holy

Lord,

bring me to

a place of harmony

with myself &. Others

– let me love myself enough 

– To hold on to this way you 

– inspire me with melody. All the lies 

come at me today; you are unworthy, 

nothing comes your way good but that’s 

not what you say. You say I will see the 

goodness of You while I’m here in the 

land of living. You will make me laugh 

instead of worry. You will bring beauty 

from these ashes I think look more 

appealing than this smile You give me. 

You are good and faithful, intentional & 

fmf: inspire 

I will see the goodness of the Lord while I’m here in the land of the living. This is I know: the Lord is on my side. I am precious. He will be my helper. He will hold me by my right hand. I don’t need to be discouraged, He is my God. I don’t need to be afraid, He is with me. He will strengthen me and uphold me with his VICTORIOUS right hand. Heart, take courage he’s coming with a rain of his blessing. His faithfulness. You’ll see. You won’t be able to miss. So you got rejected from a job you didn’t really want but still hurt. And you got silence for others. So? God has his best for you. His absolute best. He’s coming and in the meantime be grateful:

-friends pray with/for you. 

-they listen and remind you the truth

– that you are a little half way through the bible

-that you can sing and do a little hip shake dance

-you have food/water/shelter/a family who loves you. 

-you stepped out of your comfort zone this week. 

-you are beloved. 

-sister brought you a chocolate moose with marshmallow top. And salmon and asparagus. 

She’s always watching you. Let you sing this to her while you held her as if she’s your child.

Rejection may feel like it’s stinging heavy, but you know it’s not true. Hang on dear heart, he loves you very much. He’ll come through. 

the weight of it all.

Lord, won’t you come

on this swing with me?

Sway me back & forth 

With the breeze, but please 

don’t let this motion be like 

my dreams. Always hanging 

in the balance of my maybe..

I hear the birds singing, telling 

each other, how come she doesn’t yet 

believe all the Lord

Does above, in between and below, is love 

her? Or maybe they are giggling from a 

joke,

But oh Jesus, my heart is starting to know

fmf: play.

This poem could’ve been more about the fact I want to go sit on a swing set with Jesus (even though I’m pretty sure, no I know he’s on the porch swing right now with me.) but instead it’s about a dream I’ve been longing for that maybe was reawakened this week. It’s mystified me and made my heart all excited at the thought. Way too excited. I broke more this week and Jesus has held me. 

I also learned an awesome attribute about Jesus: Sovereignty  of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure. I’m in Ezekiel in my bible in year reading plan (a little more than half way done! Also makes me way too happy since it’s my first time. I’m gonna throw myself a party at 75 or a hundred percent. And dance to Ellie Holcomb.) and Sovereign keeps popping up a lot. I know that means God is in control, but I love finding this definition, that God does things for his own good pleasure. And then I find that pleasure has a synonym of “delight.” It’s hilarious because it’s my word this year. 😂 I love the way God does this. Love it. Sweeps in.

Speaking of delight: 

I got this candle in the mail yesterday and can’t wait to light it. My sister got it for me in a smaller size 2 birthdays ago and haven’t been able to quit it. I love that it’s called joy and laughter. I want so much of that in my life lately. 

Fill me up, Jesus. Oh please.

by the trinity 

In the morning,

I sit at the table 

& eat a chocolate cake

donut. The three chairs 

around me are empty–

Abba, I imagine You across,

with open hands & a smile.

I think You are asking me to

open my hands or give them 

to You. Receive. Jesus is to my 

left, Holy Spirit to my right. He 

wants to grab my hand, to pray

with me. They are quiet, heads 

bowed. I’m held tightly 

fmf: eat.

This poem is a little different in the way I felt I was experiencing this again. The calm. The way I felt like the Holy Spirit really reached out and held my hand, the right, weaker one of the two. The way Abba sat across and smiled with a knowing glance that said, you can open up. You can receive all I want to give you. 

God is moving me into new places it feels like. With my writing. (This was really, REALLY difficult to write. The memories were foggy, but the ache of how Jesus loved me was overwhelming. So overwhelming. With taking to Him about how I’m feeling without trying to hide. And with friends. Letting my heart come out, still unsure if I’m loved.

