foggy but my heart is thankful

I sit in the not so quiet

with You—a lawn mower

is running to my right, birds

are chirping in the distance—

everything is loud & I’m still

holding onto a truth, an opposite

of a lie, he’s one man, not all.

even if I can’t fully believe this

now, yet, I fully expect You to

show me how, Lord. You are

faithful even now in this miracle

yet to unfold. My head is

Prompt: quiet.

covenant of love

Today I was
told to build

an ark: collect

every animal. 

2 of each kind

with my family

nestled safe this 

wooden home.

My master said 

he must wipe all

humanity away,

“I am grieved. All

of this bloodshed 

& anger I cannot stand.

Grab the wood, nails, hammer

& pound away. No matter the mockers, 

cynics, laughers–

they will all die away in flood

waters, sweeping the earth 

40 days & nights.”

But me, an old bearded

man, he saved.

Being sick has some awesome perks. Like being able to write to Jesus about things you don’t want to work through. Ex: unable to receive grace. He told me I won’t allow myself. Truth hurts in the best way. Because he knows I’m tired and hurting and I’m trying to work. 

And he whispers, rest. But my mind won’t hush, so I sit here and babble or stare into space. And in all honesty, I love this space we are in even if it’s hard. Really. Because my mind goes from his truth to insanity. As in lies about myself being a jerk and blah blah blah.

And then this song keeps playing in my head.

And this: He will bring me out into the light;

    I will see his righteousness.

Then my enemy will see it

    and will be covered with shame,

she who said to me,

    “Where is the Lord your God?”

My eyes will see her downfall;

    even now she will be trampled underfoot. Micah 7:9-10

And all my thoughts go: oh, shiny! Laughter, joy! Ooh..sun.

This a poem write from this prompt. Noah built the first boat. At least that’s what came to my head.

Okay, going to try and rest. Maybe.

amen.

Today, You are 
not running to  

the cross I ran 

to in my dream –

blood I put my finger 

against, hot or cold I 

cannot tell you — I cried.
Today, we sit under 

cover, my skin cold

to the touch, but You

do not refrain. If this is 

goodness in the land of

the living – this soul pouring,

I’ll keep inking regret I need taking.
Today, this bare aches 

my chest, You cannot 

see me this way. I am 

afraid of this rejoicing –

over a good thing. You are

coming. You are coming!

I do not seek take Your name
in vain today. You are I AM –

goodness, kindness, mercy,

love, hope–perfect love casts

out fear at the sound of Your name, Abba. 

Father, help me

abide in love I have not on my 

own. Forgive me my doubt You
can turn me toward joy, when un 

belief clings to my hand: what do

you mean you want to stop being my 

friend? You know He may not come, at 

least I’m more reliable. I

believe Your Word: I will save you,

My anointed, I have not forgotten.

Jesus, I should be jumping around: you are coming, you are coming! Technically You are already here, I’m breathing You in and out. Your love. Your care. Your concern. Your goodness. This broken body I like to think is normal, is Yours. It is the bread You break with Your disciples. 

It is what is dipped into the wine; the blood You spilled out for these sins asking me to step aside from Light I only want to behold.

The fear.

The pride. 

The guilt.

The shame.

Take it. Jesus. This gift You don’t deserve, I don’t want to give You. I don’t know how to rid myself of, keep taking back on myself. Take these and show me the Light. You. You. You. The nails into You, the lamb, who loves me. 

The child who wants to take Your hand, and remember the laugh You give in exchange for all I’ve done. 

And breathe Life again. Joy.

til the end 

Maybe there’s a loving God,
who has now watched me

begin to cry over the lie: 

You aren’t enough. Look

how they rejected you. What,

isn’t this the second time now?

Yeah, I’m sure they read it with 

great care. You can’t even tell a 

good enough story; too poetic 

you are. Quit trying. Isn’t getting 

you anywhere. Foolish girl, you are. You 

think those other people are going to 

answer you? Please.

God, come thou fount every blessing; this 

‘no’ doesn’t stop You 

from shining light into my eyes, a 

sudden firefly or a song making my soul 

feel the love

between us. Lay it down, you say,

the tears you just tried to hide. I know 

who you are. All right here we are. You 

are my child, I am your Abba — let My 

kindness be no stranger. This cup of 

bitter. Jesus drank it too, remember? On 

the cross, naked & bare. He asked for a 

drink and they gave Him a sponge soaked 

with wine–He came back to Me & His 

Spirit groans within: She is enough, she 

is enough, Father! Precious in Your sight, 

a diadem. Though she is disappointed 

now, the hope she has in You will not 

condemn, nor shame. There is no 

mystery in how You love this girl, Your 

beloved. You are patient, you are kind, 

you are ever embracing! And is this true, 

my dear friend-

When you get a no about something you thought you wanted and the tears comes, you continue to try and choke them back and ask, Why? Why are you crying, but not feeling it inside your heart. Do you really still believe God is rejecting you when He is whispering He is something better for you? And it’s not really a rejection, but a reroute to something you are unsure of.

