Let’s go back to calling everybody “Dear.” Write everyone letters addressing them as close-to-our-hearts. Let them hold our words in their hands And be encouraged. Let’s go back to holding doors open for each other, No matter how far they lag behind. We’ll bring people with us As we walk into the world ahead. Let’s […]
My emotions rise
to the surface – slow
as I’m without feeling as
I tell You, God, it’d be real
nice if you could take me
to heaven now, just part the
Sky and take me up even though I’d
probably be terrified.
I can’t believe the dog wiped mud on my
pants before I have to go to the doctor,
but I don’t even know what I’m cleaning
myself up for. I’m dirty – I’m well aware
as I sit and stare at the sky as I listen to
the voices inside rise. And something
within wants to bend, break,
Today I learned something very interesting: I gained 7 pounds from May of last year. From being 102. I don’t get it. With the way last year went, I’m surprised I don’t lose more. But God really is sustainer with what little I’ve eaten, but other than that I’m healthy and all cleared for surgery. Other things I’ve learned that no matter how many times you ask God, are you here? while you’re sitting in the waiting room and then at home, he shows up with tuna and a doughnut and Gatorade. And here:
11 You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. (Psalms 65:11 NLT) I read that this morning and said I’d like to see Him in the hard places and sometimes I think he likes being funny with doughnuts or food in general. He’s a funny God, He is. And I love that He won’t let go in the silence, fear, sorrow and just plain awe.
Please awe me more, God, please, please.
Lord, I am
weak, as I watch
myself turn a shade
of sorrow, blue for what
will be missing soon. But,
what does that matter when
I have You? When I can tell You
my greatest fear–to be taken home
before my time, before I am ready. It’s
taking away of my ability to give birth.
But I can’t cry. I can tremble and feel
tears willing spill. But the perspective
needs a shift–maybe this way I can lean
heavy upon the shoulder who
gives life and takes away breath. Abba, I
want to be
dance the way I see in my head. I want to
be brought to
I cheated a little while writing this. because my name was called and apparently when I started the timer wasn’t set.
Can we just focus on the “faithful God who lavishes unfailing love” for awhile. I just want list some of the ways He has lavished it on since I found out the date of my hysterectomy earlier this week (I fought it long and hard for months..and I gave in because as much as I’ve loved having what seemed to be the longest on/off period (it’s always been weird) last year so I could chill and be with Jesus, I realize it’s not normal and I shouldn’t be afraid to be ask for help even if i think I’m totally fine just letting life go on. And if I’m honest, I’m totally still kind of okay with just letting myself be a complete crazy person to me and I’m sure to family and friends). This is very scary to me. Because it’s not only facing my fear of death (I know it’s a surgery and I’ll be asleep, but my fear of Jesus just be like, okay time to go. is a real thing. Which really shows me my view of Jesus is a little screwy, or a lot still.)
It’s also facing the loss of the ability to have a child. Well, beyond adoption. And this brings a host of questions like, do I want to get married? Will I? I’m also helping launch a book, The Heart of Marriage, about celebrating life together and struggles of marriage. It came out on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the quotes from stories really have stuck out like, Seek First. Love will have the last word. Love will not fail. And this:
I’m still trying to process it, but for me it really says something about holding on. And that it was I’m trying to do with Jesus through this waiting, and inevitable fear that keeps weighing on my heart a bit. Or a lot.
I don’t know why I’ve decided to get this vulnerable here. Maybe it’s not. But I need t9 process it. So onto the list:
1. This daffodil in my bible my mom brought me because I have a thing for flowers lately.
3. And one of three candy bars my sister gave me.
4. And her reassurance not to be afraid.
5. JEWELia (curtesy of Megan)
6. A long talk with Gwen. And her reassurance that is a okay to bawl.
7. An invite from my friend, Deanna to be on another launch team and getting to invite 2 more friends.
8. One who now will be able to lend me kindle books because she’s awesome like that. (Antelope in the Room, I’m coming for you. 😂).
9. Avocado sandwiches.
10. Skit Guys new podcast!
11. Sunshine in my eyes.
12. Living Water by Ellie Holcomb. Ughh. 🙋 (can’t link but buy the album and I promise you won’t be disappointed.)
I’m going to end this by asking for prayer to keep my eyes peeled for God here. And not be consumed about the surgery (April 14th.) I know he is faithful.
This is beautiful. Now I think I’m going to ponder the tone of a Valentine’s heart the rest of the day.. ☺️
You start the day with
Hurricanes of condemnation and loathing.
With every step you take,
You fall deeper and deeper
Into the pit.
This destructive, destroying world
And all its helpless people
Have taught you to be ashamed
Of what you’ve done, said, thought,
Of who you are.
When you look around you,
When you see your environment,
All you see is shadows.
Darkness pervades the air.