And then there is this reminder from Tim Tebow’s new book, Shaken, that hit me like a ton of bricks last night:

I can’t help but feel God is bringing something new, despite all the chaos and anger and sadness, things I can’t let go of. I can’t see the future and the fact things are always foggy is beginning to wear on my soul. I want to be in moments. I don’t know how to do that without assuming sadness/anger is all there is to hold. I know it’s not true, but sigh.

God, you make all things new. Beautiful in their time and joy. Laughter. Depth. Hope. Love. Please oh please show me this true. That is joy coming around the bend and I can soak it in. Because I want to stay with you, but I also don’t want to deny that what you’ve been bringing lately isn’t from you. You know, like the butterflies that keep me thinking we’re going to fly soon. Or Juno, who keeps plopping herself down in my lap. Or all these other things, one in particular that is so overwhelming it doesn’t seem real yet. Please show me this doesn’t have to be so hard to take. Please. In Jesus name, amen.

***

I realize this commentary has nothing to do with food. Soul is on a little of an overload lately. Thankful God lets me write and cry and get angsty. 🙂

I must wait, still

Listen, child.

I love you: the

way you laugh at

the cat as she gives 

a look – why are you

singing about dreams

this early? The way you

don’t know what’s happening,

But keep crying, father, where 

Are You? I need You? This hurts, this 

waiting with a pain

in my soul? I’m so prideful, selfish, want 

want want these 

desires fulfilled. 
fmf: listen.

Dear God, I am tired. I think it’s a little beyond that honestly. My prayers are random tears and anger and sadness. And last night the fear of the dark kept me awake until 3 in the morning. I feel like I’m being tortured inside. You made a mistake, Julia. You’re doomed. SHAME. I sit and wait for a pointed finger. There’s shadows light up the room with the nightlight. I try to cover myself up some more. Tell myself there’s no reason to be afraid. Close my eyes. Jolt up at every noise. You must have calmed me down after I turned off the music the second time. And now I sit with Your words before me. You keep track of all my tears. My enemies retreat when I call to You. This I know: God is on my side. Your faithful love endures forever. And I could keep going, but just got distracted AGAIN. Thank you for giving me love regardless of how I’ve been. Pumpkin muffins. A chocolate bar. Time to just talk to You. One of the skit guys liking a photo from years ago when there’s no way he’d be able to find it without You. There’s not an appropriate hashtag. How could I not trust You? How can I constantly turn my back and say: I still don’t trust You. You’re going to hurt me or tell me I need to achieve like I constantly hear in my head. And You give me this or I give you this, then there’ll be love. But all I keep hearing is, Come as you are. Okay. I’m here. I have nothing more than this broken heart and a mind that isn’t sure. I’m going to sit here and sing. Please show me there is more. In Jesus name, amen.

what do I do?

This path, LORD,

has been full of fog.

Only enough moment 

for one step at a time.

& oh, how I want to run!

I want to do all the things, speak the 

many words that 

my heart has hiding from the 

world, & You. LORD, how You’ve

asked me to sit with You, & I turn back 

into a little girl: Abba,

I’m afraid of this unfailing love.

Daddy

fmf: path.

This morning I’ve been coloring this: 


when the basement door opens and a cold wind (may have been the air conditioner) comes toward me. But I’m more interested in the open door. 

Jesus, are you opening a door?! and I laugh to myself because I don’t understand this path but I do know I feel a sweet closeness. From the way I’ve been getting up early and wanting to read His Word. Or these opportunities He has opened to me. I don’t know if it’s because of my constant begging, my fear, but I’m pretty sure it’s His unfailing love. And maybe this invitation.


Yes, LORD, show me how I love making graphics for books You let me help launch. And go outside my comfort zone in my writing & a new place I’ve never been before. It feels too much like a dream and my trust is, okay. You sure, God? What if I’m second guessing this? You sure I’m not being pushy, because I can very pushy. Actually, impatient. Very impatient. But I want to see You restore all the locusts have eaten. To do more than I’ve asked or thought according to Your power working in me. How there is no condemnation for me who is in You. How since You didn’t spare Jesus, Your beloved Son for me, You graciously give me all things. Those that are best for me. Because You want to, not because You feel You have to.

