

I took an unintended break from here last week. I feel like my life is starting to become that way. Everything feels like one huge Selah. And I’m tired to the point I’d like to sleep (but I don’t) all day and fight-y to the point I’m weary. I’ve gotten hooked into a show that is like a soap opera, and I keep trying to pull away because I can see it’s going in very uncomfortable turns and has been but can’t pull away. 

I’m noticing this the closer I get to Jesus, the distractions fly in front of my face and I’m like, I can do this. It’s just a thing I can walk away from. Err, nevermind. Look, who’s been on the couch for hours? And then by the end of the night, I go back to Jesus like HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What makes writers write things like that and I keep watching? Whyy? I’ll hang out with you but wait going to watch that..  I really need Your Word. You. Something about Your goodness. How does my heart break like this for people who I don’t really know that well at all and Jesus, my body, worn out and weary. WHERE IS THE SHINY? sigh. And how is it that I keep coming back to You when I feel You hate me for being so easily swayed. 

The beauty to all this is the friends who God has been using to listen and encourage me. Like Megan, who sat with me and listened to me sing ELLIE HOLCOMB’S NEW ALBUM pretty much over and over and over instead of working on something with full attention. And talk about how her and Sara Groves need to sing the whole Bible because it’d be awesome! And I’d never turn it off. And how we are going to have road trip to Texas because Ellie doesn’t have a stop here in GA and I want to drag another friend with us (probably wouldn’t be dragging to her..). But this ALBUM AND UGHHH.  And road trip! I really dream a little too much maybe about road tripping with Megan. But God gets it. And I think he may find it as funny as I do. And randomly dancing. And this:


This is waiting for the Cheesecake Factory and eye spy and laughter. Because that’s how Megan rolls especially when I’m tired. And cold. And all the time.  But was worth it just to share with her. 

And watch her make this:


I love the glove heart. And how the g in delight looks like it’s lifting up the e in every. Totally describes our friendship 🙂

Not sure where this post was going but looks like it went to gratitude to God for Megan. For how good He is. 

to untangle such disarray.

What joy can I find

in today – when my

inner dialogue & those

around me are all screaming,

won’t you be by my side? Why 

did you do this, do that? 

and I wonder, Abba, if 

right here is enough. To

let you hear these cries and

bring them once again to Your

feet. I need you, Abba, & so do 

they. We all do. & I don’t know

what else I can do 

fmf: joy.

Christmas, or leading up to it, really makes me see and hear and feel pain of others that just shocks you still. Or makes me want to hide away. Because I  want to help and fix it, make it stop. But I  can’t find helpful words and I  don’t know what to do. And I’m not sure if Jesus is really hearing my heart cries or if it’s enough what I’m telling him outloud. If the continued lie that brokenness is all there is, will continue to whisper louder, the more truth seems to pour out though i’m distracted every few minutes. And want to cry and get so mad: Jesus, I’m done! That’s it! This hurts. Can’t you wipe it all away? Can I hide away forever? In the shadow of your wings I am safe right? You are refuge. You are the hope that doesn’t disappoint because of the love you have poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit? Did I say that right? All this time getting into your word and reading is bringing about something beautiful? Can I experience your joy for me this Christmas? You coming into my need that I won’t miss it?

Maybe the joy is the knowing Jesus knows my heart and wants to hear me express it. He knows neediness and doesn’t mind it. Believing he wants to help is a little harder, but he says he holds me by my right hand, do not fear. I will help you. So, okay. But I’d be lying if I said I feel covered in darkness and he already passed me by still.

May your consolation bring me joy that you know my doubts. About Christmas. About your plan for my life. Friendships. Family. Everything.

Through the joy of every morning 

My love will be yours. (okay, Jesus, okay.)