I felt the tears well and the ache inside when I wrote: she is enough, she is enough, Father! And maybe if I keep writing it and hearing it, I’ll be able to declare it one day. 

But for now: Julia, you are enough. You are the apple of your Abba’s eye. You are the one He delights in. Your dreams. Your aches. Your fears. Your longing. He knows them all and loves you through and through.

He is here, holding you. Cheering you on. Rejoicing over you. Hearing you. Every word.  Every sigh. Collecting those tears in a bottle. Holding your right hand. Leading and guiding and blessing you beyond what you can comprehend.

He is making a way in the wilderness and wasteland, a new thing is sprouting! Do you see it? Be expectant, He is coming!

(This feels a little better..)

Jeremiah knew the tornado from which I speak 

Abba, all right here

I sit weak. I cannot fly
away from pain within 

begging my mouth open–

I remember the surrender 

You did for me that I may call 

Your name. I tell again how I 

cannot do this, help myself.

Silence. An opening ear, heaven

listening to my plea, love you say 

I cannot lose, in lack this peace 

abounds. My need for you, Abba,

is wide like a lake, rushing quick

as you, the Word, I restore all the locusts 

have eaten with new food, praises to Me, 

the one and only God, setting your heels 

back in wonder at how personal I am. 

Wait for Me, your hope to arrive. I will be 

right on time. Obsolete, you are not. I 

have hedged you into My side, 

continuously holding your right hand. 

Conversations may seem one-sided, but I 

am speaking love, pulling heaven &

Earth to show you how precious 

you’ve always been. From the beginning, 

you beloved, have brought delight to My 

tongue.

Oh, the thought of you alone, a 
longing I dare never withhold.

To be by your side, hear you sing,

oh it might hope rising to the ear

drum, to the starfish in the sea 

below, to the angels surrounding

My throne. Something changed,

the sickness in your bone makes

you question: how is between us?

You fear, I must have done wrong.

He’s mad. I am love, My child. Patient, 

kind, long suffering. I am 

awakening you to who I am-be still & 

know I am, God. Abba. Yahweh. 

Emmanuel. I have not forgotten you, you 

are a treasure, a diadem.

First song, always that I sing is not

a mourner’s, but the one reminding: I am 

in your midst,

the One mighty enough to save you, 

fighting for you, so keep singing My 

name: Jesus, you are

beautiful, hiding me under your wing, 

with healing less like scars.

Come, my friend, tell me I do not

need be afraid, because I am. Control’s 

never been mine, but

I’d like believe maybe there’s a

loving God, ever watching the sparrow & 

yet mindful my dusty frame; without the 

picture in my mind of thinking Your 

scold, of course this is just one more 

thing

you need Me prove to you! You are 

breathing every minute aren’t you?

You say I can dream of going home 

though I tremble with all my

wrong, shame I’ve done you wrong. 

Loving you, You say, I made knowing 

intimately, exempts the pressure to try to 

return what I 

give you, love you cannot understand. 

What do I know, but 

grasping, grasping to be less person & 

stand on my own. Strangers come beside, 

tell

me they know this struggle of

proud, a kindness I want hold.

When it was over, a glimpse of

beauty I turn, turn, turn–

i will be true

i wake & read,

trust the Lord

with all your heart

& lean on my under 

standing not. if I blow

my nose again–cough

up pain. i’ll rationalize 

i’m to blame for choosing 

soaking my bone in summer

rain, until a fever borne. i risked

another taste of Heaven, for a

cold reminder i am alive.

& here i acknowledge 

my reckless abandon

of your calling, be still &

know I will make your crocked 

path straight, with goodness &

mercy beside you.

Sunday

There’s the familiar question:
You are fine if I tell you everything I’m learning?
A little girl speaking from a furrowed heart awaiting punishment.

It’s immediate to wear this mask,
frown lines heavy with this tension
I’m burdening someone.
Friends and my mother tell me infinite times:You are not burdening.
You are fine. I love you. I value you.

I crave look beyond my disadvantaged body with the step,
step, pause walk. The fisted right hand, unclenching when I’m alone.
A left foot stuck in the same direction, right always forward.

My left pulls me to the belief
I must never ask for help.
I can do life on my own.
I’ve seen since I was born.
Tired, weak souls carrying loads
meant muscle past our own.

When You said: Boast weakness. I will make your path straight, I feared my trust in You.
You’re the One I can lean my trembling fears, body, hearing promise unbroken: I will uphold you.

These rimple question marks will smooth out soon enough, My child.
Keep holding my hand, My blessing shall run through, overcoming you.