wrap me up. 

God, 

I am overcome 

by my lack – my 

inability to feel the

sorrow my heart 

keeps bringing up.

up to my eyes asking

out out out. 

you think I would have 

last night – her words still 

Echo. It’s okay to cry. 

No it’s not, I said. Yes, if 

is. She was giving me permission to fall 

apart. 

And I felt the tears come 

again now. Jesus I need 

help. I want a person to come

fmf: overcome

I want to give commentary to this poem, but I’m tired. I’ve felt all the way around tired since Thursday. I’ve been in a daze and listening to friends ask me how this concert was or family ask me if I’m okay. And I just keep saying, still processing and yes, just really tired. And in the midst of that I want to sit with a friend and just let whatever comes out, out. I try to with Jesus and what comes it is I can’t believe I said that. That was stupid. I couldn’t just say thank you?  Why doesn’t it feel real? You must have been protecting me. Why couldn’t I just cry? Why are her words making me remember the way she looked at me and my wanting to back away, but she wouldn’t let me? Over and over I said I can’t do it. And over and over she said, yes you can. And I felt something within well and then pass. But I wanted to cry so much and I don’t understand why. 

Because she wasn’t going to be upset if cried. She wasn’t going to tell me to stop. And maybe the biggest thing is she was by my side. And I got to watch her share her heart and me just stare into space. I mean I said things but really, I don’t think it was about me. Not that it ever is. 

I mean, yes I want attention. But honestly, Jesus, it’s so much bigger than me and yep, I can’t comphrend it. Please give me more good moments I can fully present for/in instead of dazed. Please. Please. Please. 2 months and 3 days of delight please. And help me please process this more. Please. 

(I love how this post probably makes no sense. But to me and Jesus and maybe some if you read my last post. More will come soon I hope.)

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pace, knowing the sorrow. 

Jesus,

Right now, right

here I discover the way

you love me – by playing 

her music when I’m pretty 

sure I didn’t pick it. But all

her songs keep playing now,

and here I sing to you: I’m

grateful for your love. The way

you come so gently and fill me

with anticipation for something

I’ve wanted with no clear reason why. It 

is a huge longing 

that feels it will take me down if

I’m not careful. But I remember all the 

times I’ve sang along, feeling you come 

into the s

fmf: discover

After watching Trisha’s Facebook live video on celebrating joy (just look at the joy on her face. ☺️) I can say with complete and utter joy, 6 MORE DAYS TIL ELLIE HOLCOMB WITH MEGAN!! 🙋🙋🙋 6 more days!! I can’t even contain myself right now. Can’t do it. I mean I keep going from oh my gosh this is really happening to, really? to God, I want write a song with her soooo bad! Ugh, why is this so funny and pretty much impossible for me? Will this change anything at all? JESUS WHAT IS HAPPENING. AHHH. 

it’s very interesting how this all came together when tickets were sold out. And my longing to see her sing since last year. But feeling God come into her music through very hard things for the past almost 4 years. Things I don’t like remembering but the song will trigger. But Jesus is there. In the memory even as it’s faded. And in the ones of singing along to her pretty much every day of declare. They are good, but also ache with missing. Missing of friends and the car ride there and back from the conference  and feeling God inhabit the space the entire way. I feel like I did a lot of this. And I’m hoping God helps me on Thursday with lingering because I know I’m going to be either super quiet or weepy or unable to control my happiness.   Or all three. 

I’ve been told I’m very present. To a degree this is true, but I’m learning just because I am with my body doesn’t mean I’m with my mind. One of the struggles I’m finding I had at declare was thinking all these women had it together. They didn’t. And the expectation I had of myself needing it to lead to something tangible (like a job) pretty much left me wanting to run and hide (which I did quite a few times) which felt like God only pursued me more. When I wanted to sit in my head, he would not allow it. He wouldn’t allow the enemy to steal all of my joy. He helped me listen and turn off the music at times (because I find Jesus there but I can hide there too when I feel afraid or irritated or lonely).  But Jesus showed me himself too when the music was off and I embraced all the feelings. 

