2/23/18

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Day 71

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God,
What beauty did
Bartimaeus see when You
Healed him from blindness—
What will I see after this cataract
Surgery? Will the sun be brighter?
Will flowers hold more color? Will
The shadows disappear I sometimes
See? Will I still have to hold things close
To my face, or be jumpy when someone
Comes close? What I don’t understand
Is having to be awake for tpphe whole thing—
I kn(ow You will be there in the pre-op appt.
Next Friday & whenever the surgery is. I’m
afraid, Lord. I know it’s a routine surgery,
& it’s just a laser & it will be okay because
You will be with me—I don’t like being awake
Even with whatever they will give to relax me.
“Hey, let’s look at your eye & take that cloudy
Away, okay? Now whatever you do, don’t blink
Or move.” Yeah, that sounds so fun. Especially
With how jumpy I am. Lord, I Would really like
A friend to sit with me during some of the recovery—
To make me laugh and maybe read to me You already
Know what I said I’d like yesterday. It makes me laugh
Still If You did it, I think You’d get a shout of joy—remember
I said I wanted to see when a shout of joy escaped my lips?
Could You do this with this request? Please, please. Thank
You for being here now, anyhow. Thank You for knowing my
Fears & not pffting them aside, or my request for comfort &
Laughter & presence. You are good to provide them all—
May I take note & thank You because it all comes from
You.)

Love,
Your tender-haired girl

fmf: beauty.  ( is where the timer stopped.

 

 

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2/18/18

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Day 69

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God,

With my eyes on You,
Will You pave the way –
Remind me I am worth
Way more than all the gold
This world can offer me?
I don’t know how to see
Myself beyond what I give,
What I do for You. Reprise
My belief, Lord I want to be
Braver still as I sit here, I have
Not lost Your love. Let my voice
Find Your ear—could You be this
Good? To listen as I question before
Your throne, where I can boldly come-
Mercy! Have mercy. For my need to see
Myself more than the lies – too slow, too
Honest, too giving, needy, failure as a daughter,
Friend – say I am. Let me catch a glimpse pf
Your face today, the kindness overflow & I will
Follow You the best I can. I struggle, Lord
believing I’m wonderfully made when my heart
Fears more shame. More greed. More need.
More space to dream – a spacious place only You
Can bring me into because You delight in me.
You are fighting for me. Help me be still & wait
For You. You. Are intentional in all You do —
You are gentle with every what if I question
Your way. Let Your whispers continuously
Hold me. Stil.

Your tender haired girl

2/6/18

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Day 66

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God,

Here I am 

on this Tuesday 

surrounded by Your love –

it comes steady, concern 

from two friends asking if 

I’m okay. How do I say, I’m 

being pushed by fear to believe

the worst: I’m too much. I feel that way 

at least. I give so much & I’m so afraid 

silence 

is what I deserve. I want to close myself 

off from anymore 

rejection. It’s perceived, I know this. It’s 

always good in the giving, then the 

waiting. And honestly, it’s fine. Until: 

whoa. What’s all this emotion for? You’re

crying? And then the silence. Not a word. 

And I tell myself things like, they’re

busy. It was good in giving. Shouldn’t 

care about response. But my heart 

screams, I want to be loved. Why do 

people have to leave? Why does it have to 

hurt to risk closeness when you put your 

heart out and say, ‘I love you. I want to be 

with you.’ But it never seemed quite 

mutual? And then to put yourself out 

there again, and something will not let 

me stop, Lord. Even tho the enemy

screams louder and louder & I want to 

hide away, You will not let me. 

Help me see what You see.

Help me believe I’m worthy of love.

Help me see my beauty. 

Love 

your tender haired girl.

Ps. I know You are faithful and good. This hurts way more than I understand. This feeling of rejection from years ago. Help me let it go, Lord. Please. 

2/4-5/18

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Day 65

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God,

We can be forevermore –

You can make my heart better,

because when I see Your love

I open – a rose in bloom. Though the 

thorn may make 

my side ache from all the hurt

I’ve caused, it’s the shovel You take with

a look on Your face,

never angry, rather concern:

I buried all your grief, anger, once you 

asked Me to take it.

See?

RIP. Before. 

And now, we 

are here, thick as thieves, except I don’t 

have to steal your

love – for I am lost in Your midnight 

serenade where You sing, daughter, 

let Me see you 

dance to the beat of your own. For you were 

once lost in the world, but I found you. I 

wrapped you in my heart never to let go. 