Desperation invades your heart.
Something inside you sparks. I have to get out of here.
You gather all the energy you can muster,
And you run.
You leave the desolate behind
Heading for what, you do not know.
Up ahead, you see something new coming,
And you’re fearful of the cloud bearing toward you.
You’ve left the terror-wind behind
To be caught up again in what you cannot control?
Cleansing waters now compete for your attention–
Showers of mercy and grace,
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Is it safe to say
I’m uncomfortable with
this pause in my life, Lord?
When I’m still my tears find
their way out, like the blood
continuously flowing through
this body not mine. Yes, I’m
your temple, but I wonder when
all my heart meets you, you have turned.
The anger comes
in a wave & I tell you again, I hate myself.
Please just…where are you? I’m a small
child who waits to be scolded for the
outburst in my head, but I don’t
hear what I want
Ever have one of those weeks where everything that comes out your mouth is a complaint or anger or sadness that will not stop? And you want it to stop and try to be quiet but your heart is all, That’s I’m done! Jesus can we go now? I have had enough of my humanity, my brokenness. Are You sure You want all of my heart because it’s gross to me. I don’t like that I want to punch You or beat on Your chest because everything is You and me. And I just want to be held and I can’t really see You. I can except maybe I’m trying so hard to see that really You want me to rest. So that You can come in and show me I’m safe in Your embrace. I feel so helpless and tired without You. And I know You tell me I can be helpless with You and You will carry me. Please do. I’m a little sheep, who doesn’t know her way.
Yes, one of those weeks.
“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”
1 Peter 5:10 NLT
Holding on to this.
God, come again
to my side–Your hand
in mine makes me able
to breathe again. Tell me
again I’m wonderfully made
by You. Look in my eyes, whisper again
the life draining
from You can be filled to full again. All I
have is Yours here.
My heartbeats. The blinks of my eyes in
between the wait
I took an unintended break from here last week. I feel like my life is starting to become that way. Everything feels like one huge Selah. And I’m tired to the point I’d like to sleep (but I don’t) all day and fight-y to the point I’m weary. I’ve gotten hooked into a show that is like a soap opera, and I keep trying to pull away because I can see it’s going in very uncomfortable turns and has been but can’t pull away.
I’m noticing this the closer I get to Jesus, the distractions fly in front of my face and I’m like, I can do this. It’s just a thing I can walk away from. Err, nevermind. Look, who’s been on the couch for hours? And then by the end of the night, I go back to Jesus like HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What makes writers write things like that and I keep watching? Whyy? I’ll hang out with you but wait going to watch that.. I really need Your Word. You. Something about Your goodness. How does my heart break like this for people who I don’t really know that well at all and Jesus, my body, worn out and weary. WHERE IS THE SHINY? sigh. And how is it that I keep coming back to You when I feel You hate me for being so easily swayed.
The beauty to all this is the friends who God has been using to listen and encourage me. Like Megan, who sat with me and listened to me sing ELLIE HOLCOMB’S NEW ALBUM pretty much over and over and over instead of working on something with full attention. And talk about how her and Sara Groves need to sing the whole Bible because it’d be awesome! And I’d never turn it off. And how we are going to have road trip to Texas because Ellie doesn’t have a stop here in GA and I want to drag another friend with us (probably wouldn’t be dragging to her..). But this ALBUM AND UGHHH. And road trip! I really dream a little too much maybe about road tripping with Megan. But God gets it. And I think he may find it as funny as I do. And randomly dancing. And this:
And watch her make this:
Not sure where this post was going but looks like it went to gratitude to God for Megan. For how good He is.
how you meet
me here with quiet
& confidence that comes
From your word: you will
give me strength, refine
me in the furnace of affliction
so I may come forth as gold–
Lord, I long to be shiny again,
with laughter’s tears, not grief
stricken with thoughts all this
will always be the same.
Something is happening to me. On the outside I’m still up & down, but my inside is randomly feeling some serious joy. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I want to. The more things become confusing the more I find myself being drawn to be still, to listen to him sing. To pour out my heart. He’s amazing with how he’s bringing verses back to me and how other songs with his word keep playing in my head almost like they’re on a loop.
I haven’t colored in my bible in so long. So when I opened to this other day, I was all smiley and ooh! And then wanted to color yesterday. God is stopping at nothing to be alone with & I just want to suck up all his words. All the ones that lift my soul. And all the melodies he leads me to. The hardest thing for me is watching how I still run to other people and want to share my joy or want them to fix my sorrow. But I’m learning the more I turn to him even just a bit, he’ll hold me still and comfort me. Waiting is hard. Especially when it feels like all your dreams are dying and a part of you is watching them go and another trying to hold on.
But your heart knows it’s better to be still and know He is God. He will be exalted over all and keep the fire in your soul.