Please help me, Jesus. You know the overwhelming feelings. How I can easily cry when Ellie comes on. You also know what her music has helped me through in this valley of weeping. But I feel the refreshing springs are coming. And to share this with Megan too – it is a gift that I want to hug you for. Be near us. So very near. And if you want to you know arrange a meet and greet that includes song writing, well, go right on ahead. It makes me want to laugh just thinking about it. But until then prepare my heart and help me be present and in the moment, not even thinking where it could lead. Let me encounter you. Embrace you. You are good and faithful. Thank you for all the delight this year. I love you. Amen. 

Chased After

This is good stuff. The last line calms my soul. ☺️

Meg Lynch

chased after

When you don’t think you are seen,
When the people around you act like you’re invisible,
I see you.

When the depths of your unsearchable heart
Lie untouched by human hands
Or touched by them the wrong way,
I know your ache.

When all the world has turned away from you
And left you alone with all your pain,
I seek out your heart.

When you feel unloved,
Unwanted, like garbage,
I send you little hints of all the ways I love you.

Like a good game of hide-and-seek,
I search after you with gladness.

View original post

my shelter

Hey God,

Would you please 

invite me into your heart?

Your peace, I long for my 

anxiety to drown in it. I hear 

the voice of the enemy louder,

You don’t deserve that! You are 

not even looking for a job. You don’t even 

care to start. It is true, God. I’m afraid. 

The louder

the condemnation, the more I shrink 

back. I need you, Lord, to

come rescue my heart. I need you, my 

only place to start. Come hold me in your 

arms. 
fmf: invite

This prompt made me think of the ways I’ve been invited this year. To a Facebook called group called Glory Writers. (Facebook and I are no go right now, but eh. It’s okay.) To the whispers of rest launch team by a friend. To Declare by another friend (really I think we may have both invited each other 😂). To go back again to Texas. 

But what this also made me think of is how I’m desperate to be invited into Jesus’ love – to understand those unforced rhythms of grace. To understand that church really doesn’t have to be scary, though it’s terrifying to someone who wants to bolt every time worship songs come on (says the girl who can listen to Ellie Holcomb on a continuous loop if you let her..). 

This week has been one of those weeks where I don’t know what Jesus wants me to do. I don’t want to go to school or get a job and I don’t want to work for approval. In the middle of the week, I got an email saying Ellie Holcomb tickets were available (a few) for a show that was sold out, and I about lost control inside. I texted Megan and exploded with joy. I also texted my brother a few times since he said he was cool getting tickets for us. And then I waited. Told Jesus, PLEASE SAVE A SEAT FOR MEGAN AND ME. PLEASE. And then maybe an hour or so later, I think, I text many friends like: I’M SO PUMPED RIGHT NOW! AHHH! 

Jesus planned it perfectly. He knows my heart, my fears and my lack of trust in him right now, my fear that he doesn’t understand me at all and won’t come through. How I need gentleness and so much kindness to change my fearful heart. Because honestly I don’t think I deserve the things he is gifting me with this week. Ellie Holcomb tickets. Time with Megan and another friend this weekend. Ellie Holcomb on the 26th with Megan. In the midst of all the good, my heart is still terrified. 

You can’t possibly love me like this, Jesus. I won’t even try because I know I’ll give up. Don’t care enough about me. How are you still mindful of me? Mindful that I’m on guard. Mindful that I can hear the enemy. Mindful that I really REALLY want to write a song with Ellie. So much so that it feels like I could burst when I’ve only written one song ever and who knows where it will lead. If at all. Mindful that desperately need you. 

Please come to me. Please come invite me. Please. Thank you for loving me. Amen. 

is hope. 

We sit on the floor.

