8/10/18

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Day 111

//

God,

I can’t get the woman 

from the episode of call

the midwife out of my head. 

The way she swayed back 

& forth in that dress. The way 

the guy looked at her as if she 

was all he saw in the crowd of people. 

That isn’t what fully gets me. It’s that 

they both have disabilities, but it doesn’t 

hinder their love. It only seems to deepen 

it. The way they gave themselves to each 

other – even though they weren’t 

married & I’m not a fan of that – 

even though they lost the baby,

even though they were separated, he still 

went to such 

(great lengths to show her she was cared 

for by him, seen. With that sweater and 

that little 

note that said something, but all I saw 

was “love forever, Jacob” – they were in a 

home, but it doesn’t hinder – and now, I 

wonder if it stays or ends. How does it 

endure that kind of distance? Why does it 

get so deep into my heart that it twists 

me up? Maybe because it’s 

showing me what I’m going 

through in my own life to a degree –

a guy who has come back in 

my life unexpectedly & says he 

has always seen me. And I’ve questioned 

it, thought about it, said it. I never 

thought you noticed me. 

He says something like, oh believe me, I 

noticed you. 

& I’m quiet. So much so he

asks if I’m still there. God, 

I’m not saying this will go anywhere, but 

there is something. A kindness,

patience I’ve yet to understand 

between us – I never expected 

to have all these feelings come

up & out – these memories of 

the past of another guy who 

said similar words, but he’s 

not the same: this guy has 

a disability too, so there is

a level of understanding. 

& even though we are miles 

apart, I feel he sees my heart. 

I can’t deny my feelings, 

I couldn’t even if I wanted to. 

But I want us to go slow, let 

a friendship bloom & grow. 

& if You move us into something new 

where You 

let us have a try, I pray it brings 

glory to You. Now & always.) 

fmf: woman. 
Sometimes God will speak to you through a tv show and then you have to write about it because it’s hitting close to your heart. A little too close. And then through a friend sharing a song. And then some more songs. Thank you, God for disarming every fear even as I’m confused. But you’re not confused. You know what You are doing. You are in control. You will guide all of this, whatever this is. You have this. 

And thank You for the Call the Midwife. So so so good.

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7/30/18

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Day 109

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 God,

When I was thirteen,

did I want to be in love

as I do now? Where I want 

to let my guard down to a guy

and share my love for You &

watch us grow together. One

conversation, and then again. 

one hand held, one laugh, one 

cry until we bloom. Not that the 

silly butterflies where my inside 

keep my feelings cocooned &

nervousness takes flight only 

to die in the height of infatuation, but the

kind,

patience that takes hold, root. 

I don’t want to let hope die, Lord. Can 

You show me this guy if he is here to 

hold? To 

build up. I don’t understand 

anymore, Lord. Nothing makes 

sense and I’m lost with a somewhat

guard against 

my heart & a wonder if 

Anything is real. If anything 

within the past few days 

is You or an imitation of light. 

I’m duped so easy. But I didn’t 

seek this out, it found me. And 

left me in shock that I am seen. 

I am remembered. I am lost. 

I want a friendship to bloom. 

I am afraid. But also okay. Guide my 

heart. 

fmf: thirteen

7/17/18

//

Day 107

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God,

can I tell You 

this heaviness of heart 

wants to crush me? I’d like

to cry my eyes out so You 

can take all this salty & pour 

all this water in Your bottle

especially marked, Julia. I can’t 

bear this alone. I need You, Lord. I need a 

friend to let me fall apart. I’m sorry for 

trying 

to make something work that 

isn’t supposed to now or maybe not at all. 

Hold me closely because 

I wish I could turn off that I care.

If I sit here & sway to the music,

will You meet me? Take this burden & 

bear this load. It is 

too much & Your shoulders are

greater than my own. 

7/6/18

Father,

I need a vacation 

From fear, judgement,

anger. Come in a little 

closer & whisper, I love you,

my youthful one. Let Me carry 

you close now, next to my beating heart. I 

cherish you more & more, even as the 

memories of what was take you over. 

How you wish you could start over. But 

my darling, there is better here & now as 

you sit here with that melody so close 

to your ear. I am right here, breathe Me 

in, Breathe Me out. 

My love will never plunder. I’ll stay here 

forever. I’ll always help you through 

surfender 

fmf: vacation 

*i love writing to the timer and leaving whatever comes out. You get words like surfender. 😂

4/27/18

//

Day 100

//

God,

Let me not stay

Stuck in the fear

Of what is to come.

My heart is heavy

For the waiting is

Long. Will I be able to

See any better after they

Remove the film making

The clouds come, grey and

Sometimes black surround?

Will Your kindness abound

Upon the waking up? Before?

Should I keep calling You good

In the meantime? Yes, You are,

Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor

& a song for me to sing along,

my faithful, steadfast God,

friend,

 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl)

 

fmf: stuck

*( where the timer stopped.

 

I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:

  1. Friends praying.
  2. Call the Midwife on PBS. One of the Sisters in the show has cataracts. Even she is a lot older, it’s been reassuring to see how instead of being told, get over it -it’s a routine thing. She is told it is okay to be afraid. And she also says she’d rather live in darkness and bolts out if the doctor’s office when it gets too much. I haven’t bolted, but I’ve told God, can’t You just take them away, please? This is my deepest fear. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled to see how he comforts me after. The Sister had a woman she wound up becoming friends with and Kelly told me she’ll be coming after with a milkshake and a movie that I will gladly watch with one eye. And maybe some confetti? #lastchallengeof100daystobrave
  3. Helping another friend with math. Learning when and where to use the distributive property is SO FUN. I don’t even know I still remember some of this math..but I love  how God is showing me again we need someone to believe in  us& struggle with us and show us, hey, we’re not alone.
  4. Pasta salad for dinner tonight. I am pumped.
  5. Starting A Wrinkle in Time the book with Shannan and Kelly. I’ve already told Shannan time is getting wrinkly. lol day folding into night. the title could inspire a poem.

Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.