O LORD,

satisfy me with Your unfailing love,

give me courage to accept this love –

let me embrace Your goodness & mercy.

& may I find myself safe in Your arms.

from all over the globe

For over a year & some 

I have jumped. Into the 

opportunity to be a part 

of something bigger than me–

the emotions of pure joy & panic have 

volleyed for my heart. & there i would 

find

myself reaching beyond my own ability to 

accomplish what 

I set out to do – launch another’s words 

out into the world, with new friends 

linking arms as we became a team, full

of love 

fmf: team.

Today, I saw this prompt and became somewhat panicked. I quietly thought to myself that God is trying to tell me something. This poem is about the joy & and frustration (that I put on myself..) I’ve had in being apart of launch teams for author’s books. For the last year and some, I’ve had the privilege of helping them get their words out in the world and make some beautiful friends along the way.

I never even knew book launch teams was a real thing until my lovely friend, Trisha had signed up for one, told me about it and thought to myself, God, I want to do that! (I was a little afraid and whiny, as in I never thought He’d let me..) Clearly, He knows my heart because He keeps bringing opportunities. I’ve not understood this, only that there’s a joy & excitement each new one. And I always think, yayy! I get to read another book! But it slowly turns to me sharing my heart and making friends. And trying to figure out how I will summarize a book in a way that someone might be interested in. 

Here’s where I try to explain the fear in my heart. Yesterday, my bestie for the restie (my phone corrected that to rescue 😂), put a thought into my head: what about a book launching specialist? And all these thoughts come flooding: what? Does that mean I have to gather a team and be a leader? I don’t know how to lead. And what do I just read an author’s book and come up with a plan and like those forms you fill out to get people to join? And God why does this make me so excited but my chest is all: panic!!

And in between saying all this to God, finding things for my resumé for Megan (because she is awesome and making things a little more professional for me since I have no idea what I’m doing.) and fixing a new page under Publications, of the books I’ve helped launched so far (Megan made this too. Seriously. She needs a cake pop for all this work.) this verse popped in my head:

Romans 8:32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 

I read in a commentary that God gave Jesus freely. Without hesitation. Without money. Because He wanted to bless us. 

And then I have to think, because this goes way over my head, like I can’t wrap my mind around it, He will give me everything I need to do this? I don’t have to push and try to do it in my own strength?

Oh, to rest in this.

I need serious prayers. I want to do this so much. I feel like God is confirming this since my mom told me I should try it in March. 

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him. Ps. 91:15

Help, Lord.

a flower’s declaration 

I want to be free,

says the little magnolia 

hanging from the tree.

Won’t someone pick me?

Hold me & say I am pretty?

I’ve been here in the valley 

for so long. The people look 

at me momentarily & walk away. Am I 

only to be brushed

by the wind, wilted by the sun, drenched 

by the rain? 
But in this despair, my petals 

reach out to the sky: I am grateful for

Your love, the water to drink, the heat 

warming, the whisper of Your love on the 

breeze; how You are unfailing.

My God, the only hope I’ve got, ever had 

to bloom was Your faithfulness alone.

You make the broken beautiful –  

how some think they’re halved to stay. A 

seed never to grow in 

the valley where no one wants 

to go. Here where clouds cover or sun 

beats unbearable, but I know. 

Slow. Patient. Intentional.
Don’t forget His love.

He who tends, watches 

over, sings His night song

to cast out all the fear making 

my leaves tremble.

May the words I speak 

make You smile, Lord.

May my heartbeats bring

You closer to remind me

I can’t, never will outrun 

Your love.

Last night, I wrote this while listening to Ellie Holcomb. I don’t know how it happened, but when i heard, Magnolia, I started hearing words of a story in my head. Words that sounded like they where coming from the depths of my soul to God. The cry of my heart. I will never understand the way he works through music and my words, but the peace is beautiful. Knowing that he hears, understands, cares, is something I’m still trying to get to my heart, and reminding myself to tell the truth is even harder. But I’ll sink if not. I’m thankful he knows how to get to me: music and a poem. 🙂

Title inspired by this lovely woman’s poem about who she is.

Favorite line: “Not to fill a hollow

With nothing but sorrow” — yes, yes, and yes. 😍