Backs against the wall

with coffee in her hand

& tea in my own. My heart 

split with sorrow I could no 

longer hold. I don’t remember 

what I said, but I do remember 

the way I said, God, I am a selfish person

out loud. I should have listened to the 

story of her heart more. The breaks and 

the bend & finally seeing someone 

understands 

the hurt. Circumstances may be

different, but we both still have th

fmf: story

I haven’t wanted to write here since this last week. My heart has been trying to process the experience of declare and the little things in between, like crying because God whispers I’m beautiful and sobbing because relationships are hard. Really. And staying on the floor is best sometimes. And singing to Trisha about hope. Even though I’m on the verge of tears. And telling her son that his take on time is beautiful. And the way he shows me his AWANA book one of the days it’s like Jesus just walked on in. The joy. Singing all the way to the conference everyday. (Yes, it was Ellie Holcomb. 😂 there was some Sara groves.) And the talks every night. And laughing with her husband. Parenthood. Rambles. Chocolate. Sunsets. Prayers. Lots of those. Ugly cry(ies).

A new friend, Kayla. this girl can draw. Seriously. And her willingness to chill with me and make a path to get around during Beats and Sweets was a gift. Her dancing while walking in the middle of the dance floor was also beautiful, watching her embrace it and me just smiling because I can’t handle spotlight.      (We’re going to maybe MAYBE write a song together. 😂)  Meeting another friend, Miah in one of the biggest half price bookstores I’ve ever seen. A rainbow the second day of the conference. 


Seriously, it’s like the Lucky Charms cereal box. But better. Also, I didn’t take this picture, but my friend, Desiree.  (I have 2 without any people that I took. I think I was too busy trying to be present. And somewhat hiding from the fact that being loved without any effort on my part makes me cry. A lot of the times I’d start to cry, I just would look at Trisha or others who got to watch me sob and just wonder how God can take it. Accept me while I’m all, wait, you love me? But I.. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be a mess. This is what I saw in their eyes. Heard in their prayers. It was like God came right up to my face multiple times and said, its alright. I see you. I know the hurt. 

And then as if God just wanted to add a little bit more delight to my year, my dad hints while we are driving back to the airport that he is going to Texas next month. And then on the plane he says he can drop me off to see Trisha again when he goes for a meeting.  (and in my delirium, I sit there like, are you sure? in my head. But then he mentions it again when we are home and my brain is like: WHOA. GOD. Whoa. So tired, but whoa. 

This trip showed me God as a father. How he provides. And REALLY DELIGHTS to surprise you. Gives you extra time. How he loves you. And I saw God as a friend. How he listens. Walks with you. Sits with you.  Reassures you he is listening. Grabs you a whole bunch of tissues when tears will flow. Makes you tea and spends time being still with you and lending a shoulder when you really don’t want to move and singing is more appealing. Prays with and for you. And spontaneously takes you for ice cream because the skit guys said it was the best.  

There’s more I could share. But my heart is savoring. God really did abundantly more than I asked or thought. Way. 

Thank you, God. For everything. Every little thing. With this trip. With the friendships. With my heart. Please don’t stop. Please keep showing the deep delight. Please please. You are good. Even in this wait. You are faithful. Amen. 

wish to share 

Jesus,

help me

depend on You,

my friend. My savior,

do you see me here, 

unsure of how your kindness

can turn my heart continually

to you. My healer, do you know

the wound, the scar I may bear

makes me think of the kindness 

then when I was so unaware. Could you 

do it again this week? Even if I cry, even if 

I say I’m sorry, may your love

be clear. You care and you know the plans 

you have once 

I take to the air and open my hands to  

all you 

fmf: depend.

Tomorrow, I leave for Texas. All this week has been a battle of my mind with doubt, a spider in the bathroom (that looked like a trantula to my brother..), lots of itching from bug bites, and thinkining I was getting an ear infection… in the midst of this hard stuff, God pours on the good.

1. Watching Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and Doug with my brother (90s children forever.) 🙋

2. Krystal burgers and a chocolate shake from my brother, too. 

3. Finishing Waves of Mercy by Lynn Austin. The audiobook is so good. 

4. Yellow butterflies. I think I’ve said this before but I had them for months before I went to Texas last year. Sometimes I think it’s God, like, hey, I’m leading you. Nothing to fear. 