You are better 

//

Day 66

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God,

I lay on the couch and look at the sun. I tell You the pain You know so well: I’m afraid I’m too much. And the tears come gentle and slow, because I’m afraid of breaking before her. Letting everything fall with the rain. Will she look at me with wide eyes wanting to fix me? Or will she embrace me? And this is where I have to trust You. 

But like Kristene DiMarco’s song Take Courage says: You are in the waiting. 

So I shall wait and see Your goodness in the land of the living. 

Thank You for Your always open ears, Lord. It is a comfort even if You don’t answer immediately. You are the God who sees & hears me. You redeem all things. 

love,

Your tender haired girl 

1/26/18

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Day 59

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God,

I surrender 

to the melody,

to the words You speak.

You make no mistake.

I am worth more than gold

to You. My beloved. My friend. 

Come again now & reassure 

my heart: these ashes will find 

new blooms. I will find my voice, my 

laughter, redemption in You. You are 

making me new,

loving me through the doubt to

sing / I love you. 
Your tender haired girl. 

fmf: surrender. 

1/12/18

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Day 48

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Quiet my heart,

Lord. You are mighty,

a comfort, my comfort 

in times of confusion &

wonder. Simplify my speech 

today so I can hear the pain, but take no 

offense. Help me rest in Your arms and 

speak what needs to be said and forget 

the rest. I am afraid of the way my flesh 

aches for revenge that is not mine to 

take. But You are the One who

brings jus(tice) & hope I can never muster 

on my own. It is raining – I know it means 

Your blessing – let it soften this wounded 

heart. I’m so tired of fighting to be seen, 

heard. Show me how to give healing as I 

receive from Your heart. Give us a new 

start. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl 

Fmf: simplify. 

Previous letter found here. 

1/3-4/18

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Day 40

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I am tired.

I wanted to tell her this,

God. When she asked, 

what’s wrong? I froze inside. 

Not because I was worried 

about how long the time would 

last. No. I felt found. You’re so quiet, she 

said. It wasn’t in a way that typically 

makes me want to shut off, but in a way 

that asked my heart to come 

confide. I wanted to ask questions & not 

be all me, me, me. Even though I was 

tired. Even though I’m not good at asking 

questions I feel. But she turned around 

and asked me that and God, it’s like I’m 

still learning it’s okay to trust. And I’m 

not annoying when I text long things and 

want to read the bible together. And to 

walk out of Panera together and feel her 

hold the weakest of my hands. Or maybe 

it was my arm. It was like You were there, 

watching as the verse became a real 

thing: don’t be afraid. I will take you by 

your right hand. I will help you. She 

helped me up. And down the sidewalk. In 

the freezing cold,

with 2 drinks. And a cookie my brother 

wound up eating because I was so in the 

moment until she left that early morning

& then forgot the next day. Because as 

much as You know I love chocolate, I 

heard You

 in ways that night that felt like hope & 

joy rising; a day at the bookstore just to 

talk and look through, an offer of two 

books to read later. A day to watch 

movies and shows together. And a 

willingness to want to make church less 

of a place I view unsafe and 

condemnation and anger. To go with me. 

I can’t help but think she’ll hold my hand 

(Or arm) through the fear. This soul 

sister. I know it is You. 

//

Day 41

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And today, I heard the enemy really try to get to me. No one will hold your hand. You don’t let yourself have other experiences to stop from past experiences with the church. Oh yay, magnolia by Ellie Holcomb. You trying to get the tears to flow? That last one was me, God. Not the enemy. 

But the more you try, the more you’re failing. 

No place to call your home except your heartache. 

Yep, that’s me. I don’t hide that I’m okay being alone with you. There’s nothing else right now I want to do. I don’t have the capacity to talk to people, let alone take in what they are saying. Even if they are trying to help. I mean, I do want to talk, as you saw with Kelly, but it’s different than with family or the job people. I don’t feel as afraid. Or push to come up with something. Or shut down. 

 I feel I’m given time to speak. Or be silent. Or just be. Or sing. And Monday night made me feel different. Seen, once I let a bit of my guard down. I mean the singing felt way vulnerable. My cheeks were burning with shame because I was singing the truth. And I felt this calm and emptiness at the same time because you were there, but it takes me so long to believe it. 

That maybe there’s hope for me. The fact that I said I want to give church a chance again is weird. And what I heard earlier just wants to press down on me, make me cry. I feel them come, Lord and then they fall a little then pass. But I feel there’s more. Why does being loved have to feel like a war? Why can’t I rest in it more? Why do all these lies want to pummel me to the floor?

I need you, God.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl 

Ps. Thank you for singing to me. Thank you. Thank you. 

Previous letter here.