5. Chocolate pretzel milano cookies, Twilight Delight candy bar (I didn’t even know the name until we got home the other day. God is HILARIOUS getting my  word of the year in when I’m not looking for it.) AND CORN. my dad thinks I could it forever. And honestly? If it was in harvest all the time, I’d be shucking it to eat it. 😂 

6. This podcast episode from Emily Freeman. All about expecting to be surprised. This couldn’t have been more timely and made me feel less alone about using song lyrics/titles for things. There are way way WAY too many poems thanks to Ellie Holcomb’s music that I just can’t help but write 😂 also, now totally want to see a sunrise. 

7. Learning on Tuesday that my seat for the plane ride there is now first class. A friend said, look who’s fancy now? 😂 I’m still in awe since I barely fly and this is just..Jesus. 

8. Great is your faithfulness, O God. this was in my head yesterday and I couldn’t figure out what song it was. And then I looked it up and was like, yeah, I remember this from a playlist I listened to somewhat repeatedly the last summer I saw my grandma. I used to walk half way around the block with my uncle and get lost in music. The warmth of the sun. The fireflies. It was a reminder to me then God pursues..and will continue even now.

God, you are good. You are faithful and true. Let me see your goodness and delight this week. Imprint it on my heart. Fill me up like only you can do. Thank you. Amen. 

won’t stop you anyway. 

Jesus,

pave the way 

so I may see

myself through Your

eyes, help me accept

Your love. Let me open

my arms and embrace You.

You are wonderful and faithful 

to woo me beyond my every no. 

Don’t let me go – let me dance with you 

right here. Don’t mind

the tears, this is all new and the lies I 

don’t deserve this – I don’t deserve such 

mercy to cover me though I will turn 

away tomorrow 

fmf: accept

Tired doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel lately. Weary maybe. Worn out. Burned out. I have not come through on two things this month (one including reading a book I’m supposed to help launch) so far. In between telling God, I’m going to do it. Yep, got distracted again. I don’t have the energy. 

I keep doing devotionals (whispers of rest. I can’t quit it.) and reading the bible. And rambling to God about how things don’t make sense and blah blah blah. Not the things are supposed to make sense but I need I don’t know, more than physical rest. Though some solid rest would be cool. Can I have a hug? A looooong one. I know you’re here, God. I know it. I know it. I’m just a little I don’t even know. And all ELLIE HOLCOMB TICKETS SOLD OUT, ughhh God, I want to go! Please. Please please please. PLEASE. I’m going to wait and pray to you. 

In the midst of all my rambling there has been:

1. Yellow butterflies. I know they mean guidance. Always come when I’m least expecting. 

2. An explosion of snacks brought from dad from his last trip. Included: trail mix, candy bars, pretzels (eating soon) and chips. 

3. Oreo shake from my mom. 

4. Pop pies and laughter from my brother until my sides hurt. 

5. My dad getting me a window seat for trip to Texas in 9 days.

6. Late night Voxer (this is a very interesting app where I feel like I’m a cop with a walkie talkie but nice to be share our hearts and come back later if we need to) with a friend. So much laughter and goodness last night. 

7. Anticipation to hug another friend in 9 days and possibly sing all Ellie until I can’t 😂 and possibly this:

8. I can pave the road for you. seriously so catchy and I love how she dances with her daughter and she says: yeah. 😍

9. This friend coming back to blogging!!!! So excited you don’t even know. 🙋🙋🙋
Thank you again, Lord, for all the abundance in the hard places. I may not always recongnize or acknowledge it because I’m so busy asking for heaven now and for you to come comfort me. Hug me literally. Give me what I want right now. Because I am a child and sometimes I’m wanting, wanting, wanting. Wanting relationships to be better, vision, things. But it doesn’t compare to the way you sing to me. The way you dance within me when we are. The way it’s like heaven has come and I just want to stay with you in this moment, alone. Stay sith me and whisper how you will never leave even as I cry for home. You are good. And everything that isn’t yet is because you either want me to wait or isn’t meant for me. Everything that is coming or here, let me rejoice and feel you burn with me. Such delight within me. Promised for eternity. Amen.